I seem to have this switch in my head that activates whenever my SO talks about money. After the switch is thrown, I become this evil, guilt-inducing asshole about money. It complicates matters that we run a business together and money is a bit tight and she's been underpaid. I'm finally able to double her salary this month and then, instead of being normal during dinner, I went on a rant about how I couldn't afford to buy holiday gifts because of the extra money I was giving her. I knew it was wrong from the second it came out of my mouth, but I couldn't stop it.

Afterwards, I feel like a complete and utter asshole. My SO is usually crying  in the bedroom... she's starting to hate me and I can't blame her. I feel terrible, like a worthless scumbag.

How do I stop this from happening? How do I stop hurting the one true person I want to be with for the rest of my life?

FYI, both of us have ADD. We have been living together for two years.

So, in separating from my estranged spouse with untreated ADHD (we are living in the same house but hashing out a separation agreement with an agreement for one of us to be moving by 1/1): 

How much do I just let go, and let him do things or say things that may affect my children badly, and when should I intervene or explain to others my perception of the circumstances? What is the line between badmouthing my ex and explaining the truth? 

For example, I usually pick our children up. My spouse has difficulties remembering details and being on time, and our kids' school and activities are generally managed by those who are fairly straightforward about this: parents need to be on time to pick up their kids. So I usually do almost all of it just to avoid any issues. Yesterday, my spouse (who got up at 2 a.m. to work on his car and woke the whole house) was supposed to pick up our child after school. He realized that he had left something on at 2 a.m. and when he went to start his car to pick up our child the next day, the battery was dead. Long story short, he went to a neighbor who drove him to pick up our child. In the meantime, he was 25 minutes late, our child and the teacher with him did not know where he was, and my child was worried. My child said, "I was the only one there. My teacher did not know what was going on." (The entire time, I was close by and had my cell but he did not call me. It genuinely does not occur to him that this is a big deal for everyone but him. And if I try to talk to him about it, no matter how I do it, I promise, with all of my heart that if I tried to just explain that our child was worried and that he needs to make sure he will be on time, even if it means starting and checking the car an hour beforehand, he has to make this happen--it will be world war 3, he will insist that he DIDN'T KNOW and it was NOT HIS FAULT, which seems to be his only concern, and that I am blowing everything out of proportion, and we will get nowhere. And it will, indeed, happen again someday soon). 

OK, a bit of a rant: this happens every, every, every single time. There is ALWAYS SOMETHING that keeps him (poor victim, he tries so hard and it is NOT HIS FAULT) from being on time. I told him that morning that it was important to be there right at 3. On the dot. Early, even. And I know, sure, folks can have a dead battery, but it is the millionth time that something occurs that is "out of his control" that keeps him from picking up our child on time or being on time for a teacher conference or kid's doctor appointment. And he decided to work on his car at 2 a.m., woke us all up by accidentally setting off the car alarm and banging in and out of the house several times, and forgot and left something in the car turned on. If it were the first or second time, I would not even think about it. But there is just ALWAYS some kind of situation and drama and mostly I am worried about my children. I get ADHD and I do not fault that he has trouble with this--I fault that he is so pathologically defensive about it, and so concerned with not being blamed and not being "criticized," that it is impossible to address solutions with him. Ironically, I had a dad who was often late or fell asleep when he was supposed to be there and pick me up, and I grew up worried about it. In the end, I have accepted the fact that he will not be a different person, but I am worried about the effect this will have on our kids growing up and what to tell them about it. 

Here are my questions. Go ahead, give it to me straight: 

-We are separating and ultimately divorcing. There will be times he has to pick them up, because he will have partial custody. How much do I tell my children's teachers, my children, etc. about his "issues" and have a back up plan in case he is late? Can I tell them that he has issues being on time or do I help my children have their own backup plan and just let him screw up? (They are young and don't have their own phones or anything). What do I tell them to explain why their dad is late when none of the other parents are? 

-Their teachers and counselors are wondering what is going on. Why can't our family pick our children up on time? Should I tell them that my spouse has issues and to call me if anything happens? 

-Should I just fix it so that I am the only one who picks them up? I know this is crazy, but I have had a decade of drama with this person and I just can't take much more. I want to have to deal with him as little as possible. 

Thanks, everyone--my therapist told me that I can't control what he does or says, and I know this. Unfortunately, he is wont to say bad things about me to them, and I know I can't make him be on time. I just need some ideas for dealing with it. 

I'm new to this forum but after doing a lot of reading about adult ADHD (and reading post after post on this forum), I am questioning the efficacy of the medication that my boyfriend is taking. I'm certainly NOT a psychiatrist, so I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but here is a little background:

My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. When he was young, he was incredibly hyperactive (like to the point that he would run around the house nonstop for hours completely bewildering his mother) and has been taking medication since then. He takes Adderall XR once a day, every day, and takes the non XR version of Adderall when/if he runs out of that. He is very good with taking his meds, because if he doesn't he says that he has trouble doing even the most basic things. In the time that I have known him, I've seen him very few times when he was unmedicated, and I can only compare it to someone who had been injected with some kind of energy serum. He jumped from place to place, was practically running around the apartment trying to do things...this was CLEARLY a different guy. It's almost like he was manic. Anyway, I say all of this to emphasize the fact that the Adderall DEFINITELY helps him, no question about that.

Even though the medication helps him, he still struggles with being disorganized, forgetting to pay bills, not being able to stop himself from interrupting others, not being able to focus on anything that doesn't provide him the utmost stimulation, having poor time management skills and really, really bad mood swings. All of these things really frustrate him, but everything that we've read has given great insight into what ADHD is (he really liked Dr. Russell Barkley), how to know if you have it as an adult, and why you should get medicated, but they don't tell him what he should do even though he IS medicated and he still has these issues. It seems like for him, being medicated makes it so that he can sit still long enough (literally) to function enough to even HAVE the problems I listed before. We have read countless success stories that talk about being able to focus once medication is introduced and seeing how ADHD affects the relationship, how it affects job performance, etc...I have read posts from some of you on here who have ADHD yourselves, and there is no WAY that my boyfriend could have the insight and focus that some of you have to tackle your problems because he describes feeling like he is in a haze just trying to hold onto everything spinning around him in his life. (and this is WITH medication!) This is a particularly stressful time - he works 70+ hours a week, we have been having major relationship problems, and he feels stuck with where he is - but even before all of these things happened, he still expressed concern over really not functioning as well as he always felt like he could. He tries really, really hard to make lists and set alarms and follow through with things, but it never seems to happen. I have my own issue with his behavior as it relates to our relationship but right now I just really want to ask - could it be that his medication isn't working or that he needs a different dosage? Like I said, he's been on meds since he was a small child, so I don't want to seem presumptuous in suggesting this, especially since we have been having problems, but he just doesn't seem to have the "I feel like I am out of the fog, a-ha" moments that so many people describe when they transition into taking ADHD medication. I know the medication isn't the cure-all, but it seems like it does more for others than it is doing for him right now...I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the severity of his ADHD.

Combined with all of that, his mood swings can be downright frightening to me. He has never been violent with me or anything like that, but it's scary because I feel like I don't know who I'm going to get on any given day. He doesn't get angry as much as he'll just be SAD and not wanting to talk and completely in his own head. Then if I can get him to talk, he's distraught because he doesn't understand why he feels the way he does and has the mood swings that he does, but he doesn't really know what to do about it. It's pretty much a given that on Sundays as he transitions for the next work week, I will just leave him alone because his completely distant behavior was causing us problems. I would get upset that he was so distant and was acting like I had done something wrong, he would get upset with me being upset, etc... He always snaps out of it and he apologizes (and believe me it doesn't just happen on Sundays), but it's certainly a problem. I've heard that Adderall can contribute to mood swings. He was taking an anti-depressant, but stopped over a year ago now (shortly after we met and in the height of our hyperfocus courtship) because he said he felt so much more stable than he ever had. Although I do EVERYTHING I can to be supportive, I think sometimes he blames his feelings on me. He thought his life was so much more stable after we met, and he stopped taking the anti-depressants, and now he's back to feeling so down. I wish that I'd known more about ADHD and depression and having a relationship with someone with ADHD back then because I would have insisted (back when he thought the sun rose and set in my eyes) that he stay on the anti-depressants, but I didn't. I realize that this isn't my fault, but that doesn't really help me to make him see that (especially when I ask him how he is feeling and he gives me the classic "I don't know").

Any thoughts?

Sometimes I literally feel like I am living with a crazy person who has no concept of interpersonal ethics or consideration.

Here is an example that happened today:

I always log out of my Ebay account because both me and my boyfriend of two years actively use the site.  Unfortunately yesterday I was unable to log out of my account because our internet crapped out.  Apparently I was still logged in because when he went to use the computer he ended up using "buy it now" while still logged into my account.  I honestly don't think he realized that "buy it now" does not work like a "shopping cart" and actually obligates you to continue the purchase by paying but what he did was log out of my account without paying and log into his account, "buy it now" on another identical item from the same vendor and pay.  This left an unpaid item in my account.

Now, knowing from personal experience that some vendors do not take kindly to unpaid items and will lodge a complaint with Ebay that can suspend usage of your account and considering that I was actively selling a few things I immediately emailed the vendor to cancel the order and to make it clear what happened, gave him my boyfriend's user name so that he'd see that a purchase was really made by him from another account and resulted in the following conversation:

ME:  You have to be careful that you're not logged into someone else's account when you make a purchase if you're not going to pay for it. (I then explained how "buy it now" is not a "shopping cart".

Him:  Well YOU should make sure that you log out after you used it.

Me:  I understand that, but the internet stopped working earlier, remember, and I was unable to log out.  It's just good practice to check before making any purchases because if left unpaid the seller can complain and mess up your account.  Anyway, I wrote the seller an email, gave him your user name for proof and he said no worries, cancelled the order, and wished me happy holidays.  Just be careful for the future.

Him:  Well, you should be careful to remember to log out.  Anyway, I think Ebay cares more about what you do when you're selling.

Me:  Well, no actually because I once reneged on a purchase and my account was suspended.

Him:  (sarcastically) Well THANKS for giving them MY username, then...god! (after I already said the seller was totally fine with it and even wished me happy holidays)

Me:  I had to!  Plus, you made the mistake in the first place!

This is the typical narcissistic thinking my boyfriend displays.  He's literally thinking, "how dare you potentially cause a negative thing to happen to me because of a mistake I made even though it was really the only way to go about solving the problem I made."  He apologized later because he could see that I was a little angry at his reaction but I still don't think he actually GETS what was ethically wrong with his thinking.  And I know it's not something he did on purpose, it was a simple mistake, but I think at some point most non-ADHD adults learn to accept the negative consequences of and take responsibility for their unintentional mistakes.  It's so frustrating.