What I saw:

Him walking over to the table and throwing a stack of paper onto the table with an angry expression on his face.

Him sitting back in his chair and angrily throwing a pencil and some papers on the table.

Saying disrespectful, unkind things to me, like "You can leave. Go away!" in front of the kids.

Calling a timeout but not circling back to the conversation, nor starting the talk again.

Being sarcastic towards me when we were leaving to get on a plane. "Send me your complaints!" was the last thing he called after me as I walked away.

I asked him what he thought was going on, what he saw, and his long email rant went on for pages, but here's the gist of it:

I saw him working on his laptop, when I knew that he had other things he needed to be doing if we were going to get out of there in time to get my son. I said, "You can do that later. I'm just trying to help." His trigger thoughts were as follows: She assumes the worst in me. She is trying to control my behaviors. She is saying I'm doing something wrong. She thinks she knows better. She thinks I don't know what I'm doing. She doesn't trust me. She only harps on the negative aspects of my ADHD. She complains about me nonstop. She acts like she's the only one who cares about our relationship. All these thoughts made him very angry, and he felt justified in raising his voice, shutting me out, and then getting mean and sarcastic with me.

How can I tell him that he has a responsibility to manage his own thoughts so he doesn't get furious 6 times a day?

My husband started taking Ritalin about 1 year ago.  In the beginning I noticed some changes in attention and he said it was really helping focus at work.  Only problem our marriage seemed to deteriorate.  He is not the same person. I can't explain when it began.  He started traveling more, becoming more distant. He was offered a job in FL we live in CA and was in the process of offer and acceptance.  It was a HUGE decision we have 2 boys 3 and 5 the 5 year old was diagnosed with Autism when he was 2. Anyway we had a fight and he was SO aggressive and mean I figured he had started it on purpose.  The next day he acted like everything was fine kissed me goodbye came home started talking about the job offer then brought up the fight.  Started screaming in my face and walked out.  I thought he was going to cool off but I got an e-mail at 10:45 saying we were separated and he was no longer interested and further efforts in restoring our marriage.  I was shocked.  I tried to call his phone was off I sent him an email never heard back so I called the next day.  He said he saw the e-mail and was like so who cares.  He filed for divorce that Wed. and moved the rest of his stuff into storage.  He now lives in a hotel in FL with no plans to come home and see the kids. 

I also found out he is telling people I was hitting him while he was laying in bed and that I was controlling him keeping him away from his friends and family and that he did everything for me. I was SHOCKED!  None of this is true.  He has been doing really strange things like taking my video camera from the house without telling me then returning it with all the videos deleted, purposefully not giving me enough money for me and the kids, taking the kids bikes and leaving them at his parents - the list goes on.

I can't figure any of this out.  Can this be the Ritalin or is this really him?  Who leaves their wife and kids and moves 3,000 miles away.  He has not once shown an ounce of remorse or sadness.  When I see him he is chipper and acts like everything is normal. I do not know this man.  The ADHD was bad but this is worse!

My marriage will never be repaired I know that but it would help to get some answers my head is spinning.  Can anyone help?  

I have been irritated for years over the fact that DH does no housework at all.  Absolutely NONE.  I had chalked it up to the fact that he is in Academia and has lots of work to do outside of just teaching.  Also, since the kids, I haven't had a 'real' job and have made a paltry amount of money each of the last 6 years.  But I'm getting angrier and angrier as my schedule fills up with jobs and I am STILL doing everything.

We sat down and made a schedule, like he'd suggested, because i'm lousy at time management.  But it's not working out at all, because the times that i've set aside on weekends to get my work done, he will not 'babysit' the kids.  There's always some reason why he can't ("I've got work to do!") but.... he is always instead, playing with his iPad.  I have pointed this out on numerous occasions, we have 'learning conversations' where he agrees (reluctantly and grumpily) that he'll clean the kitchen on the ONE night a week I'm not there to do it... but then... it doesn't happen.  I still have to beg/nag/remind.  The few times during the week that I'd set aside to prepare for classes, are now filled with classes.  I have to rely on him to give me time to work, because the only time I'm able to is when he is home and he doesn't want me to hire a babysitter because that would be ridiculous when we're both home.

Now, folks here's the thing:  he is NOT ADHD.  *I* am the one with the 'problem.' He is FULLY CAPABLE of cleaning up after himself and the kids but for some reason will not do it.  When I left town for a few days while DD#1 was about a year old, all of our friends joked that he would be so grateful when I returned.  Instead, when I came home the house was tidy and dinner was simmering on the stove.  So.... he CAN do it.  But WON'T.  He has often told me he feels 'disrespected' if I leave a dresser drawer or cabinet door open...  and I am NOT CONSCIOUSLY DOING IT AND HE KNOWS THAT.... so..... how much respect is he showing me when he won't lift a finger?

I have several non-ADHD friends who complain about their husbands' lack of participation in household chores.  This is what they say: "Oh, I just HATE how he does laundry!  He will fold everything, but only put HIS stuff away and leave my stuff and the kids stuff folded on the bed!" Or, "He just won't eat leftovers!  He insists on cooking a whole different meal every night and then we have all this extra food in the fridge that just goes bad!"  or, "When he takes the kids out, he doesn't re-stock the diaper bag as soon as he gets home!"  One friend was shocked that every morning I get up and get DD#1 ready for school, even though DH is the one who drops her off on his way (4 blocks farther) to work.  DH gets up and spends 45 minutes in the bathroom (with the iPad of course).  He is angry if I don't have her ready and her lunch packed on time.  My friend explained to me that in her relationship, whoever takes their daughter to school is the one who gets up and gets her ready and packs lunch the night before so that the other one can SLEEP IN.  They have routines in place, like, who will cook what night and who will clean what.  there is nothing like that here because I do everything.  One friend asked, "So... what would happen if you just didn't do it?"  well, that's easy.  the mess would just pile up.... Even after having what I'd hoped was a successful talk last week, I still came home to a mess last night.  After I'd gone to bed, he did a half assed job cleaning up but only after this conversation:

me:  "Um... ok, so.... remember that you said it would be ok if you cleaned up on Fridays?"

DH:  "No... YOU can clean it up!"

me: "Ok... that's really not funny."

This morning when I got up (at 6am with DD#2 - he never gets up with the kids....) The plates had been washed and the pots/pans were clean but he'd left them on the (dirty) stove.  there were cups on the table still half full of drinks, and the mess of toys/craft stuff he'd gotten out for the kids was left untouched, beads all over the floor just waiting to be stepped on.  Books, clothes, toys all over the floor & couch/coffee table...

DD#1 had a bday party to go to and I was hosting a play date for DD#2, so instead of doing the work I need to get done for my classes next week (as per what we agreed on with our schedule) I had to frantically clean.  also, we were out of everything because of the hurricane and I had to go pick up something to feed these people.  DH (playing with the iPad, of course) asked where I was going.  I said I had to run out to get some food for the play date.  He said, annoyed, "Ummmm.... well, I gotta leave in like, 25 minutes, so do you want to take DD#2 with you?"  I just said, "No.  No, I don't.  I'll be back in 15-20 minutes."  He acted like he was doing me a big favor by going to the bday party, but in reality, he just brought DD#1 to the party and then went out for beer with the bday girl's dad. 

He spends an average of 4 hours per weekday and 8 hours on Saturdays/sundays on the couch with the iPad watching videos, facebooking, reading articles... whatever.  While i am constantly in motion, picking up messes or cooking or cleaning....  It is so infuriating.  These numbers are NOT 'ADHD exaggeration' estimates.  I actually TIMED him and kept a log for 2 weeks.

I was wondering if there was some ratio I don't understand... some dollar amount that I need to earn for him to actually start pitching in.  According to my Non ADD friends, this is not the case.  Even stay-at-home-mom friends of mine trade off housework with their spouses who work full time.  They all think he is self-centered and misogynist.  He DID grow up in a household where his mother did all the housework/cooking, but he always denies it when I ask him if he was influenced by that.  When I ask WHY he does nothing, he still always says, "I don't know."

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG????? 

I really can't go on like this.  I'm so angry these days my hands shake.

mmrphrphhph!!!!!!!!!!

I have never posted in a Forum before. I am the ADHD spouse (diagnosed for 17 years/medicated for 4 months). The lifestyle that I had when I was first diagnosed was such that medication didn't seem crucial (the MD who diagnosed said it was mild and I might be fine with out medication). Fast forward 17 years and I am now married to a non-ADHD (maybe) man who I adore. When we met and fell in love I was in a terrible place in my life. My mother had passed away three years before, my father was dying, my then marriage was in a wreck, there were professional challenges (soon to be ex-husband and I taught together in the same vocational training and it seemed best that one of us leave the job so I did). Also, I am a massage therapist and was suffering from carpal tunnel so badly that I couldn't do that work either. Very shortly after my father finally passed (I had hospiced both parents at home) I left my husband and moved in with the man who is my current husband. We were very happy, very in love, it seemed like the most perfect and special relationship. One that we had dreamed of and never thought would happen. I am grateful for the happiness of that time, grateful for the love - it made the grief and loss of both my parents' death, the loss of a teaching position that I loved and the loss of my livelihood. At the same time my then partner (now husband) was dealing with the effects of his pending divorce and trying to manage the impact on various related relationships and shouldering the burden of some financial commitments related to his soon to be ex-wife. All of this is background to say that we were happy but also under pressure and I was a total mess really. Enter the ADHD. So many behaviors that had not surfaced in quite a while came raging to the forefront and I was snippy and denying it and being needy, selfish and disappointed by things that I shouldn't have. The worst part of all of it (and the most damaging piece according to my husband) was my denial when he called me on things. My ungracious acceptance or non-acceptance of his feedback. It set us into cycles of accusing and denial until I felt lost and hurt and he felt crazy. These were not infrequent occurrences but at the same time we were enjoying our relationship, our loving and our vision of a life together 

Fast forward again: 3 years later, in spite of these issues, he proposed and we married last October. Still happy (but still in our cycles) we carried on. One day my husband became totally frustrated with me for something and I explained that it was an ADD moment. He said "show me in a book where it explains that that behavior is ADD". I handed him "Driven to Distraction, opened it to a particular spot and he sat down and read it. He was stunned. (Mind you, when we first met I told him that I was ADHD and was planning to go on medication. He asked me not to). I don't know what he already knew about ADD but he did not do any research or try to find anything more about it nor asked me any questions.  Shortly after that spotlight on ADD event he purchased a book about loving an ADD person. Since then - life has been hell. I have gone on medication and get better every day. I am more focused, complete tasks,am managing my time well and have been getting better about sarcastic or curt responses etc. I can also see my life more clearly in retrospect and feel very motivated about really managing the ADD. He is angry that it seems that the behavioral changes seem to fall in his court (accepting the manifestation of my ADD etc). I do not believe he is the one who has to change completely to accommodate me. Now he is full of resentment for my (admittedly) annoying, pitiful, needy behavior of our first years together and he cannot even see me in a positive light at all. Life since medication and ADD awareness is far worse than it was without. As a person with ADD I am well aware that we have an impact on our loved ones. I own that I have impacted him (it's curt responses and some childish disappointed behaviors - not financial devastation, inattention to him, embarrassing social behavior). He is sensitive to tone of voice and has some intense childhood issues and the curt responses and my denial that I was intentionally rude really affected him. He says now that he knows I would never intentionally hurt him AND he says he doesn't hold me personally responsible but we are in a terrible standoff. I have moved to the guest room. everything I attempt to say is perceived as an attack and he says he can't think of any of the good things we have experienced. What should I do while he goes through this process of anger and (hopefully) releasing resentments? I guess I deserve this but the frustration and pain of it all falling apart NOW is making my inner chaos worse. Even on the medication I am having trouble not experiencing ADD tailspin. 

I am so committed to this marriage, to him, to managing the ADD. And I feel bad about his resentments (both that I caused them and that I have to experience the resentment). How have those of you who have gone through hell with your ADD partners worked through resentments to find your love again? Do we really have to lose all of our credibility?  Thanks. Sorry this was so long I am just so sad and distraught. I feel as though I have lost the man I adore and that none of the explanations or improvements even matter.