So my hubby was supposed to get done with his overnight DJ gig at 4 this morning, but he wasn't home when I got up at 6:30am. I usually call him, fairly furious,  but I just didn't have the energy this morning. He called a few times before I left for work at 7am, but I didn't take any of them until I was on the road. I was angry when I finally answered the phone. I was doing that fake cheerful, I'm-not-going-to-let-this-get-to-me-when-it-really-has-already-got-to-me thing. The hubby is pretty perceptive and picked up on it right away. Of course it led to a serious discussion wherein I tell him that I'm tired of him not taking his schooling seriously (he dropped one class as a preemptive measure b/c he got behind in the reading and he's withdrawn from two because he was failing). I told him that if he lost his scholarships that I wasn't signing on for school loans because in my mind, if you couldn't do it for free, then you don't need to pay money to do it. He, of course, says it's not my decision and I told him that was fine, good luck finding someone to co-sign the loans with him (he's credit is wrecked). Yes, I can't sympathize. I took a full load at college and worked 20 hours a week and was still on the Dean's list. It's not because I was smarter than him; it's because I took it seriously. I was careful to not allow work to get in the way of my schooling. That was what was expected of me. I was careful to do my assignments. I didn't drop a class because the professor was going to test on something that he didn't lecture about. Yes, there were times that I did my very best and still couldn't pull the grade that I wanted. I had "C"s in math and French. But I tried to do better and while I was upset that I didn't, I walked away knowing I did my best. He doesn't understand that. I'm supposed to support him because it's been rough. I'm supposed to support him even when I don't see him read his notes or his textbooks. He says I don't see him do it. Maybe that's true. Maybe he does it while I'm at work. But if he does, then why is he failing classes? And why does he still miss class on a regular basis?

I'm just tired of giving him support when he blows all his chances. And he expects me to still support him and when I don't, then his low self-esteem is my fault. I don't respect him, etc. The only reason he's going back to school is to get a degree so he can find a decent job. Then act like it, I want to scream! Education is a privilege and yet he doesn't get that. He says he can't get a different job from the one he's got now (working part-time in a bar as a DJ and cook). He stays out all night even when he doesn't work. How am I supposed to support him when he's so determined to fail?!? And yet, I'm supposed to because he's made forward motion this year. He's living with me finally, he's back in school, etc. When did you start receiving credit for doing things that a grown adult male is supposed to do? He's so determined that he doesn't have a disability, that the ADHD doesn't really affect him, yet I'm supposed to throw a party because he does what he supposed to do? WTH?!? If he just sucked it up and did what he was supposed to do, we wouldn't be in this mess. If he hadn't been chronically late and determined to buck authority, he'd still be a cop (a sergeant by now according to him); he'd still be happy; he'd still be able to treat me like he used to.

And yet under all my anger and resentment, I still feel bad. I feel bad because he can't sleep. I feel bad because he's got bleeding ulcers. I feel bad because he worries. I wonder sometimes, if he feels bad when I worry about where I'm going to come up with the money to buy groceries?

I'm so tired. I've been at this for nearly five years. The up-and-down. The watching him always get in the way of his best intentions. I won't leave but I struggle on a daily basis to let go of him and let him do his thing. I'm determined to have my say when I should just keep my mouth shut. Why can't I do that? It's a struggle nearly every day to just let go, to not get upset over the same things over and over again, and yet I do. I feel so weak and useless. I feel like if I could get beyond and stay beyond these emotions, things would at least be more even keeled. I'm supposed to rely on God, I shouldn't have a problem, and yet I find myself praying to him over and over again. On the good days it's "Help me remember to let things go." On the bad days, it's "Why am I here again?"

He's got a quiz today and I feel wretched. I feel like I wasn't able support him and now he's going to fail it too.

I didn't mean for this to be so long... sorry!

My husband and I have been together for 17 years but his ADD symptoms seem to be getting worse and worse as the years pass… I am at my rope's end.  Is it normal for the symptoms to accelerate with age? He received diagnosis from our therapist about 6 months ago and made an appointment with our family doctor for follow up but forgot/missed the appointment and has not rescheduled. When I bring it up he gets defensive and the conversation ends. I feel he needs intervention now more than ever; I know that I cannot live this way much longer.

I have considered asking him to move out on his own for a few months -- I fantasize about watching him “crash and burn” as he tries to live on his own in hopes that he’d hit rock bottom and realize how dysfunctional the ADD makes him without me there to coax him along in life. I feel like he’s been this way so long, he’s constructed this façade that he believes fools the world… but he’s only fooling himself.

He does not seem to be concerned or bothered that he is constantly forgetting things, losing items, not finishing projects, etc. I am always the one who has to come to the rescue to fix things (even the car!) and I am so TIRED of having to worry and manage every detail of our lives. Over the years, less complicated chores have fallen to him because he cannot be counted upon to take care of important things. Even then, he takes short cuts on “his” tasks, often to the detriment of our family. When I try to discuss it, he becomes defensive, makes excuses or tries to blame me or the kids. It’s insulting that he thinks he can fool anyone with his excuses. He refuses to admit his role.

This morning was one of his classic ADD moments. He left with the kids for school/work at 7:30am. When I came downstairs at 8:30am to go to work myself, the front door was wide open! I needed to leave, so I grabbed my purse, hit the door lock and closed the door behind me before realizing that my cell phone was still in the house. But when I went to get back into the house, he had removed my house key from my ring without telling me and didn’t put it back on my ring. So now I was locked out with no phone. Things like this happen ALL THE TIME... and I'm on my own to fix it. I'm so SICK of it.

I completely understand why another poster mentioned that her spouse seemed “mildy retarded” because I often feel that way about mine. In my mind, it is not possible that a functional adult could make the same mistakes over and over and over again unless they had some form of retardation going on.

On top of all this, he is incapable of dealing with any critical areas of discussion; each and every time I try to talk about things important things with him, he withdraws. He avoids any conversation that involves dealing with emotions; he’ll chat it up about current events, news articles he’s read, upcoming plans we have, etc. but any topic that may involve our family or feelings… he’s out. He sits there quietly and does not respond. I feel like this is his way of “punishing” me for trying to make him deal with grown up topics and issues. I think he’d prefer that I handle these harder topics on my own without troubling him with them. Yeah… that seems fair, right?

We have been in marriage counseling for several months and the therapist insists that we are in this cycle where the underlying problem is that we just aren’t “connected”. She would like me to ignore all of his screw ups so that we can become “connected” again. But no matter how many times she tries to convince me, I just don’t see how this will solve the problem with the ADD behaviors. I don’t care how “connected” I am to him; I refuse to continue to follow him around with a pooper scooper for the rest of our lives, fixing his screw ups.  I am also very resentful of this therapy approach because I feel like, once again, he gets off easy and I do all the work. I have to step away from my own frustrations to protect HIS delicate sensibilities so he can feel “safe” again and connect with me so I'll be able to overlook the ADHD. I just don't see that happening.

I’d like to know what other approaches are used in ADHD/marriage therapy? Our therapist specializes in ADD but does not ever want to address the impact that his disorder and behaviors have on our marriage. Every time I try to bring it up, we go back to needing to be connected. I just don’t think that’s the answer. Anyone?

Is this something my fellow "non"s have experienced?:

We (I and my ADHD spouse) have been dealing with a volatile issue-money(go figure). Since this, and let's be honest, sometimes when we are doing ok, I reach out and...nothing(he's not there/doesn't want to talk). Then, he brings up a touchy subject, I respond, I ask for a response and...nothing. I do not hear back from him, until muuuch later, and then it is almost like it never happened. I start to wonder if I am crazy...?

He says he will call, I don't hear from him. By the way, this is NOT the norm when we are doing fine. When I ask what happened, he gets angry/defensive. Then, he comes forward and calls me. When we talk this time it is like nothing happened. I reach out, he doesn't answer. And around and around we go. Any insights on this bizarre behavior?

This post is part rant, part seeking help and ideas.

I grew up with a brother and a mother who were both diagnosed with ADHD right around the same time (1991 when it was "all the rage") so I've essentially been a mom all my life. About 2 months ago, my fiancé was diagnosed with ADHD. We've been together for 4 years, and we've lived together for a year and a half. I've always been easy going and the opposite of a nag. With him, I feel like the uptight, nagging mom all over again. We are going to therapy together and he started a low dose of Aderall. Today (after forgetting to fill his Rx on Monday) he was to up his dose with his new Rx but the pharmacy won't have it until Tuesday. He is completely without meds and he has a deadline for work this weekend. His ADHD is ruining his career. In the last year it seems he cannot maintain a job more than a month or so at a time. He says he cannot work without his pills and he said he's afraid he's come to rely on them. I've done so much research to find other ways to help him, but he refuses to try anything but the pills and basic talk therapy. I feel like I can talk until my face turns blue, I don't feel any better and I am trying to accept that this won't change. I can deal with my mother's ADHD, she works hard to keep it under control, and she's worked hard to give me everything she could as a mom. My partner just wants to throw money at everything to make it 'all better' but he's not making any money because he can't keep a job. He can't wake up on his own. He can't take his pill without me handing it to him. I cannot ask him to take on any responsibility without a tantrum followed by forgetting to do it (he agrees that the accurate word for it is 'tantrum'). He can't - refuses to - cook, he can hardly do his own laundry. He is incapable of functioning as an adult. It feels as though he turned 15, having been catered to and pampered his whole life, and stopped evolving. I'm told I am incredibly patient, but that's not enough. I just don't know what I can do to ease this situation. I am about to start a new career that involves being a full-time student and, if he can't keep a job, a full time job. I'm terrified that it's all going to fall apart if I don't do something.