Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Confronting a spouse that clearly has ADHD about it by: Anony38 12 years 5 months ago

    Hi,

    I am soooo glad that I found this website. I was at my wits end. Then my husbands stepmother help me to realize that my husband more than likely has ADHD. I have kept telling him over the last few years that he has a mood disorder, some sort of mental illness, anxiety disorder or something. His mother & brother are both bi-polar & have ADD & his biological father & his moms mom have issues as well. I tried to approach him about it tonight & he kinda got mad, but I said that I had been reading this book on it & that it sounds as if we could've written over half of the experiences in there, to a tee! & I told him about a quiz I found & he gets very angry when I approach him about stuff like this becuz of his moms & brothers history & the fact that they use their mental illnesses for excuses to not be responsible or have jobs or do anything else really. I keep telling him that he's not like that, i try to stay reeeeeally positive, & i constantly have to watch what i say & walk on egg shells so to speak because if i dont, then i hurt his feelings & im soooo mean. I really try to not call him names, i never say hes stupid, i do get sngry &call him a jerk alot tho. I dont mean to but theres only so much crap that one person can take before going over the ledge- lol!

    I'm hoping that educating him on what I've recently read & learned that it will sink in & make him think about things enough to be curious. Because I think that I have the key to saving our marriage. When first reading this website & the book, I wanted to cry because I felt oddly relieved that someone else knew what it was like to live in my shoes, something that none of my friends can relate to at all. They all just say that I'm coming dangerously close to the point that I need to leave him. Hell, his step mom told me to leave him to give an ultimatum, like get help or I'm out-  But he is a wonderful person when he can be, like right now we are having one of his "good " weeks. Then the cycle usually goes into kinda depressed & hateful & defensive & insecure & then it's like a switch is flipped & he's good again for a little while. So, I guess, after all my long windedness describing our dynamics, can anyone help me to give me a clue how to get him on board to take this seriously without hurting his feelings (which I hear like 40 times a day, along with him calling himself fat- which he IS NOT) and without making him defensive? & then maybe going to a counselor to get diagnosed. I've gotten half way thru reading the book & I tried a different response to his actions this last weekend & it seemed to help a little to make us not fall into the old patterns. But I know for us to be successful in getting thru this that he has to be on board too. So again, any suggestions about how to get this subject going & talking about it in a non threatening way? I would greatly appreciate it sooo much !!!

    Thanks for listening, I have a little bit of hope again! I hope! Lol! :)

  • Chit Chat...no need to stay on topic by: NJTWINMOM 12 years 5 months ago

    Some of us just want to chit chat and not mess up anyones threads (I do apologize for any I have been a part of)

    Let's just use this thread.

    Bad day with ADHD husband.  He hasn't spoken to me "other than being civil" since Thursday...I am so sick and tired of asking.....it's really not worth it anymore.  I am starting to see that this is going to go nowhere and I am so sad.

     

  • Guilt,trust,jealousy by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 5 months ago

    I am not shock!! last night when DH came home form work he was totally stressed out.He said work was stressing him out and he needed to get out and stress (down),he was pilled out with some un prescribed stress medication from the pharmacy..He wanted to go to the casino,well,before doing so I was at his apartment and for the entire time before leaving home he was totally ignoring me, and I was sooo uncomfortable.Nothing out of the unusual there! I am use to that ignoring by now.When we got there, he was on many many different slot machines, and I was the only one on (one) machine the entire time.He was losing for the entire night which only made his stress level worse.I was winning and that was kind of bothering him, and he was trying and trying,then suddenly out of no where"this" 20 something year old girl was our waitress for the night,(very pretty,about 100 lbs or so,) and DH was staring staring staring her down,that had me really jealous and mad all at once,I had this instant rush of low self esteem,but,I am better now after pulling myself together,very very quickly.I am always coming across some woman that he cannot stop staring down ever so often,but this one was way too much,the girl is sooo young,and that had me feeling really down last night,it caused me to have "mood swings"and anger like crazy also resentment for him,he saw I was mad last night but I blamed it on poor service,but, he knew I was on to him,and he,of course, was trying to defend himself,but he was guilty and he knew it.,it had me feeling like I am too old now all of a sudden, and I am young,younger than him,he is 47, and I am 32,and still he is ogling across these kid girls.Imagine,his mother gave me a beautiful pair of earrings for Mother's day, and he never even noticed that I had them on last night,when I asked him today,he said:"I don't know you had them on,you never told me" told you!!!???? I had them on,then how it is you never noticed them on,well I know it's b/c he was busy watching other women that he never even noticed me.

    I don't feel like having sex with him again! I am losing my desire to have intimacy with him,he does not know it yet,but he would soon.

    Oh!! and last week at the grocery, he was staring down this pretty little girl,I swear she was only 15 or 16,she was with her mother.

    When I confronted him about the (few)things that he was/is doing wrong,he got soo mad tonight and was shouting loud loud and acting all crazy,saying that I am not grateful for the "good"things that he has done so far,and that I should find a next man to gave me the things I want in life.Maybe I will,maybe I should.He has really done nothing more than cause me pain,and I am suffering!! suffering for all the good things that a husband should do for a great wife! I am a great wife! and I have been abused enough by all his actions,when is this ever going to end? with no effort on his side,only on my side.It's like this,he wants me to be forever grateful for the "good"things he has done,and,the bad,well, he wants me to forget them.Hell no!! it don't work soo.When the bad out weighs the good then something is clearly wrong here.

    Taking into consideration, I have a 9 year old daughter,that 9 year old will be 18 in 9 years,what if he starts looking at her now,then I think I have a lot of thinking to do now,I better start.

    lovehurts.

  • SLEEP by: tonyafraser 12 years 5 months ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD.  He has had sleep problems since we met.  Including sleep apnea which I read goes along with ADHD.  

    His ADHD has caused him to lead a lifestyle full of work, and all his other interests.  When we had our 1st child 14 years ago, he moved to the guest room since I kept him up at night being pregnant and uncomfortable.  Then after the child was born he stayed in the guest room since I breastfed through out the night and it woke him up.  

    This actually sounds ridiculous as I type it...

    But, one more birth child and one adopted child later we have had all sorts of arrangements for sleeping.  I have slept in kids rooms, they have slept with me, I have slept on an airbed, husband has slept in the kids room.  

    And since his lifestyle led to me being alone with kids for days at a time, and I couldn't get 3 little kids to sleep at the same time, I have basically in some way just tried to get some sleep.

    We are finally down to 1 five year old who sleeps with me.  Sometimes my husband sleeps with us and sometimes he sleeps in the kid's room.  I am trying to transition her onto an air bed in my room, then into her room with me on an air bed, then on her own.  

    I know people will LOVE to critizise me about the sleeping arrangements, but it basically started 14 years ago with a pregnant woman, breastfeeding, then putting kids to bed alone after being alone with them all day while her ADHD husband led a very full life.  

    I am VERY angry when he leaves to go in the other room.  When he left the bedroom when I was pregnant it broke my heart and it hurts everytime he leaves.  Like picking a scab off an old wound.  And I'm angry that I am still the only one responsible for planning how to get the 5 year old to bed as I was responsible for getting the other two kids to bed.  Who by the  way sleep extremely well in their own rooms now!!!

    I'm not sure whether to tell him if he chooses to leave the bedroom to not come back.  Help!

     

     

     

     

  • ADHD and infidelity by: Longhaul 12 years 5 months ago

    Ok I need to know what people out there have dealt with on this issue.  Please keep on topic. :)  I really need to know what to expect with my newly DH. I am non ADHD.  We have already had some issues on this topic.

    I need help. 

  • a terrible mo(u)rning by: officefailure 12 years 5 months ago

    This morning was one of the worst in my life. My soon to be ex and I were scheduled to arrive at court for 8:15 am. I left a few minutes late, for no good reason either other than I was sobbing on the couch and could hardy move. On the way there, I discovered that the parking lot I needed was closed. I park in a no-park zone and run to the courthouse.

    I go thru the scanning stuff, and discover I brought a lunch-fork into the courthouse by mistake(was in my purse), setting off the metal detector. I was 10 minutes late. I was so embarrassed. In my mind, I'm screaming at myself: You are such a failure, a loser, an ADHD unfocused individual...

    At the court meeting, we talked about the division of property, etc. Afterwards, the flood of emotions poured in: how much I don't want this divorce, how much I love my soon to be ex, how attractive he is, how much I messed up, how I don't know where to live after June when he officially owns our condo. I'm really struggling with my decision to re-locate to Philly (Family lives in Philly, I never lived there though. I currently live in a small New England state working 3 different jobs all under $11 an hour). I've only told a couple co-workers about my situation.  My family is really pressuring me to move to Philly, the pressure heightens my stress. Anyone ever go thru a divorce and notice how it drives your family crazy and into emotional states just like it does to you?

    I realized today that re-locating during all of this is heightening my stress level by a thousand percent, but I don't know if staying here will help either. I feel like my soon to be ex loved me through and through despite the current divorce, and it is extremely painful to lose that kind of love. I feel like all the blood is draining from my face. Yesterday I almost fainted at work, with the painful emotions rushing through my veins.

    I desperately need counseling right now. It's tough to find someone who is willing to meet during evening hours (I work literally all day w/ my 3 jobs). It's frustrating how hard everything is right now, and more so to navigate the mental health system and find someone who can get started with me immediately and be willing to meet in the evening hours...

     

     

  • My Parent has ADHD by: anonymous_mg 12 years 5 months ago

    I understand this forum is primarily for marriage related ADHD concerns, but I couldn't find any other place to discuss this topic. 

      My dad has ADHD, although he has not been diagnosed, and will probably refuse to do so; he is 56. He has caused our life to spiral out of control. My family is in debt, and there is constant chaos.  His actions day-to-day lead me to feel as though he is not my father, but my brother. He is irresponsible, lazy, erratic, impulsive, cruel with his words, and unconcerned with the well being of our family; he only acts like a dad when it suits him, never when I need him to be a dad. My mother, on the other hand, tries her hardest everyday to make sure my brother and I have food to eat and house to live in. I try to help out around the house as much as I can, but my assistance is limited because I am just learning how to drive (I am 20!). It is incredibly difficult for both my mom and I to "watch over" a 56 year old man who acts similar to a beheaded chicken on speed. He fights with everyone constantly, but never knows when anything is wrong, does only what he wants to do, and doesn't care about anything anyone has to say. Worst of all, my older brother has Bipolar disorder and Epilepsy, so when you add him to the equation, the odds are never good. I have never had a chance to be a kid, because ever since I was 14, I was watching over the two of them (because my mom works two jobs, and is gone a lot). All of this is just the tip of the iceberg....I am simply writing on this forum to reach someone who understand what it is like to live like this, and to learn that I am not alone. I don't have any questions about ADHD, or concerns, I just would like to talk to someone who's been there. Thanks!

  • I want to wake up and be in a differant life! by: BluAngel83 12 years 5 months ago

    I began dating my now spouse in November 2010 and by November 2011 we were married. At that time she was everything I could ask for with potential for more!! Boy was I wrong!!!!!!! We just found out that she has ADD and now it has become a crutch. We started marriage counseling in April 2012 because being raised by a military family, I was not allowed to make excuses or give up easily and I had to FIND a way to make things happen...strong adapting skills if you will and I was determined to make this work. After marriage I felt like she lacked everything...She managed her symptoms before by smoking marijuana (says the therapist) so I had NO CLUE what I was getting myself into. I was the only one in her life that even cared enough to see that something was off...forgetting everything, spacing out when faced with harsh reality, suddenly not knowing how to do ANYTHING. I never know if it's her manipulating me (she grew up doing this daily to any and everyone to survive) or if its really the ADD. This has became extremely frustrating as I was a single mother prior to meeting her and I just found out my son has ADHD. I found myself being a mother to 2 children. I have always been supportive of her and encouraged her to reach for the stars....little did I know, she was just taking and not giving. We had many talks of how she needed to help out more and try to regain herself. She read a few pages on the net and started to realize a few things that she had been doing....THATS IT...bottom line is I do not want to be responsible for her and her nasty attitude. Everything I say to her hurts her feelings or makes her defensive and I frankly do not want to deal with that from someone who makes it CLEAR that they need me. I will NOT be taken advantage of! I have a child who depends on me and is learning his coping skills from me so I have a lot of say in how he manages his ADHD...For her...I would have to unravel 26 years of horrible coping skills and ghetto behavior as she was raised by the streets (not parents) and since I cant relate to that life and have no clue where to start I'd rather leave. I know this seems really harsh but I'm tired of understanding and saying its ok and lying to myself about this. This is NOT ok and I'm tired of understanding and I simply do not want to rewire my whole life to accommodate her so she can find out who she is all over again especially since she has such a sarcastic and truly NASTY attitude when I try to guide her or advise her of anything. She doesn't seem to understand or care how much responsibility this will be for me to pretty much raise her for the rest of my life...I have been drained and pumped with hope only to be drained again. My child comes first!!! I can not be any good to him if I waste all of my energy into her. She constantly mopes around feeling sorry for herself instead of trying to talk about our problems. She would rather isolate herself from everyone than to talk. I HATE IT! I'm tired of being embarrassed because of her bad people skills and her lack of confidence. WHERE IS THE PERSON I FREAKING MARRIED? I have gone back and forth with my emotions but always find myself extremely depressed and angry and I refuse to be that person. No one can tell the next person what they should do or how they should feel but venting feels really FREAKING awesome right now. I want to leave but I feel sorry for her cause she will run right back to the place that created the disfunctional mess she is today.  No one cares for her and she is really (or used to be) a sweet person but who can be attracted to their dependent? I never know if she really loves me since she never seen or felt love growing up.

  • Dear Click and Clack by: jennalemon 12 years 5 months ago

    DH is "on the road" sales.  He puts on more than 20,000 mi a year.  He is using the old family car that my budget paid for and has no savings in his business to purchase the next car.  Here is the queer part. ALL of his gas receipts show that he pays with $10 or $20 cash and takes $10 to $15 in change, buying gas $5 to $10 at a time all over the state!  When I ask him about this, he says he only puts in $5 at a time because he has the trunk weighted down with so much weight that he doesn't want to put more than a couple gallons in at a time to SAVE GAS because it would make the car heavier to tow! And he doesn't trust himself with a credit card. It makes no sense to me. His whole concept of budget, profit, cash, credit savings and his over-positive ideas about value and profit and time makes my brain spin more than an ADD brain does.  $5 cash each time for gas to save money - what is he doing?

  • ADHD, marriage and sexual issues. by: Longhaul 12 years 5 months ago

    I am a non ADHD wife married to a DH with antisocial with self defeating

    tendencies.  Married 3 years, newly diagnosed he is.  This is an 

    area for a topic that I know has been affected because of impulses. 

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