The past few days/weeks have been the darkest days of my life. Sadly, my spouse (I have ADHD, spouse does not) has decided he wants to divorce and we filed in March. We are in our late 20's and do not have children.

I was looking at some old pictures of us the other day and nearly doubled over in grief. Despite all of our issues and pending divorce, he is still the sexiest and funniest person I know. I love the way his mind works and the clarity of his writing/thinking. I always loved talking with him and I'm dying inside knowing that our story is ending. I truly believe we have a once in a lifetime connection and have no idea how I'll overcome my grief.

Our condo closing is coming up soon (in early June). We are currently both living in the condo, though he is gone frequently. He is buying me out of the condo. I've never experienced this amount of stress and sadness in my life. I'm filled with guilt and remorse. I'm trying my best to cope & accept the situation, keeping busy working my 3 jobs (all pay under $11 an hour, but I like the jobs OK and people I work with) and talking with family members frequently. Since I work at schools, my jobs end and are unpaid over the summer.

I don't know whether I want to re-locate out of state. Family members are pressuring me to move to a larger, urban area where they live. I live in a small New England state and have a liberal arts BA. I don't know if re-location to a new state is the answer right now, if it will be good for me to get away from here where are of the marriage memories are, or if relocating to a new state without a job lined up will only heighten the stress. I've moved many, many times in my life (over 8 times, and I'm only 28). I don't have any family where I live right now. My family can really irritate me for various reasons, but they are trying to be there for me. My 2 closest friends are both out of the country. I'm also hesitant to relocate b/c I'm successful in my current full-time job, and I have had some job issues in recent years. However, my full-time jobs pays terribly (again, under $11 an hour). Despite my ADHD and office failures, I want more for myself than this.

They say you shouldn't make life changing decisions during a crisis, and I can see why...

It is a miserable game of ping-pong back and forth in my head, should I relocate to a new state or not? Ping pong, ping pong, ping pong. Being home is a really terrible experience,as I see all of our stuff, a reminder of all that I am losing and all that I've fucked up. I end up crying every night when I come home from work.

Lost & Sad...I would greatly appreciate some comments/thoughts on this.

I need a little help interpreting this situation.  I am an adhd husband who is presently separated from my wife but living under the same roof (roommates). She initiated the separation.  She says that nothing has changed with us. I now interpret that to mean that she is lonely and I still have not connected with her.  She says I still speak harshly with her and do not know how to interact with her.  She has stated recently that there is no us and can not be until I get help.  Do not work on us, work on me.

Recently (this week) she resigned from her job (career job 46K) to open a pre-school. Obviously opening a business will require a lot of resources.  Resources that she really does not have.  If she can not open the school in an off site location then she wants to open it at our home and build from there.  As of today I am the single income earner in the home.  We.....she (we are separated remember) have  2 1/2 months to get things together prior to the school opening.

What the what is this???? She can not possibly do this without me.  What is she thinking?  I am not trying to be egocentric,  but the reality is she can not do this without me, but we are separated remember. I am really contemplating leaving.  I am 1 month post diagnosis and now accepting that I have adhd.  She is and feels what the majority of the non-adhd women on this forum feels.  So if she knows that I am struggling (we are struggling) and I am falling apart through all of this why would she do this?  I am on the verge of a nervous break down over my failing marriage and she quits her job.!.?   Why would she put herself in a position that if I left she literally could not make it?  If our marriage is struggling this much why would she put herself in a position where she is even more dependent on me?   If we divorced I was willing to go through counseling she was not.  Surely the judge would look at that in my favor.  She resigned (no unemployment). Being honest with you all, she does not talk about divorce I have.... out of frustration.

When I reach out to her I know she wants me to reach out to her, but she rejects me every time.  She wants to be connected with me but she resist any attempt for me to connect.  Obviously she is scared to trust me.  I get that. But if we are separated should I not accept the terms and start enjoying my half of the separation too? She is or seems to be enjoying her half of the separation.

My position... if she is not healing and wants to remain separated, why would I stay here while she lives a single life at my expense (in house baby sitter while she takes up dancing to escape)?  I love her and I grieve the idea of my children  growing up in a single household, but what am I to do?  Am I being self-centered?  I have been advised through this forum to be patient and to understand her pain.  To endure the hurt and soldier on.  But if she does not want to go through counseling as a couple but demands that I get help myself that puts me in a position where I must self-preserve.  What am I to tell a counselor?  She feels that the sessions need to be all about me.  She wants me to get myself together and I really do not need to mention her in the session.  What!!!!!  This makes no sense to me!!!  My sadness is due to a failing marriage.  My erratic behavior is due to this nightmare situation.  I am totally consumed day and night with my marriage and she says focus on me not her. My world had been rocked because the love of my life is not happy.  This is impacting my performance on my job. She says there can be no us until I deal with me.  She wants me to change and I need to work on me not the relationship, but at the same time she says nothing has changed or changing. In fact things have gotten worse according to her.  So working on me is working on the relationship.?!  But yet I believe she really wants a normal relationship with a strong connection.  What the What.....  The biggest issue is the lack of connection which has produced a non-existent relationship.  I get it.

I am tired. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am tired. If I ask her what does she want she says she is tired of saying it. She does not want to talk about us at all.  If I were to leave right now my children and wife would suffer tremendously I know, but if I stay I fear that I will have an emotional melt down.  I fully accept my responsibility and part in what has caused my marriage to be where it is right now.  My heart says be patient, find a healthy outlet as you rebuild; keep trying and do not give up.  My mind says ok.....I will deal with me....20 miles or so away. Either way it goes this is an extremely painful situation.

The past few days/weeks have been the darkest days of my life. Sadly, my spouse (I have ADHD, spouse does not) has decided he wants to divorce and we filed in March. We are in our late 20's and do not have children.

I was looking at some old pictures of us the other day and nearly doubled over in grief. Despite all of our issues and pending divorce, he is still the sexiest and funniest person I know. I love the way his mind works and the clarity of his writing/thinking. I always loved talking with him and I'm dying inside knowing that our story is ending. I truly believe we have a once in a lifetime connection and have no idea how I'll overcome my grief.

Our condo closing is coming up soon (in early June). We are currently both living in the condo, though he is gone frequently. He is buying me out of the condo. I've never experienced this amount of stress and sadness in my life. I'm filled with guilt and remorse. I'm trying my best to cope & accept the situation, keeping busy working my 3 jobs (all pay under $11 an hour, but I like the jobs OK and people I work with) and talking with family members frequently. Since I work at schools, my jobs end and are unpaid over the summer.

I don't know whether I want to re-locate out of state. Family members are pressuring me to move to a larger, urban area where they live. I live in a small New England state and have a liberal arts BA. I don't know if re-location to a new state is the answer right now, if it will be good for me to get away from here where are of the marriage memories are, or if relocating to a new state without a job lined up will only heighten the stress. I've moved many, many times in my life (over 8 times, and I'm only 28). I don't have any family where I live right now. My family can really irritate me for various reasons, but they are trying to be there for me. My 2 closest friends are both out of the country. I'm also hesitant to relocate b/c I'm successful in my current full-time job, and I have had some job issues in recent years. However, my full-time jobs pays terribly (again, under $11 an hour). Despite my ADHD and office failures, I want more for myself than this.

They say you shouldn't make life changing decisions during a crisis, and I can see why...

It is a miserable game of ping-pong back and forth in my head, should I relocate to a new state or not? Ping pong, ping pong, ping pong. Being home is a really terrible experience,as I see all of our stuff, a reminder of all that I am losing and all that I've fucked up. I end up crying every night when I come home from work.

Lost & Sad...I would greatly appreciate some comments/thoughts on this.

Hello,

I'm a 41 years old married for 11 years to an ADHD man. He is not diagnosed and I think he would never accept to take a test, as the idea of him having something wrong, is not possible for him.

I started reading about ADHD, because of my boy, he has it, has been diagnosed and is taking Ritalin. It seems to help him at the school and at the moment he is doing fine. I'm the one who decided to have him checked and found a pediatrician specialized in ADHD. I'm the one who goes to the consults, deal with the school, homework, housework, etc.

My husband doesn't believe in ADHD, he thinks it's something created for some doctors, so they can make money with people like me; however, he gives my son his Ritalin if needed and if I'm not there.

I can deal with my son, whose ADHD is medium, and I think although is very stressing at times, we are doing alright.

My biggest problem, is my husband. As he doesn't accept ADHD in general, less he accepts he should get a test and I think I had enough trying to convince him there is something wrong with him and that we have to work on it.

When we first met everything was fine, he was a bit hyper but that made him different in front of my eyes. We met in a country where neither of us was born, we had no family there and I had just arrived, he was living there for a while, so he helped me to settle down, showed me around, so it was just the perfect relationship, or that was what I though.

After getting married I starting to realize that, although he was still the same, there where small details that made me wonder if he was aware of them or not at all. For example, he was studying for this masters, we were living with other students and their families inside the university campus, it would have been the best time of our lives, but it was not, mostly because of his lack of social skills, he was not able to make friends, he couldn't work with anybody as a team, he was always sleeping during classes and that made all professors a bit bitter about him. There were many times when I noticed his classmates would make fun of him, laugh at him, not with him, and that hurt me very much but he seemed not to notice it. So I tried to make a blind eye on it, although I found myself avoiding meeting with people or socializing very much.

After he finished his studies, struggling to prepare his final project, but we managed.  He found a job in a nice town and we moved there, my son was born and I  though we  where fine. But soon, he started having problems at his work, he said he was being pushed to take some tests and capacitation  courses, he failed the exams and blamed me for nagging him and not letting him  study.(?) I honestly was nagging him, because I saw him watching TV or doing anything but studying!

His social skills, or the lack of them, soon where noticed by our new neighbours, and everybody that we met around. While I was going around with my baby, trying to fit and make friends, every time I invited someone to our house, he would make silly remarks, talk too much, say inappropriate things and make everybody feel very uncomfortable. First I tough that is his personality, perhaps I can help him, telling him   he shouldn't say that and so on. But, soon I realized he didn't care, as they were my friends, it was my problem if they didn't like coming to visit us anymore, in fact, he often blamed me for this, as I was not a good friend and they might have got crossed with me for something a had done. So I tried to avoid bringing people home, and only socializing when he is at work.

After a couple of years, he was asked to resign from his job, he blamed his managers, his colleagues, me, even the baby for this, everybody, but him and his lack of interest in the job.

He found another job and we moved again. Same thing happened there, I would meet some friends, but when they met him, he would make them feel uncomfortable, would say inappropriate things (like, if I'm having coffee with another mum with a baby, he would talk about how tiring is to be the one who works all day, while women only go around having coffee at friends!) 

Couple of years later, he was asked to resign his job again and that time he blamed the crisis, the terrorists and of course me. Never stopped and though what he did wrong, what could have helped him to keep that job.

A few years, later, after another job failing, he found one in another country, another language and culture. At that time, I suspected my boy having ADHD but my husband whipped the idea out of his head. As I didn't want to cause him any stress, I found a doctor, and had him diagnosed, without his intervention.

We are living in this country for almost three years now, and guess what..my husband has started a new job a few months ago, after he was asked to resign from the first one, due to his lack of interest, bad performing, etc. But for him, the reason is, that this time, the manager was a woman, and as all women, she didn't know anything, she was stupid, she was this and that..not his fault at all! It was the managers' fault, the colleagues fault and of course...mine.

I'm actually, packing up all our stuff now, to move to another place, near to his new job...but only wondering if I should bother unpacking, as I have lost faith in him and his possibilities to hang on in a job for long time.

Because I resent him, for putting us through all this, he feels the same and doesn't waste any chance he has, to let me know, how ungrateful I am, because he has provided for us all this years and I have been living doing nothing! He has said that in front of my friends, he has said that to my brother in law, trough the computer and will do in front of whoever wants to hear him. He doesn't care about all the sacrifice I had to make, to follow him every time he has made redundant from his jobs. I'm the one who puts up with the everyday work and chores, I have meeting with the teachers at school, and had to struggle to communicate because I don't speak the language. I'm the one who is desperate because I can't help my son with his homework, because of the language, I'm feeling I can't carry on like this. He seems to not notice anything else outside his box, where there are only a few important things, his hobbys, his friends (pair of friends who I suspect have his conditions as well) and his computer. He doesn't care about my sons school, friends, trips, clothes..anything. 

The worst thing is that, I think he is getting worst with the time, or perhaps is me who is noticing more things now...he has started to be paranoid with the money, once he slept holding his wallet! When I asked why he said, someone could get into the house and take it!. He doesn't want to expend money in my son or me. He said he is saving as much as he can, so he can retire soon and enjoy his retirement life, waterskiing, snowboarding and traveling. I can not see him, really caring for us as a family. And I think I have come to a term where I can't take it anymore.

I have tickets to go and see my family, with my son, and I'm considering the idea of not returning to him anymore.

Sorry the long post, but I can't talk about this with anybody and I'm so stressed, worn out and desperate, I want to do what is good for my son, and I don't see how, staying with his father, would be good for him.