Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Overwhelmed by: SeekingHappiness 12 years 6 months ago

    Where to start?!

    I am a Non-ADHD wife to an ADHD husband who was diagnosed at Elementary school age, together we have a 3 year old and 1 year old.. he is in the military in process of being discharged due to overstaffing after nearly 14 years and I am a stay at home Mom. I try not to dwell on things that have happened in the past, but it's seemingly impossible for me to not. I have become very angry, very resentful, overweight, isolated and just feel completely hopeless at times. My husband works a relatively normal schedule amongst his many appointments while in process of transitioning back to the civilian world. We have spent the passed 2 years in a place that has only put more stress on our marriage and overall quality of life. My only two friends I've made have left, my husbands only friend has left...  we have relied on each other but are fully aware we need other healthy outlets in order to succeed - which in 4 weeks when we move we will finally have family surrounding us and a chance to hopefully begin fresh.

    As of now, we are caught in a downward spiral of unhealthy communication and disconnect. To add to our emotions, our 3 year old has just been prediagnosed with ADHD also along with OCD to be further evaluated in 3 weeks by a child psychologist professional. While at home, my husband is BEYOND disconnected and distracted. 90% (if not more) of his time is spent sitting at his computer, back turned from EVERYTHING, watching anime cartoons or playing video games. The video gaming doesn't so much bother me, as I know it is an outlet and I also at times join in with him and it is something that does connect us. We have tried setting up scheduling, but he never follows through and always loses track of time or forgets what he has said to me. When he does step in with parenting, he is typically amazing and fun or the extreme opposite as an overwhelmed disciplinary. I have tried desperately  to get him to dedicate at least one hour ONCE a week to spending with me, but he won't do it. He says he loves me, I don't doubt that he does - but I don't know what much else I can do. I don't feel like an HOUR is much to ask for - but he just can't give it to me. Our daughter has added stress with her defiance, tantrums, outbursts and her own frustration of having a lack of maturity to comprehend what we expect from her. We were supposed to go to family counseling weeks ago, but he never followed up with his referral and the DAY OF our first appointment he had to cancel for insurance reasons to be fixed the next week but he still hasn't done it even with reminders. Housework? Yeah, that's all me...  I just recently spent 3 days scrubbing down the house from top to bottom and then in less than half a day the kids and him trashed it and it's expected to all be picked up again by me. During the day parenting my children is my full time job. My daughter needs constant attention and acknowledgement of being who she is, and I appreciate that but it makes it difficult to accomplish much else. At bedtime we both typically participate to put the kids down, then he is right back on his computer and I am maybe watching a show before getting dishes done and laundry folded along with picking up the house for the next morning. His ONE responsibility is to take out the trash, and it will be overflowing before I usually just do it myself because asking him to do it typically leads to me nagging - and I HATE being the Naggy Wife. So back to his computer usage..  I know he watched porn regularly but I think I am unsure how often in fact he does. I am lucky to get intimate regularly unless it is "scheduled in" but that doesn't even always work. He stays up until 12-1 on nights he doesn't have to work the following mornings and usually until like 5 or 6 AM when he has off the next. I get up EVERY SINGLE MORNING BY MYSELF with the kids, which is causing severe resentment. I have pleaded for help, with little resolve. I am exhausted every morning myself, because foolishly I keep myself awake until around midnight just in hopes of getting 10 minutes alone with him - which won't happen. When he does finally come to bed, he turns his tablet on to watch more cartoons with his back turned to me again. I feel ugly, I feel unappreciated, I feel beyond alone and so frustrated. I've begun working out, and eating healthy to lose weight but he just kept criticizing every single thing. He thinks by being so honest and blunt that he is helping me succeed, but really it is just damaging my self-esteem even more and comes off as harsh and like he's talking to one of the guys rather than his wife.  We know that we need counseling, but I don't see it happening unless I just start going by myself but I don't see that fixing our issues together. I have worked on my anger, and I try not to scream... I am the type of person to take most things out on myself until I explode in a bomb of emotional tears and incomprehensible words of despair. I know I need help. How do I get it? We have no reliable sitter here for the children, it's hard for me to trust people because I have been constantly let down where we are now.... we have one car, leaving me home mostly all the time... Whenever I leave him home with the kids he still stays on his computer and I come home to a huge mess.... I am close to my breaking point.

     

    Where can I go from here? Am I doing something wrong? I never thought for a second that I wouldn't be with this man forever, but there have been moments of doubt to that as of recent. Maybe our move and family will bring relief? Maybe getting counseling will help us get back on the same page with parenting, and early intervention for our daughter will just make it easier to parent her anyway? Reading other forums, I feel I am not alone - yet here I feel completely alone.. does that make sense? My husband read the book by Melissa, or I thought he read the whole thing  -  but upon opening our Nook I see he didn't complete it and he confirmed he meant to but forgot - and still hasn't months later. I feel so much anxiety, I am off my anti-depressants because they make me feel worse and my new eating habits and working out has helped but there's more missing.

     

    I need encouragement. I need this man in my life, he is truly a wonderful person with unconditional love (just seemingly can't show it)...  he can be so angry and explosive one moment but forgiving and supportive the next. This is a rollercoaster, but I know all marriages can be and it usually helps you bond and grow closer with each bump right? I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I want the man back that I fell in love with - I know he is still in there....  I feel like I've jumped all over with this post here, but I am so overwhelmed and just needed to speak it all out... 

  • I am so tired of... by: tollysquad 12 years 6 months ago

    I am so tired of being the one to blame.  I am so tired of it always being about him and his needs.  I am tired of walking on eggshells regarding when I talk about things or bring up things about him.  I am tired of all his frustration being taken out on our relationship and no one else.  I am tired of having days spent feeling his frustration with me and of us not connecting.  I am tired of him not really "remembering" the times that I initiate sex.  I am tired of him not remembering all the times that he did not help me, did not ask me about me, about the times he did not help me with the kids activities and all the things that need to be taken care of.  I am resentful for the things he says about me, about what my passions are and about how I am not passionate about him the way that says he feels about me.  I am tired of the irrational things he says.  I am tired of everything revolving around his feelings/needs.  I am tired of not trusting that if I want to really be passionate with him that a month later or weeks later it will turn into him being frustrated at me again.  I am tired of him not seeing my side or thinking about his part in all this.  I am tired of never hearing sorry or that he was irrational.  Or that there are a lot of things that he does not do for me.  I am tired of feeling his general unhappiness.  Nothing is ever enough.

    I am a pretty rational person (non-adhd spouse).  I know that he does not do a great job of helping take care of the kids, scheduling, getting them ready, etc.  It does bother me a little but I never nag him or take it out on him.  I am easy going and accept him for who he is.  I love the way he loves me, in general but I hate that he is always picking me apart and the way that I love him.  It is never enough.  I am tired of that.  I had a dream last night that I was tearing up the house telling him all this stuff (he had another 2-3 day frustrated time and again it was all my/our fault).  We have been married for 13 years with 4 kids and we have great times and we have really crappy times.  All the crappy times are because in his mind it is because of something I did or did not do.  That is not true.  I always see both sides and can readily admit when I don't do things perfectly but I never hear that from him.  I am about at my limit.  I cannot handle another 3 to 4 days of him being frustrated with me for one of the following reasons: he feels I am not as passionate about him, he thinks I am way to sensitive because he says mean things and because when I have hit my limit I say something to him, etc.  I have tried to increase the times I initiate sex with him to once a week for 6 months but that did not work, he was still unhappy or it was not the way he wanted it started (generally we have sex 2 times a week, about half the time it is mutually started and it is probably 80/20 he starts/I start it).  So I am not completely horrible in that department.  I have told him that it is something that I can improve on but it is hard when I try to initiate it by saying lets play a game first (so that I can first get connected with him by getting his undivided attention, instead of always watching TV together when we are not talking).  I have also tried to not let the little verbal jabs not affect me but they do.   So I have tried to act the way he wants me to but it still does not work or it is not enough.  

    He is a great man, is a great father to his kids.  He is really involved in their sports, wants to be with them.  He is romantic and generally likes to spend time with me, when it is what he wants to do.  He is a good man and that is why I am still with him but the one thing I am getting really tired of are these times that we are not connected and it is because he is frustrated with us or something that I did.   We have never not been connected because of something that I am frustrated about.  Does he not realize that.  That is what I cannot get a grasp on.  The next time we have another discussion about this I will tell him all the things I have said here.  Granted it does take me while to speak up since every time I do it gets turned around and back onto me as my fault or my issue but I don't care anymore.  Thanks for the time to vent.  I love this forum.  This is my first post but I do feel connected and supported in everyone else's posts.  So thanks again for listening.  

     

     

     

  • He says I make him feel like a loser by: jennalemon 12 years 6 months ago

    He said I call him a loser with a capital L on his head.  I NEVER called him a loser.  He said it was implied by the things I say and my tone.  That used to shut me up while I contemplated if i do that or to defend myself.    Today I had a great comeback.  "Yes, maybe I do give you that feeling. Sorry. You are constantly silently calling me a bitch with a capital B on my head if you want to count "implied" talking.  You are calling me a bitch when you do your "hang-dog stance" after I ask a simple question. When you look at me with daggers or walk away while I am trying to communicate.  So that is what we think of each other the loser and the bitch?"  We had to laugh.

  • No Meds as yet! But improvement. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 6 months ago

    Hubby has been doing better with his insecurities issues.I have been letting him know that I would never ever cheat on him and it worked.He is doing much much better for the past 2 weeks now.

    One of our biggest problems was him feeling insecure that I would run off with someone else b/c I am 16 years younger than him,and,soo far things have been so much better.

    his mood swings has improve and the "blame game", and also he has been "hyper focusing" back on me,well,at least for now.He has been sooo loving and supportive over the weekend,NO mood swings,NO arguments,just love and devotion.

    I know it may not last,but I have hope,and I am now beginning to understand what is his main issues.The(insecurities).

    lovehurts.

  • A wife with ADHD and a husband unwilling to acknowledge or help by: She Hulk 12 years 6 months ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD about 2 and half years ago and have been fairly successfully medicated for the past year.  I currently struggle with going to bed on time, waking up before noon, and remembering to take my meds on time. 

    I am currently working with a psychologist and my husband and I are seeing a couples therapist.  I am reading, Understanding women and ADHD right now, I had read other books over the years but this one is very helpful to me.  I shared a paragraph with my husband, when he asked me what had brought me to such a state of weeping almost uncontrollably, and he proceeded to tell me that most people would like it if our significant others were helping and understanding and he did not see why that would make me cry. 

    Most of the time when I attempt to share anything to help him understand my behavior and a more helpful way of supporting healthy change versus yelling at me, telling me I am broken, or just blaming me for blaming ADHD for my problems, he then starts telling me his problems and tells me that everyone has problems and basically walks away.  Then I think we are making progress in couples therapy and I am fully impressed by his actions there and then a few days later he starts bashing our therapist and that he does not want to work on anything, including the negative words he uses with me because he is too tired to watch what he is saying and does not feel it is fair for him to have to watch his words like that.  I am already past wanting to fight anymore and I have no idea what more I can do to help him in seeing that a marriage is a two way relationship. 

    I have made a lot of progress in my own self esteem and how to stand up for my rights, because I recognized a lot of the frustration in my husband's voice that I heard in my parents voice growing up I knew something in my head was not the same as others.  I have had a lot of support from my teachers in the past and from other strangers that I feel blessed that I did not take my life at an early age over family frustration but I did run away from them after I graduated high school and ended up in a career that I fully hated and almost let myself be taken from all joys of life.  After I went back to university that is when I went to see a councillor for help.  I got amazing help. 

    I continue though to receive anything but blame from my family and my husband.  I don't want to lose the progress that I have made on myself but I feel like such a loser to have such people in my life.  Any advice?

  • Is it wrong to have needs? by: PoisonIvy 12 years 6 months ago

    My spouse, who has ADHD, has conveyed to me, subtly and directly, that it is unreasonable or abnormal that I have needs for emotional support (e.g., someone to talk to occasionally about me and my life) and that I expect these needs to be met in our marriage, by him.  

    As a result, I have shut down my neediness.  I don't talk to my husband about myself and I rarely talk to other people about myself.  I feel incredibly lonely.  So, everyone out there, what do you think:  is it wrong to have needs?

  • Need to get my life back! by: Yorkshire Lass 12 years 6 months ago

     

      Hello to everyone, 

    I have come across this great website and have just started reading the book. I have always known that something was not quite right but can not believe all the symptoms that have been confirmed. My mother in law, spouse and youngest daughter have what I have previously described as itchy brains. Distracted, compulsive, impulsive, oppositional and risky.  Brains ticking at a million miles an hour unknowingly upsetting so many people.

    My life has been turned upside down and I am struggling to get it back on track.  My husband is a great person, he is very loving and affectionate, funny and generous.  He is a great cook and I know he loves me very much. He has always been very hard work though, awkward and not logical, unable to see the right thing to do, making quick WRONG decisions. He has brought so much hurt to my life, with alcohol and substance abuse, ruining 99% of the social occasions we have ever been to. Urinating over me and his children, losing things, being aggressive. For a long time I thought he was an alcoholic because he couldn't control the amounts he consumed, spending money we just didn't have, so he sought counselling but they said it sounded like relationship issues as he had convinced them that I was controlling as I have always had to make the responsible decisions.  He just couldn't see any of the damage he was doing. I have basically had to be his parent for 13 years.

    I recently found out in a very traumatic way that he had slept with my best friend several times just before we were married and then we had her as a witness.  I know these things happen in life but no one can believe what he has done because everyone thought he was a good guy, a social hand grenade with alcohol but a good guy. This was his best friends wife who it seems was preying on him but still he did it three times. All the time blaming me because he was in victim mode. I was doing the lions share of everything so was exhausted and not interested in sex.  It hurts so bad that he let her manipulate me, he says he just had to forget about it. How can you forget about being so wreckless? He came out with psoriasis all over his body so it must have affected him some how?  I also found out that he had paid for sex under the influence of drugs. Regretting it soon after but managing to forget. He is a very sensitive person so I know that he will have been affected by this even if it will have been short lived.

    He is trying extremely hard to get focused to save our marriage but I can't see him ever being able to be a responsible adult. He has been to the doctors (we live in the uk) but they have sent him away saying that there isn't really anything they can do as there is only a place in London that deals with adult ADHD. I cannot carry anymore of this responsibility, I am broken into tiny pieces. My parenting skills have gone out of the window and he has had to step up and do most things for my girls. They might not get done properly but he is trying and given the way his brain is he is doing very well. I am on anti depressants which devastates me as I grew up with a single parent with serious depression and I have tried so hard to be a responsible parent.

    We have started to read the book together and most of the time he agrees with it but there is a part of him that thinks there is nothing wrong.  I can not carry on without any support, ADHD is consuming my life and I feel terribly alone.

    Sorry to have written so much, I couldn't stop once I started. It has been very therapeutic. Any comments or advise would be greatly appreciated.

    :) 

  • Is he leaving me for real or? by: Hoo 12 years 6 months ago

    For complicated reasons, terribly stress related reasons... it has taken a toll on us both. 

    He (ADD) says he's leaving. He no longer trusts me, says he. Lots of you can understand where the blame goes, right?

    He wants to leave all problems, tough problems. At an elderly age folks. I'm 15 years younger. Been together 12 years. He says he'll be grabbing cheap airfare in about a week. Wants to take no money, leave me with his social security money (I don't want or need it), he'll "find a way in the city."

    We are both exhausted and might sleep better tonight (I hope!).

    Is he really going to leave? Or is all the crap in his head screwing us up?

    Prior to yesterday, we've been heading to, I thought, a better team than ever before. I have learned SO much over the years.

    Huge sad sigh.

    Also, I both hope he does leave, and pray he makes it through this and we hang in there. He tells me that, since being with me, there is only a tiny part of him left (I've heard it before).

    Too tired to write more.

     

    ________

    Following up. We made it through. Been dealing with too much pressure. Love heals all, I am so very grateful. Love, Life... it ain't always easy, but I would not give it up; too many precious moments to lose. Thank goodness for love and laughter!

  • ADHD and anger by: redpoppy 12 years 6 months ago

    Could anybody tell me more about it? Is it part of what ADHD is like? Or could it be something called by Ritalin?

    My husband was diagnosed in 2005, tried Concerta and Adderal for 1 year, and quit. Then started on Ritalin in 2008 and has been on it ever since. His anger has really picked up since about 2009/2010. Before he was sarcastic and would storm out -- now he is furious, unreasonable and sometimes violent. 

    I can't take it anymore. He seems to really truly believe that it is all my fault and will snap at everything I say or do. My life is to walk on eggshells so he won't get angry. If I do that, he is super nice, but if I am not perfect, he will be sarcastic at best, or really, really vicious. I am so very exhausted...

    I began googling about anger, and ADHD was something that kept coming up. I never connected the two. Is it a common symptom? Could the Ritalin be making him worse?

    We have been married 15 years and have 6 kids.

  • Why can't I walk away? (wife of ADD husband) by: Marginal 12 years 6 months ago

    I’ve only just discovered this forum and it is frightening how many women are in a similar position to mine!
     

    When I met my husband he was a loving, caring and attentive man. Sure, he was forgetful sometimes and okay, maybe not all his plans worked out but everyone has that now and then, right?
    Wrong! The minute we got married, things went downhill. The sex evaporated almost overnight (we’d had a very regular sex life up to that point), his forgetfulness got worse and any initiative that he used to have just seemed to have drained out of him.
     

    We were both in very busy jobs and although we had settled into a routine (after a lot of arguments, I basically told him that he was responsible for the hoovering and the washing up), he would *never* do anything outside of his “hoover and wash up” remit. He would only do things if I told/asked him to do them. If the dog had made a mess, he wouldn’t clean it up, claiming “he hadn’t seen it”, if I was ill (which rarely happened because I’m very hard on myself) he wouldn’t cook, he wouldn’t clean, heck, he wouldn’t even bring me a glass of orange juice until I’d kicked his ass and told him he was being a selfish jerk.
     

    I was ready to throw in the towel after just a year of marriage but I felt I couldn’t walk away that quickly. Now I wish I had done.  At that time, we didn’t know he had ADD, that diagnosis came after a few more years of marriage. The turning point came when I told him I was ready to walk away because I was sick of feeling like a maid. All I seemed to be good for was cleaning, cooking and paying half the bills.
    The sex had become non-existent which made me miserable too. I wasn’t allowed to touch him, or make the first move because “that put pressure on him to perform”, which meant that even little gestures were a no-no because he felt I was angling for sex (I wasn’t,  but there you go) and when we did have sex, it was over in less than a minute. I kid you not. He would finish when I was nowhere near and then that would be it. I talked to him about it *so* many times. I told him that I understood he might not always be able to control his own orgasm but that I would appreciate it if he made sure I had a good time too. He would say he didn’t know what to do, so I explained it to him. Over and over and over again. Nothing ever made a difference because the next time, it would be the same “wham, Bam, thank-you-Ma’am”.  I’ve bought him books, I pointed him to websites, I talked until the cows came home…nothing.
     

    So, I told him I was done with him. He was shocked, didn’t understand where this came from (Really?? You mean all the arguments, all the “I feel completely unloved by you” didn’t give you any clues then??) and promised he’d try and be better. He made promises like that in the past and nothing ever came of it, so I told him that that ship had sailed. He said he wanted us to see a counselor. I said there was very little point to that because my feelings had taken such a beating, there was very little left of them.  In the end, we did go to counseling because I wanted to make sure I had done *everything* I could to save this marriage (despite the fact that it had always been me flogging the dead horse anyway, but there you go). So, we went to counseling and as I was telling the counselor all the things that upset me and bothered me about the way our relationship had evolved, she asked if DH had ADD.
    That was a complete epiphany! We never realized there might be a neurological problem! So, DH went to a counselor of his own, got a psychiatrist and *finally* got diagnosed. He got medication and in that first year, things were fantastic! I had the guy back that I had fallen in love with! Needless to say, my old feelings for him returned and it was bliss!
     

    After that first year, things slowly started reverting back to “the old ways” again. His medication was tinkered with and usually brought a small respite but other than that, I feel we’re back where we were when I was ready to leave.
    I am so frustrated and so fed up. I feel I have wasted over a decade of my life on a relationship that only *I* seem to value. And the sad part is, I don’t even know *why* I value it anymore  The short bursts of ‘improvement’ always fills me with such hope, only to be crushed when I discover it’s not permanent. I have been the one to buy books about ADD, to encourage him to find a support group and to basically try and find a way for him to lead a relatively ‘normal’ life, yet he has done *nothing*.  He says he wants me to stay but he doesn’t make any effort to read the books or even meet me halfway.
     

    We share a lot of the same interests, have the same tastes and do enjoy each other’s company but I want an equal partner. I don’t want to be his mother, or his secretary. I want someone I can depend on, who can take care of me on the odd occasion that I need my hand holding and I realize he will never be that man. I know *all* of this and yet, I can’t seem to walk away!! What is wrong with me??
     

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