Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Help! daughter might have ADHD. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 6 months ago

    My daughter might have ADHD,I only realized that recently when I met my ADHD husband and did researches.I landed here and started reading books.I know I should not diagnose her but these are the signs from her from baby to 9 years.

    Firstly this is what I noticed from her at a young age at pre-school:

    She would not sit still in class,she was always restless,she would not listen to her teacher's principal NOBODY,not even me.She would cause the whole class to be dysfunctional with her distractions of getting up all the time and not sitting still,the teacher's would call me in for meetings every month to discuss her inattentiveness.

    She did all that from 5 years to 8 years.Now she has been getting bad grades in school,I would stay at home and prepare her for a weekly test she has on reading or math, and she would ALWAYS come last in test.She forgets EVERYTHING I teach her the very next day.

    She eats eats eats nonstop,she is always eating and watching TV,always looking in the fridge for something to eat or nibbling on snacks,She would never listen to me when I tell her to slow down on the eating,apparently it comforts her and keeps her still,it's the only thing that keeps her still when she is eating food.And now she is overweight for her age.

    She is very messy,she would not put away her toys and the room is always a mess,I would clean the room now and next 2 minutes the room is back the same way again.I am getting worried about this now.Her father has classic signs of ADHD and that is why we are not together today,he went undetected for all his life and still is.Now my daughter is showing up signs of ADHD today and I always thought it was  a growing stage and nothing else.I could never take her on vacations with me b/c of her hyperness and and she just could never sit still.She would tire me out soo much and she still do now.

    I am not sure if this is classic ADHD and if anyone could please give me some insight on this I would be grateful.And I would seek the proper diagnose for her this week,I am already setting up an appointment.

    thank you.

    lovehurts

  • Sex,ADD and communication. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 6 months ago

    My husband is a very "highly sexual person"he has to have sex at least 3 to 5 times a day,sometimes I am very up there in the sex mood as well, I have no problem with my sex drive, but, he tends to want to do this tooooo often and sometimes the only break I would get is if we had a big fight and I am home "by my house".I have noticed also that the only time we could communicate better is after sex, and that makes me wonder why??? the only time he listens to me and would hear me out is right after sex.He would agree with "everything"I have to say concerning his ADHD the getting treated to his anger issues,EVERYTHING, and he would be so sweet and supportive(right after sex).Maybe it is a release/relief at the time and all things bad seem good at that time ,,,I really don't know????

    anyone else has experienced this type of behavior, please share.

    lovehurts.

  • It gets harder and harder by the hour. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 6 months ago

    He is very sick! not only ADHD but many other issues.I have never seen anything this bad before,he is not willing to take responsibilities for his terrible action's.

    We are a sweet couple,we have loads of fun together when we go out,according to the environmental settings and the place and time,we would go out and kiss on the lips every 2 to 3 minutes and we don't care who is looking,we ARE soooo much in love.He has been my love and my sunshine through all the HERD times we have had together.We have a similar kind of likeness to food and socializing,we have the exact excitement for fun things together.Well I am about to go down the other side of my joys,along side them are our BIG fights and arguments over the MOST ridiculous things here goes.

    He is upset I am on the internet,he hates that I own my own business and dealing with the public,he hates my dedication to my family/kids,he feels left out of the equation.I try my utmost best to spend as much time with him a possible so he does not feel left out,,, NOTHING I DO IS GOING TO MAKE IT BETTER.he has to get therapy and go on meds,I have come to my own realization that the only way in order for him to see things clearly is to get him in to therapy and on meds by the ADHD professionals,I know it won't solve all of the problems but it's a start.

    He just would NOT go for treatment.I am having a lot of problems with him like:the porn every night the watching of the other woman,the "blame game" along that my most resent one is him rooting out my car battery from my car to stall me on the road.It cost me 9 hundred dollars of my own currency money not US dollars for my battery, which is a lot in my country.I live in the Caribbean.

    Well the whole thing is I have to either leave him and stick to my plans and give him the option to go and start meds and therapy,or leave for good if he does not.I don't see things getting any better from my view and he has all these unrealistic dreams about having this woman, ANY woman including myself, to dedicate themselves to him and ONLY HIM.It's not going to happen,women will run run run from him,he is very sick he does not have ADHD alone but a train of disorders from my researches, and he has to get immediate help for this else his future is going to be bad for him especially for ANY relationship he was to be in,but that's not my problem if I am not with him at that time.

    I left him to vent home alone for the weekend today and maybe he would STILL not get it ,but at least we would be in a place where we could get away from the fights.He is indeed a very sweet man when he is not in the "ADHD mood"but then again he has"ADHD with depressions"ADHD with anxiety"and many more,I have had a terrible and a wonderful experience with him thus far.But this is not going to get better from what I could see.

    I am sad today to see this go down like this!!!! I know he could be sooo much better if he was to take some responsibility and MAN UP,but this is getting worse NOT better.I don't know what direction to proceed in right now,all I know is that we are losing each other b/c of ALL this.

    lovehurts.

  • Hitting a low spot on the journey by: NJTWINMOM 12 years 6 months ago

    Married 25 years, together 34....husband just diagnosed with ADHD last summer.  January 6th he started Adderall, and our life changed.  Could NOT have been any better.  Finally, he has focus, clarity, understanding...things have come a LONG, LONG, LONG way for us...lately though, we are at a standstill.  Well, I am at a standstill.  He cannot seem to grasp that anything is less than perfect.  I keep talking with him, hinting to him, and also flat out telling him, what the issues are at hand.  He acknowledges me, listens to me, seems to understand me, even thanks me most times, for what he says is "bringing it to his attention", but that's where it stops.  

    I feel like it is all my job now, to make this life of ours exciting and fun and enticing for him, or he could fall back into the old patterns again (looking around).  I single handedly planned our 25th wedding anniversary trip to Vegas, when we got home, about three weeks later he had a "bonus" day off, and I booked an overnight in Atlantic City, to be fun and spontaneous and exciting.  We loved both things very much, but there has been Z E R O effort on his part to do anything for me.  I ask him to do "the little things" here and there,  and he's back to forgetting.  I must remind him a few times, and this is putting us right back in the parent/child dynamic we have had essentially since we met.

    11 pm last night (a Friday night), yes late, but not horribly late, our 18 year old daughter, who will  be leaving for college in August (a mere 3 months from now), got chatty with us.  We were all sitting around just having a delightful conversation.  Husband makes a comment that he is tired, and going up to bed. Daughter seems to take it as a "no ones interested anymore comment" and goes in the other room.  I still sat there, and luckily she did return, and he did remain, and the conversation did continue, but what if it didn't?  He has ruined the relationship with both his kids (18 year old twins).  He has "precious and few" moments like this, and he blows it, by saying something stupid.  I JUST DON'T GET IT.

    We were also asked to attend a party.  Though I know most of the people there, I don't know them as closely as husband does.  Asked him to please not go off and just leave me.  Pointed out that this was our first gathering together since his diagnosis and being on the Adderall. He seemingly understood AND AGREED.  Well we ate when we first got there, so he did sit by me, but then when the plates were clean, he was gone.  Off with the homeowner.  I ignored it initially, then got really frustrated.  Went over by him FOUR times, hoping he would get the hint, but he didn't.  Then, they came inside, and he asked me to join them for the "nickel tour" of the house.  I gladly went along.  Realizing 20 or so minutes into it, that we were going to discuss every lighting fixture past and present that was in the home, and the wood on the floor, and YES, the type of hinging on the kitchen cabinetry, I left them and went in another room.  When he was finally done with his tour, he joined me.  By then, it was more or less, time to go. So much for going to a party "together" as a "couple".  Part of me thinks, time to speak to the Psychologist, that maybe it's time for a medication tweek, the other part of me knows that this is as good as it gets.  That medication will only do so much, and HE needs to tweek himself, and make more conscious efforts to change.  We have come soooooooo very far, I hate to throw in the towel, run and not look back now, but I suppose the reality is, that, "this  is as good as it gets", and I'm having serious doubts if I can do another 25 years this way.  

  • lost!! by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 6 months ago

    Still lost,still confuse,don't know how to go on like this? he is never ever going to change the way he is.

    Today is my DD birthday and she turned 9 year's today,(thank god)may god give her a happy long life.I was very happy to take her out to the play grounds with one of her friends, and they are about the same age,I took them for pizza today and they played in the"pizza play grounds"while I waited for them,they had sooo much fun.

    Well the girl that came to DD birthday outing with us" father"is one of DH child hood friend's,apparently DH has some sort of resentment for this man and feeling's of jealousy.I on the other hand knew about his resentment towards this man, so I had no intentions in letting him know that I took the man's daughter out with my DD and myself to the birthday outing,but,my DD did not know and she told him when he asked her"how was your day"

    He was furious with me that I am associating myself with the man and his daughter,but,that was the same man he rented a spot from for me to relocate my cafe and then I was forced to relocate back the cafe when I found out that the same man's sister was his(virgin girlfriend),,LOL,,Funny story,,,well, that is the past but I felt betrayed that he never mentioned it to me and then after the relocation of the cafe he chose to do so..After some what 6 months and they were not around they happened to drop by today to have breakfast at my cafe and DD saw the sweet little girl and asked for her to stay over a bit since it was her birthday and I found nothing to be wrong with that.

    Mr man had a problem with that telling me that he don't want me to have nothing to do with that man,he never said the kid too but it was obvious, I find him to be a complete selfish person to put kids between his nasty thinking!! he had no right!! this is (MY) daughter and the man he hate sooo much is a threat to him seeing the man is indeed a very well organized man and dedicated to his kids ,which is a threat to him and he thinks that an affair can come out of that with me and the man.

    I am very monogamous and I would never ever put myself with anyone(just so)I am kind of funny with who I go with in the first place ,and if he really knew me he would know that!!!

    well that he would never know b/c he is soooo distracted all the time and that hurts me so bad to know,well wow!!! hey it's me here the woman that is dying for your love and here you are thinking and thinking and accusing me wrongfully without even knowing it.

    What the hell to do with this man!!!! can't leave,can't stay!!

    lovehurts.

  • New to the forum- ADHD wife here... by: smilingagain 12 years 6 months ago

    I was diagnosed in the fall at 33 years old... I have always known I was different.  I actually have ADHD (combined type) with a side of OCD and anxiety.

    I have been married for 9 years. We have a 3 year old son and another baby due in November.

    I didn't believe my diagnosis at the beginning- even though it was made after 6 months of therapy, family interviews, looking through old report cards, cognitive tests... 

    I am not your 'typical' ADHD-er... I did well in school - getting almost straight As. Once in awhile I would get a B (for me that was a major bomb). I went to the top law school in the country and have worked full time as an attorney (for the past 5 years). I've never had a car accident- other than rear-ending someone once on an icy road. I don't lie. I am good with money. I do almost all the housework and scheduling.

    I have accepted my diagnosis- because I have now researched it enough to see the pieces fit together for me... My symptoms are more impairing in my home realm than at work. 

    My primary problem is controlling my emotions. I am a very intense person and experience highs and lows that cause me tremendous pain, embarrassment, etc... Over the years, I have learned to control my behaviors very well... I feel enraged on the inside- but I rarely rage or lash out, outwardly. I can feel intense sadness and suicidal- but I retreat to my room and cry alone in my bed. I can feel exuberant and manic to the point of jumping around uncontrollably and laughing... well that one I let myself express...

     After I have a mood swing, I feel incredible self-loathing about my inability to control myself and my emotional side. I wish I wasn't so vulnerable to my moods and so sensitive and so irritable... etc... I find it incredibly embarrassing. Especially amongst my colleagues- most of whom are wholly logical and dispassionate.

    Until my diagnosis- I was getting increasingly anxious and depressed about this.  I was on concerta in the fall- which was AWESOME. My anxiety was gone immediately and I had MUCH BETTER control. My therapist surmises that I use so much energy trying to control myself that it has created unbearable anxiety...

    Anyway- I have had to stop my meds as I am pregnant and I am struggling.

    Can anyone relate to this?

    Hi, by the way! *waves* I have read this forum for months and feel like I "know" some of you.

    :)

  • Just a few questions. Please take a look? by: WhiteRabbit13 12 years 6 months ago

    Alright, before I even start, I'm going to tell you that I'm only sixteen. Don't worry, my boyfriend (who has ADHD) is sixteen too. You see we're still in high school. Now, before you tell me that I have no business posting here, I'm not here to act like a child. I truly want to be there for my boyfriend and understand the way his mind works. I hope you don't just respond with 'you guys are too young to have any real feelings for each other'. We've been going out for a little over a year and have never had sex so we're obviously not into the whole "ignorant, hormonal teenager" thing.
     

    Anyway, here is some background on him. He is medicated and has been since he was about four. He is extremely intelligent but his lack of focus interferes with his grades; they range from A's to D's (no failing grades though). Most of the time he is the sweetest, funniest boy in the world. ADHD actually runs in his family through his dad's side and there are signs that his younger brother may have it.
     

    Now for the problems/what I'm curious about.
    1. He has these, I guess you would call them ticks. He has this thing where he shreds wash clothes and plays with the threads and he'll carry wet paper towels around and twist them up. Sometimes he'll get in trouble for making a mess with them so I thought giving him play dough would help. He tried it but it just didn't take to it. Is it normal for someone with ADHD to have this type of compulsion? Or is it just a personality trait?
     

    2. He also has a habit of accidentally 'lying'. It really is an accident when he does it though. Its like, when he tells me something that happened, it completely leaves his head. So he makes up the details that he THINKS happened. Then when he goes back and tells the story again, and he actually REMEMBERS what happened, everything is totally different. The first few times this happened I actually thought he was lying but then I realized what was really happening. Is this common issue?
     

    3. Now, the most important thing. Most of the time he can laugh and joke about having it, but sometimes he just gets so down on himself. Sometimes, he gets in this mindset that he makes mine, his family, and his friends lives miserable because he gets hyper or talks too loud. He thinks everyone hates him or looks down on him for something he's trying his best to control. I try so hard to help him see how untrue all that is but its like he gets stuck in this hideous dark place and I have to fight all the negativity to pull the real him back out. Is there anything I can say or do to, I don;t know, make it easier on him?
     

    Well, that's it I guess. If nothing at all I need is the last question answered the most. I care about him so much and all I want is for him to be happy. I think to be the best girlfriend I could possibly be, I have to do this. I feel like just putting the effort to learn more about ADHD can show him how he is more important than the so called 'problem' he has. Because, honestly, I don't see ADHD as a problem. Not in the way that people usually make it out to be. He is just a normal, loving, teenage boy. He just happens to have trouble paying attention and staying calm. That doesn't make him any less human. I just need a way to show him he is no less amazing than anyone else.
     

    I would love and appreciate any help at all. Thank you. 

  • glimmer of hope? by: amonty1026 12 years 6 months ago
    My husband got his dosage increased and is now taking an extended release pill and it shows. We've been able to have conversations that even if we don't agree, its not a fight. He's also set reminders in his phone to take 15 minutes to just come talk to me. Yesterday he worked two jobs and still made a bee line for me when he got home and gave me a kiss and told me I looked nice. I was making class treats for our daughters kindergarten class and he came and helped me with that without being asked. I also noticed that when we disagree it doesn escalate to world war III. Since starting meds his anger has diminished greatly and he's not as disrespectful which in turn helps my anger. We aren't out of the woods by a long shot but dang if it doesn't feel like there's a light at the end of tunnel! Having others who understand what's happening is helpful too. I'm really glad I found this site. Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and insight!
  • Taking Charge Of Mother's Day by: bilf 12 years 6 months ago

    This is a personal hope, so I'm posting it here.

    Despite what "is" my marriage I'm learning about the reclaiming self part.

    Please don't think it's a downer, no matter how it starts out. It's a personal triumph.

    Historically, in terms of my marriage, this has typically been one of the most emotionally devastating holidays for me.

    Probably the worst, was the year, about three years back, that I was told we we going on a trip to spend a weekend together, directly previously to the holiday. Unfortunately, without my knowledge, that weekend morphed into a fishing trip for my husband. I sat in the room overlooking a beautiful view crying and alone. It culminated in him telling me I didn't need to come when I asked him about the fishing and weren't we going to spend any time together. Well, duh, I wouldn't have had I known. The dangling the carrot of rekindling our relationship was just too must to resist going in the first place.

    This was obviously a torrent of tears as I arrived home. That is, obvious to everyone but my husband.

    At that point he was fishing 2-3 times a week in addition to every weekend. This fishing didn't include me for anyone wondering why I didn't just go along. It was his escape du'jour at the moment and when it did involve me, it was generally a miserable experience. You see, I I do love fishing. I grew up with it. I'd never had my pole swiped away before when I'd landed a good spot, taking my tackle, whatever. I'd never had to listen to the idea that I was, "doing it wrong," or any of the other miserable shit that happened. You see, I love fishing, just not with him. I've never been treated like that by any other man. My father wasn't an extremely patient man, but still, this had never happened.

    So I arrive home crying and go lie down. As I begin to take a nap he bursts in and says, "The kids want to know what we are doing for mother's day." I just started crying harder. 

    He informs me I'm not his mother and so he didn't plan anything. Nevermind I mother our mixed brood blended family. See, this is probably something about expectations, he always did something for me for mother's day while we were dating. Marriage was a terrible, terrible 180, well beyond silly things like a Hallmark holiday.

    One of the kids follows him in, I'm sure expectant of what we're doing as normally Mom makes holidays fun and sees me crying. That was the worst. Even now I think what he did to the children was unforgettable. They were waiting expectantly, not understanding why no preparation had happened. It was truly awful.

    Anyway, on to the good. This will never happen to my children again.

    This year, I shall make makes plans independent of this man I married that I thought would behave like a husband.

    Many state parks are closing in my area. My children love camping. I will make plans to do that with them this weekend.

    I will put outta my head this thing that didn't pan out in any normal sense. This thing called marriage.

    I will resolve to make happy plans, no matter what. Doesn't matter if that happy doesn't include a husband. Truth be told, he probably has plans anyway.

    I'll just ask my Auntie to take my daughter to buy the gift she's been hinting at. 

    Time to buy marshmallows and move on with my life. No matter what the outcome.

    Marshmallows, sign of overcoming the bondage of the belief I will ever have a partnership, a normal marriage, someone who actually loves me back, the things that are normal expectations. 

    I will roast marshmallows and find peace, despite the fact none of that stuff will ever happen here.

     

     

  • Gender matters; and so do our individual traits by: PoisonIvy 12 years 6 months ago

    I am the non-ADD spouse and I am a woman.  Even though I am the non-ADD spouse, I have the following traits:  1) I do not think I am perfect.  2) I do not think that all the problems in my marriage were caused by my ADD husband.  3) I have low self-esteem.  4) I do not enjoy mothering my husband.  

    I also have the following traits:  1) I think it's OK to get angry sometimes.  2) I'm sometimes a bitch.  3) I try to treat people nicely even if they treat me like crud.  4) I would throw myself in front of a train for my children. 5) I feel responsible for every darn thing that goes wrong in my marriage and in my life.  

    I really like this website and I find it very useful to come here and learn about and from other people's experiences.  But I don't like the fact that some people assume that because I'm the non-ADD spouse, I behave in a certain way or that because my husband has ADD, he behaves in certain ways.  Just as we should not define people with ADD by the fact that they have ADD, we should not define spouses, partners, and significant others by the fact that they are in a relationship with a person with ADD.   

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