I was working day and night to pay 95% of the bills. I'd come home and nothing was done. Kids were not fed, homework not done, house not cleaned and forget anything extra like bills being done. 

My job was insanely physical. I would get nose bleeds from the physical exertion and now have many repetitive motion injuries. I tried too hard, pushed it too far and now I am burned out. So much so that I could lay in bed all day and just wait to die. I am sure depression is involved, but I don't feel particularly depressed. I just have zero motivation. 

Due to injuries, I can't sustain the physical job I used to do and my burnout is making it hard to accomplish anything. Being faced with the knowledge that my wife will never be able to be very helpful or reliable pust so much pressure on me. If Christmas cards aren't sent, it's my fault, if the house is a mess, it's my fault. Her entire family and friends never place any blame or responsibility on her. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and just about everything else but no matter how much I do I can't compensate for the black hole she creates. 

How do I get myself back in the game and have the energy to try again?

Are there any other non-ADHD spouses who have found ways to get everything done and not burn out? How do you do it and how do you cope?

I am so glad that I found this forum! I have so much to say so forgive me if this is long. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 7 years ago but should have been diagnosed much earlier in life (elementary school). He has been on medication since then but has not had any type of counseling/therapy. We have been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. He also suffers with components of OCD and there has been suggestions that he may display signs of Asperger's. He was very motivated when we were first together and was able to go to school, have a job; etc. He quit a very good job less than 2 years after we were married and has not been employed since (except 2 jobs that he worked at for about 6 months each and decided to quit). He does have another chronic medical issue that he is being treated for which did contribute to his inability to work. 

His ADHD and OCD issues have become a huge difficulty and I find myself becoming more resentful and angry. I am in the Medical profession so I am aware that individuals with ADHD have brains that are wired differently and that there are biological reasons for some behaviors. I try to keep that in mind when we are having issues but sometimes it feels like he is just being a jerk.  These are some of examples of what I am struggling with:

1) He never finishes any project he starts. I realize that this is part of ADHD but our house has been a construction zone for almost 6 years. He has been trying to refinish the kitchen cabinets for the last 5 years. He decided that he wanted to re-texture the ceiling in our kitchen/breakfast area 4 years ago. He started that project by tearing off the texture on the ceiling and that's where it ended. Been staring at bare sheetrock ever since. 

2) He is so OCD when it comes to doing things and he is not happy if there is one tiny flaw in his work. I have wanted to paint our bedroom for the last few years. He doesn't want me to paint because at "some point" he wants to replace all the sheetrock, redo the electrical wiring, and possibly remodel the layout our bedroom/bathroom. Because he wants to do all this, he says that it doesn't make sense to paint the walls if they are just going to get torn down at "some point". I don't even know where the logic lies in that one. 

3) I never understood what "hyperfocus" was until I started reading this forum. He goes from one hyperfocus to the next. He goes from cars, guitars, cameras, computers, remodeling projects, etc. He will talk for hours/days/weeks about one subject and give me every minute detail about that particular topic. He can remember a conversation that we had 13 years ago and expects me to remember exactly the way he does. He said that he started making himself remember every detail of a conversation when he was a teenager because his parents thought he was lying about everything and he wanted to keep mental notes. I have explained to him that my brain does not work that way and it is not fair for him to expect me to be able to do the same. I start to tune him out and not pay attention to the conversation because I get to the point of information overload. That just gets him pissed off and he accuses me on not caring about what he is talking about. He then gets on the kick of wanting me to repeat everything that he says back to him to make sure that I "understand" what he just said. That can be very tiring and annoying. I am really trying to be present and engaged in our conversations but it is a work in progress.

4) He honestly makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. If I don't understand what he is trying to tell me or they way he is explaining it does not make sense, he will make comments about how I am not smart or just don't understand the subject. I am an intelligent person and would never have been able to survive in my career if I was an idiot. My job is extremely intense, demands a complex/detailed knowledge base, and is many times emotionally exhausting. 

5) He constantly over-analyzes my facial expressions, tone of speech, or our conversation. He is always asking why I made a certain face at him (this is usually when I am squinting because I can't see) or tells me that I am being short with him (this is usually when I have had a sh***y day at work and dealt with someone dying). It is perfectly acceptable for him to have a bad day, be grumpy, get pissed off, get overwhelmed but God forbid if I ever display those emotions. Phone conversations are sometimes very painful because he wants to go into such detail about a certain subject and I often don't have the time to talk because I'm at work. He gets upset that I don't have time to talk to him but I nicely (sometimes not so nicely) try explaining that I am at work and will call him back when I get a few moments. 

6) He has spent years of impulse buying and then lying about it. Our house if full of "stuff" he has bought and stashed away. When I ask him if something is new, he always says "No, I've had it a few years" and tells me that I've never noticed that item. He will also claim that we talked about the purchase he was going to make and that I just forgot about it. (Uhm, no. I think I would have remember if we had a discussion about buying a $300 guitar). He tells me that I am the one that is bad with money and I don't know how to budget. My response is usually that it's hard to budget money that we don't have since he has a bad habit of buying things that are costly and that money was suppose to go for bills. I will say that he has gotten better about it but we are still out tens of thousands of dollars because of it.

7) He is constantly losing or misplacing things. I will typically get multiple phone calls when I am at work because he can't find something. I have had to leave work on several occasions because he is having such a meltdown about not being able to find something that I'm afraid of what things will be like when I get home.  

I am really trying to separate the ADHD behaviors and non-ADHD behaviors. I realize he didn't chose to have ADHD. I also realize that he has the choice on how he can deal with his ADHD. I have spent many years allowing his happiness/unhappiness to be directly linked to my happiness/unhappiness (I am assuming this is probably a co-dependent behavior). I have spent the majority of our marriage being the one that is the sole provider, worrier about money, healthcare, dealing with doctors/medications, picking up all the slack that he can't or won't deal with. A person can only do that for so long.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated.  

My spouse has auditory processing/dyslexia and a learning disability.Which I read is coexisting in (some)cases of ADHD.I have noticed his learning disability when I saw he can't spell "some"words correctly.A simple word like for ex:"double",he has the thinking and the auditory processing all wrong,he would hear a commercial on TV for example and make it out to be different,he has been doing this with even me.If I were to tell him something like"hey please don't do that again"and in a soft tone,he would tell me that I was being nasty and that I have no right telling him that.Then we would start to fight over his misinterpretation with me.

This is dangerous,this could be controlled but I clearly don't know how? he has this problem since I know him and it is getting worse.He would have these wrong auditory processing"ALL THE TIME" I could be at my home or at work and he would walk in on me looking all mad for no reason like he saw something that was wrong and truthfully "nothing"is going on just the same routine almost everyday.He would see me doing something now and then he would not process it at that moment,but,then he would go home and process it differently.Like my work attired for that matter,everyday he would see me in the same work outfit,then 2 to 3 months will pass then suddenly my outfit is too tight,or my make up is to heavy.

scary.

has anyone experience this?

lovehurts.

My ADD guy and I have both been very busy with work these past few months... but recently as my schedule cooled down a little, my husband and I still spend very little time together (as in, in the house at the same time).  His work is less demanding now, too, but he's filled up every available hour with hobbies and activities and other people that take him out of the house or require him to spend hours on the computer fulfilling some promise he made to somebody. 

I have for years had to work one night a week, always the same night, always 3 or 4 weeks a month.  For years.  Yet I've just noticed that my husband never schedules any of his leisure time activities for that night I'm gone.  He always stays home that night.  The last three weeks I've been gone one evening, and he's been gone the next three nights.  Last night, I said it's a bummer that when I'm working you're home, but when I'm home you're gone, and we have to work on our timing.  He said Yeah, I miss you too.  But I can't do stuff the night you're gone cause then I wouldn't ever have a night to myself. "

This took just a little more than the split second to hurt than his blurts usually do.  But I thought I heard him say that he preferred, if he was busy and only got one evening at home in a week, to have it be the night I am gone.  I asked for confirmation of this.  He said, "Yeah, but if I get that night out of the way (referring to his evening home alone) that gives me more time to spend with you."  (!?!?!??!)  I asked how so?  And he said "well, I know you're going to be home all the other nights, so if something gets canceled, there you are!"

Am I crazy?  He was smiling like we were having a nice, fun, conversation, like he really believed his scheduling was good for us!  I think he really believes he misses me.  I think he probably doesn't realize how much is committing to because he says yes to things one at a time, and never adds them up.  I get that it's important to have some "alone" time.  I guess I just wish it would come out of his everybody/everywhere else time, rather than me.  I asked if he could commit to keeping one night a week free for both of us.  He said "You're not going to try to bring back date night, are you.  Cause that just got to feel like a job."  No, it doesn't have to be date night, I said. It has to be a night you don't commit to giving to someone else.  He said he'd try, but he looked skeptical.  Then he gave me a big hug, and a smile, and ... left for his next appointment.

Am I misunderstanding his intentions?  He seems to think they are honorable.  But I feel like ... crap.  I'm almost tempted to find reasons to be gone as well, but that really doesn't seem constructive, and definitely seems childish.  In addition, HE WOULDN'T NOTICE.  I enjoy my time at home (gardening, for example).  So anyway, I'd like a better interpretation of what he tried to say.