I have been with my partner for around 2.5 years, and we currently live together. When we initially started dating, it was a whirlwind romance... we unofficially moved in together after only a month, we were so in love that we talked about our future constantly, and we officially moved in together about 6 months into our relationship when both of our leases were up. 

I love my partner more than anything. I see what an incredible human being he is, and that he does always have the best intentions. I've never felt so safe in a relationship but also so unsafe because of the ADHD. Covid hit around 4-5 months into our relationship, and like so many others, we have really been put through the wringer from job loss to egg freezing to losing oneself in their work. Our sex life is struggling to put it mildly, which has brought on its own significant issues, mostly for me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for our relationship, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. We have conversations around "change" and how we're going to do better at least once a month, and I'm exhausted from it because nothing ever changes. The intention is there and he'll try for a week, maybe a few weeks, only to have him never follow through on anything. Whether it's therapy, working out, cutting back on work hours, etc. it only lasts for a blip before we're right back to where we started. I've recommended couples therapy, I'm over here reading books about ADHD in relationships (which we promised to read together, but you guessed it, he hasn't even touched the book), and I'm working on bettering myself in hopes that he'll see me getting better and will want to do the same. 

I want this relationship to work, but I don't know what else I can do or how to find sustainable change in our relationship. I'm older than him and am sadly on a bit more of a time crunch when it comes to kids, and I feel like our relationship has completely halted because he's in this slump he can't/won't get himself out of. I've grown angry and resentful that our relationship isn't where I feel like it should be, and that I'm the only one who seems to care about getting us to a good place. 

What do I do?

I've posted a few times here, particularly following my breakup with my non diagnosed ex. In a relationship for 2.5 years, he wanted me to move in, house a mess, he didn't work, lack of empathy Many of the toxic behaviours came out, however like so many he could be very likeable, charming and he loved sex and loved showing me physical attention, though it was increasingly apparent that if something was distracting him I would literally be forgotten. 
I knew he had a crush on one of my friends (who is pretty and has a similar sense of humour to me and my ex, she is engaged and has a toddler, her partner has a very good demanding job and he's great at diy)

We  split in September for 2 weeks as I believed he was focusing too much attention on her during the course of an evening, it was insulting. Looking back I could see she appeared to enjoy the banter/flirting whilst her partner was tending to their little girl more who was being a bit demanding and I was aware my ex and friend had probably about 10 minutes when they were alone walking back to the campsite at night, as I was seething and charged ahead.

Anyway fast forward our proper split in January, and my friends and family have been very good at highlighting all his bad points and how he'll take his problems in to the next relationship he goes to. Apart from this specific friend, very measured and no comment when I expressed concern he'd move on quickly, due to the adhd. 
With social media it's sadly a reality that you'll often look and the only link I had left with my ex a few weeks after my split was WhatsApp. I looked one day and noticed he was online,I was then seeing my friend later so switched to her and noticed she was online too. I did immediately have a funny feeling, and so I asked her if he has ever reached out, she immediately replied no, asked why. I explained he has never made me feel fully secure with regards to other women. She said she would tell me if any partner ever reached out. 
Mind was put at rest for a few weeks, to the point I was going to block him, now I have an anxious attachment type and I thought I'll check WhatsApp to prove I was imagining and reading too much into my ex and friend. Though I saw it again, and I became consumed for 2 weeks looking, and their overlaps were ridiculous, I compared it to over contacts, which maybe has 1 or 2 at most overlaps with the same person but never continually with the same person, my ex and friend has up to 9 a day. Twice when I saw they were online at same time I text her at same time and she immediately went offline. 
I asked to speak to her for a chat, she said it sounded ominous, when we spoke I skirted around the topic just talking about the struggles I'd had with my ex and the breakup, and she said she thought I was going to ask if i was going to ask if she'd been contacting him, that would have made her sad, and she admits it quite upset her (even though all is said was was she free for a chat). The overlap seemed to stop for a day or so then picked up pace again. I couldn't ignore it so I calmly asked her that I was aware of something and so categorically has my ex been contacting her. She said no and said she was on WhatsApp mainly morning and evening (this wasn't what I noticed, mainly afternoon, when she was at work) she said she'd tell me, and that she didn't think she was his type anyway. 
The next day she said she wasn't joining her fiancé and child to go to Portugal for Easter, and was looking forward to a break, I thought that was a bit strange and she also said she'd once had an affair with a married man who she says they used to laugh a lot and he periodically reaches out to her, sounded like she hadn't replied saying leaving me alone I'm engaged and she said her partner wasn't aware, but if he saw the messages he would see she wasn't egging him on. 
That really unsettled me, so I said the WhatsApp similarities I couldn't get my head round, she said immediately I should look at our other friend I said I had and others, and it wasn't in the same level of frequency and in the afternoon. She immediately  said I was mad and that's the end of friendship and that she wasn't even interested in my ex and she was engaged (I noticed she never said she loved her partner, and in recent weeks has said he's her rock and has always been there for her - that's not saying she loves him though, she also hasn't seemed excited that they are looking for a new house). 

I thought the next day I'd look One more time to see if there was any change in their WhatsApp.... 
Absolutely no overlap at all, closest being 20 minutes. Gone from daily multiple  overlaps for 2 weeks , to zilch. 

I've gone from processing a breakup, to now being in turmoil about deceit and lies and my gut instinct and you question so many things about loyalty and a friendship. I get that my ex is a free agent, what do people think? Smells of thrill seeking reckless behaviour.
Surely if something was happening, he'll just revert to the same adhd negative behaviours with her too? 

Hello all. Curious to hear if others have experienced this in some capacity. And if so, what have your done or how have you dealt with it.

My partner has ADHD, diagnosed about 6 years ago whilst in his 40s. We have our ups and downs, but on the whole are still doing okay after 10+ years.

Our difficulty doesn't stem from the forgot/was late/taking responsibility/sharing the load (some we have worked out, some just are). Rather our difficulty stems from medication running out.

A little back story - We were lucky in that he was diagnosed and initially treated in the UK. We had moved to France from the UK, but due to the language barrier at the time when he had his Ah-ha moment we sought diagnosis and treatment in the UK. It was a very long, stressful saga taking 2 years to get the diagnosis and treatment started. Mainly due to costs being EXTREMELY high but also of course the distance. Still we got there in the end, for awhile. Then Brexit and a pandemic ensued and any follow-up in the UK became more mind boggling difficult.

So as brexit loomed, we looked to the French health system. France has only recently recognised that ADHD is not a psychiatric issue solely. It has also only very very recently recognised ADHD in adults. Only since September of 2021 has medication for adults been able to be prescribed by a local doctor/GP, after a psychiatric evaluation (before that it was hospitals only). And there is only one medication available for adults with ADHD, Ritalin, which is limited in type and quantity and requires a doctors visit each month to check the blood pressure before renewing.

Because of the limitations, the dosage is not quite right. But because of the legal limitations, we can't change anything. There is no next step, that I can find, in France. So he runs out between 3 and 7 days prior to his next like clock-work appointment. So each month we both have the 'joy' (not) of his coming down off his meds going into a depression, getting angry and frustrated as he loses days/a week of being able to work. (He is an author in the midst of his 2nd book.)

As you can probably tell simply from my writing my first post here, we are in the non-medication available week. This up and down, with without, is taking its toll on both of us. I am trying to figure out an additional solution, but in the meantime have to contend with the silence, the anger, the stress and sheer frustration on both sides.

Has any else experienced issues with getting medications regularly and/or on time? And how did/do you deal with the side effects?
 

I'm a happily married adult ADDer who went undiagnosed until I was 46 years old, some 15 years into my second marriage. That was 15 years ago and the memory of how that positive diagnosis felt is still vivid. Relief?  No. Not even close. Joy? Sorry, No. Disappointment? Well. We're getting warm now. I had suspected that ADD might have been behind the struggles with procrastination and time management that had plagued me since my childhood, but I had always entertained the hope that someday I would be able to find a way to not be that way. That hope evaporated the day my diagnosis came in. It was my fault all along. I was a misfire. There would be no ways around it for me to discover. I was looking to that diagnosis to free me but instead it broke my heart. But that was then, this is now. I'm still a miswire, and as powerful as a well-regulated diet of Concerta with an anti-anxiety chaser can be, it still has no effect whatsoever on my inability to feel time moving around me, but the disappointment has finally faded. 

Oh yeah (squirrel!!)-- did I mention that I was happily married? Well, I am and when my lights finally came back on, she was still here. We all know how difficult we can make things for people we really care about. I did my best, and in the beginning she had a really hard time understanding how this guy she loved so much could be such an ass, and was not shy about sharing her feelings. But apparently she was so sure that she was right in choosing me over all the other guys who were in orbit around her, instead of bailing she started reading, and one day I came home to her sitting in the middle of a pile of paperbacks and magazines. She looked up at me and said: "I owe you such an apology-- you really are this way, aren't you?". I sat down with her and we started talking and haven't gotten close to stopping yet. But golly, Robert, that's all well and good, but is there a point to be shared here? Well, Yes there is. I kind of skipped over the part where we each had to step off of the bridge railing and let the bungee cord do its job, and that was really the most important part. A relationship with a card-carrying adult ADDer is hard work for both parties, but it will be the best ride you ever took as long as you both figure out how to respect and trust each other as deeply as you respect and trust the bungee cord.

Wow. I feel 40 pounds lighter now. Thanks for listening!

Robert