Hi, I have been married with my husband for 12 yrs who has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD since he was 5 years old. We also have a daughter that's also been diagnosed with ADD. For some reason, as he get older, everytime I ask him to do things for me like simple chores: taking the trash out or doing the dishes. He always forgets it. For some reason he always w8 till I'm about to blow up until he does something. When he does finally do it he acts like a child that just got in trouble. Now everything just sets him off. If my daughter was wanting to spend time with me and he's tired he wants me to come with him and spend it with him. Even though when I am not tired. It just feels like he thinks ir feels like he's in competition with our daughter. He had a freak out because I told his mom that he doesn't want me to tell her he doesn't want us talking so much. He blew up and even punch our bathroom wall. I'm just confuse and frustrated. I want the man that I fell in love. The loving man and understanding man. Now everything seems to always revolving around him and I feel like our daughter is getting left out. She also need a dad that she deserve.  If you guys can help a way to be able to communicate with him without him blowing up I appreciate. Thank you. 

My 2.5 year relationship with undiagnosed adhd partner ended last week.So many issues discussed on this forum were experienced, lack of employment, lack of focus on most things unless it was fun ideally playing cricket/cycling/rugby, attention seeking aka flirting, l ask of empathy most of the time.
Yet he could be a highly likeable guy who wanted me to move in, I wanted to be with him but there was no compromise no clarity given on financial status extremely tight at times with no interest in home maintenance/decor yet found money for a lads only ski holiday, mum with dementia giving him money monthly. I think he thought me renting out my house would allow him extra cash and further take the pressure off him to work. 
But I digress it's the same sad old story many of us have had. What I want to know is since the breakup, there is no emotion involved at all for him, not cold but almost like I mean nothing. Is this how they operate?

It saddens me, but I'm suspecting he would be the type that would move on immediately, whilst I consider myself highly empathetic and have reflected a lot on my behaviour, there doesn't seem any of that with him. 

I will start by saying I have ADHD, and I a married to a.man who also has ADHD. I am the one who takes on the role of the non-adhd spouse. We have 1 child together. He was diagnosed in childhood but didn't want to stay on meds. He has been on meds.for about a year now.   I was diagnosed in adolescence, stayed on meds for the last 16 years and don't feel as though I have any major struggles with functioning in my day to day life. I am not perfect.  I hate cleaning, and often don't acknowledge or notice messes as they accumulate. This is a frequent point of criticism from my spouse, but as I take on every other area of our lives I feel like I overcompensate for this flaw. I manage the finances, i cook every meal we eat, I am the primary caregiver for our child, I work full time and am the primary breadwinner, I manage all schedule and am responsible for all the planning of everything we do as a family. I am a planner that is how I manage my life. I am prone to distraction, I love to read and frequently get lost in a book - a trait I've only returned to in the last couple years. I am married to someone that I regularly feel hates me. He doesn't have ADHD the same way I do. I fully acknowledge that and realize his strengths lie entirely in different areas than me.  But the past year and a half has been awful. According to him I'm a nag, always harping on him for one thing or another. I'm going to fast forward this post a bit to explain the real issue I'm having, otherwise I feel I will go on forever. I'm not doing this situation justice but for expedience sake I'll get to it. A little over 1 year ago, my husband left me. We started marriage counseling in September 2020 after our problems seemed insurmountable, and December 6th, 2020 while I was making breakfast he just left. The story is long, found out our entire marriage was nothing but lies, he was actively pursuing avenues to cheat on me during the beginning of marriage counseling. He was addicted to pornography for our entire 8 years of being together and that's why he never bothered to have sex with me more than twice a year (despite lies to the contrary). He was actively searching for hookups/dating prospects on dating sites during our first weeks of marriage counseling - while telling me he wants to work on it. He badmouthed me to his friends - of same and opposite sex, he'd frequently go to confide in his opposite sex friends to tell boldface lies about me. We had 1 moment of true honesty in October when he came clean to me about his pornography use, constant lying, etc. He had a traumatic childhood - I won't go there. Ultimately that was his coming mechanism. When. He left in December he said he felt he was being attacked in therapy, refused to go anymore. Felt I was a vindictive wife who was unwilling to help him when he was miserable - he racked up 8k in debt on a secret credit card and I expected him to pay it - even though it meant he couldn't afford cigarettes etc. He felt I just didn't care if he suffered. I wanted my marriage to work and accepted his perceptions. That I wasn't doing all I could as a wife, I was a bad nag of a wife with unreasonable unattainable expectations. I expected of him what I expected of myself but that was wrong.  Anyway despite the words that loved me, missed me, wanted it to work out for us - even when he came home he continued to meet up with/talk to  a woman he lied to me about and of course I found out - after all I'm a psychotic control freak that only cares about controlling him. I spoke to her, she was never interested in him like that, but it was his attempts to engage her in that type of relationship that hurt so much. I don't know if I've just ignored it up until this point, believing that my inadequacies drove him to it, etc. But I have tried everything in the past year to make it work outside of a legimate counselor because th counselor made him feel attacked. I have read any book I could find. Attempted with great effort to apply the principles in my marriage. I feel like I have tried to change everything about my very self - all to no avail. I;ve tried EFT, not allowing myself to show my anger, being receptive to his criticism, allowing myself and feelings to be ignored after any and every attempt to convey how I am feeling. After his most recent emotional abuse/abandonment episode this past weekend where he screamed in my face that he would fuck me up if I ever spoke bad to our kid about him again ( which I did not do, apparently she told him he was a liar and mommy didn't like liars after I reprimanded her for lying to me about something she did that afternoon) and he proceeded to tell he was done with me, storm off and leave without talking any further than screaming that at me, and blocked my number and decided he was divorced now on Facebook. (I say abuse because it is. I know he has ADHD but that does not excuse his frequent disregard for my pleas to stop his emotional outbursts toward me. He just tells me I'm too sensitive when I say I can't be spoken to with so much disdain every time we attempt to talk about any issue. I just can't handle what I deserve according to him.)

He then decided he wanted to talk to me the day after.  In which he found out I never said what I accused of because our daughter told him. I'm not to be believed but a  4 year old apparently is. Now he is sorry. He overreacted. And I am suddenly stuck on 1 year ago. On my attempt to come to terms with getting a divorce after my lastest shunning after all attempts I have ever made to be heard I revisited my feelings from last year. My feelings that I guess I just threw under the bridge in an attempt to save my marriage. Of him actively pursuing a specific woman. Telling me he wanted to work out our issues while telling her she's beautiful etc. One set of their messages sticks out to me. Telling me he is so in love with me -days after coming home telling me he's committed to me etc and telling  her just an hour or so later 'good morning gorgeous'. It's probably my ADHD that is so hyper focused on that now but - it's there. I can't get it to go.away now. It's there and i am not dealing with it well.  I don't understand how -if he loved me as he says he does - could he do that. 

I think what really bothers me is that in my heart I know that if she would have been receptive to his advances and not friend zoned him from the get go, he wouldn't have 'chosen' me. He would have picked any woman that would give him any sort of attention over me. And I am afraid he still will. He's just waiting for a better option to come along.

I need help and I do not know where to turn. I am at the point where I have become resentful of my spouse and my resentment builds inside with frustration and then comes out in unhelfpul ways. And I acknowledge that this is one of the pieces of the puzzle. But I need help beyond that. My partner and I have been married for 7 years, and we have a 5 year old son. We were living abroad while I did my phd and returned home recently and my wife resumed her medical work while I transitioned into work too. My biggest challenges as a partner are two-fold: i feel like my needs are not recognized in the relationship. Along with my not having done a great job communicating them, this neglect comes from my partner. The second is that my wife is not consistent in helping our family into structured routines and attending to our child. While she is a loving mother, she is not consistent, and I constantly feel like I have to be the attentative consistent partner, while my wife is checked out. I had an outburst about this a while ago in the car, while my wife was on the phone and my son kept saying that he had to pee and that it was coming out. Granted my wife was checking something with a family friend about my other's illness and checking on a test to get done for my ill mother. When I burst out with the idea that our son needs his mom, she got angry and said i made a big deal and said our son could be a little in his pants it's not a catastrophe and we could deal with it later. I get that. It's not a catastrophe. But I feel like I am constantly the parent who is making sure that our son is well fed, that he goes to the bathroom on time especially if we have to go somewhere without a bathroom, or that we are packing food him, while my wife is doing more important things, more sexy things I call them. She accused me of being forced to neglect our child because she was helping my mother and tending to her, and while I appreciate that, that's not what is going on. Last night she was on the phone with friends abroad at 10 on a video call for half an hour while my son was on the phone, all when it was time to sleep. And then our son went to sleep late, and of course waking up was difficult. And then there''s always another plan to make, someone who needs help. She wanted to check up on another family friend for five minutes today when we were coming back home in the evening after a long day. There's just always something more to distract her. Miultiple text message conversations. We have to do this we have to do that. And as sokmeone who grew up with a neglectful mother, it hurts me deep, what feels like neglect of our child, and what feels like neglect of me, because after three weeks at home with our son while he was on vacation from school, I told her I am done and tired, and when she comes back home i need time to myself to relax, to take care of myself, to do my own stuff. But then there's a thousand things that come up when she's back and my needs are forgotten. We have to go meet X. Y is sick we have to check up on them. And it feels like I am being strung along playing catching up, attending to our son, trying to make sure he doesn't spend too much time on the phone. Because she doesn't have the patience, and now the energy after work to play, my son's time with her is often time on the phone, except in bed at night when she is talking to him. And she accused me of being old fashion and being bothered now that she is working, and that's not it either. I need her to be present to us once she is back home. Not on her phone. Not in some other place, with a thousand other plans people to talk to things to do, no matter how important they may seem to her. At this point I'm not even talking about the drawers left open, the piles of clothes strewn in the corner of hte room, the shoes that are left where they are dropped, the messy car. All that I can let go, But our son needs her to do better, and he deserves better, and I feel like I am getting exhausted being the available parent, and I don't have that much of an available parent in me to do this day after day. I need time to work, I need time to rest, and of course I am frustrated. Our son suffers, and I suffer too. I have refused to have a secnd child till now, because we had ours in difficult circumstances the first time around, and after seeing our life the past two three years, I can just imagine how hard it would be to parent a second child with her. She says she wants one. Everytime she brings it up I wanna scream I cant have another one with you, I'm a good father with this one with great difficulty, and I'm depleting my admittedly limited emotional mental physical energy doing right this one and making up for your mental absence, I dont have more to give to a second one. There's just too much impulsiveness, too much distraction, too much going on, and all that is overwhelming for me, as someone who needs order and structure and consistency, and I understand my limitations there too because of my needs, but it feels like we are running trains going in opposite directions right now. And then yesterday she had a suddent burst of energy about things she wanted us to do. She wanted to be more involved, she wanted our son to eat without the telly, she wanted him to say hello to whoever we met, etc etc. Like anyone can have a revolution in all these routines after a half hour declaration of intent. And today we are back to the standard chaos. And when i say it feels like chaos and it's a mess and she is absent and all over the place, she says give me the proof, and if i give proof, then it's all important things she is doing, and we are stuck nowehere in the conversation. She was diagnosed with adult adhd like 6 months ago and was put on non-stimulant meds cuz those were the only ones that worked on her. But i feel like i'm at the end of my energy and patience, and things haven't gotten a whole lot better, and there isn't acknolwedgement of how she is, what challenges it raises for us, a commitment to do better o nher part, greater empathy for my needs. And i have no one to talk to about this - no one who understands. Am i experiencing something real and legitimate even? Or am i being crazy and unreasonable, the bad partner, the one who fails to communicate their needs, the one who is not understanding and appreciative??? I'm tired