Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Inattentive ADHD. Consequences for Their Actions That Harm Others. by: ADHDWE 2 years 9 months ago

    Hello ADHD Marriage.  I really hope you allow this to post.  I'm in a great deal of emotional pain.  I need others to know what it's like being a non ADHD.  I'm not blaming.  I know I have work to do.  Yet, I am experiencing some hard times.

    I have a friend and business partner who has ADHD.  I've known him for 23 years.  We are in business together and we cannot separate the business for financial reasons. 

    Rare is it for psychologists to examine the complexity of how the non ADHD is left cleaning up after the ADHD partner's mistakes, literally and figuratively.  Put aside the oft ADHD's instigating behavior, the blaming, the denial of doing something that causes themselves or others damage.  The books I've read will tell the non ADHD persons not to enable those with ADHD, not to fix their mistakes, to be patient, calm, encouraging, yet the inattentive type ADHD that will not change is, well, not going to change. 

    1.  My business partner and friend, aka BPF, eats my food from refrigerator, stove, counter, pantry.  I've asked him to stop many times. I've worked with him ad nauseam with notes, agreements, counseling, kudos; he is 68 years old.  He still does it and offers defensive excuses each time, projects and I go from victim to him crying victim. Nuff said. 

    Here's my NEW proven tactic THAT WORKS with him and my food.  Last week he ate my food, a half of a pot of cooked white rice on stove intended for my sick dog. I calmly announced to him that if he did that again, as much as I DO NOT want to, that I would mirror his food behavior back him, so that he could feel what I feel.   I told him that I did NOT want to resort to this tactic, but that I thought I had better be honest with him to let him know what was on my mind and that I'm at the end of my rope with him eating my food.  I told him this is the best I can do, considering all other tactics have failed.  

    Well...

    Sure as the sun rises, he did it again a week later. So rather than get upset, I was finally able to mirror his behavior and it felt great!  I emptied a gallon of his milk down the drain. I told him about it.  He became angry at me.  (this was a safe calculated risk by the way.  I wouldn't try this with someone unstable).   He was upset, and I reminded him of my warning.  I simply told him that "when you mess with my food, then I will mess with yours."   Yes.  He was mad at me for awhile.  Though it was a powerful turning point.  I have begun mirroring him on incorrigible behavior and its working to his inconvenience, and to my resolution, to a point where is is now REMEMBERING to NOT eat my food, hence the consequence.

    Folks, this is but a small condolence to me.  Compared to the other major oil spills I still clean up after him on a weekly basis.  Come on and give us non ADHD persons a little love.  It's not all- ways about the one with ADHD.  For me and my BPF, its like living with a bull in a china shop. He has his good sides, though, I'm really trying to cope too.  If I seem angry and bitter, its because I am! 23 years of fixing his mistakes.  This is akin a student driver in a car and the teacher having to grab the steering wheel of the car to prevent the student from driving in to a tree.  We non ADHD's cannot always stand back to let ADHD inattentive's wreck the car.  It's just NOT that easy.

     

    2.  BPF dumped a bowl of un-popped corn kernels in the dishwasher.  I did not enable him, but asked him to clean them out of the dishwasher cavity.  He did.  He then squirted Dawn dishwasher soap in the dishwasher to scrub it. Then he ran it. Then the dishwasher suds all over the kitchen floor.  Then he cleaned that up.  But with inattentive ADHD, they NEVER really clean it up.  About everything he does in the physical world is inattentive, and so that means very little attention to detail.  Sticky soap suds were all over the floor, the cavity had to be flushed by me, because he argues it was "fine".  To some inattentive ADHD standards, a tornado ravaged town swept with a push broom is "fine".  Try to laugh here, please?

    3.  Yet another time, he drained the transmission fluid from the company truck. Then he drove  the truck down hill and back up until the transmission seized because he did not fully replace the transmission fluid. 

    4.  Yet another time, he backed into a car in the parking lot.  Video has him on camera getting out to look at the damage to the other car and his.  Then he gets back into his car and drives away and does not report it.  A month later the damaged party's insurance company and local police call him about a hit and run.  You see a witness took video and pictures of my BPF's truck and face driving away!!!   Ah ha!  This explains why he was using Bondo and spray paint on the truck tailgate and side quarter panel.  Both the transmission and the hit and run cost him $7,600.  To the day before he saw the video, he denied hitting a car.  Then we showed him the video.  He became enraged and blamed everyone for over reacting.

    As bad as I sound advocating for calculated consequences to ADHD inattentive, for me its the only thing that works to get my BPF to sit up straight and gets me out of being victimized again and again.  

    As for the accident, it goes on his record and he now has to pay the increase in our insurance.  He had to pay for the seized transmission.  He's not allowed to work on the truck any longer.  I had my reservations about letting him work on the truck.  But I followed the psychologists advice and I was told NOT to enable or rescue him and to let him learn and do things on his own.  Hmmm.  Me thinks the psychologists are not in the thick of it to understand the advice that is given. 

    The professionals can give all the advice they want.  It's not until they actually live with the person that has inattentive ADHD for three to six months that they will TRULY GET THE BIG PICTURE.

     

  • Marriage issues. by: Ro7777 2 years 9 months ago

    So I don’t really know where to start but I just need some advice please- 

     

    So currently partially broke up with husband- he’s at his mums & im at home with the kids. So bit of back story- we’ve been together nearly 10 years, he had ADHD diagnosed but decided he doesn’t want meds but has smoked weed all his life (has cut down from all day everyday to 1 on a night but now it’s more like 2/3 a day from later afternoon- he’s tried numerous times to fully stop but can’t and says it’s his release and coping mechanism). We’ve had a turbulent marriage to say the least- no cheating but he has not always put me first in the sense of- chatting to younger women in the local shop then adding them on social media knowing full well they fancy the pants off him, following explicit pages or more directly girls on Instagram that I find disrespectful, had a small (short amount of time) cocaine addiction which I had a feeling about but everyday when I questioned him has he taken it he made out I was a psychopath & not at all- eventually a few weeks down the line he got caught out  and had to confess- was obvs never gonna tell me. I haven’t been innocent- I’ve had my own depression & anxiety due to previous relationship my ex left me for his boss & then both my parents died (4 years apart) whilst I was with husband but before I was 30- in now 32. So yeah traumatised me tbh. Husband has never held down a longterm job and had quite often just walked out of said jobs & left us in the shit financially so we’ve never been able to save or get in front because finance are always so short- I’ve also failed and not got a back up career- went to uni as an adult but I’ve never done anything with it as I’ve always just had small low income jobs and been there for kids as he tends to work away with his work and we live in an area with no family and few friends etc no added childcare which actually we wouldn’t have if we lived at ‘home’ anyway because the last living grandparent pays no interest in said grandchild or me. So we’ve separated a few times (this is the 3rd) and every time he goes back home, opens up to his mum who then informs the whole family about how awful I am & then they hate me & I spend the next year trying to get them to like me. So me & my ways- so I’m not innocent- never cheated on him, I don’t have a a great income but I always contribute what I can- I don’t really drink or take drugs etc but I have most definitely emotional abused him at times- called him a waste of space & said he doesn’t provide because if I’m honest at times he doesn’t- well actually most of the time he doesn’t because he has weeks off work, days off work when he wants (sometimes cba with work on a Monday), I think there’s just lots of resentment towards him tbh- he says he goes into these spirals because of me and I’m just not sure tbh- my head is mashed & I question my own sanity tbh. 

     

    So moving on….This break has basically spiralled- it’s a mess. Over December he worked less (his boss is a bit of jerk-like if he needs a Friday off he makes him take the whole week off self employed so loses a weeks wage when all he needed was one day) so anyway throughout December a he’s lost a lot of money, had no back up finances so I’ve used my savings to keep the house running, Christmas etc for the kids, his family, him & bought my own presents he didn’t buy one single thing but still managed to buy weed or tick it with the money he had- this obviously upset me- I said even if it had been a small jar with something thoughtful/homemade it would have been nice but tbh he just doesn’t think like that- he doesn’t do romantic things, organise dates, book nights away etc nothing at all that’s all me- I am the organiser- he doesn’t even sort his own bills etc and if left to do so they are paid late etc. and I think because he hasn’t had the money he’s gone into self loathe mode- the lack of routine etc and I tried to be nice at first & be like look I’ve sorted everything but he was just cold & miserable & it’s ground me down tbh- he was sleeping in all the time, moping around the house, being generally miserable & down even though he actually had a readymade sorted Christmas cos I’ve done everything- he helped wrap a new presents, and joined in the festive fun- so to name a few- I paid & booked a weekend away, we had a Santa visit in a steam train, saw Santa at the garden centre & then went back home to a caravan holiday with hottub over Christmas all paid for by me because he’d had time off work- so it’s important to note one of the weeks he had off was for a course which he passed to better himself at work- this is the second time he’s done it as failed the first one (it’s not an easy course) so that’s a week off unpaid too then they gave him no work the week after as there wasn’t any. Anyway the moping because too much along with the sleeping in & the tit for tatting at each other and then one big shouting match & he packed his bag & walked out & went to his mums which is where he’s been since last Monday. Part of the week he’s been working away (from weds) but then had chose to go back to his mums instead of coming home this weekend- it’s a been a messy weekend- so he had early finish Friday & I just had in my head that he’d come home as he was telling me he had minimal to do at work etc but he had txt to say he’d come home Saturday- anyway spoke to him Friday & his brother was there (so now mum knows, brother knows too) I said how ‘oh I thought you were gonna surprise me and come home’ obvs he wasn’t and this is my fault for thinking it. The more the night went on the more upset I got that he had an early finish but chose to not come home & sent a message saying I wasnt ready for him to come home Saturday but it was a long message that basically explained that actually I push you away because you always walk out & leave but reality is I just want you home- so Saturday comes & he doesn’t come home because out of all the giant message I sent he only read the words that I wasn’t ready for him to come home. Again my own doing. He never replied to the message on Friday to question it etc. so Saturday we bicker backwards & forwards but then Saturday night i FT him (important to note he only ever rings or txts me if it’s about the kids- he would never ask to come home or say he misses me etc- in fact he’s admitted he doesn’t miss me- yet) we speak & I cry lots but we’re open & get on- I then message & say will you come see me tomorrow please- he say it will confuse the kids as they think I’m working away- I say they won’t be confused cos they’ll think you’ve finished work early- he then says he’s no money for petrol- I say I’ll pay- he then says that he’s not ready & made plans with his mum- so I say we’ll id just really appreciate the comfort tbh & don’t want to go 2 weeks without seeing him but now I feel like he’s making excuses & im giving solutions but still he doesn’t want to come home- in the end he just said he won’t be coming home until next Friday & that I need to suck it up as he’s not budging on it. I just cried myself to sleep & have woken up wondering what I should do- it’s also important to note that every time this is the cycle- he walks out, I beg him back & he then decides when he wants to come back but it’s never when I ask- always when he’s ready etc. I’ve tried to explain to him this last week and next week he’s gone to his mums so he has the space to analyse everything- mum cooks & washes for him- he has no responsibilities apart from working whereas I still have to function daily with the kids/house/bills/ normal life etc whilst not actually opening up to anyone because I cba explaining all this mess to someone so I’m just doing it all alone. Also like to add youngest child has SEN so life is never easy with him- doesn’t sleep well, gets up early, can’t be left alone, poo smears etc so actually for me the weekend is so important cos I battle this on my own all week so having extra hands on a weekend is what I live for tbh so to find out he won’t be home has really upset me as you can imagine- I did explain this to husband & said you know the excitement we all have for Daddy coming home is massive & we all buzz off it. All he can say is that I have made him feel sad, depressed, unloved, unworthy etc but says due to ADHD he can’t pinpoint what I’ve done as he doesn’t keep a list. I know that maybe I have- I have said things that aren’t nice but he has also done things that aren’t nice- that make me feel insecure & unwanted etc but I don’t hold a lifetime grudge against him. 

     

    When we are good we are amazing- great team, happy, have the best laughs, when my parents died he was there for me- sorting the kids out & having them whenever etc cuddled me & stayed up with me whilst I cried etc albeit the cocaine incident was at the same time as one parent dying and he says it was because he was a mess too and knew he couldn’t put on me because I was grieving. 

     

    I know this is huge- I’m sorry & thank you if you’ve read to the end- I am happy to elaborate more if needed. I just want to fix my marriage- I want to be happy & be a family. Please help. Why won’t my husband just come home & support me? 

     

    Thank you.

  • Why do they do this? by: zmc1987 2 years 9 months ago

    Brother-In-Law has ASD and probably ADHD too based on behavior. 

    We have often clashed over his argumentative nature, particularly about politics on social media where he thinks that the world can be saved by aggressively berating people with his views. 

    The real souring point was when I discovered that he had been texting my wife outside of social media about what an idiot I was for not conceding his correctness in one of said arguments. I told my wife that was bizarre and a profound overstepping of boundaries on so many levels (she was sick of it too) and she told him to stop. Thankfully he has respected that boundary. 

    We have twins who are not even 2 yet, and last night, my wife was describing that our daughter likes to engage in play often by stacking like things. She is, as of now, perfectly on track as far as developmental milestones. His response to the stacking play was "That sounds like an ASD behavior."

    He has an MS in counseling - no job in his field in almost 2 years since graduation because he wants the perfect job without having to cut the cord and move away from his support system - with some work with an autism center. Nowhere near the expertise to actually diagnose others. 

    This isn't the first time he has "diagnosed" people (i.e. projected his diagnoses on to others) and he's not the only ASD/ADHD person that I have encountered who loves to do it. 

    Is this a belonging thing? Like "I can normalize and advocate for my condition by finding as many people like me as possible?" I find it obnoxious and bizarre.

  • Non ADHD Husband vs ADHD Wife by: ConstantStruggle 2 years 10 months ago

    Hello all. Wish i had found this site sooner. Even if, i am not sure it would have made a difference. This does seem therapeutic putting into words my struggles with my wife. About my wife... Genuinely a giving, hard working, quirky, sometimes loving, child like woman whom "in the beginning" i was madly in love with. Me, i am the Epmath, the Savior, the do everything to avoid the inevitable EXPLOSIVE, MANIC episodes that have become more and more frequent over time. My wife and i are both 56... Same generation, Same music, Same TV shows, We "click".. Both previously married to "cheating" spouses.. (Her X husband w her friend and next door neighbor, My X wife with younger man during one of my Deployments to Afghanistan) Yes, i am Military, ARMY, 34 yrs... Regimented, Focused, Reliable, almost robotic. I was good for her (her words) in the beginning. I helped her FOCUS and educated myself regarding her ADHD. We dated for approx 9 yrs (off/on roller coaster) We married in 2017, so 4 years into this and i have recently filed for Divorce (its sad) but i am at a point ot where i can no longer help her as she is unwilling to acknowledge and get help for herself. She is often times Angry, i mean, uncontrollable to where she is breaking s*** in our home. Tantrums, almost child like for the smallest things. Getting confrontational with complete strangers at stores ( and bragging about it). She is a professional at work, meaning same industry (Commercial Insurance) for 30 yrs!! Recent promotion, 12% increase in pay, more responsibilities, stress level has PEAKED.. No children between us. All of ours are grown. She has always been very good to my kids and i hers ( all are now adults). I recently brought up, inquired as to whether or not she had discussed with her doc ( whom she speaks with monthly for her Adderall) about her more frequent MANIC episodes.. This sent her into a rage, along with her not being able to find her bra, panties,.. Hair scrungie, or shoes and she tore through the house like a mad woman... Leaving a path of clothes from her drawer throughout bedroom. Cursing, Yelling, walking around the house like Chicken little and the world is ending as i calmly find all of the above mentioned items for her and instead of saying thanks babe ( as she used to do) it is WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME SOONER ASSHOLE! In a sense, i have created that.... As she relies on me for everything. She leaves her work computer in car, i retrieve it and charge for the night.. I wake her up every morning at 0730 and finally after a few times (every 15min) she is up by 0830.. I log her into her computer for work... I clean up daily, change toilet paper rolls, pay bills, take out trash, shop for groceries, take care of dinner, oh and i also have a FT job other than my retirement from Military (Regional Sales for Radiology company).. She resents that i often work from home and she runs a team of adjusters whom she often has to do their jobs on top of hers. she is a hard worker, no doubt... We do very well... But, i am unappreciated... Her grandkids, i treat as my own... She sees them often along with her adult kids.. All of my kids... Military... I get to see them every now and again.. and when i do... There is always some sort of drama right before they come to visit...It pisses me off... and has caused my kids not to come around as much...and they have noticed my unhappiness, my withdrawal, my depression. This ADHD thing has taken its toll... Am i rambling...? I have read a lot of posts on this forum that i can truly relate to, a lot of great advice that has reinforced my decision to end this marriage and focus on myself... It is NOT easy... As i know the trauma my wife suffered in her household as a child, adolescent.. Of her former husband who cheated on her, I am on this emotional roller coaster myself because i LOVE her... and CARE for her very much and KNOW that she cannot help these behaviors.. Nor can I... Her kids often tell me "You deserve a medal" for being with our mother... At times she can be the most caring person, She has a hard candy shell on the outside, yet sweet and soft on the inside.. I feel as though she has not been truthful about her DX.. and perhaps she has Bi polar disorder.. Again, i don't judge.. But if i bring anything up i am a CRUEL, TERRIBLE MAN.. I recently told her she was acting like her Schizophrenic nephew during one of her episodes. She was ANGRY and SAD that i would say that.. But she took it out of context... I wasn't being mean, judgemental, i was trying to make her see what she was doing. 

    I think i will digress for now and allow you all to provide some feedback... Sorry for the rambling... It is a difficult time for me and her... thanks in advance.

  • Getting ur partner to believe in your intentions by: mike1112014 2 years 10 months ago

    Non-ADHD spouses, how did or have ur partners gotten you to believe in their good intentions again? I struggle with extreme emotions and tend to avoid difficult conversations, but also can get overly fixated on a potential issue and "pick" at my wife until she loses her cool. So that even if it wasn't an issue before it is now. I can't seem to find a balance between these two extremes so now when I don't ask about something my wife assumes it's because I don't care and do not want to know. She doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm afraid to make her upset by picking at a problem and has just concluded I don't care enough about her to engage. How do I get her to believe I want that without engaging every little thought and "picking" at her? 
     

    the short answer seems to be engage on the right things but honestly if I knew how to do that I wouldn't be in this mess. I feel like I need her input and participation to help guide me to the right issues to engage and the right ones to ignore but can't get her buy in because she believes I don't care and am just placating her.

  • Looking for ideas to make partner feel special by: TryingToBeatTheOdds 2 years 10 months ago

    Hi all,

    Been reading as much as I can about the perspectives of Non-partners (and ADHD partners) on here and it's really heartbreaking but eye opening, especially recognizing it in our own marriage. I though i'd try to reach out the community for ideas on little and easy ways to make my Non-partner feel special and appreciated. So many times I though of extravagant, elaborate ideas and just failed to start or start and then get distracted, or just get overwhelmed. So last few times kept it simple, like hiding notes of appreciation in different places for my partner to find.

    Honestly, while meds have kept me on task, less distracted and less moody, my creativity I used to have feels shot.

    Anyone have any stories or ideas to share?

  • in DESPERATE need of some help by: jjemily 2 years 10 months ago

    Hello everyone,

    Happy new year!

    I hope you're all well and enjoying your day.

    I am in an extremely difficult situation with my partner which is making me unwell as he refuses to understand that he may need some help.

    Upon first meeting him 4 years ago there was various comments of difficulties at work, from small inconveniences to him reversing a truck backwards through a garage at the work yard. As it was a new relationship i didn't think much of it and to be honest most things were laughed off. 

    As the relationship went on I found lots of accidents happening, impulsive decisions being made etc, but actually found me being blamed for most things. A 'funny' yet good example is; one day i decided to make a mango curry from scratch. I made it which took quite some time and upon it needing to simmer for a little while i asked if my partner would watch it whilst i go and have a shower. On leaving the shower and drying my hair i could smell burning. I ran to the kitchen to find him waving a knife around and filming himself on snapchat to send to his friend. When i exclaimed that the dinner was burning he turned round, threw his arms in the air and told me that it was my fault because of the pan I had chosen. I (somehow?) accepted this at the time and took it on the chin. This wasn't just slightly burned, this was fully stuck to the pan with no chance of saving. I suggested we just eat the rice as that was fine and asked if he could just put it in bowls for us. Next minute i turn around and hes got the rice in the sink under running cold water. I asked what he was doing and he replied "I dont know". 

    Months later and after experiecing more of these incidents, my partner came home from work one day and explained he had been called into the office as there had been lots of complaints made about him. When i asked how things had come to such a head he explained that there had always been lots of complaints made and people having to correct him for various thing, but he again found a way to blame others. I tried to figure out what was actually going on between him blaming other people and the complaints made themselves.  I realised that the problems we were having at home coincided with the difficulties people had been having with him at work. Most related to him not thinking, doing things as quickly as he could etc. From not attaching a trailer properly to getting vans stuck. Slowly i started to piece things together and felt like a clearing had appeared and slowly started to realise that these behaviors couldn't be everybody else's fault. 

    The other day we went into a DIY shop and the isle he wanted to go down was closed off due to them stacking the top shelves with heavy machinery. Despite there being a orange and black banner across the isle he ducked under it. I told him that he shouldn't be in there, but like usual he shrugged and just laughed at me. Before I knew it someone at the top of their voice shouted STOP! another worker ran to the machinery to tell them to stop and people from the till ran over to make sure everything was okay. Once the workers and other members of the public had started to realise what had happened people began to laugh at my partner and make comments in regard to why he had ducked under the tape and how obvioous it was that he shouldnt have gone under there. I cant put into words the feeling I had, but I just wanted to crawl and hide away. 

    Today i am finally at my wits end and no longer knowing what more i can do. We went to the river and took the dog and a picnic as the sun was out. Our dog is a boxer, so not the greatest of swimmers and just likes to paddle and splash around. Whilst she was happy i decided to go and sit down and relax. Next minute i look up to see my partner has put our dog in the deepest and fastest part of the water to try and make her swim. Her eyes were bulging out of her head in panic, her legs going as fast as they could and her head slowly going under. I lept up in a hurry, swam out to her and grabbed her when her body just collapsed on to me. The poor little thing was terrified and im sure couldn't work out why her dad was next to her clapping and saying 'good girl' whilst she was drowning.

    My partner has finally admitted something isn't right, but still has that denial aspect about things. There is clearly a difficulty somewhere, but even more of a difficulty with him refusing to see there is an issue. 

    It took me a long time to figure out something was going on as there was so much blame shifted, but as we are having troubles, works having troubles with him and now we cant even go into shops there is clearly something wrong. 

    I am hoping he will go and get some help, but in the mean time i am looking for some support as i am at my wits end.

    To me everything points to ADD not ADHD. He does not have those hyperactive aspects.  Does this sound like ADD to anyone else?

    Also is this denial thing a part of it and something others have experienced?

    Take care

    Jessica

     

     

     

  • Don't Know What I'm Looking For Currently by: zmc1987 2 years 10 months ago

    But having read The ADHD Effect on Marriage as I imagine a lot of you have, I felt like someone was inside of my head, writing a book about my life. I guess right now, I'm just processing the best way I know how (written). 

    I met my wife of 10+ years in college through a mutual friend. In retrospect, she hyperfocused on me but I was engrossed in my studies (high GPA engineering student, very driven, successful). The hyperfocus was lessend because she was passionate about her degree (vocal performance) and still is an excellent vocalist. We also were long distance friends at first. Started dating later. We dated for over 8 months before we got engaged and we are extremely compatible as far as religion, family, upbringing, etc. We are both Christian, we were both home schooled, but both really got out in the world and avoided being sheltered. We love each other very much even now. Even writing this reminds me that we are SO right for each other, but ADHD brings in a profound level of difficulty. 

    I am neurotypical, my wife has ADHD. I am the sole income earner. We have 3 children (almost 6, and twins, almost 2) She sought out testing and received her diagnosis in the Spring of 2021. 

    Looking back now, I see the footprints of ADHD all over our marriage and I hope and pray our biggest issues aren't permanent. From what I can gather, her ADHD is mild to moderate. She does many things very well (shopping, scheduling appointments for the children, managing meals). She has learned to do some things well that she initially did very poorly (finances). When we first got married, I worked for a toxic and abusive employer who also required that I travel a lot. When I went out ot town, she would cope by impulsively spending. She spent $400 on shoes at one point, when my take home pay after typical employer deductions was slightly less than $3000/month. At that point, I had it out with her, not in anger, I very calmly explained that I was bitter, hopeless, and didn't see us ever having a financial future if she was going to continue to selfishly spend our money on things that we didn't agree on or need. The very next day, she cut up her debit card and voluntarily placed herself on an all cash system with envelopes for various expenditure categories. I kid you not, it was like a light switch for that facet of our relationship. Over time, I was promoted, changed jobs, drastically increased our income, and I don't worry about impulsive spending so much. WIth COVID and online shopping, she hasn't stayed the course on the envelope system, but it really hasn't mattered. She has learned to largely avoid impulsive shopping. 

    Another thing that just recently occurred to me about our early engagement/marriage days was that we acquired a dog. The WAY in which we acquired this dog was that before we were married, still living about 5 hours apart, dating long distance, I got a call one day:
    Her: "Guess what?"
    Me, suspicious already: "What?"
    Her: "We have a dog!"

    I was not pleased, not because I didn't want a dog eventually, not because I'm not a dog person, but because it was the typical (unknown to me at the time though) ADHD script. Impulsive action, no consideration of others, etc. I love him now, and he's closer to me than almost anyone, but at the time, she could barely even grasp why I would be upset that I was completely excluded from the decision-making process. It also fell to me to potty train him, wake with him, discipline him, all the typical stuff that wasn't fun and dopamine-inducing. 

    The things that she does poorly are (as you might expect) the major rub in our relationship. I guess when I really stop and boil it down, it's just a couple of things. She sleeps late. Not occasionally, not on the weekends, every. Single. Day. Even if she has an appointment that takes her out of the house early like dropping the kids off at school, she will get back into bed and be there until 11:30 or later. She also takes leisurely (hour+) baths every day while scrolling social media (which is absolutely a 4 to 6 hour a day addiction for her). 

    The advent of COVID and mandatory telework in my job has turned my life into absolute, unmitigated hell. I wake up at 7 to start meetings and my day. She will wake up and feed OR change the twins, but rarely if ever both, and then go back to bed. The kids want to be fed and/or changed, and to start their day on a "normal" person's schedule, which leaves me managing all 3 kids from 7 AM until 1-2 PM when she is FINALLY awake, bathed, dressed, and beginning to operate. By that time, my work day is 3/4 over and I'm positively seething with the anger and stress of feeling like a single, working parent for 6-7 hours of every day. Even as we have transitioned out of 100% telework status and I leave the house at 6:30, I can still recognize the signs of her sleeping late in the children. They are cranky and starved for adult interaction, watching too much TV, and when I walk through the door, they pounce on someone who will have meaningful conversations with them and then I'm "on shift" until everyone is in bed asleep, because that's how modern, egalitarian relationships are supposed to work. Except that I know that on days when I'm working away from home, getting home at 4-5 PM, she's spending a maximum of 3-4 hours meaningfully interacting because she's slept until 1-2 PM, because that's what she always does. We are going to a hybrid format where we will work 4 10s as well has have 2 days a week which are optional telework. I actually dread this. It means I will be spending 5 days in a row in this situation. Monday-Tuesday will be mandatory on-site days for me, followed by optional telework Wednesday-Thursday, and a 3 day weekend. Sounds great, until you consider that none of these days are "off" days for me, or even days when I can rely on my partner to spell me in the morning. I will be the one out of bed first. Every. Single. Day. 

    "Vacations" likewise are miserable. If I take time off, whether we stay home or we go somewhere, I NEVER get rest. It's the same waking and sleeping schedule for me regardless. This also affects my rest on the back end of the day because as you may gather, sleeping until 1-2 PM every day means that she stays up late, and her most desirable times to be productive are when I'm trying to go to sleep. It's not unusual for me to be in bed by 10 PM, out cold by 10:30, only to get awoken at 2 AM by her bedtime routine. 

    Even just writing this makes me know that eventually we're going to have to seek or find help to fix this issue, because it has affected so many facets of our marriage.

    I have despaired of doing anything that requires an early start to the day (big day trips to do fun things),
    I deal with daily anger, resentment, and stress. 
    It's not fair to our kids that they essentially have to fend for themselves until the early afternoon every day. 
    It doesn't model behavior for the kids that will be expected of them throughout their adult lives in order to function in society. 

    It has not always been this way either. Even before she received a diagnosis and started medication, she would go through LONG periods of waking up between 9 and 10 and keeping a normal schedule. What I don't think she realizes is it affects every facet of her day, because she's immediately behind by 6-7 hours and spends the rest of the day chasing...the day. Or maybe she does. 

    Again, I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just trying to process. 

  • Giving up and having nothing left to give by: Sabine 2 years 10 months ago

    It seems that therapy, medication, and books have done little to give me a spouse that treats me with respect and kindness. After tens of thousands of dollars of intervention and years of effort I just have nothing left.  How can anyone be happy living with a person who gobbles up all of the resources and sucks the air out of a room. I mean basic human decency like not taking other peoples things, not saying rude things, not cutting people off when they talk.   We can't even get to real relationship needs because basic human interaction can't be managed.    I have found zero real help from anyone. Medications have made him able to cook an omelet without crying but he still can't allow another person to have feelings.  Everything anyone says he has to say the opposite of. Its just pointless trying to explain basic human interactions to a person who ultimately isn't going to use that information for anything that means something to me.    Wish I had never gotten involved with "treatments" I should have e spent that time and money on a divorce.  

  • ADHD Husband Constant Arguing /Childlike behavior by: Anonymous (not verified) 2 years 10 months ago

    I am a Non ADHD Spouse married now to my ADHD husband for almost 3 years together 4. I am looking for help and advice. I read this blog every morning for help and support. My search engine on my phone is daily "ADHD Husband doesnt care, husband isnt helping, husband is mean etc. " I have read Melissa's book, in counseling myself and ADHD Husband is on month 3 of meds. Divorce for me is not an option unless of course there is abuse etc. This is marriage number 3 for both of us. We have known eachother since 4th grade and have grown up in the same circles, crowds etc. We reconnected after my second marriage and his. We dated long distance and married within a year of dating. Our courtship was like every article and your book which I have read. I was swept off my feet, love bombed and felt like I literally found my soul mate. We both are strong Christ followers with a broken background of alchohol and drug abuse.  I am sober and so is he. It was/is our grounding in God that drew us together and our past. We have that in common. Infact we are a lot alike, almost too much alike including being the first born children in the family dynamic and are the same in all  personality tests. Meyers Briggs/DISC etc- minus the one piece. I have gone from being a fun supportive loving wife to a nag with no voice and fully depressed. I have PTSD and Anxiety disorder which has sky rocketed since being in relationship with him. We both decided to tackle our mental health. He is first and I am second. I am in the middle of being assessed for a mood disorder myself making us both together a literal walking time bomb. I am highly insecure due to abandonment issues, lack of identity which I am working on daily and constantly triggered by his ADHD Symptoms.   It seems like when he started his medication when its working he is great. When it starts wearing off which he is not on a stimulate, he seems worse. He every evening seems to be starting an argument. We seem to be fighting every other day and its wearing on me.  So much so that I have journals filled with fights, I have emailed him how his words and actions affect me. He apologizes and it happens again. The problem is he states he has PTSD from me nagging him on what he isnt doing right, nagging, criticizing, pointing out etc. Yes I did do all of this for the first year in a half until recognizing it is ADHD. Once recognized I educated him on it. He listens to Melissa's book on audio. It goes into one ear and out the other. I have so much built up anger inside of me due to the rollercoaster life I have lived on and the burnout that I cannot climb out. Everything he does I have a hard time separating as a symptom. He literally went from being this loving kind man as I walked in the door to within 10 min starting an argument over cuddling on the coach. When I start to explain my self or what I meant he interrupts me in mid sentence. When I ask him not to do that and try and stand up for myself he says my voice is escalating and he plugs his ears like a child and says he cannot talk and puts blame on me. Instead of walking away which I should do, I find myself so caught up in defending myself as he is being unreasonable and rude. He will say things like " I am right, your wrong, I represent healthy you do not. Nothing you can say will give me hope". Just horrible final statements in the middle of being upset all while I am trying to defend what I have said. Because I feel disrespected, have deep rooted issues myself with this behavior I find myself escalate instead of walk way. I continue to talk over his plugged ears and try and reach him. My blood starts boiling, I feel like I am dealing with a child and he refuses to compromise or see my side. He then will leave the house and come back within the hour like nothing happened. Sweet as pie, loving kind husband that I need him to be in the difficult times. The hard part for me is this is often. I keep leaving for a few days and come back hoping it will be different.  We will try Melissa's suggestions or he will turn on the audio for Anger and ADHD. That gives me hope for 24 hours until I wake up to Mr Hyde.  The most interesting dynamic is if you take the fighting away, his words when short fused etc, when he is kind and good , he is literally the person I want to be around the most. We are the best of friends and have extreme passion when its good.  There is so much more I am not writing in here that everyone explains on this forum that is exact to what my husband and I experience. The biggest thing I am having an issue with is he will apologize and take accountability but I have to literally force it or ask for it or go complete silent on him. Other than that if he had it his way he would never resolve an issue. He has told me he doesnt like people really and in the same breath says "well that isnt completely true".  He says the rudest things I have heard at times that sound so heartless and then try and take it back. He doesnt initiate conversation with me, inquire about me or try and connect unless days have gone by.  If I didnt nag for intentional connection etc he would be fine with just my existence and presence in the same area rather than interacting with me. Most often I find myself questioning why he got married if he doesnt want relationship. He constantly tries to brush away any issue I have with him. I cannot seem to go a couple of days without something bothering me and bringing it up. I am a HUGE communicator and a Corporate Recruiter by trade so I am always seeking to understand, listen, find solutions, talk it out. This seems to drive him nuts because he wants to just brush it under the carpet and move on and not talk about it. To be honest I am ready to let most petty fights go. I just cannot snap back into loving wife mode after being slaughtered the night before for expressing a feeling and not being able to finish the thought. Does anyone else experience this? Funny as I am typing it, it is like I am reading the other blogs here. The things I have not tried on my end are the following. 

    1- I have not walked away when he starts getting elevated for not reason. I am to caught up in explaining what i meant, my heart being heard or wanting to satisfy my desire and need.

    2- I have not been able to go a full week without pointing out when he hurts my feelings, forgets about me or is rude. I bring up every offense although I say I wont

    3- I am in the middle of extreme therapy myself for some Mental stuff. I have had extreme narcissistic abuse from mother, sister and oldest son. I have lost those relationships during COVID and trying to improve my mental health. EVERYTHING he does is a trigger to my healing and therapy. I tell him to much about my stuff in which he will use to prove he is never wrong in a fight or I am the problem. I feel I shouldnt share so much about my stuff anymore? Being transparent is good but maybe I am to transparent?

    4- We are in the beginning stages of medication for him. He is an addict so he cannot take a stimulant. Strattera has been effective but any suggestions I give are not received well. I need to let him be in charge of his symptoms/meds. I have given him my advice daily. I think I may need to stop with that and pointing out what i am seeing all the time as he tells me he feels like the patient often.

    I know this is so long and I am so sorry. I am hopeless and of course dont want another divorce. I dont feel like I am doing all I can on my end however I have been the scapegoat in life  and in two abusive marriages prior. I easily put myself as the problem because i can fix me. I cannot fix him.  The lack of sex in our marriage, his constant stress in dealing with life, ruining outings for the most part due to stress, rude comments, not wanting to be touched really, lack of intentional connection..... what kind of marriage is that? The only thing that has worked in our past was less time together. Maybe we are together to much with COVID, working from home. My counselor has suggested for me to take better care of myself, be gone more, have my own life etc. That is the one thing I havent had since losing family,friends during this pandemic.   Thanks for listening and hopefully some advice on how to handle the anger outbursts out of nowhere, living in the deficit always and living with Jekel/Hyde. 

     

     

     

     

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