I understand that my husband with ADHD is not good with planning activities or gifts for holidays. He knows that I enjoy celebrating holidays. With Mother's Day one week away, I already bought myself a gift and made restaurant reservations but my friend invited our family to a Mother's Day brunch at her vacation home about 1 1/2 hour drive away. Our kids really enjoy her place so I asked if we could go. He said that he didn't feel like going since he has been out of town for work for part of the last two weeks (and he does not have any upcoming work trips). I work part time and I am the primary caregiver as well as the primary breadwinner. He said that I could go to the Mother's Day brunch alone or take the kids with me but he didn't want to go. FOR MOTHER'S DAY, he suggested that I spend the day alone at a brunch with other families celebrating or that I take care of the kids by myself all day. I'm really upset that even when I plan our holiday, he does not want to participate (he does like my friend and her family BTW). Any suggestions on how to approach him or help with my acceptance and understanding? I do many activities with the kids without him but for this one special day, I want to do something as a family.  I know that he won't change his mind but I'm hurt and disappointed that he can't do something to celebrate me. 

Wondering what solutions any of you have. I have been married for almost 18 years and I am so tired of being 'in trouble' with my ADHD husband. Every time he gets aggravated, annoyed, frustrated he blames whoever could be responsible and it is usually me, and often our kids. We have several children from teens to preschooler.

He had has anger issues his whole life - his dad did too and it is the reason he is twice divorced. His parents got divorced while he was in high school.  Between his very emotional ADHD and the wounds from his upbringing I am completely spent dealing with him. I have recently been asking him to try Celexa after researching that is the next step in treatment after stimulant meds, which he does take after years of resisting, and he initially said absolutely not. I have told him that I take SSRI's just to reduce anything I do that sets him off and that it is not fair that I take them for him and he won't for me, so maybe I'll stop. But why not try them for a month and see if we fight less, if he feels happier? He said his appointment is in May.
But until then, we are on a family vacation, and every day he gets exasperated about some mistake I make. I forgot where our car was in the parking lot for 5 minutes and he was beyond irritated and let me know. I booked lunch reservations and he didn't want to stop our time in an amusement park and complained for the hour leading up to it, while we ate, and the hour after. The problem is all this walking on egg shells impact how I am to my kids. They don't always see the ways he chastises me. Worse though are the times they do. My older kids now speak openly about how he is being such a loser about stuff and can't let anything go. He feels his responses are perfectly reasonable and the problem is with me. 
I woke up today knowing I am going to do something 'wrong' today and it is just a waiting game until I do it. Everything has to be his way and there is no 'laid back' approach to life ever. I walk on egg shells all the time. I read on these forums that people who have set up coping mechanisms for their adhd can't handle when anything is out of their control and that sums it up pretty well. It has massively impacted my life, sense of self to live like this. I am trying to do healing work with my therapist and read every book I can get my hands on, but I am at my wits end. How to you put up a boundary with this type of behavior? And how to I ignore him getting mad at me so I stay positive for my kids? Thank you. 

Thank you for all your help.

Never posted something like this and I'm not even sure if this is the right area to post. I'm in tears as I type this so please excuse if it sounds jumbled... My 51 yr old husband has had ADHD for most of his life - it was always mild and he functioned well in life and with his career. It was never treated in his youth. His parents just gave him a lot of hobbies and he got on with things.We've been married for nearly 20 yrs and there were only a few "episodes" that were ADHD-like over the years and I've overlooked them. However, about 5 yrs ago these episodes have gotten worse (more frequent and more severe), and with the pandemic they blew the lid off of everything for him. He has since been diagnosed by a neurologist with ADHD/depression/anger/anxiety/panic attacks. He's also had loads of tests, and a brain MRI and he's fine in that respect. It has taken us forever to find appropriate treatment. We both lost our jobs just after start of the pandemic, and that's when most of these issues started. Episodes include: slurred speech, loss of balance (falling - to where I've had to call an ambulance a handful of times), shouting at me for no reason/abusing me emotionally/verbally, repeating the same things over and over and having a mean "crazy" look in his eyes. It is not drugs or alcohol as many times he transforms right before my eyes and it's terrifying. The only way these intense episodes stop is when I can finally convince him to go into bed and sleep, but just convincing him takes a few hours as he follows me around the house trying to pick a fight. The next morning he is like his old self and says he remembers nothing about his meltdown. These episodes mostly happen after a long day, or right after some sort of emotional trigger.

Another stressor is the fact that I have recently been diagnosed with a rare blood cancer and I have been trying to help him as well as navigate through my own health issues with appointments, procedures and treatments, which for this particular type of blood disorder, will be lifelong. I am still not working until my health issue/treatments become more stable and further apart. In the meantime, I feel as if I cannot escape when he has his (for lack of a better word) tantrums. He has also lost his job again about a month ago and all he does here is shuffle around...looking for me, hovering over everything I do. He no longer has hobbies, nor does he socialize with anyone but me and his immediate family. The only time we do go out is if I initiate it, and we haven't been intimate in nearly 2 yrs. There have even been times where I've escaped to my sister's house for the night because he has gotten somewhat aggressive - banging on walls/doors and shouting at me. His words are so mean I'm just shocked and his aggression is scary. I don't want to involve my family or his, but I've had to ask him to leave to stay at his parents for a few weeks because it was getting so bad about a year ago here I was afriad he'd hurt me physically. That's never happened, thank goodness. 

He is CONSTANTLY negative and grumbling and finds fault with everything. He's miserable 24/7, and it's impacting my health as well. I am trying to get out of this funk and am looking to get back to my career and life in general, but it's being sabotaged by him. I have begged him to get treatment for his ADHD and everything else - he has recently started therapy with the proper type of therapist (the previous one he was seeing just wasn't right for his needs) and he won't start ADHD meds until he sees his other doc next month. He is on Lexapro for anxiety and it seems to help the little things he would blow up about, but it does nothing for his lack of focus, frustration and anger episodes. His therapists (both previous one and the current one) have suggested meditation and breathing to help calm him, but he doesn't do these very often. It's as if he just doesn't seem to care. 

It seems as though he simply cannot handle life anymore, and I feel like I'm leading a 13 yr old child around by the arm. It has been an absolute nightmare living with him as he is a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde and I've tried talking to him about it - begging, crying, yelling, speaking lovingly, walking on eggshells... You name it, I've tried it. His episodes are almost daily, especially now that he's not working. I am at the end of my rope and I cannot spend another minute with him any longer. Later this week I plan on gong to the courthouse to file for divorce. I just cannot take this shit. I need to get on with my life in a positive way. I feel so very sad and also a bit angry because I wish there was something more I could do, but I've helped him find therapy and docs, and have been by his side through all of this. I need a partner to support me as well, especially now... I matter too.

I wish there was something more that could be done and I know he's just starting therapy, but I don't see the point in living with him. Will proper ADHD meds help him? Does anyone have experience with this? It's been an emotional rollercoaster for years and I think I've given up. I just need to talk to someone who is "normal" I'm sorry but it's the truth. He's killing me.