I am the non ADHD Spouse and am ready to literally pull my hair out. I have written so many posts on here that I am sure you can see my rollercoaster life. My ADHD husband and I are finally at the stand still of it all. He is diagnosed, and going through treatment. He has yet to see a counselor but they have now moved up  his dosage for meds twice. During our 3 years almost of marriage it has been hell. I am a Christian and really trying to do this God's way. We finally got into counseling and he admitted he hasnt forgiven me for the past, has a huge chip on his shoulder with me. He says he thinks I am mean to him all the time. Mean to him is any time I point out anything that he will take negative. This is due to 2 years of me asking for, pointing out errors, yelling, nagging etc when I had enough. I have worked hard to stop and change my behavior for the last year. The last few months being the best.  My DH husband will say in the same breath that he doesnt think he loves me and then 2 hours later say he does love me he thinks he is just angry.  I have lost the ability to stand credible to any of his bad behavior because mine has been louder and worse in the past. Now he has a get out of jail free card raising his voice to me and causing fights, then saying he isnt doing that.  He in the last week and with counseling has told me he has mental issues, there is something wrong and he is sorry and wouldnt blame me for leaving. The next day I am the worst person in the world and he is the best person in the world and has never endured this from any women but me. He and I were both told we are in competitive mode in our marriage. We were told by counseling that we do not have intimacy although my husband feels like he does. 

Here is my honest question on ADHD that I cannot find in any books or maybe I am not looking up the correct information. My husband has told me he has never felt so disrespected by how I view him and that he has endured 2 years of abuse from me. Now He has kicked down door, got in my face screaming and has called me several names, said horrible things and then tries and deny them. I have been accountable for my end with action steps on changing my behavior. When trying to lock him down even in counseling he cannot take accountability for his behavior. He literally will deny it happening. I have cornered him on it and said " You said to me that you would be happy to not hear my feelings for up to a year. Do you see that hurts me and do you see you denying it?". He said he doesnt think he said that but thats not what he means. Either way he said it! Please explain this type of behavior and what it is? Its the one thing that makes me want to leave my marriage. His complete lack of hearing himself and what he says to me and does. Yesterday he was so in love with me and we were fine until night time. He has the worst hygene and didnt brush his teeth again before bed. I had to ask for a good night kiss (literally I have to ask for him to even see me.... babe can I have a hug, a kiss? anything?) he leaned over to kiss me and I said "phew never mind, your breath is bad sorry i cant kiss you". That was all I said. I woke up this moring to him starting a fight by saying "You were mean to me last night, I am over you being so mean to me and I am one foot out the door of this marriage." When I tried talking to him he literally plugged his fingers to his ears and said leave, your starting a fight. Its like the gaslighting he does to me when I try and point out how he has hurt me is tiring.  Is this normal with ADHD? He literally refuses any accountability over what he says and how it hurts me. Even if I say it hurts me he wont acknowledge it. I feel like he hates me deep down and is so angry that I am not seeing the light. His viewpoint of me is so negative and he has turned me into the enemy even though he is a Christian and knows i am not. He said I had done and said too much to forigve. Maybe I really have? He makes me sound like I am the only woman who has done this to him but he has been married 2 other times and they left due to his drug use and abuse. He supposedly is only violent with his temper while on drugs. He doesnt want to look at his anger. I feel so stuck. I am trying to do this Gods way but how do I do that when he is mood swinging every day and hurts me, starts fights, ignores me for the most part. The most frusturating part is they forget what they agree to! He can be so remorsful for his actions of hurting me one day and then the next day he is doing it again. Do I just live with that forever? How do I live with the Gaslighting he doesnt see he does, the words and abuse that he doesnt think is abuse? He literally thinks I am the one now abusing him when I point anything out at all. I cannot point anything negative out at all ever. His breath, if he offends me, anything. I am at a loss. 

I am the Non ADHD Spouse trying so very hard to to learn and understand ADHD.  I almost walked out of my marriage a month ago until a light bulb went on and I finally saw myself and the stuff I was doing wrong. I changed everything on my end and we have gotten along with things looking promising until last night.  My husband had his medication (Strattera) doubled along with his Anxiety medication.  He feels a lot better and I do as well since he is happier overall, easier to be around and I see him trying to be more attentive.  Here is my experience that is literally making me feel like I am going crazy. I am hoping that this is somewhat familiar to ADHD and others experiences or maybe I am dealing with something different. I have noticed this cycle when it comes to my husband and hearing my feelings around his Symptoms with ADHD. 

1- For almost 2 weeks once his meds doubled he seemed more attentive to me and even called out his symptoms as they happened giving me hope. He has listened and empathized with me sharing my feelings on other topics. When he listens he seems to zone out. I call him out on it and he says he is focusing. He will ask a question trying to be attentive and then I answer. Instead of seeking to understand my answer or diving deeper, which is what I want... he says " wow, ya i see that its hard... so what about this question" then he is off to another question. I feel like a checkoff list, the interaction between us feels fake, unauthentic as I watch him struggle to connect, engage with me. When I call this out to him and how it makes me feel, he immediately gets offended by me. He will say I hurt him, things were going so well until I mentioned that. He will turn it into now him being the victim and my feelings about his actions, symptoms are offensive. When I asked if we could talk about my feelings in counseling he said yes, but he is sick of hearing about my feelings..... Now this is the same guy who a week ago was kind, attentive , loving and seemed to see his side.  Now I went to bed again feeling unheard, unloved and no real emotional connection. 

2- I dont understand how one week he can be loving and kind and the next week come off uncaring, selfish, lacking empathy and no compassion. How does he not see the rollercoaster? Why is it that he is so defensive whenever I try and talk about his symptoms and how they make me feel? 

3- I am trying to figure out how to live happily in this marriage when I will be missing the emotional intimacy I have always desired. Is there hope for this in an ADHD relationship? My husband is extremely prideful and arrogant. I confused him as being and looking narcassitic. The difference being that I hear him apologize for himself more often than I hear him brag about himself. How is emotional intimacy established in a relationship like this one?  Does anyone else struggle with a partner who gets defensive and denies their ADHD behaviour and then accepts it a week later? 

4- I cant seem to break through this barrier that exists when speaking to him. It's like I am almost all the way connecting to him and then he goes surface, coming off polite and cordial like a work buddy. He can switch into loving, compassionate, sweet, but because he flops so much I am not sure what to believe in who he is. He comes off inauthentic to me often like he is performing. The times I see him the most authentic is when he talkes about his struggles and I go into counseling mode. The same cannot be said for me. If I do the same he will say I talk to much, He cant do this right now and I just need to be happy. He says he knows what a marriage and women need yet doesnt really seem to know how to have relationships.  Emotional intimacy and asking me questions to learn more about me, engaging in life together,,, all these things lack or are non existant for the most part. Does anyone have any positive alike experiences?

Hi Everybody,

First of all, let me say thank you for being here. This forum is a life line that validates so much of my daily experience. I am non-ADHD and recently got married - my husband was diagnosed about a month after our wedding day, but he had already taken a psych test that strongly indicated he had ADHD about a month before the wedding. We've been together several years and, looking back, ADHD behaviours have been at the centre of most of our arguments - he could be forgetful, irresponsible, impulsive, rude/inappropriate and most of all come across as selfish because he would simply forget things I said and fail to fulfil promises time and time again. Wedding planning really pushed our relationship to the absolute brink it was the first time I realised that he couldn't do very simple tasks that anybody should be able to do (especially someone of his education). I started to suspect something was wrong because we would agree certain wedding-planning tasks together and split them between us then, weeks later, it would be like he didn't even remember we were planning a wedding.

Long story short, he was diagnosed and went on medication. The first few weeks of him on medication were GLORIOUS - he was listening to me, following up on things we had agreed and being attentive. He was also doing better at his work. I felt like the medication had quietened the ADHD symptoms and allowed his true self  - the person I had fallen in love with and still wanted to marry despite all our problems - to shine through. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then, overnight it was like the meds just....STOPPED. Now, three months into him being on medication he has rebounded BIG TIME, he has quickly slipped right back to old habits. When I ask him to do something or tell him something important it goes in one ear and out the other, he has even started falling behind on work again and the few good organisational habits he started in the first few magical weeks of medication have disappeared. The worst part is that he simply does not LISTEN. I try to communicate with him but I think his mind just wanders off, he doesn't take in what I'm saying and/or immediately forgets it once I'm out of his eye line.

What's going on? Has anybody experienced this? I know he's taking the meds, is it truly possible they have just stopped working overnight? 

This time it hurts even more because I remember how amazing it was when the meds were working. We were both so happy but it feels like it's all been ripped away. Today, after a screaming match argument, I'm just feeling hopeless....any advice?

Hi everyone,

I am new on this site, and I am pretty much desperate for help with my adhd girlfriend who has a really extreme ADHD form. So I decided that I want to write down my experience with my partner and how hard and draining it is for me to understand why the rollercoasters I constantly experience happen. Let me tell you upfront that I love this woman with all my heart. I would do anything for her, but I cant understand why she is the sweetest girl I have ever dated, but when she push me away that she acts so mean and savage! All I want is just helping her and being happy with her. I survived so many emotional rollercoasters with her and now this latest one is worse than ever. And I just want her to see that what she does now is self destructing and hurting her and me. I dont want to lose her forever and atm it sure looks like it. So here it goes :

I love my girlfriend of 2 years to death. In that time, she broke on and off with me countless times in the most savage ways over the most stupid arguments. During those arguments she will always drag up old arguments when she feels cornered or just say "i dont wanna talk about that, im off". She interrupts with everything I say. She always responds with "yeah but you this that..." and everytime I just want to talk with her and solve it, but she will insult me terribly, projecting everything on me, blocking me, gaslighting me, stonewalling , etc etc. It destroys me and causes me to experience stress and a lot of pain. Nobody ever hurt me like that before. Always she asks her Keys back, deny my our cats she got from me etc.

Worse is, she always runs at the very first (backup rebound) guy who gives her temporarily attention and afterwards she comes running back with tears and convincing me time and time again it all her ADHD and she lost herself, it wasnt me but she describing it as being not able to control herself. She is very insecure,  she told me in her world she thinks a lot that I deserve better than her, im above her league,  and by being mean she thinks that that is the only way to push me away. It brings me to tears because I would never want anyone else! I close to be with her and I never regretted it! But the push pull in our relation from her side is complicated and hurtful.

And I take her back every time. I cant imagine a life without my girlfriend! Because I believe her and just want to help her, be with her for the rest of my life and make her happy. I always put myself in 2nd place cause I really believe how great she is outside these episodes. Yeah I understand people maybe think i use myself as a doormat. And this girl is the first who has that effect on me.

Last time it was really going so great for 5 months, hardly any incidents and it was so amazing to clearly see she looked and behaved better then ever. I knew she could slip because of her issues, but I never expected it to be worse then ever now! I was so convinced she learned from previous episodes and we could evade another heartbreaking episode by making sure we defuse it with a lot of tools. We talked hundreds of hours about all the problems and how to work together on it. she would tell me how great I am, how she appreciate how I fight for her, and for me that is normal since I would do it a million times. If she wouldnt push me away and blocks me when it happens, that would make such a big difference!

All these months she would daily tell me she wanted to move in with me, how sorry she was for hurting me, she learned about it her issues, got real help (which I saw myself), and it would never happen again. Till Jan 6th it was like the fairytale, the one I always wanted with her, and I felt happier then ever. 

Then on Jan 7th out of nowhere she did literally the same things all over again out of nowhere in another provoked BS argument, and it was even worse then ever. And no matter what I did or said, she would use anything against me to justify her actions, behaviour and anger. Then she broke up with me again and blocked me, and ran again to a rebound. It devastated me. Its the worst pain I ever experienced in my life. I had relations before in my 41 years of life, i got dumped or broke up those myself but compare to the pain I experience with this girl that was nothing.

It broke my heart so hard, cause I really love her so much and I just want to be happy with her. I put myself away for her, how stupid it sounds for others maybe. Because I really know how great it is outside these episodes. So basically I sacrifice myself, it feels like walking on a minefield. She can do countless times whatever she does but every mistake I make in her eyes gets punished. I can do 99 things out of 100 perfectly, but she will only talk about that 1 thing. Now again its the same many hurtful insults, blameshifting,  stonewalling, gaslighting, projecting, etc. and now she went even further. 

Out of nowhere she started smearing me again to friends and stuff. Because in her anger she basically make everything about me extremely negative. For example calling me a narc, no understanding of her, I am responsible for her behaviour, I am the worst guy in the world who will never accomplish anything in life, I so call manipulate her, I blame her for everything, I play the victim and loads of stuff like that, and it is so unfair!

Im far from perfect! Yes I do make mistakes, maybe a lot, but I love her so much, I never want to hurt her in any way! I never scream, i never put my hand on her, I never put her down or what! I just want to help and understand her , calm her down, but when she is in these moods, she is unreachable. She blocks me and remove me everywhere too then. I am at blame for everything, she insults me by humiliating me basically without her probably realizing the impact her words and actions causes, let alone how terrible it feels when she again runs straight away for another rebound. She tells me and others now that she doesnt care about her behaviour and the pain she causes, cause she just says "I dont care, his problem, i do what I want and this is what i feel now, and i feel freed". So with other words, Im always the one who gets the blame and if I dare to stand up for myself, especially since she keeps going and going till I react to it and then I am the guilty one. Its like she runs away for every confrontation, every critic or what!

I feel so devastated, im not anything she accuses me off! I have flaws, nobody is perfect, but she just makes me the bad guy and get blamed for whatever comes up in her mind. I never experienced this behaviour and pain like ever before in all my life (im 41). And how stupid it may sound for a lot of people or that I may look desperate or what, I really try to look through those words and actions. I want her back and just want to help her since I love her so much and be happy with her, building a future. she is the world for me. I just think this girl (she is 48) cant help herself but she doesnt want that herself. Im not romantisizing or want to excuse her behaviour, like I said we talked hundreds of hours about all this stuff, she explained how her head works and that she cant control it when it happens, but she doesnt want to lose me.

Even though im in no contact and trying to recover, i feel like this severe pain, and all the stuff she did and said is killing me from the inside. All I want is for her to calm down and be reasonable, to come back and solve this! I feel like she just crushed my soul worse then ever. And the lies she tells when twisting the story what happened, making her a victim and me the bad guy.

I feel so disrespected everytime, me not able to say what i want to say, after all promises, tears and everything....for her to easily hop to the next guy ( which she explain as its just to cover the pain of missing me).... its the most painful period for me ever! Worse thing is that she actually made me doubt myself all the times before, and that even though i am keeping my distance, the fact that I am here dealing with all this pain and trying to recover and she does all these things in anger...

I am a guy with empathy, who expresses his feelings, especially in a relation. And I feel this is a never ending cyclus, a vicious circle. Im afraid that when she comes back, that the next episode will be worse, and the next one even more. It drives me insane. I try to focus on positive things and distractions but im very anxious if i think about the fact that these rollercoasters wont stop. And losing her forever would leave a such a open wound in my heart, I cant bear that thought (yeah i would eventually move on since I cant give up on life, but the pain will be there forever)

My excuses for the long rant. Like I say, im not here to bash my girlfriend, I want to help her and im just getting so emotionally drained. I need help!

I fully understand if people say that I should not allow myself to get treated like this, or that this is more then ADHD (I dont know), or that I cant help her, but supporting her or what just to save our relation? I would do anything in the world for that! If people think i some toy for her so be it, in my life I always were a person who never gives up on somebody, especially when I love that person so deeply as my adhd girlfriend. I consider her my soulmate, and she always say the same when things are cool and calm. Its just when these episodes happen, she is unrecognizable, like a totally different person who is so mean and savage. A person who destroys everything. She lost friends for similar reasons, and they couldnt take the draining and on off behaviour anymore. But I do understand her and I DO want to keep fighting!

I just need some advice from others on this site, cause my days are now filled with crying, heartache, analyzing, looking for tips, etc. I read articles before on this site, but now i registered myself, so I can learn more about ADHD to understand her even better and hopefully it gives me something to solve this. Her parents even told me multiple times in tears how much they respect me for what I want to do for her, that I stay and keep giving my love, trust, and unlimited credits. How its makes them sad how she is now doing this again. That I am a special guy, someone who does more then any other person ever did for her. I just hope she comes back soon, we get this under control and let me be very clear, she has so many good sides on her too! But these episodes are so emotionally tough and draining, sometimes I do feel like I want to collapse.

I absolutely believe she is a good person, just somebody who is completely irrational at times, stubborn and mean. Did any of you ever experienced similar situations? And if so, how did you dealt with it and solved it?

Thanks in advances everyone! 

YK