Does anyone else struggle to get their ADHD partner to celebrate them?

Mine has an aversion to gifts or doing anything nice for me. It's starting to ware on me after being together for so long (18 years of this!) I've really tried to adapt to his ways - but why can't he adapt to mine? I come from a family that celebrates birthdays - people have given me surprise parties in the past - I've given him parties even - I love to give gifts - to celebrate people!

I've gotten my husband some nice things over the years. But when it's his turn to celebrate me he gets stuck, frozen, confused - overwhelmed. IT IS SO ANNOYING. I've tried everything over the years -  making lists - couples therapy - giving him a heads-up that a special day is coming...put his name on a gift for me. One year - he got me a STICK for my birthday. Yes. A literal STICK. A STUPID WOODEN STICK. He said it was a joke - but wow it was really hurtful. I should have left right then and there!! Instead I fussed at him about how hurtful it was and he ran to Target for something unmemorable. Can you believe that madness?

Today - I am upset because I got into a kick-ass PhD program this year - finished my first semester the other day. My husband knows how important this work is to me - I told him, he's seen the tears and sweat. It's a big step for me. I asked him to do something nice - I knew it wasn't going to happen - so I decided to celebrate myself with a bottle of wine and some cake. 

When I got home - instead of making a nice dinner - my husband had heated up left-overs! It's like he's purposefully being mean to me - he purposely wants to hurt my feelings. All I could do was cry. I just cried and cried and he apologized for having bad timing - then I ended up comforting him - what? Why am I comforting him - when I am the one in need of love and support. It feels like nothing will ever change. He's been a real DUD. I know there are partners out there who celebrate people! 

I've been married to a man with ADD for almost 40 years. You'd think by now we'd have got it together, but it never ends. I love him, he loves me. Years ago I thought that love, empathy and awareness coupled with some outside help would conquer all but, of course, I was wrong. For one thing, there's been no outside help. He won't do it.
There was a time about twenty years ago when he read about ADD. Got a book, and read it. He was thrilled, I think because the book gave him insight and validation. For two weeks our lives changed. Even though it was twenty years ago I remember clearly. For me the stress, the confusion, the anxiety all went away. And he was happier. He was more in control. Things went his way, rather than him being beaten up by everyday events - like lateness, forgotten plans, forgotten promises. Never having time.
After two weeks or so everything went back to our normal chaos.
We've been bankrupt and homeless. He wouldn't talk about either. When I realized that our home would be foreclosed on I asked him, 'hon, what are we going to do? His response was in my face, aggressive, 'there's nothing I can do about it!!'. And he refused to even discuss it for five years, which was when I finally found a very inexpensive place that we could afford to buy. Both of us were in our sixties at that point.
Making decisions is almost impossible for him. And if I think that he's made one I'm usually wrong. Promises and commitments mean zero. By the next day, it's 'disappeared'. 
I feel like he controls everything. Our finances, recreation, you name it. We live in a half-done home with holes in the walls. If I decide, dammit, I'm gonna fix this! it hurts him, his response is always 'I told you I was going to do that! And then we fight.
Most of the time we muddle through. Sometimes we're happy. But much of the time I have no idea what's going on. He can't stay on top of routine things, so he deals with them by hiding the problems that result. I intercept mail, listen in on his phone calls. Dirty, huh? But I still don't know, like the letter I just found from a law firm threatening action on an unpaid bill that was news to me. I imagine that for most couples that would be a big deal, but for us it's normal. I beg him to please tell me when we're in trouble. If I know what I'm up against I can deal with it! If I don't know, I can't. The worst thing is the constant fear of never knowing what might be lurking in the background. I know that I've become paranoid, but having said that there's almost always something going on that I don't know about. It isn't always something big, but I always fear that is! 
Please, please, anyone reading this who suffers from ADD, don't be offended. I can't say that I know how hard it is to have ADD because I don't suffer with it. But I see my husband's pain, and I see how it affects his self-esteem. He's a kind, smart, loving man who often feels like a failure. He's been referred to by a relative as a 'lovable f***up'. It made me want to throw up when I heard it. How patronizing/insulting is that?
To anyone who reads this, please forgive me. There's no real question. I'm just venting. Events over the last couple of days have left me at the end of my rope, again. I cry, I scream, I don't sleep. Then I'll get it together again. Things will run smoothly for a while, then we'll be back in some unexpected crisis.
The only thing I want to say is PLEASE GET HELP. As a couple, or as an ADD patient. My husband's experience when he read that book proves that life can be better and easier. I truly believe that ADD doesn't have to be a life sentence. But for us, now, I'm so sad to finally have to accept that it IS a life sentence. At 74 I sincerely doubt that he's ever, seriously, going to recognize the extent of the problem, or desire to remedy it. 
And I've given up on me, too. I can't fix it. No matter how much I read, or who I talk to, whatever I learn doesn't help. I learn what not to say, what not to do. What makes it harder for him. But in a way that almost makes it worse! Sometimes it seems like I'm actually enabling him by trying to make him feel more comfortable about the situation we're in, or by accepting it. And anyway, I no longer believe that one partner can fix anything, it has to be a mutual effort.
To anyone who reads this, thank you for listening! Today I'm a mess again; it feels good just to have beaten this post out on my laptop. Please, if nothing else, take encouragement from my ranting. It may be too late for us, but it's not too late for you! Get help, DO NOT go down the path we are always going to travel. You deserve better! And I know that it's possible.

Hi People--new to forum! I am looking to form an accountability group to go through an ADHD executive function workbook. Specifically--I'd love to work with women in the Baltimore area. Anyone up for it? Or does anyone know of an ADHD women support group in Baltimore that I can get hooked up with?

thanks!

Sarah

Tonight we were talking about politics for an hour laying in bed and from time to time he had outburst of energy he was laying down relaxed then sitting up with excitement and big eyes, we could be talking about a single topic and he ends up on a different one then zones out, I reminded him to try to lay down with me while we were talking and he did his best, after we were done talking he asked if we could do research and I felt overwhelmed, I felt extremely drained after trying to keep up through the conversation and Bringing him back to the topic every single time he railed off, I’ve had worked a 12 hour shift, it was almost 11 pm and I knew his pattern and the research wouldn’t end till 3 am  with him falling asleep crashing from all the energy he just burned and me staying up feeling uneasy. I told him I didn’t want to do research, i told him I was exhausted and he said okay then when I went on to talk to him about how I felt emotionally drained and he got angry at me calling me childish, telling me I didn’t love him for him.

and we have had a serious situation in previous days when out of anger he threatened to change the locks, leave my things in the street and leave me homeless which a day later in the evening he promised he will start his medication blaming his outburst on his ADHD, and today when I brought up the patterns he told me it wasn’t fault of his ADHD, he said that he thought we were having a good time but now he knew it wasn’t having a good time and this hurt, I did have a good time I was just extremely drained and it hurts that every single time I am not allowed to express how I feel and he expects me to hear how he is feeling insulting me then when I am feeling extremely bad I ask him to please stop because I know he will regret the things he said in the morning then he accuses me of never listening to him and is not fair because he doesn’t listen to me and when he wants to express his feelings is always degrading me. He exit our room and I followed him to ask him to please listen to my feelings instead of shutting them down then he got angry, I went back to my room and he kept coming in and out the room saying hurtful things to make me feel bad. Like I mentioned we had a big issue a couple days ago and I gave him a chance because he said he’ll take medication and go to therapy but I feel hopeless and embarrassed that I am letting someone treat me so bad, who I can’t communicate my feelings with when he hurts me and then he always says I am making something out of nothing and gets angry at me and I am left feeling confused and wondering why is he angry at me I am hurting. I have tried to break up with him which makes him treat me horrible then he comes to me saying that he wants to keep trying and that everything will be better, and I believe him every time and I feel so guilty for doing so. I love him so much and I don’t know what I can do to have that man I feel in love with back. I am scared of leaving him out of fear of his insults and him leaving me homeless and destroying my things. Can anyone relate ? I feel so alone, I just wanted to tell him how I felt and he never wants to hear it, he made me feel guilty for feeling drained and that I shouldn't be.