Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Spouse doesn't want me to see a therapist - UPDATED by: respoke 14 years 12 months ago

    ORIGINAL POST - April 2010

    I was diagnosed with ADHD at 16 and I'm now almost 28 and married last year.  I think that I'm pretty high functioning but my ADHD symptoms have caused major problems in our relationship and I've tried really hard to explain how ADHD affects my ability to focus, keep track of time and communicate.  I've also done a lot to make it easier on my wife.  I got an iPhone and keep my schedule organized, I set alarms on it to remind me when I need to do things or be somewhere, I keep a daily journal on it to try and keep track of basic things that happened during the day, I try to make sure I'm not on the computer when we are hanging out together or talking, I reset my sleep schedule to go to bed earlier with her instead of staying up late on my own, I ask her about her day almost everyday (sometimes I still forget), I have a chore routine, we aren't rich but I hold down a steady job, I schedule band practices and other 'me time' while she is at work and I try really hard to do everything I can to make her happy.

    One of the major problems is that when there is a problem I get easily frustrated and defensive.  She doesn't understand what I'm trying to say and I don't understand her.  It can go on for up to 4 hours and I can't keep track of what was said and sometimes get distracted.  Sometimes it goes on really late into the night when I have to wake up early for work.  I get really tired and it actually makes me feel physically ill.  She says its not okay to talk about it later and we have to resolve the issue right then and there.  She also gets really emotional and worked up, which I don't blame her for because I obviously do and say stupid things sometimes.  We can't seem to work out how to communicate better.  I tried making a lot of suggestions that have worked for me in the past, like postponing the conversation to a time that isn't the middle of the night or when we aren't as emotional.  I've also tried to tell her what it's like to be ADHD and used some suggestions off this site.

    It seems to me that she thinks I'm using it as an excuse and is so fed up that unwilling to learn more about it or use any of the suggestions that I've found online for better communication.  I really want to do something to make things better and finally have a little extra money, so I decided it would be good for me to see a therapist who specializes in ADHD and try some behavorial therapy and get some help with communication.  She said that I was just doing it for myself to make me feel better, that the therapist would probably say she was in the wrong because they would only be hearing my side of the story, that they would tell me I should get out of the relationship and that it's not worth the money.  I don't want to see a therapist for myself, I want to see one to improve our marriage.  I can't seem to explain myself well enough to my wife and I need more tools than I can find online to make things better.

    So my questions are, how do I improve communication with my wife who seems unwilling to learn more about ADHD and try any of my suggestions? How do I convince her it's would be good for both of us if I saw a therapist? and how can I help her understand better what it's like to be me?

    EDIT - UPDATED almost 2 years later

    What I wrote about was a really tricky situation which isn't totally resolved but has improved a little bit. I never made it to a therapist but at a certain point last year I put my foot down and refused, as kindly as I could, to talk about problems when she brought them up in the middle of the night. At first I would listen to what she had to say and then excuse myself to go take a walk and smoke a cigarette so I could do some breathing and calm myself down, so that my first words were a reaction but instead a reflection. That helped a lot in not having that initial defensive aggression. I just got in the habit of recognizing when I was about to overflow and then I'd take a quick break to bring myself back down.


    That helped shorten the long talks a little bit and helped me focus a little more but I was still really upset that we could potentially end up talking until 2am and then I'd have to wake up at 8am for work. So eventually I reached my limit and stood firm, telling her that I would not have those discussions late in the evening and they would have to wait until the next day. For several months things sucked pretty bad, anytime she wanted to talk and I refused, I would end up sleeping on the couch and she would stomp around the house all angry and then go to sleep in the bed. The next day though, our conversations were significantly shorter and calmer.

    It took a long time but now, most of the time at least, she just tells me there is a problem and we agree to talk the next day. Sometimes she just apologizes the next morning and says that it was nothing and other times we have a 30 minute to hour long conversation and everything is all good. We get in less fights and they are rarely bad enough that one of us chooses to sleep on the couch. I think our last big fight was over 4 months ago and she apologized the next morning and told me she over-reacted because of an experience she had in a past relationship.


    Without my flight/fight defensive response taking over and her nervous anxiety ramping up her emotional state, communication became much easier. I don't know that any of this will be helpful or work for your relationship but it was helpful for mine. My mother, who has been married to my father for 40+ years actually gave me the advice to postpone the argument and I am very grateful I followed her advice, even though it took a while to see the positive results.

  • Newlywed to a husband with ADD. Its like i'm drowning by: thlene 14 years 12 months ago

    OOOOOOOOOOH my goodness. So when I first met my husband and got to know his family, I learned he had ADD. Ok...I knew that just as much as if I went out on the street and told someone, "hey, I have ADD". They 'know' I have it...but before I married my husband I didnt really know ADD. And now, as newlyweds, it is quite a challenge for me. The constant forgetfulness of things that are very important to me, not paying attention when I am trying to explain something that truly is an issue for me, not being responsible as far as waking up for class or appointments, etc. Its driving me nuts. We have been married for five months. I often have quite a hard time differentiating between what is truly a result of the disorder and when he is just being trifling. I notice that when it comes to things he is interested in, he had no problem retaining any and all information associated with it, he keeps up with all that it entails, and doesn't miss a beat. This hurts the most probably because I realize that ADD people only really function 'normally' or productively with things that interest them the most. The fact that he has such a hard time being this attentive when it comes to me makes me feel like i'm just not as interesting or important to him as things like video games and sports. When I try to express my frustrations to him about being married to someone with ADD, he almost takes offense as if he is in TRUE denial of his behavior. He often makes references to "well i know I have a disorder, and sometimes I forget things.." he pretty much thinks that is his only problem. I have told him that I want him to seek help (medicine, therapy, etc.) to help with his symptoms, and as usual, he has promised that he would, but I have gotten no result. I have joined about 3 different online support groups for people with ADD family members and spouses. He has done nothing. This makes me feel extremely alone because...he doesnt understand what I'm going through. I dont know of any other friends of mine who have an ADD husband, so I dont even feel I have friends I can turn to. This gets very discouraging. When his symptoms show, I just get this depressed feeling like I'm trapped and theres nothing anyone can do to make it better. You know, when women are younger, I feel like they dream of this strong man who will be responsible and able to protect their families, lead positivity and maturity within the household, and protect you from (for example..) discrepancies in finances and secure the future of the family in every way leaving no stone unturned. I'm not saying my husband does none of that, but more often than not, I feel like I amlost have to raise him and it breaks my heart because I now realize that this is never going to end. The biggest reason my husband will never be able to relate to my pain is because when it comes to my flaws, he has a hope that I will one day be able to change. I do not have that peace. I now realize that these traits will never change, and I will forever be trapped in a world of hurt, frustration, and emotional solitude. I really need to know how what to do because lately, I have been feeling like im not too sure how long I will be able to live with this. I have the beleif that divorce is only justifiable for abuse and infidelity...but this disorder is truly wearing on my soul and patience. Someone please tell me you understand.

  • He talks all the time! by: mels22 14 years 12 months ago

    Hi!

    We believe my husband has ADD or ADHD. He has not been treated or diagnosed yet (we are working on that) but he answers "yes" to most symptoms of ADD.

    So I have a question, I'd like to know if anyone else has dealt with or experienced this - My husband voices ALL of his thoughts.

    For example, if we are watching a movie, he talks to/at the movie. He gasps, exclaims, and says things like "why did he do that, where is that person going, etc..." He also does this while reading a book or while working on a project.

    He claims that speaking out loud while he works helps him focus. I can understand that. But what purpose does talking to the TV or his book have?

    This is frustrating to me because its very distracting!! When he does this, it makes me feel like I have ADD too, because my focus is constantly being interrupted. I stop what I'm doing, turn to look at him to see what he's saying, and then I get angry because its nothing important. It's worse when I'm driving and he blurts stuff out too.

    I've asked him to stop, but I know that he can't. And I've tried to ignore it, but I just can't seem to.

    Does anyone else with ADD/ADHD do this, or is it just a personality trait of his?

  • "high functioning" ADHD spouse - still making me nuts by: dgr33 14 years 12 months ago

    I just started reading these forums - and so many of the problems and complaints I completely identify with, as my husband has ADHD.  He doesn't spend indiscriminately or rack up debt & is very driven, but he's still making me absolutely insane.  He constantly takes on projects that aren't absolutely necessary at the expense of family time, the latest being a house search (we live in a perfectly fine house, could use something larger, but this could have definitely waited) instead of spending time with our newest child, complains about how many things he has on his to-do list, complains that he can't get anything done, stays up all night...ARGHHHH!  What makes this trickier is that he is successful, he does make decisions that in the end, generally turn out well, so he always says, "see, I was right, wasn't it worth it?"  But in the process, he's destroying our marriage.  The most perfect house in the world won't bring back the first few months of our son's life that he was completely oblivious to, and it won't revive our marriage. I am so tired of repeating myself ten times a day, only to have him snap at me when he finally registers that I'm talking.  I'm sick of spending every meal watching him read a magazine or the paper while I feed our baby and 3 year old.  I'm sick of watching our oldest try to get his father's attention while he stares into space. I have to wake him up every morning - even when I was getting 4 hours of sleep due to the baby's reflux, I still had to wake up my husband...and leave the kids at the breakfast table to go back and wake him up again...and again.  Time - forget it.  He operates on his own clock & is chronically late, because I "worry too much" and he has "plenty of time."

    The worst is that when I bring these things up, I'm the nag, I have no common sense, am worthless, etc.  I'm really questioning whether this is worth it.  It's been this bad for our entire marriage, with short periods of OK times.  I thought it was better to stick it out because of our children, but I'm starting to wonder whether our terrible example of marriage is really better than having divorced parents.

  • Anger vs. Empathy by: Hoping4More 14 years 12 months ago

    Lately, my ADD wife (who is now all too familiar with some of the impact her ADD is having in her social relationships), is beginning to share her feelings of overwhelm and low self-esteem with me.  Things like "I just have SO many things to work on and I can't be working on these things all the time!" and "I can't believe anybody even likes me because I am so bad in conversations."

    I know she is "trying hard" to change things.  She got diagnosed and she is on meds, and she has done some reading.  There have been some changes but not a lot.

    I have suggested to her that from what I read on this forum "trying harder" is not what is going to work.  And I have suggested that maybe she could benefit from coaching.  I even sent her some links to coaching that I found from Melissa's recent post on the Telephone training on Shame - thinking she might be willing to try them because there are some self-coaching options and audio classes and she's always listening to podcasts on her i-phone.  But she hasn't given any indication that she is ready to check out coaching as an option.

    At this point, I find myself wanting to be empathetic, but I am finding it difficult, since I am someone who is majorly affected by her behaviors and feeling frustrated by them.  So when she bemoans the fact that she has so much to work on or that she feels like she is a bad person, I have a hard time listening, and I find myself wanting to move into "solution mode."

    Sometimes I am able to say something like "Honey, you are not a bad person.  You are so more than your ADD behaviors."  And then I give her a hug and tell her some of the things I love about her.  Sometimes when I do though, I think "How many times do I have to tell her this?"  Or I might think "If I keep comforting her when she feels bad about this, will she never get any help?"

    But sometimes I don't want to listen to it.  Sometimes I even get angry that she is complaining but not taking any steps to change things.  Sometimes I just want to say "Honey, there are solutions out there.  If you would take some action and stop complaining maybe you would see some improvement and not feel so bad."  Or "Stop complaining to ME about this!"

    So, how do I let go of my anger and be more empathetic when she complains?

  • Please help me help my husband by: sammyjo 14 years 12 months ago

    I wondered if someone would be able to help me please?

    My husband is only 22 but was diagonised with ADHD when he was about 12years old, he was on concerter for about 5 years, he then came off them just before he met me. I have always knew he had adhd and it never bothered me as i learnt to deal with his outbursts, tantrums, lack of concentration and inappropriate comments he would make! 

    However over the last year it has got progressivly worse.  When i was pregnant, he was over the moon and would wrap me up in cotton wall, however as the pregnancy progressed the more nervous he got and the more outbursts he would have.  We went to the docs to try and get him some help, ie get put on his mediciation again or see a councellor, however they just gave him depression tablets and that was it!  I have since had my baby boy and he is now 6months old.  My husband totally adores him and loves him so very much, but he just cant deal with him, when hes crying or screaming, and sometimes shows no interest in him at all! When hes crying he would rather watch tv than pick him up and sooth him.  It came to ahead last week, when i was trying to calm him down after an argument with my sister, however he got slightly violent with me and slapped me on my arm!  He has never never done this before and immediatly appologised, but i wasnt having any of it and threw my rings at him, telling him to get out, he then took our son and walked out (normally he will just go for a walk and calm down and i normally just let him)  however he has out son and the mood he was in i didnt want him to hurt our son, so i followed him, this just wound him up even more, and i was aware of this, but kept following me, he then pinned me against the wall by my jaw and told me to leave him allone.  I knew then i had pushed him too far and walked off!  He came back after 5 mins, however when he came back he dumped our son on the bed went into the kitchen and started taking tablets with allchole and cutting up his arm, and smashing glasses everywhere.

    I told him he needs to get help, and i will support him if he does, as i know hes not well! so i went to try and book an appointment with the doc today to try and get him some help and he refused! 

    Im at my wits end, and i dont know what to do to help him!  I know hes not well and im willing to help him, but if he doesnt want to get help, then im scare of what he will do next to me or even our son.

    Please help me! and suggestions would be appreciated xx

  • Do people usually build up a tolerance to ADD meds? by: Sueann 14 years 12 months ago

    My husband is diagnosed with ADD and depression. He's been taking the same anti-depressant for years successfully. Then we realized he has ADD too, and found him a doctor to prescribe ADD meds.

    Strattera made him so depressed he was suicidal and refused to go to work. Withdrawal was even worse. He did well on Vyvanse for a while, then symptoms came back. Ritalin and Adderall made him jerk and shake to the point he had several falls. He's been on Concerta now for nearly a year and it made him shake but somewhat less. He takes another drug to help with the shaking. But I'm seeing things that suggest to me that Concerta is also losing effectiveness and he finally admitted they are noticing the same things at work. Thiis is complicated by the fact that he discontinured counseling at the university AD/HD clinic he was going to (he said the young student he was seeing didn't have any more ideas for him) and therefore has no access to the doctor who was prescribing his meds.

    My question is: Is it typical for an ADD med to "wear off" after a while, so that you have to keep changing them? What else is there for him? People at work (he works in mental health, so they all know a lot of "shrinks") have been suggesting different doctors for him to go to. There are no neuropsychiatrists within 100 miles of here. How do you pick someone to go to? And how can they prescribe for him when he builds up tolerance to all the medications, or has other devastating side effects?

     

  • HELP! Can't take husband's toxic "cycle" anymore by: Bitanonymous 15 years 1 day ago

    I am beyond exhausted and I don't know what to do. My ADD husband* falls into an awful "cycle" or "pattern" whenever I have needs. It goes something like this:


    1. Wife does too much.** She gets exhausted, overwhelmed, and overworked.
    2. Wife reaches out to husband for help, but Husband becomes defensive and feels "accused."
    3. Husband tries to "help" by defending and explaining himself. Husband may lash out and "runs away" and goes missing for a few days.
    4. Husband knows that he is "expected" apologize, but only does so after explaining his point of view ad nauseum. Instead of apologizing, Husband lectures Wife for three hours straight and becomes furious when "interrputed."
    5. Wife gives up on her needs or accepts whatever "breadcrumbs" Husband offers . . . until next time.

     

    RESULT?

     

    Wife is worse off than ever before. And she's angry because:


    - Wife's original need to feel supported is never met. Now Wife is MORE overwhelmed -- especially when husband is missing and creates chaos.
    - Husband's apparent lack of empathy and inability to be sensitive is very hurtful.
    - Husband's tendency to focus on his needs and feelings is also hurtful.
    - Even though she's exhausted, Wife has to GIVE MORE (listening, patience, understanding) in order to get what she should have gotten without question in the beginning -- a little love and understanding. Unless she jumps through the necessary hoops, Wife gets nothing.

     

    I've been seeing a therapist and I finally decided that I can't deal with the constant emotional chaos. How awful is it when you tell your husband, "hey, I'm having a hard time, can you please put your arm around me and make me feel better?" but he responds with volatility and unkindness?

    I coach him, lead him, scaffold . . . do whatever I can to make it easy for him to step up to the plate. I take him by the hand, lovingly, look into his eyes, and tell him how much I'm hurting. Then, as soon as I'm vulnerable, open, willing to try anything to save our relationship, he intentionally picks at me or puts me down to hurt me. It's so cruel.

    Today I told him that I'd "had it," and that I'm planning to leave. We agree to talk before I pack my things and go. But THEN he throws another wrench in things by inviting his daughter over! And we've been fighting NON STOP for three days. I'm about to get on a plane and go to my parents' house, but he plans to bring the kid over so she can be right in the middle of the dispute! Tell me that wasn't intentional!

    I tell him that it's very inconsiderate and "not a good decision." Then he lashes out more and more and more and more . . . 

    I am so, so, so, exhausted by this cycle. I suppose that if I just shut my mouth and never ask for anything, it would keep the peace. But I can't life that way. I have to stand my ground and get the love and care that I deserve.

    Help!!!

     

    NOTE:

    * Husband sees two therapists and is medicated.

    ** I take care of my stepdaughter, clean, cook, do the bills, drive, shop for food, do the taxes (he's behind, of course), help the kid with homework, liaise with teachers, help the husband with his homework, run the errands, clean the house, care for sick family members . . .

  • Need Help with Understanding by: blueeyes81 15 years 2 days ago

    I'm new to this site and am looking for some other perspectives I guess. This is going to turn out to be very long so I apologize in advance. I was diagnosed with ADD about 2 years ago. I started taking medication and was going to counseling with a therapist who specializes in the disorder. When I was first diagnosed, my husband was deployed. When he returned home a few months later I became pregnant with our daughter. Because of the pregnancy, I was taken off of my meds and have yet to go back on. I have been nursing my daughter and didn't think I could go back on. Since going off of the meds I have lost all progress I had made. My relationship with my husband is severely damaged because of the issues I face. I have done some research and have an appointment to see the doctor and hopefully get put back on the medication to help get me back on the right track.

    Here is what I'm looking to get perspective on: what is due to the ADD and what is due to my own personal issues/shortcomings? Until I can define what is what, I'm not sure I can properly address the issues and get my marriage to a place where we can both be happy and satisfied. My poor husband's heart has been broken so many times by me. I don't mean to hurt him. I do in fact love my husband very much and feel very blessed to be married to him, but I am at the brink of losing him and my daughter if I can't get this under control.

    Here is some history: Growing up there, of course, were family issues. My parents divorced when I was 6, mom married an abusive drug addict, dad was rarely around for us. My husband also had a dysfunctional family-his parents were "together" but never had a functional relationship and they finally divorced a few years ago. My husband and I have always struggled with communication. I have a difficult time 1)knowing what I feel/think, 2) feel an overpowering sense of fear (fear of rejection primarily). When my husband tries to discuss an issue with me, regardless of HOW he approaches me, it's rare that I can stay with him. I usually go on the defensive pretty quick and cannot follow what he is really saying. When the conversation is over, if not immediately, within a day or two, it's gone from my mind exactly what we talked about. I remember having the conversation, I remember the tone of the conversation, I just don't remember WHAT the conversation was (or will only remember bits and pieces). I often don't remember to tell my husband things that may have happened in my day, whether it be something mundane or important. In general, I just don't know what to say to him at all. We usually end up just sitting down and watching TV all night. If we do talk, it's usually about our daughter. I have recently become a stay at home mom so I don't really find a lot to talk about with him anyway (though really I had the same trouble when I was working full time). My husband has a very demanding job in the military (he is a deputy commander) but I don't really know how to show that I care about his job when talking with him or seem to have any real understanding of what he goes through. I seem to have a lack of empathy. My thought on this is that I don't often understand how I feel so how can I understand someone else's perspective? Is this common with ADD or another issue?

    I struggle with organization and things of that nature as well but am finding ways to cope with that (such as list making). My biggest problem is communication by far. This struggle is evident in all of my relationships, but the one affected the most, of course, is my marriage. I want my husband to know that I love him and care about him, that our marriage is important to me. I have failed up to this point in showing that. I can't fail again. He understands the struggles I have with ADD and is willing to work with me. His anger and frustration stems from the fact he doesn't see me working to get better. I often think that I am making an effort but it's rarely the right kind of effort or amount of effort.

    Any other ADDers have the same kind of issues? What have you found that works to help you improve? Non-ADDers. what has your ADD spouse done that had the biggest impact on you, showing you they do in fact care and are honestly trying to improve?

  • ALCOHOL by: madeyoulaff65 15 years 2 days ago

    Not sure if this topic should go in this forum or not.......Anyway, if it needs to be moved I guess it will be.....

    So I was wondering if anyone has heard of a higher sensitivity to drinking alcohol.  I am an ADHD female and have noticed especially since I have been in my 40s that my tolerance for alcohol seems to be going down.  Used to be I could drink up to 3/4 of a bottle of Red Wine and still be coherent and functioning perfectly, now it seems that I get very tipsy really easily.  I can barely get through a couple of glasses and then I almost become incoherent.  Not drunk so much as just really sleepy and DOPEY......always saying things that are a bit inappropriate.  Not mean, but construed as the wrong thing to say.  Causes many misunderstandings because I seem to say things that just come out wrong............and then even though I didn't "mean" it as it was taken, I can't seem to back pedal my way out of it...........this is causing a bit of tension in some of my relationships.  Anyone else have experience with this themselves or dealing with someone like me???

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