Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Tired of feeling out of control by: Daniel 14 years 11 months ago

    I have been in therapy for over six months after getting busted for lying to my wife (of nearly 8 years) about my pornography use and nearly ruining my marriage.  Again.  In therapy, I discovered that I likely have ADD.  My therapist seems to think I'm on the cusp, though, and not hyper, and so doesn't want to recommend medication, especially since I haven't used pornography once in over seven months.  My physician, as well, is hesitant to prescribe meds since they are a controlled substance I would be taking for the rest of my life.  

    The problem is that I still get so overwhelmed over such dumb stuff, and I can't really afford for that to be happening, since I need to be rebuilding a marriage right now.  Sometimes I feel like I can see myself losing control, and try as I might (and I do, I swear I do) to take responsibility and rectify the situation, it gets all screwed up and WAY worse really quick.  

    Tonight, for instance, I was supposed to make dinner for my wife while she studied.  The recipe was easy enough, and we had all the ingredients, but the house (and especially the kitchen) was a mess, and I quickly became overwhelmed.  Knowing that I couldn't really do this, that there wasn't room for me to lose it, I tried to stay cool, to just kind of take it on and keep it together, even thinking, okay, maybe I'll have a beer while I cook, that should help keep everything mellow.  But no, and I couldn't even piece it together to explain it now, but we argued, she packed her things up to go to school, I groveled, she got in the car, I texted her that I was done and would be better and please stay, she drove off, and I threw my phone.  And broke it. 

    This is not how I want to be.  Duh.  And I don't even feel like I know what's going on, and I really don't want to make excuses or hide behind anything, but I feel like this is happening way too often and it's scary and I hate it.  Is it ADD?  Anxiety?  Why do I get so angry?  Why can't I get anybody to just medicate me so I can try to rebuild my life and my marriage?  I mean, I like my therapist - he's the one who noticed the ADD and had me read Hallowell's book in the first place, so it's confusing.  

    I guess I'm feeling pretty helpless right now.  I don't want to lose my wife - and I want to be a dad someday, but not like this.

     

  • Tags for Forum Participants with ADHD by: Nettie 14 years 11 months ago

    As you've read me whining more than enough, sometimes it's difficult for people with ADHD traits to read through long posts. Also, there are a lot of non-ADHDer posts, and it's sometimes difficult finding the ones from/for those of us with ADHD. So, to help readers like me who have ADHD, I've created a delicious account for the purpose of tagging comments from the ADHD folks. I'll probably add other helpful links also, but for now, I'm going to, as I read them (and when I remember to), tag the comments from the ADHD crowd as "addie" (my husband is an aspie, so I'm going to be an addie). The delicious.com account is /addieresource. Suggestions are welcome!

  • Husband has "rules" that drive me nuts by: Sueann 14 years 11 months ago

    My husband makes up rules that drive me nuts. They mostly seem convenient to him.

    For example, one day he called and left me a message that he was really hungry and hadn't had lunch. I took that to mean he wanted me to cook dinner and have it ready when he came home. No problem. But when he actually got home I was in the middle of dealing with 2 dishes and asked him to start the vegetable. He said "Not now, I"m in the middle of a game." Now, to me, there aren't any consequences for a paused or abandoned solitaire game. I said "Do you want the vegetables after we've eaten the rest of the dinner?" and he didn't answer me. I was violating the rules by expecting household tasks to be more important than computer solitaire.

    There are things I can not do because I have physical problems. For example, I can't get up the ladder to the attic. But he says he can't go there at night because it has no light (It's May and it's not dark until after 8 o'clock) and on the weekend he "wants to relax." So our winter clothes are still in the closet and I can't hang up the summer clothes, so we're dressing out of the dryer.

    The rule seems to be, "I'm too tired to do anything in the house after I come home" which of course, means I am expected to do it all. Then on weekends, it's "I want to have fun on the weekend" which means doing something outside of the house and not tackling any household tasks. When is it I can expect any help from him? It is painful for me to walk. Why am I expected to do all the housework and even mow the lawn? Mowing the lawn doesn't fit into the "rules" about when I can expect help around the house. The same rules apply to when we can discuss the problem, apparently never.

    He says it's not because of the ADD, but just because we are both slobs. But he makes up these rules that make it sound like 10 minutes of helping every other week would be too much. I don't have the alternative of doing it all myself and his rules don't allow him to do it, or even discuss it. We don't have the money to hire someone to put the out-of-season clothes in the attic, and we live in a rented house so I can't make bigger closets.

    So how to I get any help from him?

  • communication difficulties leave me feeling left out of a busy mind by: cdatheg 14 years 11 months ago

    I am not actually married but I love my partner very much and I want her to be well. 

    I believe that everyone is on a sort of spectrum when it comes to ADHD or ADD. I have attention deficite problems myself and I think our societies functions, demands, and expectations create this kind of behavior in everyone to a degree.

    Anyway, my issue is that my partner in my mind functions very well in some areas. She makes a decent living and she has a credible career, especially for being quite young.  We have been together for a year and I've noticed that when it comes to engagements she has, especially with her job that involve scheduling, traveling, important landmarks in her life and in her job, she often ends up disclosing a lot of those important one on one conversation topics in public with friends, or with complete strangers. And I don't ever recall her communicating these things to me prior, when I really believe they should be shared with me at some point of reasonable time. 

    I then feel very left out and un important. I often wonder am I not engaging her right or asking the right questions or listening well enough.  We've talked about it and she identifies with the issue as she forgets she thinks she has told me , something but perhaps that was in her head.  I mentioned to her at one point that I think she has ADHD, and she wasn't upset but had some disbelief.  I think she has ADHD  because of the way she has great difficulty with cohesive conversations, organization, she is very easily distracted and I've noticed this and when we speak and she literally looks off and stares at puppies playing its like she is totally transfixed and I could be talking about my dreams aspirations or a very bad day.  I've just dealt with it but there are other avenues of this behavioral issue that are hitting me too hard.  She doesn't think she has it but I am pretty positive its affecting her career and our relationship.

    I don't know what to do I've expressed my concern with her and she knows I feel this way. I feel so embarrassed and estranged to her when these things occur.  I don't feel as if I'm an integral part of her life.  

     

    Can anyone relate?

  • Non-ADD spouse upset over lack of response to intimacy by: kapowsin 14 years 11 months ago

    I'm not sure how we got in this very difficult pattern, but my non-Add husband is completely frustrated with me over my lack of response to sexual intimacy.  Historically I was always the one to worry about the level of sexual contact or physical response, but it seems now that my husband is keeping score.  He is responding negatively to my "missing" the cues and is mad when I don't respond enthusiastically enough to him.  For example, yesterday I returned home at 12:00 midnight after supervising 34-8th graders on a weeklong class trip.  When I didn't jump in bed and grab him for a long passionate kiss I was "in trouble."  This pattern happens daily.  I'm not responding and he gets mad.  There is so much more to the story, but in short, I am feeling hurt, inadequate, and frankly depressed and tears come often.  I love my husband very much, but I regularly fall short.  I'm a teacher with a two hour daily commute, and a mother to two teen sons who struggle in school, and I'm not being sexual enough.  It's tearing me up.  What have others done to deal with this? 

     

  • Need Help Bringing My Wife Back to the Point by: Hoping4More 14 years 11 months ago

    My wife called me at work today (she hardly ever does that) feeling very bad because she was "reprimanded" by her boss for being unprofessional at a meeting last night.  He also told her she was too dominating (meaning she talked way too much).  She talked about how she knows I have been saying that to her, and that she must be getting worse with age because now her boss is saying it to her.  She was feeling really bad, and I started out being very empthetic, saying things like "That sucks" and "You must be feeling really bad about that."  I also asked her "What can I do to help?"  and she said "You are doing it."  THEN, she started going into details of what she said and did, and then even more detail about the content of the meeting that really had nothing to do with what she was saying at the beginning of the conversation.  She talked non-stop for awhile, and all I could think was "I really don't need to hear all these details."  "She's gotten way off topic from the reason she called."  "She's really gotten away from expressing her feelings."  Things like that.  At that point - there was nothing she was saying that I could grab ahold of to comment on, or reflect back, to get her bak on topic.  So I ended up saying something like "You seem to have getting off topic."  And she did get back to her point, but it felt very awkward to me.  I wonder if there is something else I might have said. 

  • Watching him work miracles... for others. by: Sparkle 14 years 11 months ago

    I'm frustrated and fuming a bit.

     

    My fiance has a very, very hard time "coming through" for me in ordinary times.  He can't be counted on.  I've been so let down by him at times that I just feel like I don't have a true partner.  We've argued about this, talked about it lovingly during good times, plotted and planned to get things to work and yet it just doesn't happen consistently. 

     



    One of his best friends is a raging alcoholic and has become increasingly dangerous (drunk driving, passing out behind the wheel, letting things catch fire on the stove and the fires spread, etc).  Of course someone needs to step in and do something about this man, help him somehow, stage an intervention or similar.

     


    In steps my fiance - the man who can't show up on time, remember the one thing he was sent to the store for (but arrive home with $386 of other things), who can't be trusted to pick my child up on time after school, who gets annoyed at me for being "stressed" because life just isn't that stressful --- this very same man upon realizing his alcoholic friend needs help, just spent the last 6 hours on the phone with alcohol rehab centers, interventionists, therapists and friends arranging an intervention and a drying out program.  He investigated every last detail.  He planned far ahead (unheard of!!), he paid attention to detail, he worked out specifics, he took notes on numbers and meeting times and costs.  All of the things I've come to accept he is "not capable of".  He did all of these things.

     

    I know, because I've read, that the rush of adrenaline in an emergency situation can cause ADDers to snap into focus.  To them it's like lifting a car off a child trapped underneath when 5 minutes before the accident you were a weakling. I get it, intellectually.  But emotionally.... I'm so hurt and frustrated.  He CAN do these things.  I feel somehow like he doesn't care enough to do them regularly - for me, for my child, for our pets, for our home - but when the mood strikes him, off he goes as a normal, functioning adult.  Would he EVER do such things for me?  Would it take me driving drunk and killing my liver and burning the house down for him to show that same level of attention and commitment to me?? 

     


    As I said, I get it intellectually.  But in my heart I feel so let down by him.  I feel tricked and deceived for all the times I've made excuses to myself for him.  For the times I've told family and friends "it's not that he's lazy, he simply CAN'T do these things...".  I feel sick watching him "come through" for someone else (although I'm also proud, and I'm also relieved that he's helping someone so desperately in need, don't get me wrong...).  I want that for myself, too.  In ordinary times.

     

  • Why do non-ADD/ADHD spouses stay in ADD/ADHD relationships? by: thrsaleigh 14 years 11 months ago

    I have visited this site many many times and have read so many of the posts and blogs on ADD/ADHD marriages.  I am in a marriage with a man that has ADHD and refuses treatment or even to recognize that he has it.  All of the problems in our marriage somehow are my fault, he has led us down a very precarious road financially, and I am the one who shoulders most of the responsibility in our family.  I am exhausted, angry, bitter, sad, lonely, etc., etc.  My childhood dreams of marriage and family are shattered.  With the exception of our two beautiful children that are a mix of my husband's creative, energetic side and my practical, sweet natured side I have nothing positive to say about our marriage of 6 years. 

    My ever present question is, why do I stay?!?  Why do other people stay in non-ADD/ADHD and ADD/ADHD relationships where you never know what to expect, where you not only parent your children but parent your spouse, where you go to bed at night either feeling so completely exhausted from the day's roller coaster ride or you just feel so alone even when your partner might be lying right there beside of you.

    I read all of these posts where people are so torn and so broken by the behaviors of their ADD/ADHD partner and while I gain solace from those posts, it also breaks my heart because I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT A LIFE THIS IS! 

    Why do we stay????  And is there anyone out there that has really learned to not only just survive this situation but overcome it and thrive?!?

  • Husband Didn't Acknowledge Mothers Day...at all by: gratitudeiskey 14 years 11 months ago

    Hi everyone:

     

    Well, we’ve been doing so well…my husband and I…and then, yesterday happened.  I know it shouldn’t have thrown me like it did but I we’ve been making so much progress that I thought …well, I guess I just thought THIS day would be different.

     

    I am a mother.  One of the best mothers I know.  I wear that as a badge of honor because being a present, engaged, good mother is the most difficult jobs on the face of the earth.  Especially when you work and you also have spent WAY too many hours mothering the adult in your house.  Granted, I have dropped off of the mothering role for my husband tremendously but there’s still a bit of it there.

     

    Yesterday, I had planned a family dinner at our house and invited my family.  Husband was very much on boards with this.  We had a terrific ADHD coaching session on Saturday and I went to sleep excited about Sunday being mothers day. My 4 year old daughter woke up first (she’s our only) and he didn’t stir when she asked for b-fast and such.  So, I thought, ok no big deal, I have lots to do to prepare for dinner tonight so I will get up with her and just start my day.  That was at 6:30am.  I then did 3 loads of laundry, helped her make a necklace, took a shower and played three games with her.  Finally, my husband stired to turn on the TV and become engrossed in Formula 1 racing.  He never said good morning let alone Happy Mothers day.  Cut to the chase, I ended up taking my Daughter with me shopping and as I was leaving was deliberately leaving without saying goodbye.  He “called” me on this and I walked over to him in bed and calmly said, through tears spilling down my cheeks, I don’t want to hug or kiss you right now because it’s inconceivable that I haven’t even gotten so much as a Happy Mothers Day out of you this morning.  We’re leaving, we’ll be back later”.  He said “I’m sorry, Happy Mothers Day”. 

     

    In bed at 10:30 I still hoped there was something coming (such a stupid idiot I am) and when he rolled over to go to sleep I realized that there really was nothing…not from him..not something he and Daughter went to buy for me…NOTHING.  I flipped out.  I don’t mean screaming and throwing things but I cried harder than I have ever cried in my entire adult life.  I almost hyperventilated.  He was defensive at first but finally just let me lay it all out and all I kept hearing was “sorry” from him.  I believe he meant it.  But he also just kept saying that he has no idea why he does this…why he can’t seem to do for me what he knows would give me happiness.  He said he loves me but he just “forgets”.  He said it’s not intentional and hopes that I can forgive him yet again.  

     

    My eyes are so swollen that I lied to a co=worker when she asked me what was wrong with my eyes today and I said it was allergies.  I am doing my best to not let this fester and to just get on with getting on but this is REALLY hard.  Please give me some words of comfort or advice.  I know that this is my life with him.  I know he has made some HUGE steps in our marriage and personally accepting and actively working on living with his ADHD.  I am doing the best I can trying to be patient and loving but days like yesterday are just simply almost more than I can bare.  I just pray that I’m only a few of us on this board that had to endure a day like yesterday.

     

    GB

  • Ginkgo by: jules 14 years 11 months ago

    Does anyone have advice on Ginkgo as a supplementary treatment?  Some of the posts on this blog mention it, and I recall reading something about it briefly on an ADD newsletter I get, but haven't been able to find anything of substance.  Web searches only really yield info on general memory enhancement and dementia (maybe the non-ADD spouses need to take it LOL!) and I haven't really found anything specifically related to ADD.  My husband takes 18mg Concerta, and I'd like to hear any stories from people on this blog on their experiences.

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