So as a 23 year old male with ADHD i read some of these posts and notice that it seems some ADHD men have a low sex drive. Here is a question i have i have a very very high sex drive. i know im a 23 year old male but. My sex drive is defenitally above average to the point of annoyence. And my poor wife thinks its unbeliveable and is not sure what to do about it. i was diagnosed with ADHD when i was 8 i was on ridlin for years and in my teen years 18 i tried straterra. i stoped and for the past few years have told my self i have growen out of ADHD. But that is not the case in fact in the past 2-3 weeks my ADHD has been more prevelent in my daily life then it has been sience i can remember. maybe due to very recent and very big changes in my life. Is ADHD a reason behind my outragesouly high sex drive?? And whats everyones stance on Nuerofeedback for ADHD?
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- adhd and sex/relasonships by: firerescue 16 years 3 months ago
- Resources in Germany? by: hepshiba 16 years 3 months ago
Hi. I'm married to a 30 year old man who has been diagnosed with depression and ADD. We live in Germany; he's a German citizen and I'm from the U.S. We've known each other three years and been married for two, and we have a really strong relationship, though of course the ADD makes things interesting at times.
Because adult ADD is pretty widely recognized and treated in the U.S., I was really appalled to find out that Germany simply doesn't recognize its existence. This means that the condition is neither diagnosed nor treated officially within the (otherwise remarkably good) state health care system. There are a few psychologists who recognize and diagnose the condition "under the table", but there isn't much one can do with the diagnosis except try medication under the cover of some other illness (like, for instance, depression, from which my husband actually suffers.) His psychologist (who diagnosed and believes in the condition) referred him to a psychiatrist (who seems dubious), but she did put him on 60 mg of Cymbalta (duloxetine) daily, and that has made an incredible improvement in his ability to concentrate, and in his overall happiness level over the last year. But he still feels there's a lot more room for improvement.
What would be really, really helpful would be if we could find a psychiatrist in Germany (preferably in Berlin) who is involved in treatment and research about adult ADD. So I'm wondeing if anyone has any German contacts. My husband is equally fluent in German, English and Russian, so a practitioner who operated in any of those languages would be fine.
My husband is extremely high-functioning, a brilliant computer programmer and project manager at work, but at home he has many of the same problems that so many people with ADD face -- inability to organize himself, inability to remember conversations even we if had them yesterday, incredibly distractibility, periodic hypersensititivity to sound and touch, moments of pahic when he can't find obvious anwers, instantaneous flip-flops between being very argumentative and very loving, low self-esteem, and so on. But we work very well as a couple and most of it is manageable. We just both see a lot of room for growth, especially if he can find an appropriate therapist/psychiatrist. So, any suggestions are welcome.
Kay
- OMG! I feel like a dirty old penny. by: bersa_lady 16 years 3 months ago
Here we go. I'm still newly married (I guess), just over one year. My husband is a good man, but COMPLETELY inattentive when he wants to be. This site has made me step back and wonder, for the first time in a little while, if it's just the ADD but good Lord I am about to lose it! We work complete opposite schedules, so on Friday and Saturday nights, I generally stay up as long as it takes to wait for him. Last night, I passed out on the couch while he was out on his "new adventure". He's building a blind in a tree right now, with his brother, so last night he decided to go outside (yes, after midnight!) and play in his tree. So, I was out like a light when he got in. I just couldn't stay up anymore. So I get up today, and soon after, he's off to work. I talked to him once tonight for 3 minutes, and he used to call me all the time. He got home and I got a half kiss, a distant hug, and some flowers. :) I DID get flowers. Then he laid on the floor for 5 full minutes to play with our puppy. Off to the computer. He did his Fantasy league thing or whatnot for oh, I'd say at least 30 minutes. Then, he gets done, says he's tired, and he's ready to go to bed! HELLO!!! Am I the ONLY one who sees something very wrong with this picture? I considered getting MLB tattooed on my forehead, but realizing how painful that may be, I considered laying on the floor and looking up at him with my big blue eyes, and seeing if it worked for me like it does for the dog. But he's sooo tired. I bite my lip. Off to the bathroom he goes, and 10 minutes later, he's still standing in front of the mirror picking at his face. He has almost PERFECT skin, which one week a month (if you catch my drift) really makes me ill - because he picks at it all the time. So - we have 5 minutes with the dog, 20 - 30 with the computer, 10 on himself (and counting) and 2 on me. Then when I was talking to him tonight, I had to ask three times "did you hear me?" because I got no acknowledgement. Then he has the gonads to look at me like I'm getting on his nerves. This is not the first time. When we were dating, he was all about me. We spent time together and had fun together, and now I can't get him to take his face out of that STUPID computer. I don't know whether I should cry, or cut my legs off. Maybe if I lose my feet, I'll be like a shiny new penny again. Yep - I can understand anger, resentment and frustration. Any advice???
- Support for non-add spouse by: outdoorsgirl1974 16 years 3 months ago
In seeing a lot of frustration throughout the comments....I thought it might be good to hear some thoughts from people on what they can do as the non-add partner,to help allieviate the frustrations we experience with the ADD partner.There is a lot on certain situations or how to help the ADD person,but how about personal coping mechanisms for peace.Not anything about negatives or positives of ADD,but more of a personal approach in handling the emotional part of it.I realize how easy it is to get caught up in changing/helping/mothering/nagging/preaching,etc,etc towards the ADD person.Along with consistently trying to be patient,understanding,helpful,hopeful,positive,etc,etc.In other words..all the emotions.It gets down right exhausting.A roller coaster of emotions.
To get started,here are some suggestions that have helped me.I hope to hear some others.I find when it all gets too much and you feel like your going crazy...you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.You are of no good to your partner if you aren't happy yourself.My ADD partner has helped me to realize this actually.Everytime I would bring up yet another ADD thing...he would come back at me and say..."Your also not happy either and have your own issues!"Ya know what...he was right.That was a hard comment for me to swallow and for a long time,yet something that being in a relationship with an ADD person will do...is mirror your own issues!!Gauranteed! You certainly are forced to push through your own stuff,whether you want to or not.I think because of all the feelings that go with what we go through day in and day out,you can't not face your own personal struggles.Make sense?I think also as women...we can carry some self esteem issues,control issues,co-dependant issues,etc that contribute to the struggles of the relationship.I may be stepping on toes here or causing upset with my own gender,but I am speaking from personal experience on how I have had to take a look at me too and not always blame them.
First off,in all honesty...sometimes all the focus and push to "educate yourself as much as you can about ADD!" Frankly sometimes it can be all out depressing to do that.I have found when I read these ADD books..I get more mad and depressed.Yes I read the positives about it too...but I need to put a time limit on it and not focus or obsess about ADD.I think as the frustrated partner...you tell yourself all the time..."If it weren't for you having ADD,we wouldn't have these problems,so as soon as your fixed..things will be fine."Truth be told..I think we all think that at some point.Sometimes for the sanity of everyone...it just needs a break.I was always suggesting books,counseling,medication,etc. and it just drove him away.Granted I wasn't using the right approach,but my emotions were in the way!
I started by loosing sleep at night.Everynight...getting only three to four hours of sleep because the wheels just kept turning on how to make my relationship better.In case you haven't figured out by reading...yes I would be called very codependant!This I know.So I started by sleeping in a separate bedroom from him.That helped a lot.Also make sure you do things for yourself and by yourself.It is so easy to pick up the phone and complain to friends and loved ones."Guess what my ADD partner did today!?"At the end of the conversation..you really don't feel all that better about it and maybe even feel bad because you ripped all over him to your friends and then are left feeling guilty anyway.They just get tired of hearing about it and tell you to leave him or find someone else.(Depending on how supportive they are...they may not say that and just listen to you vent.)Unless you deal with your frustrations on a very personal level...you never really deal with the emotions.
It helps to talk to a counselour for yourself.If your a spiritual person...go to church or talk with your pastor.I really like exercise!I am a big hiker in the woods.Walks,ride a bike,walk your dog,ride a horse.I find that when you exercise,some of the things that the ADD partner does...suddenly don't bother you as much anymore because your mentally and physically in a better place.Seriously...it has helped me.Massages,take a bath,go to a hot springs,get a hottub,soft music,watch the birds,read a book not on ADD,visit friends but vow not to talk about your ADD spouse,start a new hobby,make some new friends,volunteer.They say that helping others makes your own troubles not look so bad.
Also I think it is safe to say that we always feel that we have to be kind,patient and understanding of our ADD spouse.You know what...it is OK to allow yourself to be angry about it.Just do it properly.That is why a trusted counselour is soo helpful.We always hear and make ourselves feel that we are not being patient enough..."be more patient of him/her..after all they have ADD!"I tell ya what..I am a nanny of twins and when I come home...my patience card is all wore out.I watch kids all day.I don't want to come home and watch another kid.I know you stay at home mothers and people with kids feel the same way.So allow yourself those real feelings to come out..just not at your partner.
I think just getting grounded sometimes helps you to not loose control.Ever feel like something has just got to give?I do and it can be scary.Be kind to yourself,your dealing with a lot!Not everyone can do this job that god has given us.Sometimes I feel pretty proud of myself that I can deal with it as well as I do.I know a lot of my girlfriends would have been gone a long time ago!So take pride in that you do deal with it.
The stress and anger has to have an outlet.That is why I exercise.The relaxation of mind has to be there so I happen to be a big hottub fan.I am a spiritual person,so go to church and also read self help books,etc.You have to eat right and have a good diet.Take vitamins.I am really finding out you have to be "in shape" in mind and body so to speak to deal with what we deal with on a daily basis.Ever feel like it takes a true counselour to be partners to these people?I do.
If nothing else...you will find it easier to deal with the issues that come up.You will be a better partner in soo many ways.Your ADD partner will respect you more and maybe actually start to want to get help and change themselves if they see the focus isn't all on them.Again...coming from experience.
Once your in a better place and your partner likes you again.Something that helped clean the slate for us was to get back to doing something fun together.Our counselour suggested that each of us write on a piece of paper five to ten things that we could do together,that we had NOT done together before.Think outside the box.It was really fun and really helped bring some new hobbies in our relationship.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the daily grind and cycle that it all just needs to come to a screeching halt.Sadly enough sometimes divorces happen when they may not need to.Relationships may end when they don't have to.At least if you know you took care of yourself throughout it all,you will have still left with yourself and your self esteem.Failed relationships are hard enough,but if you do choose to leave knowing you did all you could in a healthy way...it makes ending the relationship a litlle easier.
So have outlets,get your mind off of ADD and remember that it is OK to feel your own feelings too.Those I believe are the things that will help greatly in clearing the road to see the positives of ADD.You have to work through the negatives to see what the positives even are.They are there,you just can't always see them clearly when your upset...and rightly so.
Good luck and may peace be with us ALL!
- The struggle to mentally coach quietly while wrestling with feelings of failure, depression and frustration by: minkpillow 16 years 3 months ago
Hello,
I am 39 yrs. old with an off the chart ADHD diagnosis I received almost three years ago. To add to the struggle, I also have a slight manic aspect to it all. After a few trial and errors, I am on Concerta and Trileptal with very good results.
It's been a long journey just to get my life moving outside of the same cycles and routines. I feel like I've lived a million lives since I was four. People are shocked that I've been saying and doing the same thing since I was four...an artist whose been working on the same art installation. Each art project gets bigger and more complex each time I learn a new creative field. I scare myself as I know I will absorb anything that operates in a process or system with fervor. I will obsess visually as I link the patterns before me. Then I will connect it all and incorporate it into my art.
At 36, when I started to refer to everything...even people as, "components" to x,y or z system and couldn't stop my mind from racing to connect and link everything I knew there was something seriously wrong. I started to feel like a machine and going crazy. I couldn't see people anymore just patterns of behavior. I couldn't feel anything just stimulation at the time and days later processing what it meant. I was operating on two brain platforms and could not connect the dots which just led the manic behavior to accelerate.
When I was diagnosed it was one of the best days of my life and my mom's. I was very lucky that I survived because I've been in some of the scariest situations in various parts of the world without ever realizing the danger or risk. I always viewed myself as a traditional woman and was so confused and upset by people's perceptions and treatment of me and my own failure to not have any insight into it.
I've struggled through my whole treatment process; med's, psychiatrist, coaches, support system and moved forward with a healthy and wonderful relationship with a man who has ADD and a complete supportive understanding of what I face day to day. Just when I started to put my life together my boyfriend took a job in Hong Kong and we moved in together.
So I'm in Hong Kong having to start over and find a job, a new psychiatrist, routine while maintaining my old and new relationships.
The point of this email is to ask how can women deal with the guilt associated with making choices that aggravates ones condition where you have to rebuild your structure and opening up those wounds of dealing with your ADHD? I see that I'm dealing with the same "misperceptions" about who I really am. People in job interviews don't know "where I would fit in", "overly talented", "intimidating" because I'm "so diverse" as I've had a new job every two years specializing in a new field of operations. Then you have your social exchanges where you are perceived as someone with "amazing energy", "so charismatic" a "force of nature" but the reality is I am really reserved, introverted, self-doubting etc.
I know the truth...I have to rev myself up mentally each day to get out of bed. Without my meds, sometimes I feel so depressed because I can't see my "purpose" laid out in front of me. I have to have goals which are my structure in my life or else I feel so bleak and frozen in numbness. I feel like I'm addicted to the stimulation if I don't manage myself. Every feeling of negativity that creeps in must come with a mental coaching to myself that this is a temporary feeling and I will feel differently when the meds kick in, I exercise and eat a balanced meal. But it's exhausting to have to manage the "Ferrari brain with Chevrolet brakes" as Dr. Hallowell stated.
Do you have advice for someone to stop exhausting herself with her own mental coaching and analysis of her own condition? I want to lighten up but I'm afraid that my life will fall apart if I don't pay attention. My boyfriend listens, comforts and has
so much patience but I'm afraid I will wear him out.
This condition is a ride of excessive highs and lows for me. If there is nothing for me to accomplish in a big picture, build it piece by piece...well I'm on the verge of tears and riddled with feelings of guilt for feeling this way when there is so much I could do without lead feet in my mind. But the feelings of failure are constant. At present I have no accomplishment "highs" to get me through so it feels like my ineptitude is never-ending.
Any advice or sharing understanding is appreciated. - How to act after a big fight? by: stella7 16 years 3 months ago
Hi, this is my second post. My husband has ADHD, we found out a couple of weeks after we married. He was tested but still refuses to accept it. He's not taking meds which makes it very hard to reason with him. My question is how do I act after a big fight? I'm asking because it seems like every approach I tried has failed. Before I knew he had ADHD I didn't understand his behaviour at all. So after yet another fight I gave him the silent treatment. That just made him angrier even if he was the one who did something wrong. I rarely burst into tears and when I do it's not guaranteed that it will melt him down either. Depends on his mood. He basically wants me to take the first step since in his mind i'm always the one that starts the fight (wrong tone of voice, daring to express criticism,...). It can start off by me saying something about him not doing or doing something and he takes it as far as treathening to divorce me or leave me, that he never should've married me, that he's tired of me,....Which takes a simple disagreement to a whole other level where it's not about the thing he forgot anymore but about him insulting me.
But of course since I started to conversation I'm responsible for whatever comes next. Ever since we met all he wanted was to have a baby with me. I hesitated at first cause we had already rushed into living together and marriage. After a year and a half, not planned, I get pregnant. He was estatic when I told him. Crying, laughing, screaming, rolling down on the floor, ...it was crazy to watch but he was happy and that was his way of showing it. First days were heaven. Soon the adhd began to kick in again and he fell back in his old ways. I really thought he would've treated me like a queen at least while carrying the child (first child for him) that he so desperately wanted but no...kept insulting me and screaming at me. Afte the first month i started losing blood, doc said I was at risk of losing the baby.
I told him that but even that didn't stop him. His ex girlfriend had an abortion when she was pregnant with his child and he never forgave her. Matter of fact that's the reason they split up. So I tell him I might lose him if I stress myself too much, he answers "I lost one I can lose two" I was baffled. I couldn't believe that even that didn't stop him. I left the house cause I was terrified to see that even his unborn child didn't have an effect on him. Couple of days later I lost the baby. He cried when he heard the news but I just felt nothing but resentment. I didn't believe his tears but I never let it show. I'm losing track of what the post was about in the first place. It's just that there are so many bad memories, so many painful fights, things he said and done. I know I need to let that go, forgive, but it's hard. I was I could say a magic word that would erase my past with him and start again with a clean and pure heart but that's impossible.
I'm not a stubborn person but I feel I give him too much power by being the first one who asks to talk after a fight. Can someone give me some advice as to what is the best approach?I must say I'm very thankful to have found this site. We're Italians living in Belgium and here there hasn't been much study done about adult adhd. It was even hard to find a doc that would/could diagnose him.
Anyway...thank you for "listening" I'm looking forward to your advice because this is the only place I can talk about this.
- My husband refuses to accept his ADHD by: stella7 16 years 3 months ago
When I met my husband he warned me that he at times is very "nervous". At the time I had no idea what that meant or what to expect. When you first notice that something is wrong with their behaviour you just laugh it off as stress from work or whatever. Until you start to see a pattern then you try to connect the dots. So I got online to look for answers. After yet another huge fight I dragged him to the doc who tested him and confirmed my suspiscion. I thought it would be a turning point for us but he only agreed to see her to make up for the huge fight we had. A week later after I had returned home he forgot all about what the doc said and refused to accept he was suffering from ADHD, saying it’s all in MY head. He claims I make it up to control and manipulate him.
He is in denial and is not willing to take meds or go to counceling. He links adhd to some kind of mental illness and his ego won't let him believe that he's not as perfect as he would like to be. I feel like i'm standing with my back against a wall in this marriage. I can't get through to him. In only two years so much has happened, he has ruined so many special occassions (like our wedding day) I'm sick of the verbal abuse, the yelling, the drama, the walking on egg shells but I'm not ready to give up on him yet. Might I mention we've been married for a year and a half and together for two years. I can't throw in the towel yet, there are a lot of good things too but unfortunately most of the time the negativity that surrounds him overclouds our relationship and lately..my feelings as well. He just doesn’t seem to be able to control himself, he yells, insults me, basically he’s very unreasonable. Me asking for technical information in a store is enough to set him on fire because when I ask for info in his presence I make him look lik a dumb and ignorant fool. If his collegue says he has to do most of the work he takes that as him saying that he’s a thief who’s getting paid for doing nothing.
You just can’t reason with him, he has a whole different mindset. Everything has to be about him, he needs to be reassured and praised. Nothing is ever his fault. God forbid you state your opinion, he hates criticiscm. I don’t even care so much about the fact that he doesn’t help me with anything it’s the verbal insulting and abuse that I can’t take. I need to be myself and I’m a very outspoken person, at least I was. I’m too confronting for him. He’s not used to people like that. Even a wrong tone of voice is enough to start a huge fight with me where he not only insults me but our relationship as well. A simple disagreement or misunderstanding leads to him questioning our marriage, expressing his regrets about being in a relationship with me, treathening to leave me. What’s worse is that he can’t even apologize for it, no cause it’s my fault, I said it in the “wrong way” so that justifies everything he said and did after that. He’s very defensive and everything I say he takes as an attack on him.
When we fight he deliberately tries to hurt me by coming home late. It’s predictable I know what to expect by now. It’s frustrating to know that you move heaven and earth on a daily base to keep them happy and calm yet to hide their own faults and defects they put all the blame on you for their behaviour. With his friends is the same thing. One day it’s his best friend, the next day he’s talking behind his back in a bad way. I had that two faced mentality. I don’t think two people should be alike in marriage, I don’t look for a clone but I would like to at least share the same morals and beliefs. Problem is constantly surrounded by people who don’t dare to go against him for various reasons. He is used of people keeping their mouth shut knowing how he will react.I know he loves me a lot, in his own way. He accepted my son like it were his own. And I know he would just die if I left him for good. He’s big hearted and on a good day a real darling. Unfortunately days that like are rare and amongst my married friends I feel like an outcast.
Even going to bed when he falls asleep on the couch and I can’t wake him up is reason enough to cuss me out, saying I left him there like a dog (?!?)I could go on and on…
Can someone out there give me some advice on how to avoid these arguments, how to deal with him without giving up too much of my own personality? Someone who has ADHD or is dealing with it in their marriage.
- On the brink of giving up by: lou lou 16 years 3 months ago
Hi all I am new here so please bare with me, I have been with my husband scince we were 13 and we had our first child at 14, we now have two children age 14 and 7, our 7 year old is deaf and disabled so as you can imagine life has not been easy for either of us. My husband was diagnosed with adult add after his mother recommended he saw the same doctor who diagnoised her, When he was diagnosed about 3 years ago it was, at first a relief to him and me and the medication seemed to help.. We went through some problems and saw a marriage counsellor and did split up for a while but seemed to have sorted things out, whilst we were seperated my husband stopped taking the medication saying that he felt better off it and has just recently begun taking it again. The problems I am having at the moment have been going on forever but i think Im just getting fed up of dealing with every thing alone I understand his add hinders him slightly but how do i know what is add and what is just him? I think he has become so used to the way he is I dont think he sees a way of changing I dont want to sound like im putting him down because I love him very much but just some friendly advice on what i could do would be of great help.
I suppose the biggest problem i have at the moment is his complete and total self obsession he thinks only of what he needs or he wants I have to constently remind him to try to think of others, he has just started taking the ritalin again (about 3 weeks ago) and he is on antidepressents, the ritalin does seem to help him focus but again on himself he can spend hours and hours on the internet and as soon as i ask him to do anything becomes very grumpy He is very withdrawn all of the time and seems to have something new wrong with him daily, he is constantly shouting at the kids and his relationship with our eldest is at rock bottom as he feels the need to make comments on everything from the way he eats to the way he dresses he also does this with me he always notices something wrong and is constanly complaing this needs doing or we need to do that, he also seems to have an obsession with smells everything smells so much so that even after i have wahsed and cleaned my teeth i lay uncomfortable in our bed as i know he will mention it this has even led me to sleep on the sofa. We have talked this through a million times with always the same response sorry I know what Im like but the thing is I dont want him to be sorry I just want him to be happy and hes not ever. When he is in the house its like a tension in the atmosphere and the worst thing is he just seems so unhappy and angry all the time I have felt guilty in the past but I know now that its not me I want to help but I dont know how. This has been going on for years but has got worse because i am now working full time and he is not I try to be supportive but its draining to always be the supporter we never laugh and talk and sex is also a no no. we have been or sorry I have been working on this for years and nothing ever seems tyo change is there something i can do or are we just doomed ? thankyou for taking the time to read this I know I have harped on but its just a relief to have someone or sompe people to talk to that may understand thankyou again x Ps he also talks to his mother at least 5 times a day sometimes more
- Successful, Motivated ADHD Husband, but Feel Alone by: teach 16 years 3 months ago
My husband of 17 years was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and he felt a revelation inside, an AHA moment if you will. He finally had pinpointed what he had been feeling since childhood. Placed in a resourse room in school because of his grades, but always winning the heart of his teachers with his wit, sense of humor and energy, he managed to get through hign school. Receiving a soccer scholorship for college was the 1st real test to see if he could function on his own, only to fail out after 2 years because he couldn't manage "it all". No wonder?
He took risks as an adult, married with 3 kids, and successfully owns his own business. He is a motivation speaker and "Wow's" his particpants with his energy, creativity and enthusiam...call it passion. So what is wrong? Sounds all good, right?
Then why do I feel like he is a roomate, instead of a life-partner? He travels a lot and the dynamics of our marriage is this. He leaves and everything is in order (and beleive me I am not a "stick in the mud", I do give in and I have become very flexible over the years and with 3 boys). I was home with my kids when they were young (basically raising them alone), and now I am back teaching elementary school and working full time. When he travels life is a routine, and just the way I like it. Then all "hell" breaks loose when he arrives home. He is like a whirlwind. I just have such a hard time transitioning and he is off in his own world when he is home. He spends alot of time drinking and hanging in his home office. He does things with the kids when "he" wants to do them or if it interests him. He has such a hard time breaking out of the "me, me, me" philosophy and when we discuss it he gets angry or wallows in "I'm not a good father". attitude. We have come to realize that he works best off "lists" so when things have to be done around the house, this is how we go about it.
We have considered spilting on several occasions. We have seeked counseling together and seperate. That seemed to help, until it was forgotten. I know I should be thrilled that he is willing and open to discussion and counseling, but the tools learned last a few weeks and then we are back to the same old, same old. It is like a circle that continues to roll. What bothers me most is that when he drinks (beer) he cannot stop. So having a few beers in out of the question. Is he an alcoholic, probably. But will not even consider getting help there.
So why do I feel so lonely all the time? I want a best-friend who takes interest in the kids and my life.
I hope I have not rambled too much, just seeking advise. Maybe someone can give me feedback?
- Exhausted but hopeful by: Mylank 16 years 3 months ago
I feel hope now that I've found this Web site but I'm still exhausted. I have been married to my ADD husband for almost 7 years. I'm not sure exactly when it started getting worse but five or six months ago all we were doing was fighting. I was not totally aware of how difficult life is for him and letting my anger take control. He started avoiding me. I worked all day and most nights at three jobs while he was unemployed and doing the things he wanted to do (or perhaps felt he needed to do -- things I find odd but that he finds important -- like collecting "valuable" items from dumpsters and then finding a place for said items in a storage trailer) and when I came home he would either already be gone or on his way out the door.
We separated in March for a short time and began getting counselling both together and separate and he is now seeing a psychiatrist so his meds can be properly managed. This has helped but not 100%. Finding this site helps me to better understand ADD and especially ADD in a marriage.
I should mention that he has been diagnosed with ADD for several years, before we married. But it seems to be getting worse. Is this possible? Or is it me having less tolerance? I feel like I'm the parent -- I've seen others make this same comment so I know I'm not crazy. I've raised my three kids. I want a husband! Not another kid! He realizes this, he's the one who actually said this is why I'm so angry, so it's not like he's oblivious to this problem.
I can't talk to my/our friends any more about my difficult marriage because they want to know why I stay with him in the first place. It's good to know there are other women in similar situations, even though I wish no one had to live like this!
Is there a chat room online that any one knows of? Sometimes I want a person to talk to RIGHT NOW or I feel like I'm going crazy. Our friends do listen if I'm having a particulary bad day but many don't understand why I stay with him.
I stay with him because I love him and want to be with him. I didn't marry him for the good times, ya know? And after reading much of the posts on this site I believe we can work it out -- I understand better that there are things I need to do differently. I was already picking up on that through the counselling. This just reinforces the counsellor's advice and adds to it.
Some of the things he does: sleeps ALOT -- it blows my mind! Hasn't worked in over a year. Collects things other people have thrown away and stores it, then spends hours (usually at night) "processing" this stuff. He says it's worth money but he won't part with it. Puts off important things: calling the psychiatrist, going to the dentist, paying bills. He gets over-bearing in social situations -- wants to be the center of attention -- a lot of this is covered on this site and I will try some of the suggested techniques. Wanders off without telling me he's leaving or if he gets mad at me he'll go away sometimes for up to 24 hours. Has very little concept of time. Gets really angry over small things and denies this -- says he's just joking around. I get scared when he does this.
All of this is familiar to all of you, I'm sure from reading so much of the same here today.
Here's my part in the marriage: I returned to school and got my BA and MA during our marriage while working part time for most of my years as a student. (He worked some, too.) I now have 3 jobs to support us. One job is the basic 9-5 with good insurance, the second is teaching at night which requires lots of planning and research and writing, the third freelance research, it's sporadic -- usually done on lunch hours and other squeeze in times. So I'm tired at the end of the day. I should say that I LOVE my jobs so at least I don't have the stress of a bad work environment. I'm also a neat freak. I like my house to be clean, very clean. Especially the bathroom and kitchen. I like things to be where they belong so I don't have to waste time looking for whatever it is I want (Husband likes to re-arrange things, like where the scissors and saran wrap and pens are). I don't like to be alone. After work when I have time I like to go out, I like to be with my husband and our friends. He's often asleep but when I go to bed he'll go out and do things -- go to a bar or just drive around, even with the price of fuel!
Things we've tried: lists used to work very well; he won't do them any more. I ask him to do one or two things each day to help me (take something out for dinner, do laundry) or remind him of one or two things HE said he wanted to do. How many times have I come home to find him laying in bed and he admits he's been there all day? I couldn't tell you. And of course the counselling and new psychiatrist and new meds.
My husband accuses me of criticizing and persecuting him. Perhaps this is what it seems like to him. To me, it seems like he is torturing me. Because he has ADD he can sleep when he wants, have no responsibility, spend the money I earn and want so desparately to save, and get angry (he denies this) at me for being fed up.
I want a better life.
I know he loves me. He is fun, brilliant, creative, sexy, kind, helpful to others to a fault, insightful. He does help me in a lot of ways and he was so supportive of me when I was in school. He compliments me and is, as far as I know, faithful. He's a huge flirt (did I mention he is sexy?) and his flirtations with other women are usually in front of me, not disrespectful, and flattering. Our sex life is good, not what it used to be, but I'm not complaining.
I am trying to just have a life when he sleeps or is depressed or doesn't want to do things. I spend time with my friends and try not to say anything to them about how miserable I am.
If I had to quantify our relationship I'd say I'm about 75% leaning toward divorce. I want a better life for both of us. I want some peace and happiness for myself. I want help financially and emotionally.
Thanks for listening and any advice. The anger and frustration suck, to put it bluntly. It's wearing me out. Oh, and thanks for the hope.