Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • On the brink of giving up by: lou lou 16 years 7 months ago

    Hi all I am new here so please bare with me, I have been with my husband scince we were 13 and we had our first child at 14, we now have two children age 14 and 7, our 7 year old is deaf and disabled so as you can imagine life has not been easy for either of us. My husband was diagnosed with adult add after his mother recommended he saw the same doctor who diagnoised her, When he was diagnosed about 3 years ago it was, at first a relief to him and me and the medication seemed to help.. We went through some problems and saw a marriage counsellor and did split up for a while but seemed to have sorted things out, whilst we were seperated my husband stopped taking the medication saying that he felt better off it and has just recently  begun taking it again. The problems I am having at the moment have been going on forever but i think Im just getting fed up of dealing with every thing alone I understand his add hinders him slightly but how do i know what is add and what is just him? I think he has become so used to the way he is I dont think he sees a way of changing I dont want to sound like im putting him down because I love him very much but just some friendly advice on what i could do would be of great help.

    I suppose the biggest problem  i have at the moment is his complete and total self obsession he thinks only of what he needs or he wants I have to constently remind him to try to think of others, he has just started taking the ritalin again (about 3 weeks ago) and he is on antidepressents, the ritalin does seem to help him focus but again on himself he can spend hours and hours on the internet and as soon as i ask him to do anything becomes very grumpy He is very withdrawn all of the time and seems to have something new wrong with him daily, he is constantly shouting at the kids and his relationship with our eldest is at rock bottom as he feels the need to make comments on everything from the way he eats to the way he dresses he also does this with me he always notices something wrong and is constanly complaing this needs doing or we need to do that, he also seems to have an obsession with smells everything smells so much so that even after i have wahsed and cleaned my teeth i lay uncomfortable in our bed as i know he will mention it this has even led me to sleep on the sofa. We have talked this through a million times with always the same response sorry I know what Im like but the thing is I dont want him to be sorry I just want him to be happy and hes not ever. When he is in the house its like a tension in the atmosphere and the worst thing is he just seems so unhappy and angry all the time I have felt guilty in the past but I know now that its not me I want to help but I dont know how. This has been going on for years but has got worse because i am now working full time and he is not I try to be supportive but its draining to always be the supporter we never laugh and talk and sex is also a no no. we have been or sorry I have been working on this for years and nothing ever seems tyo change is there something i can do or are we just doomed ? thankyou for taking the time to read this I know I have harped on but its just a relief to have someone or sompe people to talk to that may understand thankyou again x Ps he also talks to his mother at least 5 times a day sometimes more

  • Successful, Motivated ADHD Husband, but Feel Alone by: teach 16 years 7 months ago

    My husband of 17 years was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and he felt a revelation inside, an AHA moment if you will. He finally had pinpointed what he had been feeling since childhood. Placed in a resourse room in school because of his grades, but always winning the heart of his teachers with his wit, sense of humor and energy, he managed to get through hign school. Receiving a soccer scholorship for college was the 1st real test to see if he could function on his own, only to fail out after 2 years because he couldn't manage "it all". No wonder?

    He took risks as an adult, married with 3 kids, and successfully owns his own business. He is a motivation speaker and "Wow's" his particpants with his energy, creativity and enthusiam...call it passion. So what is wrong? Sounds all good, right?

    Then why do I feel like he is a roomate, instead of a life-partner? He travels a lot and the dynamics of our marriage is this. He leaves and everything is in order (and beleive me I am not a "stick in the mud", I do give in and I have become very flexible over the years and with 3 boys). I was home with my kids when they were young (basically raising them alone), and now I am back teaching elementary school and working full time. When he travels life is a routine, and just the way I like it. Then all "hell" breaks loose when he arrives home. He is like a whirlwind.  I just have such a hard time transitioning and he is off in his own world when he is home. He spends alot of time drinking and hanging in his home office. He does things with the kids when "he" wants to do them or if it interests him. He has such a hard time breaking out of the "me, me, me" philosophy and when we discuss it he gets angry or wallows in "I'm not a good father". attitude. We have come to realize that he works best off "lists" so when things have to be done around the house, this is how we go about it.

    We have considered spilting on several occasions. We have seeked counseling together and seperate. That seemed to help, until it was forgotten. I know I should be thrilled that he is willing and open to discussion and counseling, but the tools learned last a few weeks and then we are back to the same old, same old. It is like a circle that continues to roll. What bothers me most is that when he drinks (beer) he cannot stop. So having a few beers in out of the question. Is he an alcoholic, probably. But will not even consider getting help there.

    So why do I feel so lonely all the time? I want a best-friend who takes interest in the kids and my life.

    I hope I have not rambled too much, just seeking advise. Maybe someone can give me feedback?

     

  • Exhausted but hopeful by: Mylank 16 years 7 months ago

    I feel hope now that I've found this Web site but I'm still exhausted.  I have been married to my ADD husband for almost 7 years.  I'm not sure exactly when it started getting worse but five or six months ago all we were doing was fighting.  I was not totally aware of how difficult life is for him and letting my anger take control.  He started avoiding me.  I worked all day and most nights at three jobs while he was unemployed and doing the things he wanted to do (or perhaps felt he needed to do -- things I find odd but that he finds important -- like collecting "valuable" items from dumpsters and then finding a place for said items in a storage trailer) and when I came home he would either already be gone or on his way out the door.

    We separated in March for a short time and began getting counselling both together and separate and he is now seeing a psychiatrist so his meds can be properly managed.  This has helped but not 100%.  Finding this site helps me to better understand ADD and especially ADD in a marriage.

    I should mention that he has been diagnosed with ADD for several years, before we married.  But it seems to be getting worse.  Is this possible?  Or is it me having less tolerance?  I feel like I'm the parent -- I've seen others make this same comment so I know I'm not crazy.  I've raised my three kids.  I want a husband!  Not another kid!  He realizes this, he's the one who actually said this is why I'm so angry, so it's not like he's oblivious to this problem. 

    I can't talk to my/our friends any more about my difficult marriage because they want to know why I stay with him in the first place.  It's good to know there are other women in similar situations, even though I wish no one had to live like this! 

    Is there a chat room online that any one knows of?  Sometimes I want a person to talk to RIGHT NOW or I feel like I'm going crazy.  Our friends do listen if I'm having a particulary bad day but many don't understand why I stay with him.

    I stay with him because I love him and want to be with him.  I didn't marry him for the good times, ya know?  And after reading much of the posts on this site I believe we can work it out -- I understand better that there are things I need to do differently.  I was already picking up on that through the counselling.  This just reinforces the counsellor's advice and adds to it.

    Some of the things he does:  sleeps ALOT -- it blows my mind!  Hasn't worked in over a year.  Collects things other people have thrown away and stores it, then spends hours (usually at night) "processing" this stuff.  He says it's worth money but he won't part with it.  Puts off important things: calling the psychiatrist, going to the dentist, paying bills.  He gets over-bearing in social situations -- wants to be the center of attention -- a lot of this is covered on this site and I will try some of the suggested techniques.  Wanders off without telling me he's leaving or if he gets mad at me he'll go away sometimes for up to 24 hours.  Has very little concept of time.  Gets really angry over small things and denies this -- says he's just joking around.  I get scared when he does this.

    All of this is familiar to all of you, I'm sure from reading so much of the same here today. 

    Here's my part in the marriage:  I returned to school and got my BA and MA during our marriage while working part time for most of my years as a student.  (He worked some, too.)  I now have 3 jobs to support us.  One job is the basic 9-5 with good insurance, the second is teaching at night which requires lots of planning and research and writing, the third freelance research, it's sporadic -- usually done on lunch hours and other squeeze in times.  So I'm tired at the end of the day.  I should say that I LOVE my jobs so at least I don't have the stress of a bad work environment. I'm also a neat freak.  I like my house to be clean, very clean.  Especially the bathroom and kitchen.  I like things to be where they belong so I don't have to waste time looking for whatever it is I want (Husband likes to re-arrange things, like where the scissors and saran wrap and pens are).  I don't like to be alone.  After work when I have time I like to go out, I like to be with my husband and our friends.  He's often asleep but when I go to bed he'll go out and do things -- go to a bar or just drive around, even with the price of fuel!

    Things we've tried: lists used to work very well; he won't do them any more.  I ask him to do one or two things each day to help me (take something out for dinner, do laundry) or remind him of one or two things HE said he wanted to do.  How many times have I come home to find him laying in bed and he admits he's been there all day?  I couldn't tell you.  And of course the counselling and new psychiatrist and new meds. 

    My husband accuses me of criticizing and persecuting him.  Perhaps this is what it seems like to him.  To me, it seems like he is torturing me.  Because he has ADD he can sleep when he wants, have no responsibility, spend the money I earn and want so desparately to save, and get angry (he denies this) at me for being fed up.

    I want a better life.

    I know he loves me.  He is fun, brilliant, creative, sexy, kind, helpful to others to a fault, insightful.  He does help me in a lot of ways and he was so supportive of me when I was in school.  He compliments me and is, as far as I know, faithful.  He's a huge flirt (did I mention he is sexy?) and his flirtations with other women are usually in front of me, not disrespectful, and flattering.  Our sex life is good, not what it used to be, but I'm not complaining.

    I am trying to just have a life when he sleeps or is depressed or doesn't want to do things.  I spend time with my friends and try not to say anything to them about how miserable I am.

    If I had to quantify our relationship I'd say I'm about 75% leaning toward divorce.  I want a better life for both of us.  I want some peace and happiness for myself.  I want help financially and emotionally.

    Thanks for listening and any advice.  The anger and frustration suck, to put it bluntly.  It's wearing me out.  Oh, and thanks for the hope.

     

     

     

  • Site features by: admin 16 years 7 months ago

    Over the past few months, I have been responding to comments and adding some features to this site.  A few weeks ago, one of our users suggested a pure date-driven sort of the comments to a blog post.  I added the user-configurable ability to sort comments by date, and have them display flat or nested (comments replying to other comments rather than the main post are listed directly below the comment to which the user is replying).

    Others have been asking where to start, or what are the most helpful posts, since there the amount of content has grown to a substantial volume, thanks to all of you who have participated and contributed.  So today, I added user ratings for blog posts (see the five stars and the link "rate" under each post - but not rating of other's comments - yet), so that the most useful blog entries can be bubbled up to the top (I will add the list to the right column, once we have enough votes), as another starting point for new members of this site.

    I also added the ability to subscribe, via email, to individual posts, comments, or topics.  However, I took it off after Melissa suggested that it was too complicated (for her ;-) ).  What do you think?

    In any case, if others of you have suggestions, let me know, and I will try to implement them for you, to make this site more useful to all of you.  As an aside, I just completed a major technology upgrade to the site today (happy labor day), so many of these changes should be a bit easier to implement.

    Post your suggestions as comments to this forum post.

     

    George

  • Can ADHD make my husband go back and forth on major life decisions? by: kay 16 years 7 months ago
    I, like many others here, am new to this site. I've been married for less than a year, but prior to getting married, my husband and I broke up shortly a few years back due to him being overwhelmed with stress (finances, family, our relationship, school, work, etc.) but he quickly realized his mistake and asked me to take him back a short time later, and within a few months, we were engaged. He does a lot of things on impulse and without consideration for how they will affect me or make me feel, but I've never thought he did anything intentionally to hurt me, he just didn't think about things. About a month ago he came to me and said he thought that maybe he wasn't ready to be married, which escalated over the course of the next few weeks into him telling me he thought we should separate. In this short time period, he started seeing a counselor who has diagnosed him with ADHD. He's not on any medications just yet, but is seeing someone once a week and says he's committed to seeing him at least once a week for the next few months. Now he's saying he wants us to work things out (we were seeing a counselor together before all of this, because some of his impulsive actions and spending habits were causing a few problems in our otherwise happy marriage), he wants to commit to making change and becoming a better and more balanced person (to say he is obsessed with his work is an understatement). My question and my hesitation in taking him back is that I don't want a life of back and forth with him, always wondering if he's going to wake up one day and want something else. I know he can't promise me and no one else can, for that matter, that that won't happen, but I'm wondering if ADHD (I really don't know much about it, he was just diagnosed earlier this week, but I'd wondered for a while if he suffered from Bipolar Disorder...) can cause impulses so that someone would go back and forth on what they want out of their life and their marriage...impulsive behavior and acting before thinking is one thing...but telling your spouse you want out, you want in, you want out, you don't know...that's another story. Does anyone have thoughts on this yo-yo decision making?? I don't want to try to reconcile with him only to have it happen again in another few months or years when we have kids to consider. He's hurt me very deeply but I still love him and have hopes that things could work out if he stays committed to his counseling and to making those changes he said he needs and wants to make.
  • What can I do? by: Boho 16 years 7 months ago
    Hello, I am married to a man with ADD. I do all the work at the relationship and at understanding my DH's ADD, and he says the relationship is important to him but he doesn't DO anything to make it work. He forgets what he says he will do. Or else he says he can't do it even though we agreed what to do. I spend so much time studying and reading about ADD and thinking of ways that could make things better, and then more time thinking how to suggest them to him in kind ways, and then we talk about it and he thinks something could help and I used to feel happy then because I thought if he had agreed we would do something that way then he would want to do it but he just hardly ever does it. Now I don't really believe him anymore. I DO believe he would like things to get better, but it' s like he can't really understand what the problems are, and also he forgets everything. So if he wants it to get better it's just because he wants me to be happy. I have CFS which means my energy is very limited. He doesn't seem to get what that means either. And when I tell him what I need to make it worth staying married to him he gets worried and says he doesn't know if he can give me what I need because he doesn't understand those things. I told him how the ADD effects the marriage and me. I told him he needs to be fair and responsible and get some medication or other help or at least learn about it. He doesn't like the idea of drugs. What else will work? And he says he can't read books to learn about it because reading is difficult for him so I send him links from the internet, articles and websites, and I copy good information and e-mail it to him. If he reads them he doesn't say anything to me and things are just the same. I recorded a tape once for him to understand how it was for me and he listened to it once, then we listened to it together and discussed it. But nothing helped for more than just the present time. Nothing lasted. It's like it's all down to me, and I just can't do it all, but it's like he can't do things either. Or he can't make himself do them. He said he doesn't understand what I am talking about and he asked me for concrete examples so I wrote it out for him but he says he can't read it so we read it together and he usually gets defensive. Sometimes things get better after we have a talk but it doesn't STAY better. I am crying inside. I love him so much. I don't want to give up on our marriage, I really don't, but I don't know how I can stay in it at the same time as looking after myself too. What's the point of being married if only one person's needs are being met most of the time and the other person is just getting drained? Sorry to moan.
  • ADD and Passivity by: Sueann 16 years 7 months ago
    I posted on this forum months ago because my husband has physically injured me by not paying attention and dropping a bookcase on my foot. I thought things were getting better until.... My husband got a new job and it requires him to drive clients. We got him a new-ish used car to do this with. I signed on the loan as well as him. Last week the car broke down on the way to work. We'd only had it 9 days. He walked home and LEFT THE CAR on the road. The car was under warrantee. He called the dealer once and didn't leave his name. He waited for me to come home (usually I only get a few hours at work). The phone was off so he couldn't leave a callback number. The car got towed and I had to use my tuition money to get it back instead of paying my tuition. How can anyone be so utterly inert??? How in the world could an adult not know that you call a towtruck when your car breaks down instead of letting the city tow it? How can a person deal with a spouse who won't take care of business?
  • Medication Abuse... by: SunnyNights0909 16 years 7 months ago
    Posted in previous forum topics, I noted that my ADD partner has had addiction issues in the past; as well as, within the last year after being diagnosed with ADHD was found to be abusing his medication. Both medications that are to treat his ADD and his addiction were abused. After that came to surface, we spoke to his doctor and since March of this year, I have been dispensing his medication to him daily, I'd keep a few days worth in the house, and keep in touch with his doctor. Today, I was dispensing his medication only to notice that there were some pills missing, and others were cut in half. I can't even put my anger into words at this point. I immediately woke him up and questioned him about the missing medication, and suggested that it was of his best interest to be honest with me. He was, and told me that he did in fact commit the crime I'd suspected. Also, for the first time, I counted the amount of medication he had left for the month, and he is 3 days short; which obviously means this has happened more than once within the past 30 days. His behavior the past month or two has been all over the place, and I should of followed my instincts then. At this point, I am so angry, as he has broken my trust..again. His reasoning for taking more medication and being sneaky was because of the stress in our relationship. I'm always to blame for his lack of control. I walked away from him, as I do not have the energy to even talk to him about this because discussing it will get me know where. I feel like such a fool. I've enabled him by being in "control" of his medication, so now what? If he is still lacking control over his impulse/urges, why should I continue to babysit/monitor HIS problem? I have no idea what to do at this point.
  • Social issues and forgetting by: outdoorsgirl1974 16 years 7 months ago
    I am new to this site,but was glad to find it. I am looking for any suggestions as I am feeling at the end of my rope.I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half.This ADD thing is new to me and with my boyfriend having it,I can totally relate to these blogs,what the books say,etc.We struggle with his anger,forgetting things and socially he is embarrasing me. He is not on any form of medication first off.Nothing.I think that is our first problem..so no wonder.We are waiting for his insurance at work to kick in and then he said he would try something.So I am holding my breath for that hoping it will help.I have been told to wait until he gets insurance before getting the meds otherwise it will be considered pre-existing,etc.We have worked on the ADD workbook,but he forgets what he read.Is medication the ticket to this disability? The anger issues are from out of nowhere.He will wake up mad at the world,go off about things that normally a person wouldn't get upset about and blames a lot of things on everyone else.However,give him a half hour to cool off and he comes back apologizing and says he knows he has some things he needs to work on and will try to change. The memory thing.Last month,he forgot to look at his gas tank and ran out of gas twice in a month and I had to drive 15 miles to give him gas on the interstate and was late for work.He mistakingly has taken my keys with him to work a handful of times while moving my car out of the way.He forgot the cat in the garage over night with poisons,gas fumes,etc for the cat to get into.He has lost his credit cards,keys,sunglasses,left our cooler with belongings at the lake,etc,etc,etc!! Some of these things all happened within 12 hours! So here I am thinking...if this guy can't take care of himself...how is he going to take care of our kids someday??What if he forgets the kid in the car on a hot day to get groceries??What if he forgets to pick up the kid from daycare??I am concerned for the safety of a child! So does medication help with helping to remember this stuff? This ADD thing is tolerable until it starts affecting me,my work,our house,his work...basically things that will mean the demise of a family life and all that goes with it.It is so exhausting,frustrating to be in this relationship.Then when I ask him about why couldn't you remember to do..whatever...he gets mad at me and says..."Well if you didn't pack so much stuff...Well you need to help me to remember!!"(Babysitting!! Is it not?) It certainly looses the attractiveness in the relationship real quick.You feel like a parent. Then there is the social issue.God forgive me for saying this...but I am getting to the point I am ashamed of his actions so much around family and friends that I try to avoid it.Either not see them as much or him not be around,etc.I get tired of the "looks" from people.The huh?? He says things that are not socially appropriate,talks about contraversial subjects,goes on and on and doesn't stop talking,gives people a blank look when they try to be sarcastic with him,gets tired a lot and will fall asleep during movies with couples,etc. It is embarrasing.People have actually asked me what is wrong with him...they say..."Something is not right with him,but I cannot put my finger on it." So how do I handle this part of it?Do I outwardly tell people,"Well that is because he has ADD?" How have any of you dealt with this?People can tell that he is slow,etc and is this more of me having the problem and just not worry about what others think or?? Thank you for any advice..I am not afraid to hear whatever you have to say,I am desperate!!
  • The Symptom of Anger with People who have ADD by: classiccity 16 years 8 months ago
    This site is such a double edge sword for me. It validates just how hard living with a person who has ADD really is. After 15 years of marriage I am left with the question at what point do I cut my losses.(I have asked for a separation.) If it was Brain cancer I would never think of leaving him. We have been to counseling he has been on Medication our entire married life. (HE was diagnosed with ADD during our engagement period) His meds have been tweaked as needed. He is also on depression meds. The anger that has been a constant part of our marriage life is not physical, it's just this overall negativity and lots of passive aggressive behavior towards me. Tone of voice yelling at times and lots of body language that says JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! He definitely thinks I am the reason for his anger. ANY request I make is like walking on egg shells... It's his go to reaction to any thing he cannot controll. If I inturrept him as he sits in front of his usual places, ie TV or Computer, he is upset. He has always had a hard time dealing with the daily interactions that occur when raising kids. If he is in the middle of a conversation be it ever so informal he really has a hard time allowing anyone to interrupt him. If he is in the kitchen telling me some factoid about something and a kid might walk in asking when is dinner, he has a really hard time with that kind of interruption saying impatiently "Cant you see am speaking!" I understand people with ADD have a hard time being interrupted. Can't one learn to modify one's reaction? As far as working with different ways to get him to be accountable for what ever he has agreed to do or finish... I have run out of strategies. I have tried all the suggestions in these blogs. It comes down to him reacting to me as being overbearing. He does not enjoy tasks. I can't seem to get his to understand you do things not because they are fun or easy, you do it because it will positively affect the family. From bill paying to his laundry... As painful as it is I accept, I cannot have an intimate relationship with Him. I am not willing to keep increasing the edginess and riskiness to keep things interesting... So now it's about trying to co parent our children. But I cannot get around the Anger. I could really cope with the rest of the ADD lifestyle ( I still believe we should partner in doing household tasks, to model for our kids how this is suppose to work.) When we dated, this anger was not evident. When he mentioned he had anger issues I had no idea what he was talking about. Actually what is even more painful is the notion that the reason we even got together was that I was a new distraction for him...? ( I see too he was my project.) . Had I really understood what I was experiencing with my senses was not a reality, I would have NEVER committed to this relationship for the long term. At what point do people with ADD have peace? So much of life is monotonous and not fast and flashy...I know My husband is not at Peace. Yet he is willing to loose his family rather than get to the bottom of his anger... If I appear ignorant of my role in all this I know the truth. I do know that I have contributed to our ruined relationship. However I do know I am not responsible for all of it. I am still not sure what is ADD and what is him being immature by not dealing with his anger. Let me end by saying It is such a loss for me and the kids... My Husband has so much of offer. I have not addressed his shining moments because it is the non shining ones that set the tone of our family life. He is shackled by his anger and until now so was I.

Pages