Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Site features by: admin 16 years 3 months ago

    Over the past few months, I have been responding to comments and adding some features to this site.  A few weeks ago, one of our users suggested a pure date-driven sort of the comments to a blog post.  I added the user-configurable ability to sort comments by date, and have them display flat or nested (comments replying to other comments rather than the main post are listed directly below the comment to which the user is replying).

    Others have been asking where to start, or what are the most helpful posts, since there the amount of content has grown to a substantial volume, thanks to all of you who have participated and contributed.  So today, I added user ratings for blog posts (see the five stars and the link "rate" under each post - but not rating of other's comments - yet), so that the most useful blog entries can be bubbled up to the top (I will add the list to the right column, once we have enough votes), as another starting point for new members of this site.

    I also added the ability to subscribe, via email, to individual posts, comments, or topics.  However, I took it off after Melissa suggested that it was too complicated (for her ;-) ).  What do you think?

    In any case, if others of you have suggestions, let me know, and I will try to implement them for you, to make this site more useful to all of you.  As an aside, I just completed a major technology upgrade to the site today (happy labor day), so many of these changes should be a bit easier to implement.

    Post your suggestions as comments to this forum post.

     

    George

  • Can ADHD make my husband go back and forth on major life decisions? by: kay 16 years 4 months ago
    I, like many others here, am new to this site. I've been married for less than a year, but prior to getting married, my husband and I broke up shortly a few years back due to him being overwhelmed with stress (finances, family, our relationship, school, work, etc.) but he quickly realized his mistake and asked me to take him back a short time later, and within a few months, we were engaged. He does a lot of things on impulse and without consideration for how they will affect me or make me feel, but I've never thought he did anything intentionally to hurt me, he just didn't think about things. About a month ago he came to me and said he thought that maybe he wasn't ready to be married, which escalated over the course of the next few weeks into him telling me he thought we should separate. In this short time period, he started seeing a counselor who has diagnosed him with ADHD. He's not on any medications just yet, but is seeing someone once a week and says he's committed to seeing him at least once a week for the next few months. Now he's saying he wants us to work things out (we were seeing a counselor together before all of this, because some of his impulsive actions and spending habits were causing a few problems in our otherwise happy marriage), he wants to commit to making change and becoming a better and more balanced person (to say he is obsessed with his work is an understatement). My question and my hesitation in taking him back is that I don't want a life of back and forth with him, always wondering if he's going to wake up one day and want something else. I know he can't promise me and no one else can, for that matter, that that won't happen, but I'm wondering if ADHD (I really don't know much about it, he was just diagnosed earlier this week, but I'd wondered for a while if he suffered from Bipolar Disorder...) can cause impulses so that someone would go back and forth on what they want out of their life and their marriage...impulsive behavior and acting before thinking is one thing...but telling your spouse you want out, you want in, you want out, you don't know...that's another story. Does anyone have thoughts on this yo-yo decision making?? I don't want to try to reconcile with him only to have it happen again in another few months or years when we have kids to consider. He's hurt me very deeply but I still love him and have hopes that things could work out if he stays committed to his counseling and to making those changes he said he needs and wants to make.
  • What can I do? by: Boho 16 years 4 months ago
    Hello, I am married to a man with ADD. I do all the work at the relationship and at understanding my DH's ADD, and he says the relationship is important to him but he doesn't DO anything to make it work. He forgets what he says he will do. Or else he says he can't do it even though we agreed what to do. I spend so much time studying and reading about ADD and thinking of ways that could make things better, and then more time thinking how to suggest them to him in kind ways, and then we talk about it and he thinks something could help and I used to feel happy then because I thought if he had agreed we would do something that way then he would want to do it but he just hardly ever does it. Now I don't really believe him anymore. I DO believe he would like things to get better, but it' s like he can't really understand what the problems are, and also he forgets everything. So if he wants it to get better it's just because he wants me to be happy. I have CFS which means my energy is very limited. He doesn't seem to get what that means either. And when I tell him what I need to make it worth staying married to him he gets worried and says he doesn't know if he can give me what I need because he doesn't understand those things. I told him how the ADD effects the marriage and me. I told him he needs to be fair and responsible and get some medication or other help or at least learn about it. He doesn't like the idea of drugs. What else will work? And he says he can't read books to learn about it because reading is difficult for him so I send him links from the internet, articles and websites, and I copy good information and e-mail it to him. If he reads them he doesn't say anything to me and things are just the same. I recorded a tape once for him to understand how it was for me and he listened to it once, then we listened to it together and discussed it. But nothing helped for more than just the present time. Nothing lasted. It's like it's all down to me, and I just can't do it all, but it's like he can't do things either. Or he can't make himself do them. He said he doesn't understand what I am talking about and he asked me for concrete examples so I wrote it out for him but he says he can't read it so we read it together and he usually gets defensive. Sometimes things get better after we have a talk but it doesn't STAY better. I am crying inside. I love him so much. I don't want to give up on our marriage, I really don't, but I don't know how I can stay in it at the same time as looking after myself too. What's the point of being married if only one person's needs are being met most of the time and the other person is just getting drained? Sorry to moan.
  • ADD and Passivity by: Sueann 16 years 4 months ago
    I posted on this forum months ago because my husband has physically injured me by not paying attention and dropping a bookcase on my foot. I thought things were getting better until.... My husband got a new job and it requires him to drive clients. We got him a new-ish used car to do this with. I signed on the loan as well as him. Last week the car broke down on the way to work. We'd only had it 9 days. He walked home and LEFT THE CAR on the road. The car was under warrantee. He called the dealer once and didn't leave his name. He waited for me to come home (usually I only get a few hours at work). The phone was off so he couldn't leave a callback number. The car got towed and I had to use my tuition money to get it back instead of paying my tuition. How can anyone be so utterly inert??? How in the world could an adult not know that you call a towtruck when your car breaks down instead of letting the city tow it? How can a person deal with a spouse who won't take care of business?
  • Medication Abuse... by: SunnyNights0909 16 years 4 months ago
    Posted in previous forum topics, I noted that my ADD partner has had addiction issues in the past; as well as, within the last year after being diagnosed with ADHD was found to be abusing his medication. Both medications that are to treat his ADD and his addiction were abused. After that came to surface, we spoke to his doctor and since March of this year, I have been dispensing his medication to him daily, I'd keep a few days worth in the house, and keep in touch with his doctor. Today, I was dispensing his medication only to notice that there were some pills missing, and others were cut in half. I can't even put my anger into words at this point. I immediately woke him up and questioned him about the missing medication, and suggested that it was of his best interest to be honest with me. He was, and told me that he did in fact commit the crime I'd suspected. Also, for the first time, I counted the amount of medication he had left for the month, and he is 3 days short; which obviously means this has happened more than once within the past 30 days. His behavior the past month or two has been all over the place, and I should of followed my instincts then. At this point, I am so angry, as he has broken my trust..again. His reasoning for taking more medication and being sneaky was because of the stress in our relationship. I'm always to blame for his lack of control. I walked away from him, as I do not have the energy to even talk to him about this because discussing it will get me know where. I feel like such a fool. I've enabled him by being in "control" of his medication, so now what? If he is still lacking control over his impulse/urges, why should I continue to babysit/monitor HIS problem? I have no idea what to do at this point.
  • Social issues and forgetting by: outdoorsgirl1974 16 years 4 months ago
    I am new to this site,but was glad to find it. I am looking for any suggestions as I am feeling at the end of my rope.I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half.This ADD thing is new to me and with my boyfriend having it,I can totally relate to these blogs,what the books say,etc.We struggle with his anger,forgetting things and socially he is embarrasing me. He is not on any form of medication first off.Nothing.I think that is our first problem..so no wonder.We are waiting for his insurance at work to kick in and then he said he would try something.So I am holding my breath for that hoping it will help.I have been told to wait until he gets insurance before getting the meds otherwise it will be considered pre-existing,etc.We have worked on the ADD workbook,but he forgets what he read.Is medication the ticket to this disability? The anger issues are from out of nowhere.He will wake up mad at the world,go off about things that normally a person wouldn't get upset about and blames a lot of things on everyone else.However,give him a half hour to cool off and he comes back apologizing and says he knows he has some things he needs to work on and will try to change. The memory thing.Last month,he forgot to look at his gas tank and ran out of gas twice in a month and I had to drive 15 miles to give him gas on the interstate and was late for work.He mistakingly has taken my keys with him to work a handful of times while moving my car out of the way.He forgot the cat in the garage over night with poisons,gas fumes,etc for the cat to get into.He has lost his credit cards,keys,sunglasses,left our cooler with belongings at the lake,etc,etc,etc!! Some of these things all happened within 12 hours! So here I am thinking...if this guy can't take care of himself...how is he going to take care of our kids someday??What if he forgets the kid in the car on a hot day to get groceries??What if he forgets to pick up the kid from daycare??I am concerned for the safety of a child! So does medication help with helping to remember this stuff? This ADD thing is tolerable until it starts affecting me,my work,our house,his work...basically things that will mean the demise of a family life and all that goes with it.It is so exhausting,frustrating to be in this relationship.Then when I ask him about why couldn't you remember to do..whatever...he gets mad at me and says..."Well if you didn't pack so much stuff...Well you need to help me to remember!!"(Babysitting!! Is it not?) It certainly looses the attractiveness in the relationship real quick.You feel like a parent. Then there is the social issue.God forgive me for saying this...but I am getting to the point I am ashamed of his actions so much around family and friends that I try to avoid it.Either not see them as much or him not be around,etc.I get tired of the "looks" from people.The huh?? He says things that are not socially appropriate,talks about contraversial subjects,goes on and on and doesn't stop talking,gives people a blank look when they try to be sarcastic with him,gets tired a lot and will fall asleep during movies with couples,etc. It is embarrasing.People have actually asked me what is wrong with him...they say..."Something is not right with him,but I cannot put my finger on it." So how do I handle this part of it?Do I outwardly tell people,"Well that is because he has ADD?" How have any of you dealt with this?People can tell that he is slow,etc and is this more of me having the problem and just not worry about what others think or?? Thank you for any advice..I am not afraid to hear whatever you have to say,I am desperate!!
  • The Symptom of Anger with People who have ADD by: classiccity 16 years 4 months ago
    This site is such a double edge sword for me. It validates just how hard living with a person who has ADD really is. After 15 years of marriage I am left with the question at what point do I cut my losses.(I have asked for a separation.) If it was Brain cancer I would never think of leaving him. We have been to counseling he has been on Medication our entire married life. (HE was diagnosed with ADD during our engagement period) His meds have been tweaked as needed. He is also on depression meds. The anger that has been a constant part of our marriage life is not physical, it's just this overall negativity and lots of passive aggressive behavior towards me. Tone of voice yelling at times and lots of body language that says JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! He definitely thinks I am the reason for his anger. ANY request I make is like walking on egg shells... It's his go to reaction to any thing he cannot controll. If I inturrept him as he sits in front of his usual places, ie TV or Computer, he is upset. He has always had a hard time dealing with the daily interactions that occur when raising kids. If he is in the middle of a conversation be it ever so informal he really has a hard time allowing anyone to interrupt him. If he is in the kitchen telling me some factoid about something and a kid might walk in asking when is dinner, he has a really hard time with that kind of interruption saying impatiently "Cant you see am speaking!" I understand people with ADD have a hard time being interrupted. Can't one learn to modify one's reaction? As far as working with different ways to get him to be accountable for what ever he has agreed to do or finish... I have run out of strategies. I have tried all the suggestions in these blogs. It comes down to him reacting to me as being overbearing. He does not enjoy tasks. I can't seem to get his to understand you do things not because they are fun or easy, you do it because it will positively affect the family. From bill paying to his laundry... As painful as it is I accept, I cannot have an intimate relationship with Him. I am not willing to keep increasing the edginess and riskiness to keep things interesting... So now it's about trying to co parent our children. But I cannot get around the Anger. I could really cope with the rest of the ADD lifestyle ( I still believe we should partner in doing household tasks, to model for our kids how this is suppose to work.) When we dated, this anger was not evident. When he mentioned he had anger issues I had no idea what he was talking about. Actually what is even more painful is the notion that the reason we even got together was that I was a new distraction for him...? ( I see too he was my project.) . Had I really understood what I was experiencing with my senses was not a reality, I would have NEVER committed to this relationship for the long term. At what point do people with ADD have peace? So much of life is monotonous and not fast and flashy...I know My husband is not at Peace. Yet he is willing to loose his family rather than get to the bottom of his anger... If I appear ignorant of my role in all this I know the truth. I do know that I have contributed to our ruined relationship. However I do know I am not responsible for all of it. I am still not sure what is ADD and what is him being immature by not dealing with his anger. Let me end by saying It is such a loss for me and the kids... My Husband has so much of offer. I have not addressed his shining moments because it is the non shining ones that set the tone of our family life. He is shackled by his anger and until now so was I.
  • Distracted During Sex by: junebean 16 years 4 months ago
    Hello, I am new on this site, and just hoping to find some resources/help. My partner has ADD and we have what I feel is an excellent relationship - we communicate well and each try our best to cope with problems/issues as they arise. One issue I'm really having difficulty with is our sex life. Almost every time we have sex, he gets distracted, loses interest, gets it back again, repeats, and eventually gives up on reaching orgasm. He doesn't have any lack of interest in having sex, and we have a very loving and passionate relationship. The issue is just his inability to climax due to his mind wandering and then after a while he just gets frustrated and doesn't want to try anymore (and often a lot of time has passed from when we began, and we just simply can't go on anymore) I admit that sometimes I feel inadequate - that I can't hold his attention - but I also know that isn't the problem. I would love to hear if others have this same issue and how they have dealt with it, and if you have any solutions/suggestions of things we could try. Thanks!
  • back from the brink by: treeminer 16 years 4 months ago
    Facts: 34 yrs old diagnossed with adhd in first grade, not constantly treated for adhd since college in 1998, married for 8.75 years, Wife is an engineer and main bread winner logical thinker finacial wiz does not know how to identify her own feelings and harder time sharing how she feels with me and since she grew up in a house without argueing she refuses to argue anything with me, i am the role reversed emotional one with the support income with spending issues and often can not tell to what degree wife feels about something since she refuses to argue with me, have not been maintaining my share of house hold chores since returning from over seas two years ago(not that i can say i did a great job before), have stopped playig with kids (4 year old and 20 month old)in evening leaveing it mostly to wife for a while now, have delved further and further into 4x4 truck over last 8 months, wife started a new stressful job 7 months ago, have felt more and more distant from wife, realized 2 to 3 months ago that a key to wife's attention and affection might be to start doing stuff around house when i get home so she does not feel preasure of haveing to do stuff after work. One month ago wife started crying easily one morning and then after a night out by her self felt fine and then the next day after asking many questions of her found out she was not happy with relationship. Situation: The next day i signed up for an ADHD doc and a MArriage Doc because i knew that My ADHD was interfearing more than I realized and had been procrastinaiting since getting on good insurance. I signed up for the Marriage Doc because figured we needed help working on stuff. Later as the week went along the more i got to talk the more i figured out that she had been bottleing up resentment over me not helping around the house and kind of droping out as a dad and lack of appreciation for her over the last 7 months or so and she had finally poped. I also think that some of the majour problems became more majour when she started a new stressfull job 7 months ago and my stress i put on her went from managable to over load. What scared me was i always thought we were both so dedicated to out marriage that we would always look to work on problems, but she started hinting that she might be done with our marriage. For her it was working on her for several months but for me it was like poof your marriage is over. She made several indirect coments about knowing what its like to live without me while I was overseas and that she could imagine what life would be like without me. That friday we went to a joke of a therapist who did get us to talk some. Wife told therapist in a very non-convinceing way that she wanted to work on the marriage. That night at home I finally got her to realize that it was a lack of appreciation that she felt and was making her feel "not in love". Once she voiced that out loud it seems that her logical brain kind of went "ah ha thats something concrete I can Work with" and then ever since then has been very convicing that she wanted to work on our marriage. I have since been doing my share of the chores and participaiting with the kids in play and showing her appreciation. the first week it has been out of shear terror hyper focus. the second week it was still out of angziaty.(sorry bad speller) the third week we were in Hawaii. The forth week I have been on meds. The chores this week have been easy to do when i say i am going to do something it is easy.(no whininh or complaining in the back of my head or daydreaming. the family relations stuff I have changed my paradigm about what I am actually doing. I see walks and fun with the kids and holding hands as a chance to connect instead of just a thing to do. The worst part is that trying to get my wife to talk about her feelings is hard. We have found another therapist and have seen him once as a couple and once each as individuals. We have not really begun"working yet" with him but our relationship is already better, its just that unlike me who wants feels and displays instant emotions, it will take her a long time to believe that I have made some changes for the good long term. I am afraid also that I will not be up to the task long term. what I mean is that i have every intention to and in the past I have had great succes with meds, but after reading a lot on this sight i do not know. Everything that goes on right now I seem to over analize. I have to be the one to initiate all the talks about real feelings as appossed to the conversations she wants to have about work and superficial stuff. Don't get me wrong I listen to these conversations and actively participate in them because they are important, but like i said I have to push the emotional get in touch with your feelings talks. Sometimes I feel like I am over whelming her with it but not haveing this kind of comunication allowed us to get as close to destruction as we did. How often is right for not just talking about work and family but also how things have made us feel latley and how what we have done has made each other feel? Being on ADHD meds has seemed to make it easier to stop rehashing what has happened to our marriage over and over so much that it turns my stomach and chest into knots. Know it seems when the random thoughts about the horrible feelings of several weeks ago pop up in my head I can kind of just say ok thats happened and this is where we are and put it back where the thought came from. well I think that is everything i want to say. Thanks. Any comments would be appreciated.
  • Frustrated...please help! by: SunnyNights0909 16 years 4 months ago
    I am so utterly frustrated. I've spent the past year in a relationship with a newly diagnosed ADD partner. Since his diagnosis, all he has done is use medication to cope with the results ADD can have on his life, work, and our relationship. I suggested in December of last year, in addition to using medication, that he should think about learning about ADHD, and understand it better. He said that he would definitely do some research to gain a better understanding, but until this day, he has yet to do any research. I am so frustrated because when we are on track, things are great. We've spoken about marriage, but I am not sure if our relationship will even be able to reach that point because he has not learned to manage his ADD. It has gotten to the point where its more and more difficult to remain patient. I've done alot on my part, and continue up until this day to continue my education so that I can manage how I react to things, and to him. At this point, I'm beginning to feel that I am wasting my time, as I feel that the success of our relationship will require both of us taking on the responsibility of learning how to manage the ADD in our relationship. He tells me that he wants to and knows that he has to do it, but wanting to do it and actually doing it are two different things. He doesn't take the steps to even start. I really don't know what to do. I can easily take control of the situation and think about the biggest issues in our relationship and brainstorm methods, then present the information to him to get his thoughts; but I feel that I am enabling him, or being a parent; it also leaves me feeling that he really doesn't have enough enthusiam or really WANT to do it at all. I'm frustrated because I do love him, I know we could have a successful future but what can more can I do?

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