My wife is ADHD and cycles through the mood swings of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition has devastated our marriage and ruined our intimacy life. I have come to dread the weekends, because I never know what will trigger the RSD episodes. RSD is a self-fulfilling prophecy so to speak. The more she rages about the lack of sex, and makes me feel put down and humiliated, the less I want it with her. We are in our 60's and our sex life has been few and far between. Early in our marriage sex was fun and spontaneous, but now it's a constant point of contention and the spark rarely happens. For me, the problem is in the relationship too … the day to day stuff outside the bedroom. She wants romantic times, but never ever does one thing to provide them. She is a rather thoughtless person in that regard, and has no clue how to be romantic towards me. It never comes 'at me.' We only figured out that she was ADHD about 15 months ago, after I read 'The ADHD Effect on Marriage.' Ten thousand bells and whistles went off in my head about her family and upbringing (a family of total slobs, in the housework sense) and she discussed it with her mother and it was confirmed that both of her brothers were diagnosed as ADHD when they were young, a fact we didn't know. They didn't get treated because she "didn't want them to take pills." I'm 99% sure her deceased father was ADHD, I knew him well. ADHD (ADD) was a 'boy thing' back then too often. The signs in girls often escaped notice. If I had known early in my marriage what I was dealing with I could have coped better. She agrees that she's "on the spectrum" (her words) but refuses to see a professional so far. The RSD episodes come out of the blue. The triggers are somewhat predictable. For example she'll watch a show with steamy sex or intense romance, 30 minutes later I'm on the defensive being called names. These episodes in turn make me never want to touch her — that's the self-fulfilling prophecy bit. It's the total irrationality of it that's frustrating for me. The 'black and white' thinking, everything is 'always or never' … the communication can never be achieved because of the rigidity of her thoughts and emotions. Sexual and intimate feelings are just about dead for me, which is sad because it should be a solid part of any marriage. I'm sad looking back on it all, I'm sad I feel helpless to solve it. It is way beyond my "expertise." I barely know what people are even talking about when they discuss sex and intimacy in marriage. I married at age 29 and don't even know what it's 'supposed' to feel like to be married, even at this late age.

Hello, I knew from the beginning of our 19years and counting together (12 years married) that my wife was abused as a pre-teen. It seemed to me like background information; thought nothing of it other than compassion  for what happened. We had a wonderful courtship, engagement and marriage. 6 months after "I do" her mother died suddenly. It was heartbreaking for me because my mother-in-law was an amazing woman and I loved her. It was devastating for my wife. She took it really hard and I was her rock. I knew not to rush her grief process but after 8 months without any passion I reminded her about the lack of intimacy. She got furious with me. Eventually our marriage returned to the warmth, fun and romance we were used to before the tragedy. Fast forward, we bought a house and settled in for two years and expected our first child. When he was born I thought it was normal that my wife was tired all the time and subdued. Affection had dwindled but hey, she did a heroic thing of carrying, delivering and nurturing this beautiful baby. It got strange to me how long that mode lasted. We tried to make love for the first time 4 months afterwards and she started crying. I stopped right away and comforted her. We didn't try again for 6 more months. In that time she started complaining about my way of communicating.  Again we eventually got back into the swing of things. When our second was born the wheels fell off. She started getting hypercritical of everything I was doing. We don't have typical jobs and that allows us to distribute the parenting and housework. However her chronic fatigue was back like never before and I was assuming most of the roles in the house. I'm unable to form long term plans, not very good at prioritization, cannot maintain a calendar nor any routine really and most of all I am disastrous at time management but somehow I was held responsible for all of the cooking, food shopping, much of the cleaning, special projects around the house, watched the kids much of the time, still had to go into work (art teacher/ help run a school) as well as try to keep up with my work at home (artist). All of this while I was getting criticized for everything I did. This included not caring for myself in the form of not sleeping. For one, when I tried I couldn't sleep with stress thoughts pinging through my head and for two I can't keep track of time when I'm focused on something so I'd work until 2-3 in the morning. My wife's fatigue was so bad that that I was still getting up throughout the night for the kids and handled them in the morning so she could sleep. There was no affection, only nagging and complaining. I was a wreck. My self worth went into the toilet and I'll admit I wouldn't have wanted to be married to me. I was angry and sullen. I didn't want to see anyone; became a recluse. She and I started to see a marriage counselor and it seemed like from the start, I was the evil ogre and she was treated like the damsel in distress needing the counselors' rescue. I could say nothing right. It didn't matter how destructive she could be in the things she said; she could do no wrong in the counselors eyes. My wife finally said the words "I no longer love you". It was eye opening for sure. I had to take a long look into the mirror to see the monster I'd become. I went all-in on self improvement. I found God for the first time, reading the Bible and praying daily, worked out and got my body back. Plowed through book after book, podcast, YouTube video, articles on relationships, communication, psychology, self esteem, etc and learned how to control my swings of emotions. She saw all of the efforts as both a trick to win her back and pressure. 2 months later she asked for a divorce. Around this time my wife started seeing a trauma counselor. I know I never abused her. I never forced her into anything sexual, never hit her. I may not have been the most graceful in an argument but I never hurled insults nor threatened her. It became apparent that she was thrown back into her childhood abuse. In hindsight, the death of her mother and the birth of our first child triggered her as well. 
My wife came to believe that my efforts to change are genuine and she eventually took divorce off of the table. For months we were getting along, working out disputes with a new counselor who believes that the marriage is the client and made sure both sides are understood. Despite all of this there was no affection whatsoever. The terms of our reconciliation were that I was to make no moves and she didn't offer any either. That changed after another 5 months since she wanted to split. She started allowing hands holding and eventually pecks on the lips for good morning. I was hopeful again but then... affection returned to zero when she got re-triggered again. She swore over and over again that it had nothing to do with me yet my mind is swirling with all of the pain, imagined reasons and boredom. This has happened two other times including the present. Throughout this journey we've seen a lot of counselors both marriage and individual and all of them offered up the question to me "by any chance do you have ADHD?" I always just chuckled it off "I guess so". Only recently did I start taking it seriously that it might be true. I started taking the online tests and read into the symptoms and now not only do I know I have it but it has greatly affected my life. That led me to Melissa Orlov's book. From reading "the ADHD Effect on Marriage" it not only validated our problems as issues that can happen in a ADHD/non-ADHD marriage but I realized how frustrating some of the attention deficit traits are for her. Throw in her childhood sexual abuse issues into the fold and it gets really difficult. With my rampant ADHD and her trauma recollection we were in a relationship stalemate. It's like finding out what happens when an unstoppable force collides with an immovable object. My wife and I still have a long road ahead but I'm hopeful it'll return to a mutually satisfactory relationship. I'm currently in the process of finding out what treatments are available. 

Hello,

My ADHD is my husband. he is 60, says he has it and has tested twice but both results came back as he doesn't has one. We have been to counseling but didn't work. Since the test results say he doesn't have ADHD, there is no treatment plan. We've been together 9 years.

My biggest issue with him is his rage, the extremely short fuse, not own his mistake and very mean. I used to think, "This is because ADHD, we just need to keep looking for a better doctor." But at this point, I am exhausted. Finding a good doctor for this issue is really hard and confusing. Since we have tried and saw some doctors who say that they treat ADHD but they were not experts.... Meanwhile, fights and arguments keep continue. At this point, I am exhausted and never been depressed like this before. I have been lonely. 

Yes, ADHD is causing so many parts of our lives but even someone who has it can feel bad or sorry after he/she yells or rage, don't they? Don't they have some sort of regret and say sorry? My husband doesn't apologizes. Never. Everything, everything is my fault. Now when he angry at me, I just go to my room spend my time alone. 

He says sometimes he would try a new doctor if I find a good one but how long would it take him to behave better? Or would it even work? 

He spent this weekend cleaning a senior neighbor's yard. He does something good for someone but not for me. He used to call me "my lovey assistant". He was joking but it wasn't joke to me. I do all my house stuff - cleaning, all grocery shopping, refilling his prescriptions, make his doctors appointments, cooking, laundries, pay bills, weeding, watering, etc. I have asked him why he wouldn't;t help me. He said that's because he works 40 hours and I work just 25 hours. 

At this point, I am not sure his mean behaviors are caused by ADHD or it might be just him. 

How did you bring back yourself to move forward? I need some positive energy. It's been so sad.