Hi I'm new here. My non-adhd husband and I have been together for 9 yrs (married 7). I am the one with adhd. I want help. I'm frusterated and clueless how to "do life". I want very badly to be a better mom, wife, friend. I want to change. I just don't know how. I know that I'm not perfect...far from, yet I have a hard time seeing things from others points of views in the moment. An example would be...I forget things constantly, but when my husband forgets to put in his mouth guard that helps his snoring issues I go ballistic because it happens every night. Why do I go crazy and get out of control when I'm angry and why does it seem validated in the moment??? Especially when he always has soooo much patience for me when I forget things. Another thing that I hate about myself is that I use him too much for things I should be doing myself. I almost use him to cope with adhd I guess. I need new coping strategies because I don't ever want him to start to be resentful of me. He says he isn't but I don't know how that is possible. I'm selfish by accident. It feels so real and important when I need something but I don't notice his needs. I don't need him to remind me of this to figure it out. He rarely complains about anything. He is just perfect...but I feel I take advantage of this. I don't do it on purpose though. An example of this is when I remember something I will text him "hey pick me up gum, hey I have to pay blah blah bill, hey I need to make dr appointment". Then if he forgets I get angry. I am basically 100% the person who had the ideas but he is expected to follow them. It's like having a personal assistant. But that is NOT okay. It has helped my adhd because it's like having two brains. My first brain has no working memory and anxiety and doesn't want to "do" what it needs to. But I tell the other brain (husband) to do it so that it gets done and isn't forgotten. Somehow this has worked in our relationship for 9yrs. It has been the norm. I plan and he does. I make some appointments or tell them they need to be made and he does it. The weird thing is that this isn't the "norm" adhd marriage that I see on this site. Here, we have a wife with adhd who is also the "parent", while we have the non adhd person being the "child". However, my husband shouldn't be seen as just an extension of myself. He should be seen as his own person and I need to be responsible for my own self. I just don't know how. I've tried writing down things but I still cannot prioritize and "do" them. Does anyone have this type of dynamic in their relationships??? 

My wife had her first meeting with a real adult ADHD expert (a local CHADD leader) on September 3.  I completed the questionaires she gave me an sent them in by September 17 (my wife did not forward them to we for several days after she received them).

My wife finally completed her answers on Monday, October 19.  I scanned them at work the next day and sent them in.

It took lots of reminders on my part.  I even contacted the expert and she sent a followup to my wife about completing the forms. 

Hey all I'm new to this site but so glad I found it. My son is ten months old and as we've gotten more responsibilities my husbands adhd has become more of an issue. He was recently diagnosed but states he is taking his meds when I know he isn't. My husband has no idea how much I think about separation because I can't communicate with him. He either blames me for pretty much everything, states I just want to change him or he doesn't talk or respond at all. I'm so lost lonely and confused. I don't know if it's better to try and stick it out see if he'll change and start understanding how impactful his untreated adhd is to our family or leave now before my son starts to see everything I do and before it impacts him. My husband is an asshole when he drinks socially but yet refuses to give it up, he does t handle his emotions well gets angry easily so I'm always walking on eggshells, he never finishes projects around the house (we started our deck in June and it still isn't done). I just don't know where to go or what to do anymore ... my parents and friends have also noticed he is always on his phone isn't interacting, is distracted doesn't respond to questions when asked the first time. isn't getting anything at the house done and I can't hide my frustration anymore! 

My husband and I have been married for ten years. He has a 14 year old daughter from a previous marriage, I have a son of the same age, and we have a 6 year old daughter together. He is not taking any form of medication or therapy.

Over the time we have been together, it has been a struggle for me to deal with his lack of reliability and inconsistency and it has gotten progressively worse. I no longer feel happy in our marriage.

The overwhelming bulk of organising, scheduling and being responsible for our family's wellbeing falls to me. I never feel as if he is there to support us. Its as if he is incapable of seeing what happens around him or thinking of pitching in to help. He is unreliable and inconsistent. Even when i ask for help or tell him how i am feeling, he brushes me off, making jokes, or makes promises he never keeps. I have tried numerous approaches. It always ends up me being at the point of exhaustion and desperation and it blows up. The end result is always the same. He is defensive, angry, turns it around on me, makes out like i constantly criticize him. I usually get the silent treatment afterwards which feels like a punishment, and then afterwards he pretends it never happened, with no apology or communication. It doesnt ever feel resolved. but it happens again and again, the same underlying issue in different situations, which is he doesnt see me or how i am struggling despite me telling him. After a fight he will bustle around doing chores as if to say "look how much i do", but it never lasts. 

Over the years we have also dealt with many health issues with my son. I have always been the main caregiver and mostly felt entirely alone in carrying the burden. To the point of terrible anxiety and depression.

As well as the day to day things, whenever there is a time of difficulty he leaves me to manage it alone. I feel most of the time he is living his own life first in his own head, knowing i am there to handle everything else. Its exhausting and makes me resentful. He just doesnt see what happens around him.

He owns his own business, works from home and sets his own schedules. Yet i am always having to plan the familys needs and schedules without his input because he seems to only be able to focus on one thing at a time. His work, or what interests him at any given time. Or what he thinks is priority. While i have a full time high pressured job myself and have to juggle everything else for the family. He could help out more because his work is more flexible,  but he chooses not to, because we dont seem to ever feature on his mental list. I rely a lot on my mom to help which upsets me. I have a husband who could help but doesnt. Its embarrasing and i find i make excuses for him a lot.i dont have anyone to talk to about things either.

Example...My car broke down and has been in for repair for weeks. He took on the job of taking it in and communicating with the mechanic which has been a disaster. He doesnt keep me up to date with what is going on and i constantly have to ask what the news is. In the meantime i have had to juggle getting kids to school and me to work, relying every day on my mom for help. I have to make these arrangements and he takes it for granted that i will. He has a car which he uses for work when he goes out to see clients. Most days he is home before us and could pitch in but in all these weeks he has not done so once. I have told him how much strain i am under, and how its frustrating taking advantage of my mom. But it has no effect on anything, he has not once made an attempt to communicate what is happening or pitch in to help with transport. I have also directly asked if he could help out, and it is a non committal answer, that he will see, he cant give me a definite answer, it depends on how his day goes. It eventually blew up into an argument where i said i felt like he just is incapable of putting himself in my shoes and the urgency of the situation.

The inconsistency and unreliability in so many areas makes me feel my feelings are worthless in the marriage. Most of my stress and energy goes into constantly having to be flexible and think on my feet due to his inability to commit and his lack of planning. Im let down a lot. And the fact i cant approach him about it without repercussions makes me wonder if this marriage is salvageable.

I could also go into the many typically ADHD symptoms and behaviours such as hoarding, untidiness, disorganisation and financial management which also cause a great deal of stress, because those are other issues which causes a lot of problems too. I think the lack of communication and inability to feel empathy and act on it really hurts. I feel the load is too heavy to bear on my own. He seems to just live life in his own head while.me and his children are left on the outside. Its devastating.