Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Coming apart at seams by: Neuchatel81 3 years 8 months ago

    My husband and I have a 40+ year relationship, but it has come to a head with his inability to handle money in a responsible fashion. His business has had issues such that our personal funds are being utilized to cover the debt, and this has put us in a very precarious financial situation. According to him, vast amounts of money will be flowing into his business account any day now, so I am just overly emotional and not giving him a chance. He also insists that it is not as if he was spending the money on a fancy car or a mistress -- it is for his business that must survive! He has consistently spent more than he earns each month for a number of years, and no amount of calm discussions have persuaded him that this is actually a problem. He just sees the optimistic future that things will "get better" and does not understand why I am always trying to emphasize the negative side.

     We have been to a variety of counselors over the past 30 years for the same issues -- lack of communication, lack of follow through, inability to initiate items that must be handled in the home. I am very organized, and recognize that I like all things to be that way, but I do not have the patience of Job. He insists that he will now "try harder" since we are under a great financial strain, but is unable to tell me how his efforts will differ from those in the past (that have resulted in no improvements). He insists that we need to take one day at a time, and make a good effort. I see no end in his inability to handle money or our relationship in a responsible and caring fashion. Of course according to him, I am a big part of the problem since I just keep asking him why it has taken him so long to realize that the "house in on fire" when I have been saying the same thing for years.

    He refuses to go back to a counselor. He just feels as if he needs to have better sleep, more exercise, and stress free time in order to accomplish his goals. By the way, I fully admit the past 3 1/2 years have been hell as we have been caring for 4 elderly parents, 3 of whom have/had severe dementia, both fathers have died in past 18 months, and his mother is under hospice care; this has been a terrific strain on us both.

    Is it time for me to leave? I actually do love him still, but it appears he is incapable of making any changes unless his sleep, exercise, and stress improves, and he has been saying that for as long as I can remember. I feel as if I am losing myself.

  • Living with a hidden Disability by: disabled person 3 years 8 months ago

    Authors note:

     I am new to the site, so I have not read all of the comments, suggestions, etc.    I want to share what I think might be a different point of view.  Throughout the story, I will be describing various situations.  I am sure some of those will not be accurate.  I am by no means suggesting that I know all that goes into pre-school, school, or other events described in this posting, so please take these as patterns for how a day goes, rather than an exact prescription of a day.  It is my story, so I am taking liberties to create patterns rather than focus on exactly what happens in a given day.  If this prevents you from following the story, correct the daily outline – for yourself –so that you can follow along. That is what is most important here anyway.

    Overview

    This is the story of a child (Coffee Cup, abbreviated CC) living in a family, going to school, and all of those "normal" things.  CC has a sibling named ZZ.  ZZ is the older child by two years, so it isn't much of an age difference.  Both parents are educated, have a big extended family, live in a lovely home, and generally don't need or want anything.  For a child with a disability, this is the best view of a family situation.  Later we can talk about what it would be like not to have this level of stability, privilege, and social standing, back to the story.  ZZ and CC are expected to do all of the typical things that children do, clean up, help around the house, do chores, etc.  The difference is - well, things are not "normal or typical" for Coffee Cup.   With that – here is how life looks from CC's point of view.

    During the first 2-3 years of Coffee Cups life, everyone thought CC was so cute look how CC could jump from one idea or activity to the next - look at how well CC could help mom/dad/friend/grandparent with that job that CC had not seen before - how amazing!!!  Praise was bountiful, and attention was all focused on this new bundle of joy.  CC felt like he/she/they could do anything!!!  Life was AWESOME!!!

    As CC got older, the expectations started to change.  Things all needed to be done in a particular order, a certain way.  If something was not done in the "standard way,"; well, then it was wrong, bad, stupid, silly, took too much time (I think you can follow where this is heading, if not, hang in there – it will become clearer later).  As all of the comments and body language were being communicated to CC, they just started to feel dumber and dumber.  A failure before CC was even in school. 

    Now we start school - all of the expectations change AGAIN!!.  CC felt that he/she/they couldn't keep up.  They would come down for breakfast and "forget" to bring sox (or any other item).  The shame cycle ratchets up - CC, why can't you remember to bring the sox downstairs - I don't need to tell ZZ, your other sibling, to do this all the time.  Because of you, ZZ and you will be late for school.  Looking at the clock, never mind, I will have to drive you to school.  Again  I will be late to work.  Then the adult further enforces this shame with the "huff," "eye roll," "shaking of the head," and sideways look to the other adult. 

    Given this group's nature, I expect we have all seen, heard of, or been a part of this type of interaction.  I expect it happens quite often.

    Now we are in pre-school; generally, the way these sessions work is you have activity time, reading time followed by quiet time, food, and repeat.  Well, for CC, the activity time is excellent, except that they don't share well – they want to run and do anything to keep moving.  This leads to an adult coming over after another child (RR) has complained about something CC has done. 

    The teacher (authority figure), now CC, RR, told me that you are not sharing.  CC drops their head down.  You see, at this point, CC has no idea what the teacher is saying.  For two reasons – it was 15-30 minutes ago, and RR said they didn't want to play any longer.

    What is troubling about this situation is that CC isn't seeing the non-verbal cues used by society at large to communicate what is and isn't happening.  CC didn't realize that RR did want to play but gave up since CC didn't understand or see the non-verbal message. 

    Now we have CC being "shamed/corrected/rebuked" by an authority figure for not "playing nice" with another child.  CC won't say anything since they are either baffled, don't know what to say, or cannot form the thought fast enough for the situation.  So CC walks away from this encounter, going, "What just happened? I don't understand any of it. What did I do wrong?"

    Notice the start of a significant pattern for CC – scratching their heads and not understanding what happened.  It is followed along with frustration, which turns to anger since people are not explaining things that CC understands.  My best explanation of this would be to ask a blind person why they tripped over something.  A less charged (by the way, why is this so charged since ADHD is a disability, I have often found that hypocritical), when a person speaking a foreign language asks for directions, and you provide them in a way they can't understand.  Then you make them feel stupid, dumb, like an idiot that they didn't understand.  I hope we are all seeing many judgments placed on people/children etc – for not meeting our expectations.  We have yet to put ourselves into their situation or, as often suggested meeting them where they are at this time.

    Okay, move along – we in school during a time (before we had programs to "catch" many of these disabilities).  CC is failing at school; they can't read as well, so they get some special reading lessons, but CC is so far ahead in other areas they are placed into the "advanced track."  School is really interesting now, as you might imagine. CC's parents are thrilled!!!  CC is scared to death!!!  CC "knows" that he isn't as bright as the other kids, so now he/she/they feel even more isolated.  CC can't talk to his parents about this, can't speak to his friends, because he is now with the "smart kids" so that other kids won't talk to him as much.  What does a child do when they feel isolated, alone, and miss understood? 

    CC either starts to withdraw or move to an area that they are successful at in school.  CC has fewer friends or only friends in the area that they are successful at, pick something, sports, art, drama, e.g.

    Things are becoming more contentious at home, but CC's parents don't understand why CC is so moody.  They don't understand CC's interest in video games and why they spend so much time online.

    Instead of conversations – there is a growing tension in the house.  The discussion quickly turns into yelling and anger and lashing out in frustration of not being understood.  CC appears to have a "chip on their shoulder" all the time.  They will take any situation and turn it around and say it isn't "my fault."  They will stomp away and retreat to a safe space or perform some physical activity until they can calm down.

    Realize that by high school, these patterns have happened billions of times.  CC now has a great deal of practice at protective behaviors but maladaptive to many other situations.  Usually, people with ADHD are gifted or have very high IQs, so they are talented at figuring out how to get things done – even if it doesn't always have the best outcomes.

    When I speak to people who don't have this disability, I use this as an analogy – which often helps. 

    For a person with this disability, life is like driving in snow white-out (or a rainstorm when the wipers are not enough), where you can't even see the car hood's front.  You are so focused on staying on the road, keeping people safe, it is taking every ounce of your attention.  Then you have a person in the car asking all the time – "are we there yet" – in no time, you lose your patience and scream back, "No, we will get there when we get there."

    After this interaction, the car goes to what I call "concrete" – no one will say a word until that cloud has passed.

    So, why choose to give you a view of life with the disability of ADHD?   Being diagnosed later in life, you see the challenges and hurdles we have experienced.  Also, to understand that, as a brain, rewiring will take 1-2 years of positive experiences.  Diagnosed at 46, I am one of those people who have patterns to change.

    I was handed the ADHD Effect on Marriage and told to read it by my spouse (who doesn't have the ADHD disability).  My response when I saw the title was anger – you see, this once again appeared to be "someone" wanting to "fix" me.  By the way, I have been on meds since diagnosed, so being on meds was not the reason.  Also, meds help to manage a situation; they don't "make it go away." While reading the book, I noticed some common issues.  See them noted as issues below.

    If diagnosed as an adult, you have spent all of that time creating patterns to protect, hide, and adapt to situations.  We might appear to be happy and glad on the outside, however fearful, not trusting, and protective on the inside.  Realize that my worldview was that I am inadequate, incapable, e.g., in some way, shape, or form.  Shame response is robust.  Generally, we have patterns that, while protective, are often counterproductive to our desired outcomes.  We are often aware that the common thread is us.  It is just hard to rewire 46 years of patterns. 

    Also, as the spouse, you are getting something from the relationship in the current state.  Changing this will require you to change patterns as well.  If the person with the disability changes, how will the person without disability manage to have their individual needs met?   

    It is complicated to separate the two people spoken about when using ADHD spouse and non-ADHD spouse.

    Many people with an ADHD disability also suffer from other coexisting conditions; mine is a disability of written expression.  Something to consider when speaking with a person who has this disability.

    This book would be better if it highlighted living with a spouse with a disability.  Granted, that would not have been as "catchy a title."

    Many of the strategies in the book have a foundation in trauma-informed care prosocial interactions – see these links for other materials:

    Child trauma Academy:  https://www.childtrauma.org/

    A book by Dr. Perry and Maia Szalavitz (Author)

    https://www.amazon.com/Boy-Who-Raised-Psychiatrists-Notebook-What/dp/046...

    Prosocial

    https://www.amazon.com/Prosocial-Evolutionary-Productive-Equitable-Colla...

  • Advice by: Viago379 3 years 9 months ago

    I've  with my bf over 2 years and he has A.D.D, not ADHD because they are different he tells me. I am the sole cause of all of his problems. I walk around on egg shells all the time because if i say anything with attitude or pulling my face, thats it im broken and defective because i dont understand his issues, my brother has ADHD so I've experienced it before. I have a bad attutude, i dont listen, i belittle him, i ignore him, I've forced him to think of suicide. Its now become physical and he strangled me recently bacause i moved something of his, and he immediately said he didn't strangle me despite marks on my neck. I cant cope, no matter what i do its wrong or  ive done it on purpose to trigger an argument. I was in an abusive  relationship for nearly 20 years before him so i recognise the signs but it makes him worse when i mention his behaviour, but i caused him to react this way. He hasnt had Ritalin in 4 years, refusing counselling because i cause his problems. I'm now at the point where i need to leave or i will seriously hurt him. Im terrified every day. This can't  be normal surely?

  • Divorce, separation, desperation by: kal11 3 years 9 months ago

    I am 30 with a one year old, my husband has adhd recently on meds and diagnosed. I am struggling, I am now back to work, I have a young baby and I don't see any progress. My husband thinks the pills are his way of changing and making an effort when there are so many other things that need to be addressed for our marriage to succeed. He makes impulsive decisions, I am always the responsible one picking up the pieces and I'm burning out especially when I want to focus on caring for my baby not my husband. He thinks I'm a raging bitch and always pointing how his flaws. I don't know what to do he lacks insight so if I don't bring things up he doesn't even know they are a problem but if I bring them up he gets pissed. We're at a cross roads. I don't know how to get through to him, I know he loves me and loves our son but I can't live like this anymore. We are planning to separate but I am so upset and mad and sad that my son is going to have to go through this I don't have anyone to talk to about divorce and separation with a one year old, I feel so lost and unsure how to protect my self, and my son from the sadness and confusion. I want to just fake it and pretend everything is fine so I don't have to be away from my son or deal with the consequences of a separation or divorce like our house, jobs finances, it's so overwhelming, any advice? 

  • Complexities. by: fred108 3 years 9 months ago

    Hi,

    It appears that most blogs etc including many books around ADHD rarely include the more complex situations where both partners suffer from ADHD or the non ADHD party another condition such as PTSD or Complex PTSD.

    I find that the non-ADHD party in these cases often go to town with the negatives such as them having to do parenting in the relationship, denial etc. and use these negatives, unintentionally,  to the detriment of the relationship. It becomes increasingly difficult to manage for the ADHD party who is like a sitting duck, stated to be in denial. Often in family situations, feedback from others, such as children or close friends, discredit these  actions from the non ADHD party. This then fuels the fire of the ADHD party's perception of the non-ADHD party desperate need to be in control resulting in lack of respect between the partners. Often unintentional selective reading by either party of ADHD books and publications argues their case.
    When this escalates, it then becomes increasingly difficult to sustain a relationship. Of course therapists will either have to do couple counseling and understand the complexities which often can only be managed on individual level. It makes for a long and hard journey no matter what.  Perhaps there are other souls who have similar situations. Thanks in advance for any response at all.

  • Emotional immaturity by: Brindle 3 years 9 months ago

    I've been trying to wrestle this beast that is my marriage, my relationship.  When I found out about adhd, I felt relief.  I had read all kinds of marriage books but none of them hit home.  And then I found books about adhd by multiple authors who all somehow knew the weird land I lived in, who could describe the things that left me holding all the responsibilities.

    But there was still more, and I could feel it.  His way of being wasn't entirely adhd.

    Recently I came upon a blog about emotionally immature people in risky situations.  How they make poor team members.  The blog post mentioned a book about emotionally immature people, so I checked out the book (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson).  The behaviors, the thinking patterns, the avoidance of emotions, etc, of an emotionally immature adult that are laid out in her book strikingly accurately describe my husband.  (And they line up with the posts here of so many other posters, so if this intrigues you at all, please check it out.) 

    Putting these together, adhd and emotional immaturity, really is a very poor combination.  Indeed, some of the traits overlap.  And possibly compound!  One such area is the poor ability to self-examine or self-assess.  Gibson said more than once that they can mature, but they won't do so until they can see their behaviors, and many never see them.

    What a double whammy.

    Her book helped so much that I got the second one about recovering from emotionally immature adults.  Both books are from the viewpoint that you're the adult child of emotionally immature parents, but I find them very helpful as a spouse of an emotionally immature adult.  Her books show that not having these emotional skills damages and hampers every relationship they have.  

    So I'm reading Codependent No More again. I never got all the way through it because last time I was still so consumed with him and his problems that I felt frustrated with the book.  Isn't that so very funny?  Feel free to laugh; I did!

    I'm so tired of thinking about my marriage and having so much space in my head be taken up by this man and this dynamic.  I've grown and learned a number of things already over these last several years, but it's time to let go of some things.  It is time to start truly investing into myself, which I find so hard to do.  

     

     

  • So much work by: Dagmar 3 years 9 months ago

    A couple of days ago my internet was shut off.  It is at least the 3rd time this year and the second time since July when I dipped into my retirement to pay off the $12,000 in credit card bills that my husband had run up in 6 months.   Now, the reason the credit card bills were so high is because when he would get paid, he wouldn't pay the bills because he was "worried he'd need the cash for an emergency."   Then when the bills were due, he would have to put them on the credit card. Part of the deal when I took out the money was that he would set a budget and set his bills to get paid automatically on the day he got paid.   He said he did.  I followed up and talked to him about it, then the last time the internet was shut off he said he "didn't know what had happened" and would fix it. 

    During the argument about this, I then discovered he had been dipping into MY personal bank account and not telling me.  He swears he told me about the one time (for his car payment) but he definitely didn't the second time, and he agrees with me on that.   To be fair, he knew it was stimulus check money and technically his as well as mine.   But to be fair to me, the reason it was in my personal account is because I didn't want him to dip in and use that money for bills that could have been paid if he had been responsible, or pot.  Which is what he took the money for.  His car payment and pot.  And of course during the ensuing huge blow out he set up the auto payments, and agreed that it was a huge violation to go into my personal bank account for any reason.  (He can access it because it's linked to the joint account in the bill pay system for our bank.)  He thinks that setting up the payments and apologizing to me have fixed everything.  He's bopping around the house like everything is great and I'm wondering if I've had enough and if I should divorce him so that I can not starve to death in my old age.   We have been together since 1996, and time has shown that all the things I tried to do financially over the years would have made us rich by now (our neighborhood had loads of really cheap houses when we moved here and I wanted to buy more, but as you can see, I can't keep a penny in savings.  Now those houses I tried to buy for $20,000 to $40,000 are literally selling for 10x as much, unimproved.)   Unfortunately, right now I can't work because the schools are closed because of covid and someone has to homeschool our two elementary-aged kids.

    But the reason I am posting right now is from what happened the next day.  I was telling my friend about the situation and explaining for the millionth time that all this stuff is typical ADHD behavior.  Putting things off (setting the autopayments), Impulsivity (dipping into MY bank account), shame (not telling me), but I did agree with her that he is a grown-ass man and should be taking care of this stuff himself. She asked how much longer I was going to deal with this, then she dropped the bomb on me. 

    She is in a number of support groups for the parents of children with Autism.  Recently someone she knows through there decided to put her adult son with autism into assisted living.  Why?  Because even though he can hold a job and make money to support himself, he can't be counted on to consistently:

    Wake himself up in the morning
    Get to places on time
    Buy clothing and groceries
    Practice good hygiene
    Clean up after himself
    Be responsible with his money

    I forget what else was in the list, but as she pointed out, it was pretty much what my marriage looks like.   He goes to work, but does absolutely nothing else that's responsible unless I tell him.  He is currently growing a beard because I honestly think that shaving only twice a week is making him look really unkempt and must be hurting him professionally. 

    My friend was like "This is too much for you, this mom is putting her high-functioning disabled son into assisted living because it is too much for her to do everything you do for your husband." 

    And she's right.  It's so much.  I feel like I have three children, but one can just go out and buy a car if he feels like it and then I'm the one who has to figure out how to pay for it.   Thoughts?

     

  • Can I get help?? by: DaveinNIdaho 3 years 9 months ago

    My name is Dave and I have high level ADHD. I am  married to the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, empathetic woman in the world. After being married to me for over 13 years and she is STILL with me proves it. About six months ago, she was done. Done with me being defensive about everything, mean to  her, not helping in raising our two girls while she NEVER slept AND worked to pay our bills. I went and did what I thought was important, I had my ENTIRE priority list upside down, and I really had no clue what I was doing. I could not EVER figure out when she would cry and beg me to help or be nice in these situations, and I was flippant. As I look back, I was the champion jerk. I would always say to her later how much I love her, care for her, and love our kids, but for the life of me NOT figure out why I  could be so heartless. Did I mention that K is incredible? We have always been honest, true, and trusting with each other, so no other outside influences...just me. 

    We decided to see a counselor who is an expert in marriage, and I found last night an expert in ADHD. I have been in a middle school teacher for 24 years, I knew I had it...my report cards showed it. My nine year old now has it too. My point? I had to idea until last night there was a correlation between my ADHD and my lack of husbandry/fatherly behavior. I am not diagnosed, I  just  know since I  have filled out millions of forms, had trainings, and thousands of kids in my class. I am a the poster adult for this...and I have always been upbeat and positive about having ADHD. Not any more.

    Last night, after the counselor suggested, or stated, that this condition of ours has had a DIRECT correlation to us. I found you all today. After reading MANY of the posts, situations, stories you could just plug our names into many of them....it is us. I am happy to know this, but EXTREMELY SCARED and worried I have pushed my wife over the edge. I have self medicated for years.....beer, wine, marijuana. It helped a lot. I was never fall down bad, never slurred, always happy/content....BUT I found, after talking six months ago with my wife, that I was always checked out, not 'present' enough to  be emotionally involved in my family. My wife did it all.....I worked, coached and reffed wrestling, and whatever else I THOUGHT was what I should be doing. ANY TIME she would so sweetly bring up anything-kids, money, work, childcare- I would get defensive, rude, mean, and she would cry. I never knew why I would do that to her...to my love, my everything...she is my best friend.

    I have changed over the last five months. I have read books on why I am a terrible husband. I have read books on how I  have hurt and crushed my wife's spirit and esteem. I have not had one drink, pill, smoke, NOTHING. I have begun meditation for about two weeks now. All of this has helped. No more lies, empty  promises, lip service. My wife needs me to prove to her how much I  love and care for her and my two beautiful girls. I know she is hurt IMMENSELY......really bad. 

    What I want to know....be honest...non ADHD people...when she says show her and work for her to prove this....do you have advice? She said the last four months have been amazing, but when she sees me or we talk, she slides back into that hell and pain. I am living somewhere else for the month of February for her to begin healing and for me to continue to work on myself. We  just want advice from people LIKE me and from people who live with partners like me, that KNOW our daily struggles?  She is done with the lip service and the longevity of my actions will  be the factor. Are there signs or factors for me to be on the lookout for? I want to be the one who puts in ALL of the work.....It is time for ME to feel it and let her heal. 

    I cannot lose my wife and family now....I see it! I get it. I hope it isn't too late.

    Thank you ahead of time for any feedback....

    Dave

  • I need some help please.... by: DaveinNIdaho 3 years 9 months ago

    My name is Dave and I have high level ADHD. I am  married to the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, empathetic woman in the world. After being married to me for over 13 years and she is STILL with me proves it. About six months ago, she was done. Done with me being defensive about everything, mean to  her, not helping in raising our two girls while she NEVER slept AND worked to pay our bills. I went and did what I thought was important, I had my ENTIRE priority list upside down, and I really had no clue what I was doing. I could not EVER figure out when she would cry and beg me to help or be nice in these situations, and I was flippant. As I look back, I was the champion jerk. I would always say to her later how much I love her, care for her, and love our kids, but for the life of me NOT figure out why I  could be so heartless. Did I mention that K is incredible? We have always been honest, true, and trusting with each other, so no other outside influences...just me. 

    We decided to see a counselor who is an expert in marriage, and I found last night an expert in ADHD. I have been in a middle school teacher for 24 years, I knew I had it...my report cards showed it. My nine year old now has it too. My point? I had to idea until last night there was a correlation between my ADHD and my lack of husbandry/fatherly behavior. I am not diagnosed, I  just  know since I  have filled out millions of forms, had trainings, and thousands of kids in my class. I am a the poster adult for this...and I have always been upbeat and positive about having ADHD. Not any more.

    Last night, after the counselor suggested, or stated, that this condition of ours has had a DIRECT correlation to us. I found you all today. After reading MANY of the posts, situations, stories you could just plug our names into many of them....it is us. I am happy to know this, but EXTREMELY SCARED and worried I have pushed my wife over the edge. I have self medicated for years.....beer, wine, marijuana. It helped a lot. I was never fall down bad, never slurred, always happy/content....BUT I found, after talking six months ago with my wife, that I was always checked out, not 'present' enough to  be emotionally involved in my family. My wife did it all.....I worked, coached and reffed wrestling, and whatever else I THOUGHT was what I should be doing. ANY TIME she would so sweetly bring up anything-kids, money, work, childcare- I would get defensive, rude, mean, and she would cry. I never knew why I would do that to her...to my love, my everything...she is my best friend.

    I have changed over the last five months. I have read books on why I am a terrible husband. I have read books on how I  have hurt and crushed my wife's spirit and esteem. I have not had one drink, pill, smoke, NOTHING. I have begun meditation for about two weeks now. All of this has helped. No more lies, empty  promises, lip service. My wife needs me to prove to her how much I  love and care for her and my two beautiful girls. I know she is hurt IMMENSELY......really bad. 

    What I want to know....be honest...non ADHD people...when she says show her and work for her to prove this....do you have advice? She said the last four months have been amazing, but when she sees me or we talk, she slides back into that hell and pain. I am living somewhere else for the month of February for her to begin healing and for me to continue to work on myself. We  just want advice from people LIKE me and from people who live with partners like me, that KNOW our daily struggles?  She is done with the lip service and the longevity of my actions will  be the factor. Are there signs or factors for me to be on the lookout for? I want to be the one who puts in ALL of the work.....It is time for ME to feel it and let her heal. 

    I cannot lose my wife and family now....I see it! I get it. I hope it isn't too late.

    Thank you ahead of time for any feedback....

    Dave

     

    PS- I am only 11% of the way through your book Melissa, and I can just see my wife and I in all of this.....

     

  • Break Up (ADHD) by: adhdquestion 3 years 9 months ago

    I'm 34 and my partner of 3 years and I have decided to separate. She is 31 and has recently been diagnosed with combined ADHD. 99% of the time,I have never met a more lovely, kind, caring, beautiful girl in my life. It's the 1% that was the end. Pre diagnosis was a rollercoaster of arguments, power plays, impulsivity, depression, drug taking on nights out, Hyperfocus/ me being ignored, crying/breakdowns, her mind racing, anxiety and generally living her life at 1000 mph.

    I wanted to reach out here because I feel like there may be people in the same boat as me that could help. 

    I have tried and tried to do everything in my power to make this work and I feel like I've failed. 

    We've been to couples counseling (pre-diagnosis, so that wasn't helpful), I'm doing my own therapy, she's on medication and now has a behavioral coach. She developed loads of helpful hacks to combat her symptoms such as multiple reminder alarms and writing notes (there are notes everywhere and piles of them). Our arguments became less and less as we both have been learning about ADHD.

    I worked on my anxious thoughts and feelings and she worked on her. The issue is that we haven't been able to solve this one problem.

    When her symptoms get too much for me (excessive talking all the time, fast actions, spilling and breaking something by accident, mood swings, tears etc), I shut her down.It can be something like stopping her midway through a sentence and saying 'I don't mean to be rude but I'm doing something'. This leads to a nuclear explosion of anger like I've never experienced. Like going from 0 to F.U in seconds.

    This then makes me angry and we have explosive arguments about ridiculous things. She ends up in tears ( pouring tears like someone has died), in bed with anxiety, and then it ends with her saying she can't believe I would upset her. How she doesn't have time for me to be rude, dismissive, unsupportive, and if she feels rejected or shut down, I will always get verbal abuse. No compromise. If she feels attacked because I'm in a mood and I've had a go about something that may not actually be her fault (but I've maybe had a bad day and not in a great mood) forget it... it goes to nuclear anger. 

    She's now started telling me I'm gaslighting her and it's emotional abuse. She says it's about 3/10 and that I may not know I'm doing it. I think I use my words in arguments to get my point across in an argument in a way that confuses her - I tend to talk about multiple things to use as examples of how I feel. and talk around the point instead of addressing the point. Perhaps to use as ammo to get my point across. She says her working memory isn't great so when I ask for examples she can't give me any. So all this makes me feel like a horrible person and all I've ever tried to do is try my hardest to make us work as a couple. Same for her.

    So now it's got to us going to 0-10 in anger any time she feels rejected or shut down. Even if we haven't had an argument, it seems that the smallest thing can get in her head and tip her over the edge. She gets so sad at night, if not medicated. And I mean tears and depressed, then in the morning, she tells me I'm the best thing to ever happen in her life and gives me loads of lovely compliments. 

    All our arguments have been from me shutting her down, not listening and being unsupportive. I feel so bad that her symptoms trigger me as I really try. But it seems to just build and build, until I say something and the anger and tears are back. I could go on about the 6 hours it takes to pack her suitcase to go on holiday, the verbal emotional outbursts, the PTSD she has when she was beaten up by an abusive guy at a wedding who beat up his gf (she jumped in to help and tried to fight him after calling for help), she thinks her mum and sister don't like her because of the way she was to them when she was younger etc etc... No matter how much I try and justify it, us ending still feels like I've failed and I'm deeply sad. 

    It seems we're just incompatible and I'm relieved I don't have to deal with this anymore, I feel tired and beaten by the whole thing but I wanted to reach out to find out if perhaps I have done something here that I shouldn't have.

    Thanks for your time.x

     

     

     

Pages