Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Is he manipulating me? Nerves completely frayed. Please help. by: arspoetica 3 years 7 months ago

    Hi, everyone, 

    It's been a rough 24 hours. My ADHD husband was spending another day in bed, when I came in to ask if he minded if I put on some music in the house. He accused me of judging him, being angry with him, that every time I had walked past the bedroom I had made some kind of noise of judgment, and, somehow, that I was "always making plans with him" (I almost never make any plans at all because I self-isolate because of the pressure of this marriage). I was already so tense because I was upset that he was sleeping through another day, after we had again recommitted ourselves to him getting on a healthier sleeping schedule. So when he said that I am "selfish" and accused me of saying things I had never said, I was done. Every waking and non-waking hour of my life is devoted to caring for him and helping us survive his ADHD, which keeps him from working consistently, accomplishing any tasks, and just being reliable, being healthy. I said I didn't want to be married anymore, and I meant it. I spent the rest of the day in bed--me for the first time in years being the one to let their emotions run the show, to cry and cry and cry. Eventually he comes in to the bedroom and puts on his only suit. He says, "I want to say one last thing to you, that I'm sorry for ruining your life." I knew what was happening immediately. I got up and followed him. He had written suicide notes and put a bullet in his rifle. He said he'd already come inside once--meaning he'd already changed his mind once that day, but he wouldn't this time. I was able to get him away from the weapon. We sat together for a long time and I told him I loved him more than anything and would never leave him, that I never wanted to be apart, and listened to him say all the things that made him "make this decision." It was the worst thing I've ever gone through, but eventually it worked and he said he didn't want to die, he just didn't want to be without me. He repeated it again this morning--that he would never have gone that far if I hadn't said I wanted a divorce. 

    So what am I supposed to do now? If things really could get better for him, if he really can be the man he wants to be, then I would want to stay married. But I also know that I didn't get to make a decision in the end. That I had to say all of these things about our future together because he was threatening to kill himself. So what's true? Do I want to stay together or not--and do I even have a choice? I feel completely trapped. And I'm not sure if he was intentionally manipulating me into staying with him, or if he genuinely would have done it if I hadn't stopped him. I don't know how to live with any of that. I'm posting this here because literally all of this is coming from his ADHD--he brought up all of his symptoms when talking about why he was done with life. The self-hate, the frustration, the feeling of being totally useless and destructive, all of that is caused by his ADHD. But ultimately he said it was me saying I was done with the marriage that was singularly responsible for his going as far as he did. Is he manipulating me or does he mean this? Isn't unintentionally manipulating people part of what others have experienced with ADHD marriages? I love him but I feel completely trapped by this, and I don't know what to do. If only there was a way to help him deal with his ADHD, he would have some self-respect and independence and he would rely on me less. But nothing has worked. Nothing. He sees two therapists and a doctor who prescribes his medications, and nothing has worked. He still stays up all night and sleeps all day, leaves projects sitting for two years after he begins, and he tries to be helpful around the house and change his habits for the better but it never lasts. If only he could find some real help with this, some strategies that really work for him to live with this thing, it's the only way things will be ok. But I don't know anymore how to help, or what my role can even be. I just wish that he would take control of his own care, but now we know what happens when he wants to take control. And he doesn't want me to even call his doctors. Where do I go from here? 

  • ADHD spouse is an emotionally distant parent by: LuneVerte 3 years 7 months ago

    I've been married to my ADHD spouse for about 15 years. I definitely have my own individual frustrations as a spouse but this is about my husband as a dad. We have a 10 year old daughter, and he is definitely present in terms of things like taking her to lessons after school, making dinner, helping with homework, etc. So I don't want to give the impression that he is totally checked out. But it feels like, as she gets older and develops her own personality and interests, he is simply bored and/or annoyed by her, unless they are doing something he likes. They spend time together doing HIS things - watching movies he likes, listening to music he likes, playing the sports he likes. She cannot share her interests with him. He will not spend time on her interests, and even subtly expresses that they are frivolous. This absolutely crushes me, and despite conversations, it's not getting better. Any time I convince him to do something like play a board game with us, he looks like he's in pain. We even went to Disney World without him, because he wasn't interested. I just don't know what to do. He seems to think that grudgingly spending time with us before going back to playing on his phone is enough.  I don't want her to learn that this is what men are like. I need help. 

  • Why are my needs being ignored? by: overlanddad 3 years 7 months ago

    myself being the non, ive learned a lot from this site, Thank you all for sharing both sides of this.

    This relationship has been off and on for 15 plus years.

    I knew something was off due to her behavior, but had not educated myself with mental health issues.

    Im not going to go into great detail but i just need some insight on these issues and what suggestions any may have.

    what happened to my attention, needs,boundaries, respect?

    why does it start off great and mutually respectful and then dies?

     why does she not want to talk about my concerns, but wants me  to listen  to all that she has done at work..but never about our relationship and concerns?

    i do have the support of her family,,, however id like a starting point from those that have moreso walked in these shoes.

     

     

     

  • Am I losing my mind? by: Treetopshot 3 years 8 months ago

    Help!  I have been married 21 years and my marriage is awful.  My husband has no focus!  I told him years ago to get tested and if it was ADHD, at least we can build a toolkit to cope and then hopefully manage.  He refused but now with yet another blow up on his part, now he thinks he is ADHD because I told him I have one foot out the door.  And his behaviours are getting worse.  I am used to asking for things 3 or 4 times, doing things myself.  I have every feeling described for a spouse of ADHD.  He has most behaviours of ADHD.  The real problem though is he has a huge lack of accountability.  Not his fault, never his problem.  And now with this discovery that he may have this disorder, I am a nag!  I am so angry and tired.  He is 47, I am 45.  Is it too late to start this now?

  • New and losing hope by: jaime 3 years 8 months ago

    My husband of 23 years  has ADHD I have four children, the arguments are constant and have been for 20 years. I can't cope anymore, it's so many things. What seems like lies, what feels like he doesn't care about me or kids things because he doesn't follow through makes wild promises, and let's me down so much. I can't stand anymore arguments the pain inside is intense. Please someone can you show me where to start ? 
     

    Thank you so much 

  • Wife wants me to make a plan to fix the marriage by: chefvangarde 3 years 8 months ago

    My wife and I have been married for 15 years and they have been extremely rocky.  I was diagnosed with ADHD about 8 years ago and take medication daily.  My wife is at the raging point of our marriage.  We have been living in separate parts of the house for just over a year now.  I'm the GM of a restaurant and work on average 60 hours a week.  It is not very conducive to a marriage and or personal life.  The reason I am posting this is because I need help.  She has been the one over the years moving her schedule around my ever changing work schedule; putting all the effort in to keep the marriage together; supporting me through my career and job changes; etc.  But now she is done and over it.  She will not spend another day off with me unless I have a plan to fix the marriage.  What does that mean?  She wants me to make up for the last 15 years and all the crap I have put her through.  I have researched the internet and looked at books but everything is so basic.  She doesn't want basic.  She can get anyone to cook her dinner, go on a bike ride or get her Starbucks.  She is a very intuitive empath, to which I am not.  The level of hurt she has inside is immeasurable.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?  Can someone point me in the direction on how to get a plan together for us to reconnect?  Any help would be appreciated.

  • Loneliness in ADHD marriage by: Gringagirl 3 years 8 months ago

    Hi guys!

    I'm new here. I needed to find a space where I can talk about how I feel. I hope this is it.

    I believe my husband has ADHD. I say believe because he has never been diagnosed, but we've been married 15 years (it's been a very difficult marriage) and a couple of years ago I stumbled on some info about ADHD in adults  and started to read up on it (via internet articles) and I am 100% convinced that this is what my husband suffers from.

    I've tried to tactfully mention it to my husband a few times, and suggested we get some kind of marriage guidance counseling or support from a psychologist, but he completely ignores my suggestions. His mother taught him never to share anything personal  with other people (his father was a drug addict so they got used to hiding their personal life from others and putting on an act) so he doesn't believe in visiting psychologists or anything like that.

    I am, however, at my wits end. Apart from professional burnout, I find I get these mini mental break downs every few weeks where I can't stop crying and I have no one to talk to. I have read lots of advice columns that say I should try and find time for me (I go for walks) and talk to a friend etc. The problem is I am the breadwinner, as well as doing the shopping, cleaning and most of the cooking so I have very little time. My husband isn't able to organize himself to work. He has no profession and no idea how to make ends meet. We live in South America and I don't have the kind of support network most people have. My entire family is in the UK, and his family are dysfunctional. Only my MIL helps out, but she is now becoming increasingly frail and still works (she has spent her whole life supportign all the dysfunctional people in her family), even though she's past retirement age, so her support is minimal. Certainly, I don't feel I can talk to her. Although I speak Spanish, there is a cultural barrier and I don't want her involved in my marriage, quite frankly.

    I literally don't have any friends to speak of. I'm not exaggerating. I spent many years throwing myself into work to make up for the shortcoming in my marriage and neglected any friendships I could have had. I now suffer from social anxiety. Also, my husband refuses to meet any "friends" I might have, discourages me from inviting people round, never accompanies me if I'm invited to a party or wedding, and refuses to attend church with me - which is the only social event in my life. Building relationships at church has been so hard. I just don't seem to have anything in common and it's just a case of "How are you? Great, see you next week, then".

    I'm desperately lonely. I barely have a conversation with a single adult. My husband and I communicate very superficially. We rarely argue. I rarely nagg. I've just learned that those things don't work. The kids are always around because we haven't been able to establish a bedtime routine or anything like that. My husband just can't help me with that and I'm exhausted when I get home from work - I sometimes work a very late shift too, which I can't get out of (I'm a university lecturer).

    I don't know how to dig myself our of this rut. I used to be so outgoing and now I feel crushed. I want to be the old me again. 

    Thanks for letting me vent.

     

     

  • ADHD or abuse? That is the question. by: PhantasmShell 3 years 8 months ago

    Hi everyone. I’m happy to have found this forum because I’m losing my ENTIRE mind. I'm going to try and make this as concise as I can.

     

    Some background: we are in our early 30s, together 10 years, married almost 7. We have a 1 year old and my husband works full time and I am a stay at home mom.

     

    There are many facets to what I’m going through, but one of the biggest is that I don’t even know if my husband actually has ADHD and probably never will. He is self-diagnosed and will never get an official diagnoses as he is VEHEMENTLY against mental illness, therapy, and treatment, almost to a point of paranoia. As an example, I am almost certain I had PPD and when I even suggested that might be possible, he basically acted like it was the most devastating, horrific and shameful thing I could say. I will never be able to get professional help even for myself, and while I know we are not doctors, I need to try and figure out if I’m dealing with an ADHD partner or someone who has other issues.

     

    Here is a list of things I have noticed.

     

    -He is not impulsive in the traditional sense. He is socially aware and tactful, and never has any problems in work or school (graduated on time with honors, never been fired, not a job-hopper, etc).

     

    -He DOES go from one period of intense hyperfocus to the next. If something is on his mind it’s all he will talk about, think about, or do. If he’s starting a hobby or making a major purchase he will research things to absolute death, I’m talking days to weeks, sometimes giving himself anxiety or ‘analysis paralysis’. He has made many exchanges and returns and has sold off many things related to old hobbies he is no longer into. BUT...

     

    -He is VERY responsible with money. He does our budget and pays the bills, and we have never been short on money, drowning in debt, etc etc. everything is always paid on time or early.

     

    -He is normal cleanliness for a guy. Not super messy, not super neat-freak. BUT...

     

    -He basically never does chores unless they are ‘his’ that he likes (mowing, building things, doing repairs etc), and even if I ask I’m met with an ‘ugh, fine’ attitude at best and anger at worst. Now to be fair: I don’t mind doing most of the housework. That is our agreement; I am a mom and housewife and I’m 100% on board with that. But things like plopping dishes on the counter as I am physically loading the washer, sitting on the sofa every night among the messy toddler living room (the untidiness stresses him out to no end I might add) until I come in and start cleaning and going “Oh yeah sorry I probably should have done that”, that sort of thing? If he ever DOES do a chore it’s usually a disaster that I have to redo and any sort of comment, no matter how sweet or constructive is met with “You could just be thankful for my help”.

     

    -He has essentially zero patience for anything. Anything that causes him even a microscopic amount of delay, frustration, inconvenience, etc. is cause for an explosion, unless of course it’s something new he’s excited to work on or try.

     

    -He has a terrible temper. He has never raised a finger to me or broken anything or whatever, but he’ll snap, argue, insult, gaslight, and make small threats (“If you can’t talk to me about this I’m sleeping in the guest room.”) and even pick fights if he’s stressed or having a bad day. I’m walking on eggshells frequently.

     

    -His attention span/short term memory seems to be getting a bit worse, or maybe I’m just noticing it more. Things I say are never heard, things he goes to do are often forgotten upon arrival (“What did I come upstairs for?”), etc. 

     

    -He can be extremely controlling. There is ALWAYS a comment or opinion on what I should be wearing, cooking, doing, saying, watching, going to do, buying, etc. I watch a certain Youtuber? So beneath me, I should be learning something instead. Tried almond-shaped nails? Trashy, cut them short again. Dyed my hair? Gee I hope I get to see your natural color ever again, it’s so pretty, it’s been FOREVER since you haven’t been using dye (it’s been about 6 months and before that my hair was natural for literal years), etc. 

     

    -He has an extremely high sex drive, and my participation is not enough. I’m supposed to be a starry-eyed nymphomaniac or I ‘don’t find him attractive’ etc etc. I have a pretty moderate/maybe low sex drive, but while I’m happy to try and meet him in the middle and do enjoy the romance, unless I come into it already foaming at the mouth it’s not good enough.

     

    -Almost everything is an argument. His short temper and explosive frustration turn even the simplest things into a battle where I am always wrong, losing, or on the back foot. He fights less and less fairly with every passing year, and there have been times where he has said something so insane my mouth has fallen open in shock. Again, to be fair: I am NOT perfect. I don’t always argue right, I have trouble articulating myself, and I can be emotional, stubborn and defensive. I cry a lot, not on purpose but it’s how my body copes with stress. But there have been things I would never say to him or things that are off-limits that don’t really get reciprocated. I have been called names, accused of lying CONSTANTLY, threatened with sleeping in another room or staying in a hotel, told I was a lazy/bad parent, and the latest favorite term used almost daily: I’m gaslighting him. It just happened this morning when I told him twice the tea already had sugar in it, he added more sugar, and then it turned into “You never said that. Ever. Stop gaslighting me.”

     

    I know this is already too long, but I need to add one more thing. I have just painted a horrible picture of the man I love, and I need everyone to understand it is NOT ALL BAD. My husband is smart, funny, loving, and an amazing partner and father. He works so hard for my daughter and I and nothing matters more to him than my happiness and approval. He is so thrilled I’m a stay at home mom and compliments me multiple times a day on how beautiful and wonderful I am and what a great job I do with our daughter. He has made me a smarter and better person. The sun is out a lot of the time in our marriage, but when the clouds roll in it’s always a hurricane. Divorce is not an option, even though sometimes it almost feels easier than the insanity I’m dealing with. I want to learn how to navigate the storm, not go overboard. 

     

    Thank you for reading, if you did. Even if no one says anything to this post I’m so thankful to just be able to get all of this out of my head. I’m tired of wondering if I’m just being lowkey abused or if I actually have a husband struggling with mental illness.

  • Love, sociopathic traits, ADHD by: IntoSpace 3 years 8 months ago

    Do any of you feel that love is not in the air? One of the things I've found most weird is that my BF tells me constantly, in fact far too much, that he loves me. When I say far too much I mean at inapparopriiate times, like when something important is going on I have to deal with, like issues with fmaily, spending time with a friend etc, will bombard me with grand declations of love and gifs and all sorts that I can''t respond to because I'm doing something else. Ok the odd one, fine, but it's like someone yelling at me when I'm trying to do something important. It really gets me because it comes like an avalanche, I know if i don't reply it's rude, but I can'trise that level of emotion whilst hanging with my sick friend or guiding my young adult son. Why can't it be beforehand or wait til later? 

     

    Or he'll say weird things like, I'm love you so much and I'm so happy you are not sleeping with someone else. (He's 50). I find that pretty offensive, I'm middle-aged woman - it's a pandemic - I'm not even mixing -- how the hell would I anyway? It seems nonsense speak to me. Big head messing.

    But when he says he loves me -- I actually don't feel it in the air. Like, I always can feel things: you know when someone has something to say or something?I can usually feel the vibrations of love, or sadness, or angers. It's not that I've lost the feeling, because I can pick it up with others. Tone of voice, eyes, all that jazz.

    So when he says he loves me, lately,when he's pissed me off or I tried to end it, I've said I really don't think you do. (I feel I am serving a purpose, but I don't feel the love.)

    And when he has cried with upset, I can see the panic on his face, perhaps a tear. Then he gives me a sermon on why we are perfect. But I don't feel the sadness hanging in the air. Maybe it's because I'm baffled that he thought nothing was wrong even though I've tried to talk about it. Or we have talked about it at length. He'll say, we haven't said what the other wants. I think we do all the time, but it goes unheeded. It has really confused me. I have a grown up son and he saif the same thing to me the other day, indepentently of me. He is very emotionanlly aware and can sense people like I can, but we sense nothing.

    My son asked if I thought he was a sociopath (I've even asked me boyfriend directly), because he doesn't seem to respond to the other person in a conversation, but rather stays on himself (and at the same time, it seems for a reason). But I think this adhd? Because he genuinely tries to add in tokens of caring and loving behaviour. He always seems joyous to arrive... then it kind of goes wrong.

    I was so tired the other week from minor surgery and infection, I asked him to make dinner the next time we met (I usually do), it turned into a great fanfare, he was doing it because he loved me so much, he loved making me happy, he'd spent so much money on food (what have I done this past year? 3 timeper week, a couple of times a day?!!), and this was an expression of love. This went on for about 3 to 4 days leading up to making dinner, then for hours on the night. It was very very lovely. But also kind of broke my will. It was supposed to be something to make my life easier, but I ended up having to be part of it and cheerleading when i could barely get about and needed rest. And I get no recognition. In fact when I cook, he talks about something from 20 years ago and I say, it would be nice if you could actually pay some attention or interest to this delightful gourmet meal I'm preparing. 

     

    It just baffles me. He denies quite a lot, missed details, insists on knowing everything about me. Sometimes I call him out and say he's lied about something, and he says he hasn't. But it's more like he doesn't see the lie, and denies to acknowledge it.

    Sorrry for ranting, it's like it's all adding up. To...er... I don't know what.

    x

  • Communication failure, and the effects..... by: c ur self 3 years 8 months ago

    One thing that I have realized trying to have a (serious) conversation with my add wife is, it's basically impossible...Never in my life have I been involved in so many wasted words, and conversation attempts...Based on six years of reading posts here, so many of you understand this...A person who does not want to hear you, want!  When a person's life isn't a responsible one, they know it....Typical behavior for adult irresponsibility is denial, blame, anger, defensiveness, bullying or running away...But many of us who feel like we are drowning in the chaos and dysfunction can't help but try to point it out....Our voice is our only way to bring attention to the pain of being disrespected and used....And when it isn't heard, we struggle in our minds how to make this person understand what they or either blind to, or just don't care....So many self absorbed, hyper focus type minds, have no room, or ability, to consider their spouses needs for what they vowed to be in their lives...Hyper focus lust for excitement really has nothing to do w/ mature lasting love....

    So we start pursuing ways to live with a person, who isn't capable (or just refuses) of self awareness and the work that a marriage relationship takes...Even though we all face very similar behaviors, there is still difference's in each of our relationships....Some of you may be able to calmly communicate, your spouse's and you, may both be self aware and take ownership...That's not the case with us...Of course it's been much better the past few years...But I feel for each of you, who like myself, has come to realize all the wasted words (unheard, and unwanted) that goes on between us...

    We had a good conversation a few days ago....The simple reality is I've loved her, I attempt to do the responsible things as a husband, I have never in 12 + years pushed her away...She has shown me that she doesn't love me based her life style and her priorities....(She didn't deny this in conversation) It's very difficult to accept....I reached this acceptance of her reality several years ago, (so I could place boundaries to limit conflict) all but this one thing.....The hardest thing for me has been accepting that my wife's primary reason for being with me is for what it benefits herself, and for the fact I make her life easier.....That's why she has no convictions to honor her vows and be that loving spouse....We have sex, but, in 12 years she has never been available (that I remember) when I approached her...Unless it was planned....Any other time she has to control it, so she puts me off until the next day or some day in the future....I've lived with it, but, I've decided...It's not OK!...

    In a text message (which lead to the conversation) I told her she needs to move out, and she should get counseling for her gaming addiction....Our whole marriage most of our arguments have started when I've pointed out her selfish (self absorbed) and abandoning  life style...It's actually been very freeing admitting to myself that my wife doesn't love me....I have felt total relief the past few days....

    I love her, and pray for her...But, for her to not return my love willingly, be available, do the work in the marriage, prioritize her husband  (us, two being one) is not OK to me any longer... I can't force it, and it wouldn't be real if I could...I want her, and myself, to be in situations we think is healthy and right for each of us...I want her to find contentment....I want contentment...Neither of us have contentment in this one-sided marriage...I'm wise enough to know, a person most always pursue's what they love....

    c

     

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