Hi everyone

I wanted to introduce myself.

My name is Phillipa, I am 62, been married 42 (!) years to M.

Our son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8 and has since (through treatment) become an incredible, high-functioning and happy adult.

Somehow we never got a formal diagnosis for M. although the signs were always there (inability to keep a job, distracted, no empathy, very argumentative, impuslive, blurts out inappropriate things, lies, hyper-focuses on computer...)

Anyway 2 years ago he did go and get a formal diagnosis which was of course confirmed as ADHD.

He is also being treated for anxiety and depression with Wellbutrin and goes to a therapist once a week.

He is not on medication for ADHD but is finally willing to consider it.

I am completely wiped out as his spouse and sometimes feel that I just don't care any more.

But I guess that is not true as here I am - reaching out to another support group!

Reading here helps a lot

Thanks, Phillipa

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD. He's always been chaotic, disorganised, forgetful, late didn't make the best choices ect. But before we had kid's it wasn't a huge deal for me.  Don't get me wrong, he did massive damage to our relationship, but it wasnt a life or death thing. He was very happy, fun, laid back, and didn't have a problem with me being the organized one. I was young and naive. 

We got married and he started medication shortly after when I did some research and then got him to a doctor. He improved slightly with his impulsiveness, which made me feel it would continue to improve. We decided to have kids as he is fabulous with kids (being a big kid himself).

Well, since then I've been a wreck of anxiety due to constantly having to watch over his parenting due to him making incredibly stupid and dangerous decisions while parenting them. A great recent example is he attempted to take our kids out in a bike trailer, riding on the road in the dark on snowy roads with no lights. Other examples are he refuses to fasten the car seat up correctly when driving with them, he almost let a stranger at a camp site take our three year old son down to the beach (we did not know this person) alone prior to my stopping it, he doesn't put bike helmets on the kids, he invited several strangers to our campfire on that same trip during covid, and shared food with them and refused to social distance, he doesn't social distance or act careful any other time and I have asthma and our son is at risk, he feeds our son who's got nutrient deficiencies candy and sugar all day if left to his own devices, he leaves charger cords left plugged in all over the house (I have to do a scan daily several times a day), pills lying around, scissors and dangerous tools all over the place, he forgets to put plug blockers back in after removing them, one of the worst is he - after his father became voilent in our home after drinking and we agreed he wasn't to drink around our kids or be left alone with them,.he still allows him to drink around them and tries to leave him alone with them, he himself has been caught driving them after drinking (only 3 beers he'll say), he smokes weed in front of them when he gets too messed up to think about it, ge has alcohol and weed issues that he refuses to admit, the list goes on. He doesn't remember to feed them, or put them to bed on time if he's left to his own devices, ect. And all of this has no consequences to it for him, because in order for me to let him suffer consequences, I would be putting my childrens safety at risk. 

He loses it on me daily saying I'm micromanaging his parenting. That I'm not adventurous, im negative, I'm anxious ect ect. And yes, I am anxious. I no longer feel like myself. I've lost myself in managing him. From having to watch over all the time, and go behind him to check on things to ensure my kids don't get put in danger or seriously injured. 

Along with this, he's on Vvanse and has become incredibly and increasingly arrogant and haughty, angry, and emotionally abusive. 

And to top it off, he denies he has adhd and states he only takes it for energy, doesn't believe in adhd, and that anyone could fail that test. If I bring it up, he becomes enraged and loses it. It's not really permitted to be spoken about in our house and I'm tired of this. When I started really suffering from anxiety due to all this craziness, chaos, and safety concerns, he began to gaslight me, making my anxiety the scapegoat for his terrible choices and bad behaviour. You have anxiety, your being paranoid, I'm just not paranoid like you, all my friends think your paranoid ect. I know his friends and they def know very well how adhd he is and how he makes bad choices, so I don't buy it one bit. I've spoken to them, they know im non adhd and very organized and level headed. But of course, when someone is gaslighting you, telling you daily you have anxiety, you get worse anxiety! And it's become so bad I'm now on medication. He's not there for me one bit and never has been. I'm emotionally alone. Our intimate life is non existent as I've lost so much respect for him I have no desire left for him. And yet I still love him and can't let go. I wish I had realized all this would happen before we had kids. My family no longer speaks to him or his family after the way he has been treating me and after his fathers voilent episode. They have anger demons the both of them. When he becomes angry he gets incredibly emotionally abusive, name calling, put downs, mean comments, low blows. Then the silent treatment, treating me like a room mate he hates, and pouting for weeks. I gave up trying to apologize (taking all blame that wasn't mine to take) as it only opened a door for more gaslighting and blame on me with no apology from him for his hand, and it was emotionally destroying me. I set a boundery that I don't care how long it drags on for, i would ignore it and treat it like a pouting teenager. When we had small babies I was treated like I didn't exist and he went on mini mid life crisises, trying to turn hobbies into careers, befriending single women, drinking himself silly, dissappearing all night, and blamed me. I was completely alone with the babies (emotionally and physically). I've never been able to forgive him for that. 

We sleep in separate beds. He leaves for work prior to me and the kids waking, and doesn't come home until well past 530pm. And he states hes swamped with work and can't catch up 24-7. Yet he has very few jobs on the go (construction) and I've yet to see invoices go out for all this supposed work. He blows up if I bring it up. And I know hes lolly gagging around all day in his office getting nothing done and won't admit it. Financially, he's failing this family and blowing up on me when I state I'm going back to work so I can pay bills myself without having to ask for money and get answers like, my accounts low, can you wait a while ect. I had my own career and I'm better educated then him and he thinks I won't make as much as him when he literally makes nothing and works 12 hour days. I have a business degree and ran a department for a huge franchise. It's honestly laughable as it's his low self esteem at play. He constantly complains hes depressed and blames me and our marriage yet makes no steps to work on his adhd or acknowledge his hand in what's happened. My counsellor told me I need to tell him I've lost respect for him. I don't even want to know what effect that would have on his temper. 

Im so hopeless. I can't leave him and leave my kids alone with him 50% of the time in the event of a divorce, as I'm scared for their safety, but staying in this situation is sucking the life out of me.

Does anyone else with an adhd spouse fear for their kids safety??  Does anyone have advice? Even how to get someone with adhd out of denial to see the damage they are doing to their marriage and family??  

Hi everyone! I joined this blog earlier this year, and have been wanting to post for a while! Earlier this year, my bf was diagnosed with ADHD. I'm an MFT Trainee, and I'm the one who encouraged him to get assessed. I'm surprised it took me so long to connect the dots! 

I'm very grateful that my partner was so willing to get assessed, and I know not everyone is as open to it. I'm also very grateful that my partner was willing to take medication as well. He is still on the first medication the doctor put him on, and it has worked very well. I noticed an improvement pretty quickly. However, things are still pretty hard. 

I think the biggest issue for me right now is that we've been engaged for 3 years, and have been together for 13 years. I have a lot of anger and animosity because I feel like it took too long for him to propose, and I think it's crazy that we still aren't married. We have lived together the past 7 years, and we own a car together. I have tried to talk to him about starting a guest list, and the times I tried, he wasn't very into it at all, the conversation never goes anywhere. It makes me feel like he just doesn't want to get married, but I think the issue is his difficulty in planning. I was already parentified as a kid, so I really don't want to baby my partner and hold his hand throughout the entire wedding planing process, but I'm worried that it's the only way it will ever get done. Anyone have a similar experience? 

The reality of a mind that can't function normally means mental illness....It always has, and probably always will...The reason I got into this marriage, is the same reason I"ve had so much mental suffering in this marriage....Ignorance concerning mental illness, (add) and the refusal (for years) to realize it's going to play a role in my marriage relationship...A role that hinders or stops most every aspect of normal husband and wife interaction....I"ve lived it going on 13 years, and I've read the stories from many of you....It's always the same....The scale, mild to severe (1-10) can be different for everyone, the effects can vary, but, it's the same debilitating mental disease...

People with mental illness (adhd, bi-poplar, personality disorder, etc) can be easily offended and can retreat to denial very easily....Why? Because they aren't given any recognition as having a handicap for one. (School, Jobs, Most Spouses) They are expected to perform at the same levels as everyone else....And, maybe more prevalent is their desire to be viewed as normal, not recognize it in themselves (behaviors), and their strong desire to not have anyone else recognize it in them....So many spend their lives behind the mask of " I'm fine, when they know (and the spouse know's) they are broken...We as human's all have our places of brokenness....To be broken (viewable or not) doesn't mean you aren't lovable, and aren't capable of returning love...But it does mean the reality of the presence of it's existence should be owned and understood, before you jump into a marriage relationship where responsible work has to happen by both parties....From my experience, most add minds think they are completely able to tackle life...And that is true for the most part, many are highly intelligent, and gifted individuals. When they are dealing with themselves, friends, co-workers, they can be very likable, and very capable....When they are single, their intimate settings are their own, it doesn't require, work, organization, attention, memory, focus.....Marriage and parenthood do.... 

This isn't putting everyone in the pot of denial, but, as many of you spouses know, the numbers who refuse to accept it, talk about it, and own it openly, are few....

c