Hi,

I am new here (non ADD), and I know that every relationship and ADD person is different, but do any of you non-ADD-female partner have some advice on how not be afraid of arguments?

 I always end up starting never-ending/heartbreaking disputes (by acting strange, poor listening, avoiding) because I am so focused on trying to avoid arguments, and when solving the argument I never get it right. My partner ends up feeling rejected, not listened to, and he has all the reasons to believe so, but somehow his idea of me is not quite right. We can't build anything because it is so hard to speak to me. Also, unlike what I read on other posts he is more the one acting like a parent and me behaving more and more like a child.

Feeling particularly desperate today because of another small argument leading to all the wrong I did. And feeling so lonely and confused about everything.

Once in a while, I check in here, seeing if there are any experiences that mirror mine. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close, everyone's experience is incredibly different. So, this is mine...

When I first met my now wife, she was funny, impulsive, opinionated (not as a pejorative), intelligent and used that intelligence well. She's still all of that, and each has its advantages and disadvantages.

Her habit of simply talking over the top of me, or other people, has always irritated me. Unfortunately, it doesn't sit well with my own issues of feeling overlooked (from childhood). I could probably deal with the frequent interruptions, otherwise. It's like she's often only half there, or when we are talking, she has an idea but can't hold it until I finish. She tries to finish what I'm saying, often getting it wrong, instead of just waiting until I've delivered the information which would allow for a response based on the correct information, not her own speculation. Othertimes, she just talks over the top of me with an entirely different topic, as though I wasn't even speaking.

She has only recently been diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD, which only came about after our daughter, at age 11, was diagnosed with it. I've read a lot on the condition, especially Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey. My wife ticks so many boxes.

The same things that irritate me do the same to my daughter, who has picked up some of my wife's bad communication habits as a way of being heard. I sometimes have to talk over the top, as well. It can be the only way of being heard. I can see my wife's and daughter's relationship becoming more and more difficult, and I worry for the future. I've pointed out to my daughter that mum suffers from the same condition she does and that's why she does it. But, like me, you can understand a thing, but dealing with it day in, day out, puts an awful strain on yor relationship. There are days where I just want to walk out, but then, that's also one of my issues, a tendency to want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

It's been going on so long now that I'm always primed for my response. It's like the water table is full and it doesn't take much for it to overflow. The neural pathways are well trodden.

I don't want to live out the rest of my days like this (I'm 60), but nor do I want to leave my wife. I try really hard to put a lid on it. I may get snippy, but I mostly keep my mouth shut. One of the problems is that she said that previous partners have pulled her up on some of those behaviors and she hates it and gets instantly defensive. I feel like that kind of closes the door on me raising it. She takes medication, but really only so she can work really efficiently. I've tried several times over the years to raise it, but it never ends well and I often feel like I'm always to blame (another one of my issues!). I'm really bad at dealing with conflict, as is she. I think we're both terrified of the can of worms we might open.

I love her, and she's my closest friend, but I really struggle at times, and I hate seeing her ADHD affect the kids.

I'm sure that the only way forward is to talk, is to see someone, but I just don't feel that brave.

I finally read the ADHD book with my spouse. Well we listened to the book on tape.

I was amazed at how much we matched the book. And of course with knowledge of ADHD comes more anxiety. I honestly don't know if I can spend the rest of my life dealing with my husbands diagnosis. We've both been working from home since Covid and I've noticed he breaks down several times a day! He's exhausting! He can't take any criticism and I feel like all I do is criticize! I also realized that I have been enabling him for almost two decades. We have a business together and I've run things - because he cannot focus. He's also had other medical issues - and I've been the one to hold our lives together. True to the ADHD diagnosis - he's easy going and receives the praise for our work -  I'm often misunderstood and bearing the burden of holding it together.

Reading the book makes me realize how much I've cheated myself over the years - thinking I had to help him - feeling obligated to him. I'm old before my time - my hair is graying early - I've gained weight and I've got back issues. I can't believe how much stress I've been under! I'm worried about my own health! I feel like I can run a business without him - for all that he's contributed!! And yet, I feel like a member of an ADHD cult. Seriously - who am I without the chaos? I am afraid of starting over - of being alone - of years of therapy....

We finally had the results meeting with the (real this time, leader of local CHADD) ADHD expert.  She told my wife that she meets the criteria for ADHD and would benefit from ADHD treatments.

Afterward, my wife complained that I had been much harsher in rating her than she had.  The psychologist pointed out that my scores were much higher than how she rated herself.  My wife said that I had rated everything as "severe", when most of the ratings were actually "moderate" or "moderate to severe."  Even by her own ratings, however, my wife met the ADHD criteria.  It helped that her adopted brother had rated her symptoms just a little bit below what I had rated them.  The psychologist said this was probably because he does not live with her and see her on a regular basis.

Complicating the path forward is that our daughter is once again in a psych hospital.  Her symptoms have gotten worse since her first hospitalization in July.  She has progressed to episodes where she runs out barefoot at night in the rain, walks through the woods. walks on and lays down on railroad tracks, and slides down a very tall and steep embankment.  She also recently told a friend on the phone that she sometimes thinks of cutting her breasts off.  She not says she hears voices, she thinks that hearing voices is a good thing.  She has recently added two new voices.  She now says that the voices can take over all or part of her body.  Some of the psych hospitals have labeled this a "behavioral" and refused to admit her.  Yet we can't keep her safe and dread what may happen at any moment.  When we took her home from one ER when she could not be admitted, she bolted from our car.  There was a large police and fire department search involving floodlights and a dog.