Melissa's last newsletter was about "bad behavior." https://www.adhdmarriage.com/newsletter/news-1-5

I found this came at the perfect time as I'm trying to forgive my husband (ADHD spouse) for some awful things he had said and done to me.

(Very) Long story short, my business is closing at the end of September and we have to personally file for bankruptcy. After working with a business advisor, it came to my attention that I was taken advantage of by the bank and my ex-business partner whom I purchased the business from. I take full accountability for my own mistakes in not doing more research beforehand and trusting too easily. Now this business partner gets to walk away with a million dollars and we're losing our home. The universe is unfair. When I first shared this news with my husband, he was very supportive and understanding. However, since then, we've been getting hit with more bad news after the other. Most recently, we found out that my father-in-law has cancer and has a 50/50 chance of surviving after surgery. The responsibility to take care of him and his end of life planning will most likely fall on us. 

Understandably, my husband is feeling overwhelmed by emotions, mostly a loss of control over his life. For the most part, we are able to talk openly about our feelings and try to support each other. However, the other night he lost control over his emotions. He expressed his anger at me by calling me stupid and careless; blamed me for ruining our lives and the life of our unborn daughter (yes, to make matters more complicated we're expecting our first child in a few months). He told me he wanted to punch me in the face and choke me. This is the first time he has ever expressed wanting to hurt me physically. I was scared, but another part of me tuned him out because I had become so numb to all the drama. A little part of me thought that if he did hurt me, I maybe deserve it for fucking up our lives so badly. He did not hurt me. After he left the room, I went for a drive to clear my head. I decided to drive to my parent's cabin to spend the night away from him. During my drive there, he called and demanded I come home or else I would regret what was going to happen next. He made these vague threats and I didn't really know what he meant, but I definitely knew I didn't want to go back home. Then he texted me and told me I had to be home by midnight, no exceptions. He said that that was his only warning and I had to make my choice, and that he hopes I'm happy with what I get. I eventually went home, spent the night in a different room, locked the door and avoided him until he went to work the next morning. 

The next morning he texted me that he regret feeling the ways he did. That he wants to be a more tolerant person, but is wounded. He loves me and hoped that I would have a better day. 

So... what do I make of this? To me, this isn't a real apology. He harps on me for saying "I'm sorry, but...(explanation of my behavior)." Lately, I've come to accept the fact that I will not always get an apology from my ADHD spouse and must choose to forgive anyway. Forgiveness is a decision, not a process that begins with the other person accepting responsibility for their wrongdoings. I appreciated this quote that Melissa included in her newsletter: 

“Bad behavior is the language of the wounded.  You can hate the behavior and still love the person.  That leaves room for forgiveness.” -Jane Fonda

I love my husband. I see that he is wounded, but I hate his behavior (threats of violence, manipulation, etc.). 

Where do you draw the line between excusable behavior and abuse? Where do you draw the line between forgiving and reinforcing negative behavior? 

Thanks for reading. Please send positive vibes my way. Sometimes the universe is fucked out of balance, but I'm hopeful for equilibrium soon. 

I'm teh ADHDer and I'll cut to the chase - I've gotten so busy in life that I've neglected to pay attention to my partner - a familiar story I'm sure.  She says that the only time I pay attention to her is for sex and that I really don't do anything to make her feel special.  I'd tend to agree with her to a point - I do try the little things like always calling her at lunch or send a nice love note text.  But that's it.  I need help . . . I used to be romantic and came up with some good ideas.  However, I am frustrated because my time is limited because I work my main job which has become more stressful lately, a second job on weekends at night, and then there's life during the rest of teh week.  Also, since she's in control of the purse, I have no idea how much money we have, or am always told that things are tight, so there's no surprising her like she's done for me.  I feel like my hands are tied many times, worn out at other times.  Then when she finally gets so frustrated she bursts, I feel like any gesture I do now is just a reaction and not genuine. . . .when that wears off, true to ADHD, my mind goes elsewhere ("Crisis averted, now back to my regular life" or the whole "now, not now" dynamic).  There are other factors in play that I know I'm missing, but I wanted to keep this short and sweet.  Finally, a bit of background - married for 21 years, 3 kids ranging from 8th grade to college. 

So, I'm looking for ideas, suggestions, etc from both sides on what do I do with this, how can I improve, or even just "romantic suggestions" that fit within my time / money constraints.  (BTW, flowers used to be OK, but they just get knocked over by the cat. . . )  Also, other than trying harder, what are some ways to show her that I love her and that I give more attention to her. 

Thanks for any help - and sorry to you ADHD spouses from guys like me.

Hi.  First posting.  Married 27 years.  For the longest, thought it was behaviors resulting from addictive personality ( recovery/alcoholism 30+years).  But I got knocked in the head in marital counseling 10 years ago when we were told (didn't you know he has ADHD?).  Dang.  Should've known better.  But no real big change, other than me letting him "think out loud",  me "letting go" of expectations, me taking care of myself, me creating a separate bank account for my business and emergency fund, me stepping back and not rescuing when natural consequences come, and me not trying to excuse his behavior to others.

.....Wait I said no big change, right?  WRONG!.  I need to be thankful for the results of all the stress and labor on my part (the halo gets heavy!!!!)  Because:  I am now laughing more.  I say "no" more.  I'm learning how to have fun and not be so serious.  And I'm slowly learning compassion for my partner.  Who, by the way, is taking medicine.  Told me the other day he will never go into another business scheme, ever.  Is working through paying off over 70k in business debt without asking me for anything.  Who lost 40 lbs and trying to get off  Nicotine.  Who sometimes thanks me for paying for most of  the other bills.  We laugh together more and we're starting to dream again (more rational dreams this time)

However, I am utterly exhausted.  The years have taken its toll.  And when you throw in aging parents with caregiving issues and other family members not understanding "why won't he call"  "he should have time", now I'm having to say a firm no when people want me to be a "stand in" for his responsibilities.   And it's very hard when I take time off for me or a business decision to have a life rather than being a slave to work, (so we struggle financially--remember I pay most of the bills) to be told "You chose that"  ....

Tips on staying motivated?

I am a 50 year old female diagnosed with ADD six years ago. Before that, my husband had a difficult time understanding and tolerating my forgetfulness. I went on medication for a few years but had to see a psychiatrist once a month for a prescription. I stopped seeing the psych and taking the meds because my husband complained about the expense and we didn’t think it was really helping any. A few years later, i asked my primary care physician for a script, but the one he prescribed made me very irritable and did not seem to be really helping either. So i stopped. Now that i am perimenopausal, my forgetfulness is getting worse. For the most part, i am on top of things. We have a 13 year old daughter and i schedule everything pertaining to her - appointments, extracurricular activities, parent teacher conferences, tutoring, etc. We also have a small farm and i do everything pertaining to the four horses we own - keeping track of vet visits, shoes, exercising them, etc. In addition to managing the household and our 19 year old son who is in college.

I forget parts of conversations my husband and i have. It is usually small stuff but it enrages him when i forget something and i try to explain what happened. I don’t know if he thinks i am doing it on purpose or if i am arguing with him but he doesn’t want to hear any excuses. After a particularly bad week, he texted me (while i was away at my niece’s wedding) to say if we went on this way, our marriage would be destroyed. I suggested we use a joint calendar and he said no, it won’t help. He also said i needed to grow up and stop making excuses (when i said, my ADD and nearing menopause was making my memory worse). So, i have scheduled an appointment with a therapist and a psychiatrist to go back on meds.

My fear is the meds, my writing everything down and seeing a psych and therapist will help a little but won’t cure me and we will end up in divorce anyway. 

I do not know what else to do. He is not very tolerant and he only wants me to put myself in his shoes but can’t put himself in my shoes.

Any suggestions. He says he will go to therapy but in the past, he’s thought therapy was a shame and I will be shocked if he follows through.