Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Now who could have seen that coming? Oh, yeah, I did! by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 4 months ago

    Both of our kids were really,really pressing to get guinea pigs.  I kept saying no because they have not been responsible and we (I) would end up taking care of them.  My wife kept saying that our 16 year old son was getting better and we should let him try.

    Now, our son failed all classes except gym in the final quarter.  Thankfully, he passed for the year.  He has decided he is "nocturnal" and does not get out of bed all day.  He keeps saying he will do things and then does not do them.  "Dad, i am out of clothes."  "I have been telling you to move your laundry from the washing machine into the dryer."

    Guess what?  He decided he does not want guinea pigs after all!

    My wife has rewritten this into me being on board with him getting them, not me being pressured into agreeing.  No, "Gee, I guess you were right."

    Part of my giving in was that she would promise to be the one to take care of them so I would not have too.  We'll see where that goes, especially given that she does not remember pressuring me into agreeing.

    BTW, I have always been the one to clean the kids' fish tanks.  The fish would be long dead without me.

  • Misplaced Intentions? by: smd1409 5 years 4 months ago

    I believe that it is very important to review why we love our partners, and to be truly honest with it. Consider the two statements below:

    1. I love my partner.

    2. My partner loves me.

    If you love your partner, then you will want to spend time with them, to cherish them, to show your love for them. No matter what, the potential is there that you yourself will insist upon nurturing the relationship in order to help the marriage succeed: thick and thin; highs and lows; good and bad. However, if we are to follow the second statement, our relationship now becomes dependent upon the actions of our partner in order to keep the love going. Once this happens and the partner falls short, it becomes tempting to blame them, and although technically we were the ones who expected that they keep the love going, our expectations may have contributed to a ruined relationship.

    During marriage, the two statements can be very easily mixed: 'I love my partner, therefore my partner should love me'. Soon enough, this may be corrupted and instead becomes: 'I will only love my partner if they love me'.

    Knowing this, I say once again: I believe that it is very important to review why we love our partners, and to be truly honest with it.

    • If you love your partner because he or she was kind, then your love is dependent upon a past kindness you strongly admire, such that it is worthy of your dedication for the rest of your life. Any extra acts of kindness will only increase your love for them, therefore the potential effort you can put into nurturing your relationship.
    • If you love your partner because he or she is kind, then your love is dependent upon their present acts of kindness; if it fluctuates, so will yours, and this may turn into a vicious cycle that spirals down (or up). To prevent this, decide whether your partner's changes were justified or not.
    • If you love your partner because he or she was/is kind to you, then your love is dependent upon their past/present kindness exclusively to you.

    I've found that knowing both accurately and precisely who you are and what you will and won't accept is quite important in deciding the opportunities open for your relationship to move forward, as well as checking if these intentions decided to develop or change over time.

  • Indifference... by: c ur self 5 years 4 months ago

    I think we maybe are discussing the wrong spouse on this web site, way to often...What happen's to the mind and emotions of a person who is subjected to denial (behavior blindness) and indifference from their spouse over an extended period of time (years for most of us)??....I know I am damaged to some degree...Even if it's just thinking about it an unhealthy amount...(thought dominating)...

    I know the amount of effort given by men and women, who see and accept the big picture of life, and encourage the same have to have some long time emotional damage when regularly subjected to tunnel vision, hyper focus, and indifference.....Most of us would love for our spouse's to have the ability to set us down, talk to us openly about the real way they live life...Even if they were telling us that they had no convictions to change...As long as they were making honest statements about their real life behaviors....

    I have talked a lot about acceptance, and I do believe it is a must we don't sugar coat reality...But what is the cost to our emotions? So my question is..."What are we going to do (if anything) to help the spouse who has been damaged by living with and attempting to communicate with a spouse who is indifferent (no signs of care or remorse) and in denial?? 

    Those of us who have attempted to be the fly on the wall, and those who have studied and read the books, pretty much know what is going to happen w/ our spouses...(attitudes and behaviors)....But what about the effected spouse?....What about the spouse who struggles (is damaged) with this seemingly unending mental and emotional torture? I don't drink or do drugs of any kind...So I can't get away from reality? So I will just say this....Those of you who have found a way (The Way;) to ignore, and not get sucked into the debates with a closed mind of denial....You are my hero's!....But sadly, I don't know if the continual exposure to indifference has a happy ending....Unless we find a way to not be effected....I try to keep my focus in Jesus, and seek him for mental clarity, and emotional strength, and wisdom to live under very difficult circumstances..He promise's he will be with me in my troubles...

    But being "hopefully" a some what normal human, and having all the human desires for closeness and intimacy...It makes applying wisdom a battle some day's when she looks so normal....LOL...That's the trap isn't it?? They look so normal, and so good I might add, when we love them....So it's a real chore many days to not allow myself to turn into this poor me victim..LOL...But I just have to count my blessings, take care of myself, and continue to attempt to not over think what I am powerless to change... But the cost of this continued hope (our humanity) has been tough on my emotional stability, and psych....

    I try to never think about what it would be like to set across the table from an adult female who isn't distracted, and lost in their own little world of ramblings (if I can get her to the table)....Some one I could look up at, and catch her calmly w/ awareness, looking into my eyes, smiling and living in the moment...WOW...LOL.....

    Are you emotionally and/or mentally effected by the blame and indifference? How can we help each other?

    c

  • I just gave up all over again by: Brindle 5 years 4 months ago

    I tried to communicate some things.  Some very important things. Some very fundamental things.  

    I cannot be heard. I don’t know where adhd symptoms begin/end and the other stuff like personality, denial, dysfunctional views of relationships, selfishness, simple misunderstanding, communication style, etc, also begin/end.  

    After another attempt, and getting anger in return, I give up all over again.  I cannot be heard yet again, and I don’t know if/when that will happen.  For awhile after this latest attempt, I wondered if he was right, and I was being too sensitive, too this, too that. Was I reframing things to fit my own internal narrative?  I wondered.  But then I remembered.  I know I’m not crazy or viewing things totally in left field because other people tell me their relationship with him is strained, too.  Other people voice hurt over the same things I tried to address.  Extended family members have also given up, and I’ve watched them draw boundaries.  Other people watch him with me and make comments about how our relationship is.  

    I’ve wracked my brain again and again. I’ve tried so many things. I cannot keep trying and pushing.  I think I’m done.  I give up. Again. 

    I think my only way to stay in this marriage and not despise him, stop loving him completely, or become horribly jaded is to view him and think of him in the same way we would view someone who’s been in a terrible accident and now can do nothing to fix the damage to their brain.  That isn’t the truth of our situation, but I think it’s the view I have to have for my own mental health.  For my own heart’s sake.  Because I can’t forever stay mentally in the place where things should be far better, could be far better, but aren’t far better.

    ~ Brin

  • Death by: repeat that please 5 years 4 months ago

    It is coming. Soon. It is no respecter of persons. I  believe on one level that I will live forever in paradise.

    On some other level, or from some very human place, I can't believe that one day I'll leave my body, my loved ones, the trees and sky and football and squirrels and my bedroom. I can't believe that I will never take another breath, another shower, laugh again, read stuff, use my chainsaw. Death happens to you and I'm really sorry about that. Death can't happen to me because I can't die. All of this must continue someplace, somehow; life is too important once you've lived. It cannot simply end. That can't make sense. To love and to think and to see and to ask questions about the meaning of it all are all way to important not to continue inside of us who have lived.

    Sometimes I can't wait for paradise, to emerge in a sparkling beautiful new world. Other times I really cannot fathom that soon I will be dead. 

     

     

  • My adhd partner lies by: hcc 5 years 4 months ago

    Looking for advice on how to stop an adhd husband from lying to cover up things he is ashamed of.  I just got back from a vacation without my husband and saw a couple of new scratches on his brand new truck.  I didn’t say anything about that for a couple days and then asked him what happened.  He said those scratches were there since the winter and that I just never saw them.  I park by his truck everyday.  I know he is lying. He does this occasionally and then tells me I’m a terrible wife for not believing him.  I feel like he is playing mind games woth me.  Any recommendations on how to solve this marriage  problem would be comforting. 

  • What's the one BIG thing? by: c ur self 5 years 4 months ago

    After years (11 now) of trying to come to peace with what is possible in my marriage relationship...I have gotten there....I guess the reason it took so long, was because, I knew deep down I wouldn't like it....And I don't..LOL.....Shortly before I found this web site (6 years ago) I had some break through's, when it comes to the working of an add mind, and most importantly denial by the adder....I've read and written many posts since that time......I was just looking at one of Melissa's comments about denial...."It's denial that causes divorce she says"...And I understand that completely...And as anyone here who deals w/ denial in an add/adhd spouse can attest to....Unless you are willing to face your tendencies, and not excuse or justify the impact on others, then it's going to be impossible to sustain a peaceful life w/ your spouse....You may survive your co-workers, friends, and even your children in part...But the person you are sharing your life with,  (one flesh with) will be effected by everything....

    Is this post just about add/adhd?...No, it's about any of us who are in denial concerning the impact of our behaviors, add or not....I will ask one question here....If an adult is upright, working, living, breathing, thinking, is it still possible for them to not be aware of the effects their behaviors have on their spouse?? I know they can feel hurt, pain and disappointment when it's being administered to them by others...But does it work both ways for their minds?...Or is it just justification and self absorption, because they are that uncaring?? Or, do they internalize their plight in life (the working of their minds) as being broken beyond repair (in capable of any real change?)....thoughts??

    I've read (and wrote a few myself) many posts that starts out w/ my husband or wife is a wonderful person...But, then goes right into how he or she is destroying my life w/ behaviors that they refuse to recognize...Refuse to try to work on, etc.....What is this?? Isn't this denial??...I have all of this good positive energy I put forth on self entertainment, and even helping others in need...But the one thing I am truly accountable for, the work of a H/W I refuse the responsibility of. At some point each of us who lives this way, probably should give our spouse a real answer.?????...At least if we cough up our own heart felt truth about our actions, or non actions....Our spouse can make their life decisions based on attempted honesty...

    One of the hardest things for me in dealing with our marriage dynamic is... There is nothing I can do to HELP, her w/ her struggles...There are things I can do to make it much WORSE....I can add to her defensive nature and create stress and anger in her by...Saying something about her behaviors....Pointing it out!...I can also self inflict more pain on my self, by continuing (after 11 years of denial) to place expectations for her to change....

    (IMO) One of the hardest things for all humans to accept is..."Loving someone, who doesn't return it"....There are a lot of good tear jerkers (movies) made from this concept.... I really love "The Holiday" 2006...Jenna was saying something about being a romantic makes it much harder to endure the abandonment and disinterest....I agree w/ her 100%....The opposite of human Love is probably Indifference....

    I have accepted my wife's loves and life style (the things she places her time, energy, $, into) but it really doesn't make the reality of not having a committed spouse by my side, being attentive, showing love and concern, any easier to deal with....So my one BIG thing is definitely the loneliness, that being married to her produces.....

    With work, and acceptance I am learning to live again, for the most part without resentment....I know I'm important to those who do love me, (God, family, friends, grand babies :))) they are awesome!) and that is really all that matters....I'm not going to waste the blessings of each new day I'm afforded, being held hostage by someone who's placed US in such low priority in her life....As hard as it can be to accept, it's not my deal...I just have to make sure I don't mirror it.....

    I've given her the same wise advice I attempt to live by...Don't get to the end of your life w/ a bunch of regrets (Especially since we know better now!) ...It can't be a good feeling to get the bad new from the doctor (if we are afforded time to see a doctor) and all we can think about is who I need to beg forgiveness from....

    What's your one BIG thing, that you've accepted, (or not) that makes your marriage relationship feel empty/wanting?? 

    c

  • This is ADD by: jennalemone 5 years 4 months ago

    So, right now we have a number of projects H started 1, 2, or 3 years ago.  Like for instance, he tore up a small ceiling area because there were drips coming from upstairs.  The ceiling has been unfinished and sits unattended for 4 months.  There is a shed that has a hanging off door and I have been asking that we decide and work together to fix the door or remove the shed.  It has been an eyesore and a vermin magnet for over a year.  Many more projects that need to be done around our house. He mostly says that he does not feel well this day or that day or the weather is not good....anything to derail me.  Today he started shoveling some dirt from a 4'x 12',  30 year old raised garden which stopped being able to grow anything in it because bacteria and fungus has contaminated the soil. So right now I was watching H with his tractor and wagon on the NEIGHBOR LADY'S LAWN and I asked, "What are you doing?" He said he was "filling up the little indents in her lawn using the soil from the old raised garden".   I reminded him that a few years ago, I took samples of plants and soil to the State Extension and they told me the soil had bacteria/fungus that was infecting anything that was trying to grow in it.  That is why we stopped planting that garden.  I told him he had better not put that all over the neighbors lawn.  He said to me that I was lying.  WHY would I lie???  He kept shoveling the wagon load of dirt on her soil.  WHY was he even using his time to do that to a neighbor's lawn anyhow?  

    This is clearly ADD because in his mind, I'm guessing, he was just totally involved with the shovel, the wagon load of dirt and the tractor. His attention was so focused on the shovel, the tractor, the wagon load of soil, that he could not think about what was appropriate (not doing anything to the NEIGHBOR"S lawn!).  We live on 8 acres of country woodland by a creek....ACRES of woods and rocks to put that soil in many areas that we own.  But in his mind, he was doing the neighbor a favor and can't be interrupted on his mission of working with the tractor, the shovel and the wagon load of soil. I am powerless to stop him.  I and the neighbor lady do not exist in his world of the shovel, the tractor and the wagon load of soil.  The "little lawn dents" are not even visible on a country lawn....we all have "dents", violets, and all sorts of wildflowers growing in our lawns here.   So there he is killing her lawn with infected soil and I feel powerless to stop him.  He, meanwhile, is angry at me for mentioning that the soil was infected and tested.  

    This makes me so upset because it seems so bull-headed and pointless and he is so unable to talk or consider me (or the neighbor lady) or realize that what he is doing is harmful and none of his business.  While those things that ARE his business and his responsibility have been erased from his consciousness.

    I am trying to describe my feelings....frustrated, infuriated, helpless, afraid of our future together and ashamed of all the years I have spent in this sort of situation where I had no voice and, by association, was involved in yet another odd, inappropriate action.

    And I know that he will be slamming things extra hard tonight because I interrupted him with my "lies".

  • So very tired of it all by: Exhausted44 5 years 4 months ago

    Hello. I am a non adhd spouse of an untreated man- we have been married for 22 long years. I just got yelled at because he forgot I had bought tickets to a concert at a local art gallery tonight- and besides that- I scheduled a birthday dinner for he and my son- and the next day- we are hosting the youth group at our house! How could I be so self centered to do all that? Literally all he has to do is show up these events but it’s apparently very problematic. Just one example of the millions of times I have been yelled at over the years. Not just yelled at but attacked personally. I am so selfish, ungrateful, hateful, angry, etc etc. He can’t keep track of anything, he never will initiate any activities with the family, so all the planning and carry out falls to me. And I’m so self centered. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that for the first time in several years he has worked full time this week. We have six kids- five in the home- and except for $200/wk for groceries- I pay all the bills. Until summer I was working two jobs, six days a week to pay for our three boys college tuition. I have bought the adhd marriage book, he agreed to read it but is reading at a very very slow pace. I’m just so tired. 

  • Antidepressants by: SandeeBee 5 years 4 months ago

    Hubby who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I have been going to marriage therapy. His issues are mostly ADHD related and mine are issues of anger and resentment. Even though things have gotten so much better for us I can’t seem to shake the feelings of constant fear that something is going to go wrong again and he is going to break his promises or mess up royally again. He’s driven drunk for example and has had gambling problems but has nipped those in the bud. Anyhow, our therapist is recommending I go on antidepressants for a while so I can combat my anxiety and anger issues. She says anxiety and depression doesn’t always manifest as feeling low and wanting to sleep, which doesn’t happen to me. Generally I am a very positive and productive person but the anger and fear and resentment gets to me a lot. What are all of your thoughts on antidepressants for the non-adhd spouse? I have never had mental health issues and a part of me is thinking if he didn’t eff up so much and make me into this angry monster, I wouldn’t be in this position. Feeling weird about it all but also want to make my marriage work, for us and for the kids. If he is willing to put in the work and get meds, etc. for his issues, should I too? He really has been turning things around. 

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