By way of introduction, my SO and I have been married over 20 years.  I'm the non-ADD partner, and it wasn't until one of our children was diagnosed that we started to realise SO might have ADD as well (about 10 years ago).

Oh, the many wasted years.  We were told when we mere married that, if ever you find yourself thinking negatively about your spouse, it's best to check your own halo before attempting to straighten theirs - meaning, be absolutely certain to clarify thinking, make sure you're in a good emotional place, and not speaking hypocritically.  I took that advice to heart, and had a lot of practise starting in the very first year! I thought I was being selfish by wanting things from my SO, or for feeling hurt when we had communication difficulties, or any number of minor conflicts.  If not my own 'selfishness' I attributed this to the growing pains of getting married, which we'd also been advised on: living full time with someone exposes you to parts of them you might not have known, and provides more opportunities for animosity, requiring hard work and many adjustments.

I felt like I was the one doing all the adjusting, but beat myself up for 'feeling selfish'.  In truth, I'd learned to subjugate my own needs as a way of avoiding conflict due to the number of things that come along with ADD (also due to poor habits learned growing up in a household with a Borderline parent, and avoiding irrational conflicts and outbursts).  It wasn't until I'd sacrificed a great deal of my own health and hit bottom that I had to admit the imbalance in our relationship was more than just me, and more than I could 'solve' on my own.

For a while it made me frequently bitter and resentful, and so very lonely.  Then learning about ADD gave some hope: but not enough, because we weren't able to find a good therapist and SO didn't want to 'shop around' for one that would be useful for diagnosis or treatment.  And so it's been another ten years, and the cycle has largely continued.

I've learned to separate SO's character from their behaviour.  Orlov's book has helped tremendously in generating empathy and overcoming that kind of bitterness - not to be overly dramatic, but it's about the only thing that's enabled me to keep a portion of my heart intact.  But at the same time - even though I understand SO's behaviour, and can process it without feeling bitter, it doesn't do anything for my unmet needs.  I still feel extremely lonely, never desired or desirable, and so often as though I'm challenged to justify myself and my positions instead of being understood and respected despite differences.  I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally; but very much in love.  Probably wouldn't hurt if I wasn't.

The compounding factor in all of this, is that SO is very 'high functioning' with their ADD symptoms.  Between that and our earlier marriage advice (not that I was perfect, by any means!), it not only masked the root of the problems (perceptual and behavioural differences inherent in ADD), but also means we've avoided a lot of the worst conflicts: we don't have nagging, or a parent-child dynamic, or many of the hyper-negative criticisms and the like.  When we have conflicts they don't turn into fights or blow-ups, except for a very few situations where the ADD temper flare really shows.

That 'high functioning' meant they were not diagnosed in childhood, and even looking back it would be hard, other than school performance, to point to their experience and say 'this was clearly ADD'.  They internalised a lot of organisation advice from their parents, and learned to make-do (or find other compensatory strategies).  It wasn't until a deeply enmeshed relationship (marriage) and compounding factors (children) overflowed those habits that things really came to a head.

We're still in the beginning of our journey of discovery and learning.  SO is dragging their feet, for fear of yet-another-personal-failure, or being told they are inadequate or broken - a fear they've long nursed, and don't want to see confirmed (heightened rejection sensitivity) despite reassurances.  Quite the opposite of the liberating 'this isn't a personality flaw' realisation I hoped for.  I'm not nagging, but I am doing some pushing: the alternative is for situational depression to become clinical, and to emotionally 'check out'.  I see and support SO's unique and remarkable strengths, and am coming to this from a position of love, not trying to change who they are or make them non-ADD.  And no, we don't have a critical and embittered relationship of high drama and sharp conflict: but to be so long unequally yoked with my partner is emotionally unsustainable.  I cannot love them from a distance, or live a parallel life.  I am doing everything I can to learn and be supportive, but until more progress is made... how do I keep from collapsing?

Where can the non-ADHD partner find strength and emotional fulfillment even when it feels like your heart is broken?  When you're all alone, with your best friend and greatest love within arm's reach - but out of touch?

Non Wife of an ADHD husband. HSP. Me. 
I haven't expressed anger to my husband for many years. I realized I turned it " in" and it ruined me. I was desperately trying to not let resentment grow, tried to maintain emotional connection. I stopped nagging many year ago, then I had to stop requesting too as that was treated by him same. No criticism of him whatsoever. No imput on what he's talking about as it was irritating him. Actually looks like listening to me for more than a couple of sentences if annoying for him even if I'm plain agreed with him. Do I grew silent. And now am ready to fall apart into dust. I bit prematurely but I'm there
 

First, some background.  Last spring, our diagnosed ADHD son/daughter (recently came out as transgender, but this background also covers the period before that) wanted to be emancipated and to move to another state to live with internet contacts.  I feared this was internet grooming.  He (at the time) missed a lot of school and wound up failing most of his classes for the final marking period.  He also ran away one time after arguing with my wife while I was out of town.  The police were involved in looking for him.  In September, I took him to a gaming convention.  He would not return to the hotel when the convention was done for the day.  I wound up filing a missing persons report.  He stayed with internet/gaming friends ranging from ages 19 to 26.  Later, I heard her (after coming out) tell a counselor that this was "the farthest I have ever gone" sexually.  We demanded that she pay us back the money for the trip, but she has continued to refuse to do any work around the house.  A week or so later, there was an altercation where she knocked over a chair that hit my undiagnosed ADHD wife and stormed out of the house.  Yet another missing persons report.  Then we learned that she posted suicidal ideas (including "good bye") on social media.  I took her to the ER and she was admitted to a mental health hospital for a few days.  Problems with school continued to escalate.  I had to pick her up at the police station after she left school during a class.  Lots of times not going to school at all.  The school insisted that I walk her to the entryway each morning.  She has been insisting on getting an online degree.  The school systems says this is not possible.  Everyone, including me, have pointed out that she does not have the discipline to actually complete the work on her own.  She then decided to go to a school/mental health program as an alternative--in the hopes of that leading to online school.  They told her that was not possible.

Last night, I was working on an important volunteer project.  My computer froze and I lost everything.  It took me a long time to get the computer up again.  Just after I started over, my wife came down and said I should disconnect the iternent because our teen had lied about not having her computer and was using it past bedtime.  She followed downstairs and started yelling and cursing--including, oddly, some homophobic and misogynistic terms.  I tried to back up my wife and deescalate the situation at the same time.  My wife felt threatened and told her to "find somewhere else to sleep tomorrow night."  I tried to explain that this was a bad idea, given the history of running away and police involvement.  I said she would regret this.  Then things escalated.  She says our teen spit on her glasses.  Our teen sarcasticallly said that at least my wife had given her one day to leave.  Then she told her to get out NOW.  I was trying to wrap up the project I was working on (it was due that night) and my wife kept yelling at me.  Frequently this would include "How much am I supposed to take," which I understood to refer to my attempt to convince her that kicking her out of the house was not a good idea. 

My wife went to pick up something at the store.  I texted out parenting coach (and included my wife) about what had happened.  She convinced my wife to call the police.  (I felt it was necessary to get my wife open to her coming back home before I called the police because it would not work if she just kicked her out again.)  Eventually, she posted something on discord about being at a friends house in another town.  The police picked her up around 12pm and one of us had to go pick her up.  Given how many times I have had to miss work because to deal with things, my wife went and picked her up.

My wife claims she was not yelling at me.  The closest thing she would admit was that she yelled in my direction.

This behavior--attacking me when she is mad at the kids--reminds me of the period a few years ago when I feared she had Borderline Personality Disorder and I was seriously thinking about divorce if things did not improve.

Last night, my wife suggested ordering out and asked me if I could pick it up.  OK.

I looked at the menu and told her what I wanted.  The kids were still deciding, so I said I would go to the store for some things we needed and then I could pick it up.

I called to check in to make sure she placed the order when I finished shopping.  Yes, she placed the order FOR THREE OF US.  Our teen wanted to go with me and ask questions about the food before deciding.  I pointed out that this would mean waiting another twenty minutes while our food grew cold.  Once we got to the restaurant, our teen basically ordered right off the menu without asking any questions!  Then did not eat it anyway.

I pointed out that 1) she should have checked with me before placing a partial order, 2) she should have thought it through herself and realized our food would get cold, and 3) she is the parent and can tell our kids they have to order with everyone else or find something to eat at home.