Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Introducing myself & Sounding board for upcoming divorce by: ACD-but-not-B 5 years 2 weeks ago

    Hi everyone,

    I'd joined this very valuable forum several years ago while also reading Dr Orlov's books... perhaps this isn't the best way to introduce myself, but I signed back up again to have a community and sounding board in the midst of my ongoing divorce. I'd hope it's not considered grossly inappropriate to come back, hat in hand, having "flunked out" of the world of marriage. Even so I hope I can share experiences and thoughts with as much insight as those who are still married. And even with my life the way it is now, my ADHD won't fix itself in a vacuum, so I hope to still absorb knowledge here that will help me better myself and master my brain, future relationship or not.

    As a brief intro and explanation of my username... as a 30-something male with non-hyperactive ADD, the last 2 years of my life have had the unfortunate themes of Alcoholism, Cancer, and Divorce. But I just can't think of a personal tragedy to add that starts with the letter "B"... how about Bad Breath?

    Anyway, I'm just over 2 years removed from the day I had my last drink - before that was a 5-6 year period of ever-increasing misery for myself and my (non-ADD) ex. After a tense phase where I got professional help to kick my addiction, the discussion was had about taking time apart from each other to repair and assess ourselves. After 10 months in a temporary living space, we had some long, honest, and quite amicable talks. The decision was made that we'd be better off no longer married, but probably remaining friends. Unfortunately, while moving into my official bachelor apartment this spring, I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. The battle to overcome that has taken up an amazing amount of time and energy since then, though the divorce is still on-track to be finalized next month.

    Throughout all of this many people have commented on my resiliency and my steadfastness. My sobriety I feel is very solid, and a source of great pride, knowing that the idea was once unthinkable and terrifying. But frankly it's still tough inside my head. Lack of gratitude and perspective was something that sunk my marriage, and lately I feel like I've backtracked into a sad little negative tape loop. This despite having improving health, a couple good and fulfilling hobbies, a supportive family, and a handful of kind friends (though none of them super-close to me).

    I could say more about that, but for now let me say hi, and hope to share more and help more on this board in the future.

  • I'm moving out by: daizzebelle 5 years 2 weeks ago

    I found a tiny but affordable place to rent and I signed a lease. I'm moving out in 2 weeks. I bought a dependable car. It made me sad. I returned it yesterday. I'm buying a convertible today. I may have lost my mind. But I am happy and I feel free. ❤ Last night I realized that I have so much more energy lately because I am no longer managing his life for him. I send him one text a day re: our child's schedule. I no longer remind him about anything else. I no longer spend hours researching and  reading about strategies to help him with his executive function issues. I am not healed yet. I am sad and angry and at times I feel overwhelmed by my sadness and anger. I let the feelings come so they can go. I have a lot of healing to do. But I am free. ❤

  • What to Do? by: patlaap 5 years 2 weeks ago

    I’ve posted here before, but only a couple of times. My wife has ADD. We’ve been married for 20 years and we battled her ADD ever since. As we get older, she’s 68 and I’m 70, her ADD is getting much worse, as well as her denial, forgetfulness, inattention, lack of compassion, messy ness, etc.  I owned my consulting business before we married and she gladly came into the business and took over the accounting. Very, very often she simply cannot get herself going. Every year we have to apply for an extension on submitting our taxes because she simply won’t get the information and documents sent to our CPA. To make matters worse, she always promises to go to a counselor, but never carries through with her promises. All this, and much more, has depleted my love for her. Don’t get me wrong, I have compassion for her, but don’t know how to live with her any longer. I don’t know what to do or how to make her get help. I vowed to stay with her for “better or worse”, and I will, but we are like to separate people living in the same house. HELP!

  • Wives and Mothers with ADHD by: clpeploe 5 years 2 weeks ago

    Hi all,

    I am always looking for advice on why feel the way I do is it me or the ADHD? Ive done some reading and found that Women and men generally have different symptoms to each other especially when it comes to parenting and my marriage. I have ADHD and be anything from superwoman or Bambi to the hulk or crying heap of mess. Hormones are involved life stress contributes and a whole other mix of things. What I am reaching out for here is what other mothers and wives who suffer from ADHD experience and what are their partners experiences. I want to know more about relationships when the female has ADHD and not the male.

    I want to equip myself with more knowledge to get a hold on what I have struggled with all my life and potentially help others in the process.

    Christine

  • Should I stay or should I go? by: lolaguzman 5 years 2 weeks ago

    I had a miscarriage on mother's day this year. I'm 34 and I never thought I wanted to be a mother so badly after it. I am with an adhd man, known him for 10 years and we've been together for almost 8. Now, after the miscarriage I've been wanting to see that same desired to want a child in him, but whenever I asked he would only answer "whenever you want we can start to get it on". But I was never like "I want one to with you", he is waiting for my comand and it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing this. Last night we had a talk again about haveing kids. He finally said that he doesn't want to bring a child into this world to suffer. That if we do have one than okay and if we don't okay also... 

    I'm emotionally exhausted with him. I can admit that he has gotten a bit better but I can't wait 10 years for him to be "functional" in the relationship. I don't have friends and no one to talk to about this. I just feel so lonely and gave up hope in life. I've told him this many times but he just says oh sorry or something like that and it stays the same.

    He's a nice guy but I regret so many things in this relationship.

  • Conflict Over Christmas by: CoffeeMama85 5 years 4 weeks ago

    My husband and I recently got into an argument over where to spend Christmas this year. Previously, we had agreed to go to my in-laws’ house for Thanksgiving and then stay up here, near my parents, for Christmas. I thought this was more than fair since last year we went to my in-laws for both holidays due to the fact that a family member had passed down there recently and his side of the family needed more comfort and emotional support. In 2017, we visited my parents for Christmas and he acted terribly. He was away from his mom’s good cooking and did not get the special breakfast casserole his grandma bakes on Christmas Day. After all the gifts were opened, I found him in the bedroom quietly sulking and he told me everything he got was crap. Last year, we agreed not to spend a lot on each other, but at the last moment (a day or so before Christmas) he went shopping with a friend and bought a bunch of extra gifts for me on a credit card. It was thoughtful, but also impulsive. We had a much better Christmas at his parents house because they always spoil him and walk on eggshells to get him exactly what he wants (I know, a grown man!) I know he was not used to spending Christmas away from his family in 2017 and that I could have tried harder to make things nicer for him, but I did get him a few nice gifts and I was very hurt by his behavior. It was the worst Christmas experience for me because of how he acted. My question is, what should I do about this year? Now he wants to celebrate with my family either before or after the actual holiday and be with his side on Christmas Day. His reasoning is that the food is better down there, his mom goes “all out” with decorations, and the kids will have more fun (they have cousins their own age who they would see). I think he’s being selfish and really don’t understand why he can’t think of me and realize I might want to spend a holiday with my parents and brothers as well as our family. My mom had to put my grandpa into a memory care facility this year and I know seeing her grandkids on Christmas would bring her a lot of joy. But I honestly  don’t want to relive that terrible Christmas when he threw an adult temper tantrum. What would you do? Do I just give in to keep the peace? Or tell him he needs to be more mature about this? 

  • deletd by: mtn_bear@beach 5 years 1 month ago

    delated

  • Emotionally abusive and oddly naive by: Lee_Whitt 5 years 1 month ago

    I've known this man for most of my life -- since high school, and we are in our late 50's now. We began an intimate relationship in 2001 that ended in 2006 with me wandering away confused and hurt after 4 years of truly bizarre behavior on his part (much of which I documented in writing then, and could have been written today). We reunited in 2018, and things seemed much better for a few months until the same behavior resurfaced.

    The name-calling. The Jekyll-and-Hyde mood swings. Erratic and unpredictable decision-making. Abandonment during my most vulnerable time. Unwillingness to plan for, or follow through with, future events. An over-developed sensitivity to perceived criticism. Heightened sensitivity to social embarrassment. Processing information about 10 seconds slower than most. Gaslighting. Blaming. Sexual jealousy (I'm 56 for pete's sake!). Irrational stubbornness. 

    Hyper-focused on that which interests him (almost obsessively). Lack of empathy. Inability to sleep through the night—every night. Interrupting and talking over me (and others) constantly. Needing to be in constant motion. None of this made any sense to me. It's as if ... he lives in a completely different world of reason and comprehension. And then, his juvenile responses to and juvenile interpretations of, well, just about everything. As if he got stuck in adolescence or young adulthood in his social and intellectual development.

    Could that be? His family (5 children) are all academic over-achievers. Could it be that he intuited from a young age that he was different, and at late adolescence ... just gave up and hunkered down into self-defense? He barely graduated high school (HIM: I never read one book in high school. ME: What? Why? HIM: I couldn't stay interested. But if it's an instruction manual on how to replace a carburetor on a 1968 Triumph, I'll read the entire thing twice.)

    I've been wandering through an emotional minefield thinking "What am I missing? What's really going on here? All of this has got to tie together some way, I just can't quite connect the dots."  Because, on the flip side, he is a good man. Generous to a fault. Always willing to help. Master carpenter /craftsman. Kind to animals and children. Brilliant sense of humor. Respectful towards women (except for us with whom he has become romantically involved, apparently).

    And then I found this site. And then I began to read, and I've been reading your words and experiences and BAM. DOTS CONNECTING. 

    So. Here I am, reaching out to this community. He and I love each other passionately but I can't live with this. We're not on speaking terms at the moment and although he's begged for that to be different, I'm just too hurt by his latest actions. He truly does not understand how damaging his behavior is. 

    I highly doubt he was ever diagnosed in elementary school with anything other than "inattentive" and "academic underachievement", certainly not ADHD because it didn't exist as a diagnosis in the 60's or 70's that I'm aware of.

    What do I do? This man is my Kryptonite. I'm thinking this is a lost cause and it's killing me.

    Thank you in advance for any response,

    ~ Lee

     

  • Advice on reaching out to ADHD spouse's family by: Martin7 5 years 1 month ago

    My 20 year marriage has died largely as a result of undiagnosed ADHD/Autism spectrum (high-functioning) on the part of my spouse, along with the coping and camouflaging, and the PTSD she surely experienced as a child growing up in an undiagnosed ADHD/Narcissist/Histrionic/Anxiety/OCD household (her parents and siblings).  We have two adolescent children.  Her denial strategies are deep, deeper than our marriage. She is otherwise smart and sweet and mostly a loving parent, within the limitations that her condition brings, such as gaslighting the kids, being quick to rage, and some of the same impact her hyperfocus and task inertia and inability to connect emotionally had on me.

    But I am stuck in this, I have long ago given up on trying to help her discover her condition and acknowledge it, so my role is to be a "parent" to her (typical spouse of ADHD strategy), and my goal is to continue to co-parent under "in-home separation" as long as I can.  I do not trust her to be a sole parent in any joint custody arrangement, and I believe divorce would be worse for our children than staying together, for the time being at least.  Also, I am not without my own emotional challenges, so the one thing we do well for each other is tag-team when one parent is unable to deal with the kids in a healthy way.

    I have gone 20 years without sex or intimacy or emotional partnership.  I stayed loyal and did my best the whole time and never cheated.  But I don't want to die lonely and sexless.  I want to feel a loving touch without rules, a whispered word without restraint, a sense of connection and continuity that lasts more than a day, and a collaborative sexual partnership again before I am done on this earth.

    One big challenge is that her highly-practiced camouflage strategies are very effective at deceiving other people, she seems to many people to be very calm and thoughtful, successful at work, etc.  This is all true. but obscures the fact that she comes home and falls apart, and lives in a world of severe symptoms of the above that in the end led to her being utterly passive and passive aggressive as her marriage fell apart. She sure as hell fooled me (actually things got worse as she got older, and definitely worse after we had kids).   I am, by comparison, very human in wearing my emotions on my sleeve, and my coping strategy is to acknowledge issues and get them on the table vigorously, I have a low threshold for denial and unacknowledged dysfunction. (so we are a tragically inappropriate mix).

    So, at root, her family is deeply in denial about mental health issues, and has built itself around enabling them and never acknowledging them.  My quiet, compliant, and watchful spouse slipped under the radar in the chaotic and unhealthy environment she grew up in.  Those patterns were too ingrained to overcome in adulthood.  But acknowledging her mental health is essential to continuing whatever our relationship turns out to be, and will certainly become an issue in a divorce (I use this term "mental health" as short-hand for the mix of mental illness, cognitive challenges, and PTSD/coping).

    I have so far suffered this alone.  But am starting to wonder if reaching out to a family member of hers might help in the long run, regardless of which way we go.  I am worried that at some point, she will go on the offensive and flip to rage mode, and also that she will use her camouflage skills in ways to play the role of "wronged saint" that will lead to a lot of unnecessary ugliness.  Having a family member of hers informed and involved might help smooth some of the worst parts, and might actually help her to acknowledge and to seek help.

    There is a sister, and aunt, and a friend I think I could reach out to.  I would lay it on the line: I need your help keeping this together and navigating the next steps.  It's a bit of a minefield of course, but I will eventually be putting her cognitive issues on the table and in the open, so it's only a question of when and how that happens.  I am pretty sure each of these people has at least an inkling of what's going on, and presented with the evidence would come to see that my insight is probably reasonable.  But of course I could be wrong.  Denial is powerful.

    I have utterly failed to find a way to get her to acknowledge herself, even as her marriage failed; the worse the marriage got, the more she was passive and checked out.  In fact, I became "the threat" and she actively alienated me. Perhaps a family member might succeed where I failed. Her emotional world, her coping strategy is built around telling herself she's "normal" and "fine" (her words), which she repeats like a mantra.  Despite volumes of evidence that something was not working, she resolutely refuses to take the lid off and actively seek out explanations and remedies.

    It's time for me to recruit some help.

  • ADHD- In House Separation - Serious Health DX Now what! by: eyekahlo 5 years 1 month ago

    It has been 3 years since finding this site. It has helped me so much...I need to "talk" recent events out here now.Been married for 45 years. (Me 65 H  67)Took marriage course alone. Tried to get ADHD  H  to participate with saved sessions. H sluffed thru 2 of them but claims he did all. I have worked on me really hard.  got Bipolar 2 dx, lost 80 lbs, exercise, hobbies, quit the nagging, got it together. Things were great for a while despite H refusal to accept ADHD & even basic treatments. Says he is stubborn, doesn't want to and its too hard.. Recently we both regressed. I am introvert and have not gone to several functions due to my intense panic attacks . He is extra extrovert. He is PO at me about this. But won't discuss my side of it and be  empathetic nor work with me to brainstorm ideas to combat this.. I nagged him about typical stuff house, trash mess... So H stepped up workaholic during day and stayed in office at nite-not coming home. I suspect at least another emotional affair. H has no empathy and avoids all discussions about our problems. I fail to try as well. I moved upstairs (we have a very large house) and now over 1 month of in house separation. I love my house, garden etc. I pressed him and we agreed- him down me upstairs. Since moving upstairs my stress, anxiety, sleep habits have all improved. Brighter environment now without H mess to look at. I think I am covering up my feelings with playing house. But I am taking care of me. I need him financially. His business thriving knock on wood! H says NOW he has many freedoms he did not have. When asked he cannot give any examples. says" I can't think of any right now but I know there are many''.  (I think to myself-you have been doing what you want) I believe he is also passive aggressive. I stay calm and ask & answer in ways that force him to take responsibility for his statements. H avoids that- says I am twisting his words.Then goes away for 5 days on "business" . Upon return calls me to say he came back with "stomach pull" (tells my son from dancing.) I figure mother natures works in interesting ways.He goes to hospital. Also has shortness of breath, he claims from pain.He comes back home I have to ask 3 times via text message how he made out at hospital. Finally he tells me via phone. He is sitting downstairs. I go down and ask questions -same ones several times to get what's going on.They did test..has small clot on lung. I remain calm. Also he has rash from topical muscle stuff-ER doc says shingles. H disagrees says burn from topical stuff. Finally, my point and question  of why i am on this website today.  What do I do?He DOES NOT tell our 3 adult sons(all mid 30's) about clot dx. I do tell them separately elsewhere.. Sons say that they will wait to see if he tells them. We all realize this is serious. We are all meeting later tonite to discuss further. Thinking of medical intervention style meeting. H is supposed to make appt with regular dr on Monday. I just heard H on phone with his older brother, he harps on about argument he had with ER Doc about shingles vs skin burn. IS chatty about our in house separation. Brother is way too casual in tone so I know he does not know.  DO I grow a backbone and confront H about his silence.DO I threaten to tell sons and bro and then do it?  DO I tell him sons know. DO I call up older brother and set him straight...nicely. I have 1 close friend and 1 sis in law, I have talked to. Both say it is H responsibility to tell them, his bro and make appt and go for follow up. This is very very serious. H has blood thinners and is taking them. My psychiatrist has moved out of state. I have been searching interviewing new ones and have appt this week with new one.  Yes I know asking for advice from strangers on this website.. I don't know what else to do. Please comment.

     

Pages