I've been divorced for more than three years.  I think I'm reasonably well adjusted to the divorce.  But every once in awhile, something will happen or I'll read something and I'll feel a sense of heartbreak. Just now, while reading, I came across this line:  "He seems to constantly appreciate something simple about our lives...: we get to spend time together."

My ex said he wanted to stay married, but his behavior suggested otherwise; he avoided spending time with me.  He scheduled his days and arranged his life around not being with me.  And when apart, which we were at his choosing, he didn't communicate with me by phone or computer.  This still breaks my heart.

 I just can't keep hoping that he is going to get his shit together. He was fired from his job in April and his severance pay runs out Aug 15th. He has applied for one job. He has been not working for 10 weeks and he has applied for *one* job.  I worked 7:30 to 6:30 on Monday and when I got home he said what should we do for dinner? I thought to myself well you've been home for the last 11 hours and I've been at work. I said tacos. He said no tacos are too much work. I said ok, pancakes from a mix. He said will you do the dishes and I'll make dinner. I said ok and I started unloading the dw and he started complaining about being the only one who takes out the recycling. I said I suggested a long time ago that we do the recycling together every Sat morning but you said you didn't want to do that. I said it's irritating when I get home from an 11 hour work day and you ask me what should we have for dinner?  and there's dirty dishes all over the kitchen. He said well I'm trying to find a job. I said ok how many job applications have you actually submitted? And then he said he wasn't going to talk to me about it and he left. He came back later. Tuesday he told me that he isn't going to answer any questions about his job search bc the only reason I'm asking about it is so I can make him feel bad about his lack of progress. I said the reason I am asking is because I cannot pay the rent on my income alone and we will be evicted. 

He said I can't ask him what his plans are because it stresses him out. I said if being asked questions is too stressful for him then he should move out. He said he shouldn't have to be the one to move out and if I'm unhappy I should move out.  I said it is unfair and selfish for him to refuse to do anything to make our situation better and also refuse to leave. He said I am a jerk for saying he is selfish.

I am unhappy, worn out, exasperated, and angry. One minute I am sobbing and the next minute I want to get out the scissors and cut his clothes to shreds. 

I set up Alexa to play She's Leaving Me Because She Really Wants To every time I walk in the door. It started playing before I opened the door tonight. He complained. I said oh, you like my new theme song?  Feel free to turn up the volume so you can hear it better.

To my ADHD spouse:

As I sit here, I wonder why I allowed myself to go so far in our relationship; one that has been entirely unfulfilling for over a decade. 

You've shared this link with me and I should be grateful yet, I feel I am the only one who will make the effort to gain anything from it.  I have read so many posts on here and felt each one resonates with me. I see "us" in almost every post.  Some more than others, of course. It was almost as exhausting to read these posts as it is to communicate with you these days. There hasn't been a good conversation around our home for quite some time.  I feel like I am going crazy.

It has become a daunting task to get thru a day lately. I'm sure it's been the same for you, although we don't talk about it.  I have spent countless seasons trying to navigate the rocky shores our relationship has become.  You know I don't like sharing our personal business with others.  Once you put something out there, you can't take it back and I have never wanted friends or family to view you in a negative light.  So I stayed silent for your sake and for the sake of our marriage.  I tried to talking to you. I tried asking what you needed.  I tried making suggestions or recommendations.  I tried asking you to talk to someone.  Multiple times.  I helped you navigate when it wasn't a good fit. Multiple times as well.  You weren't on the right meds.  And now you feel you are.  You do.  I don't.  But that's not something we can discuss because it turns ugly.  Everything we discuss turns ugly.  You are more aggressive now, more explosive, more over-reactive. You tort back that you are more clear and are finally fighting back.  There's nothing to fight back on.  It was a conversation that unfortunately turned into something more.  Everything begins as a conversation and spirals at the speed of light.

I can't imagine what goes on in your head and I truly feel for you.  I'm sorry I have said you are acting childish but what else do you call it when a grown adult throws a temper tantrum because they don't like what someone says.  I'm sorry that I have said I'm tired of managing you but what else do you call it when you own entirely everything associated with running a household plus managing a job or school or any combination of those things.   Managing has become my full time gig - managing you and the house.  Trying new and improved ways to do things.  To address things.  I've made a list of all household responsibilities and asked you to pick from that.  Pick only what you feel you can do thoroughly and consistently and I will own the rest. I will own the rest.  Nothing.  The things you have been able to stay consistent with are the things you did for yourself long before we married.  We talk about this.  At great lengths.  And then we fight about it.  And it turns ugly.  And we go days on end stressed, frustrated, angry, sad and exhausted.  Exhausted.    

I have read up on ADHD to try to better understand where you are coming from.  I have tried talking to you differently as to not lose your focus.  I have recommended doing things before work as opposed to after as you seem lost at the end of the day.  I have asked countless times for you to shut the television off as it has become the biggest time suck in our home.  Well, actually, fighting trumps that nowadays.  I have tried lists, shared calendars, bought you a notebook, a planner, a planner with a place for notes...  You tell me what's been recommended in therapy.  But nothing is done.  No action is taken.  No advice is heeded.  We have discussed couples counseling and my greatest concern is that I would end up managing that too.  As it stands, you aren't taking action from your own appointments.  I thought it unfair for me to have to go to my own sessions and ours while you just show up to yours and seemingly do nothing in between visits.

I am sorry that we have bottomed out time and time again in our lives.  I am sorry that we have said the meanest of mean things to each other.  Sadly, they don't even seem to hurt anymore.  I'm numb and I imagine you are as well.  There is no emotion.  No response to sadness.  Just flat affect time and time again.  

I have had to walk away from both a career and years of education towards a career change because I chose to focus my efforts on us.  Every decision made in our life was made together and then from that moment on, you pull a Houdini.  "Yes, take that promotion - I'll step up and do more" or  "Yes, that's a great career change and will be stressful but I'll step up and do more" and then POOF!   The great disappearing act.  Which has left me, time and time again, holding the bag on additional stress outside the home with no additional support at home, which ultimately leads to additional stress at home...and there we have it, folks.  Everything is a cycle.   And where has that led to?  My demise.  Shame on me for having continued faith in your repeated promises to make effort.  You actually need to make effort in order to see change. I don't think you are selfish.  I think you are unaware.  And I know you want to try, but I'm not seeing effort.  And that's what pains me the most.  No matter what I say, nothing changes.  

I share with you how I am feeling and the response to anything and everything I say is, "I'm sorry that you (parrot back what I said)" and the conversation on your behalf has ended.  So there is no conversation.  And when there is conversation, it turns ugly and we spiral.  We are stuck in a vicious cycle that I truly don't think we can break. 

The words that come to mind these days when I think about our relationship:  Sadness.  Frustration. Hurt. Neglect. Abandonment.  Empty.  Exhausted.  Anger.  A whole lot of anger.  Do you think I want to be this angry?  The funny part is that is the only one you seem to touch on.  "You are always so angry!"  Yes, I am.  And I am also sad, frustrated and hurt.  I also feel neglected and abandoned and exhausted.  And I have shared ALL of those things with you because I don't expect you to see them or feel them.  Even when I tell you, you just can't seem to comprehend it.   I am exhausted because I have been putting every ounce of energy I have had into this relationship and the outcome hasn't changed a bit.  

The majority of advice on here leans towards the non-spouse having to take the reins in order to make things work.  And I have tried that for quite some time.  I could say I didn't sign up for this when we got married but to marry is to acknowledge there will be many uncertainties you will have to navigate thru.  Marriage is a partnership.  It's together-ness.  However, I can say with certainty I didn't marry to end up navigating thru life alone.  Or to be the Captain. Not to be the Captain every moment of every day.   And that is how I feel.  In charge.   And alone.

I feel that we left the shore together and I am drowning.  And you are just sitting, safe and dry on the boat, having a drink, enjoying the view, holding the life preserver, telling me that you really want to throw it to me.  You wish you could. You really do.  And I truly believe you do.  I truly do.  However, intentional or unintentional, I am still drowning.  

I managed to keep my head above water in order to share my thoughts.  Based on this site, at least I know I am not crazy.  Alone perhaps...  but not crazy.

Dear all,

I finally plucked up my courage to share my experience in this forum. Apologies in advance for the long essay.

When I first read an article by Melissa Orlov on ADHD marriage, I cried so badly because many of the points mentioned resonate with what I experienced in the past 3 years. It’s like I finally understood what I was going through.

My husband & I dated for 6 years & we are married for 3 years. We have a 3 year-old child.

He was loving towards me when we were dating & even planned a surprise overseas trip to propose to me. I loved him for his high & seemingly endless energy, he is super focused with his job & always looking to do / learn new things. He would work on his laptop late into the night even after we went out & had a long day, he would wake up early on weekends to work when most people may sleep in. I admired that, I thought he was super committed to his career. He studied courses online or after work, obtained a postgraduate diploma & exceled at his assignments. He enjoys traveling & will plan detailed , sometimes impulsive, overseas trips. It felt exciting & all I had to do was pack my luggage & follow.

But in other areas of life, he has always been messy, disorganized & forgetful. Every day, he will forget where he placed his hand phone, wallet, glasses & asking for help to locate them. He will forget important appointments, miss to pay his bills & end up with late charges. He also cannot sit still & is constantly fidgeting, he says it helps him focus. Sometimes he will be so hyperactive he talks excessively without much content. I did not read too much into these, I thought that most guys are like this.

Everything felt like a fun adventure until it all came crashing down after we got married & I became pregnant. During my entire pregnancy & after the baby came, I suddenly felt so abandoned & alone. He seemed to have completely lost interest in me, & he became obsessive with playing computer games late into the night, being in his own world changing from one hobby to the next. I was left confused, angry, bitter, wondering what I have done wrong & why he does not seem to love me anymore. I thought he was having an extramarital affair.

Moving into our own house added further strain to the relationship as he will always mess up, does not help out with chores unless I nag at him excessively & when he did finally help out he did so unwillingly. I find myself constantly reminding, nagging him around & I felt more like his mother than his wife. We no longer have common topics to talk about, he does not reply to my messages or the cute baby photos I sent him throughout his work day, claiming he does not even have 5 seconds to reply me. It also felt like he can’t be bother with & doesn’t want to care for our child until she was almost 2 years old. He just switched-off on us.

He also became incredibly rude & cruel to me, ignoring my needs when I struggled with breastfeeding, mastitis & lack of sleep. Once I had to visit a breast surgeon to remove an abscess due to the infection, the procedure was painful despite having local anesthesia & I could hardly walk after we left the clinic. He did not care & walked ahead, leaving me struggling to catch up with him. When I got upset with his behavior, he chided me that it should not be painful because of the anesthesia.

Being treated like this daily turned my hurt turned into frustration & anger. I fought aggressively to gain his attention & support, but it was a losing battle that ended with him thinking I went crazy & retreated further away into his own world. Simply calling his name when he is working will make him all agitated (on hindsight, maybe this simple act of calling him distracted him from his work). When confronted, he does not seem to know what went wrong & always think that the marriage is going well. I felt he was just sweeping all the issues under the carpet & refused to address them. He does not even hold my hand, comfort or hug me & needless to say the intimacy was non-existent. We don’t say “I love u / miss you” anymore. We became housemates sharing a child & house.

We tried to go for marriage counseling but his ego prevented us from returning, I went for counseling on my own. I struggled to stay afloat coping with the baby, household chores, keeping my career without the love & support of a husband. I could never have imagined myself being so broken & in a loveless marriage. His mindless remarks & behavior will often trigger explosive inferno from me.  It just felt like a never ending rollercoaster & vicious cycle. I became suicidal & considered a divorce to save my sanity.

He saw a psychiatrist last year but he came back to tell me the doctor said he is fine & has no ADHD.

I don’t think he was entirely honest during the diagnosis & went just for the sake of proving me wrong.  

Earlier this month, he did an online adult ADHD quiz & finally admitted the outcome was borderline adult ADHD.

Things are slowly improving as I learn more about ADHD & also pointing out what I think are the symptoms to him. I think this helps with his awareness & he is slowly becoming more helpful. There are still some bad days. I know he wants a second child but I’m so afraid of being abandoned & going back to that dark period in life again. I feel we should work on improving the marriage first before considering another child.

I wish to seek the advice of everyone here do you think I am in an ADHD marriage?

Should we seek a second opinion on his ADHD diagnosis & will medication help?

Thank you for reading & any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Cheers,

Jelly