Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • It's the thought that counts, but... by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 2 months ago

    It sometimes feels, however, that there is no thought behind the gift.

    My wife gave me a custom made string tie for my birthday.  I have no idea why she would think I would want a string tie.  We live in the northeast.  Neither of us is into country music.  Where am I going to wear a string tie?  This was a milestone birthday, BTW.

    A few years ago, she surprised me on my birthday by taking me to the Renaissance Fair.  She had previously talked about the Renaissance Fair over the years and I had repeatedly made it clear that it did not sound like something that would interest me.  It was a case of giving Marge the bowling ball.  (Our son has tried this on her--attempting to get me to buy a video game system for him to give to his mother!)

    I always try to buy something that shows that I listen and know who she is.  For her last birthday, for example, I got tickets to one of her favorite singers at an intimate venue. Many of her gifts have felt like she is actively not listening to me.

    BTW, I still haven't gotten the gifts she promised for Father's Day and our last anniversary.

  • Is there a way to break through? by: DawnG 5 years 2 months ago

    My ADHD fiance was fired from a good job shortly after we started dating.  I didn't expect it to be long before he had another, but he refuses to apply for positions, even when I find them for him.  He says he cannot cope with jobs that provide no meaning for him.  I get that.  I really do.  I used to work for myself doing something I loved and I had to quit and get an office job because I needed more money coming in.  I like the folks I work with, but the job has nothing fulfilling about it other than a decent company with decent people and a paycheck. It's not my first choice, but it is necessary.

    He has always found jobs by word of mouth.  He refuses to accept that sometimes you have to go looking to get a job.  He won't look at Indeed or Monster, but I do.  Unfortunately this means I am supporting him.  If he lived the way I do I would manage to do that okay, but he doesn't. He wants his Red Bulls - at least 3 a day.  He wants to eat what he likes... no rice and beans because I am broke.  He wants to go out to eat.  And he never orders the inexpensive meal.  He wants what he wants, and when he doesn't get it he gets angry, although he always says it's not at me.  he still yells and throws things.  I have exhausted all my credit cards (and am being turned down for new ones) trying to keep us afloat and I can't do it anymore.  I have nothing left to give. Literally nothing left.  Bank account is empty.  Credit is maxed.  I already have 2 jobs.  I'm looking for a 3rd job.  I'm exhausted.

    This morning I found out he has been turned down for a job that he was very qualified for and wanted very badly.  I haven't told him.  I don't know how to tell him.  He's going to get mad.  I suspect the contacted his previous employer who says he wasn't fired but quit voluntarily by not getting help for his ADHD.  He's back on his adderall (sp?) now.  Not that I can tell a difference other than his memory is better.   But because of his former employer he can't get a job in his field.  And he won't take a job that he doesn't want, which is any job that isn't in his field.  Or any job in his field that requires travel.  And I'm trying so hard not to push, because I'm not his mom.  But he's spending my money, not his.  And I'm totally exhausted from trying to keep us afloat.  And we're sinking.  Fast.  And he won't take a job that is "beneath" him.  And I don't know what to do.

    Please I beg you don't even respond if you don't have anything constructive to say.  My one post I made before in this group I was totally ripped apart by the ADHD side, and told to leave him by the non-ADHD side.  I'm not doing that, by the way.  But if you have figured out how to communicate with your spouse successfully about this sort of thing I am looking to find out how you did it.  I will not accept that this is hopeless.  He's a wonderful human being.  And we have lots of fun, and we adore each other.  There's got to be hope.

  • Don't be afraid to be true to yourself by: jennalemone 5 years 2 months ago

    The biggest "takeaway" I have gleaned from this site is that you can't change someone else.  You can only change yourself.  By myself, I have learned to not be so emotional...and that love is not the emotion (which, for me was probably more about need and insecurity and culture) but it is about being cared for and caring.  I cried a lot in my early marriage years making myself a victim rather than the person of strength I could have been.  I don't know how to fight....didn't want to fight.  But I realize now that I am in charge of my self.  Maybe it is because our culture today is more supportive of women who can handle themselves more than when I was young - we were expected to be feminine and demure.  

    To you young couples I give the message — Bring your entire self into the world and into the relationship. If you are afraid to be yourself, you need to find another place to be. Don't be afraid to use your voice and your choices to stand strong...even if you end up standing alone. 

    I am trying to do this.  I lost myself in what I thought was "love" and the rules of the marriage vows (I was told my the minister to "honor and obey", H was not told to "honor and obey") but now I realize I was full of romantic notions of being taken care of and following rules.  I wasn't taken care of by H even though I gave my self to him and our marriage.  I am realizing that I must be a whole person before I can be in a good relationship. 

    I think c says very similar things.  c calls this having boundaries.  I call this having your own voice and giving yourself the permission to speak up and hold strong to your own convictions and good habits.

    "Don't complain and live a silently angry life while at the same time continuing to do the very things that make you angry. Don't blame someone else for your failure to stand up for yourself."

  • She Won’t Get Help by: patlaap 5 years 2 months ago

    My wife has ADD AND depression and has had for several years now. She had been successful keeping it under control and seeing a counselor but has not been back to counseling for about 2 years. As we age (she’s 66) her depression has gotten much worse. For the past 2 weeks all she has done is lay round the house not feeling like doing anything. She refuses to go back to her doctor or to councellling and I don’t know what to do. She absolutely will not talk to me about getting help. I love everything her and took a vow to stand by her and that’s what I am and will do. I travel a lot for my business and worry about her when I’m gone. I try to take her with me but she doesn’t want to go. I don’t know know how to help her or what to do. Please help!

  • Newly diagnosed w/ADHD & husband also has ADD by: moninja712 5 years 2 months ago

    I'm newly diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. Seven years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 (what was called Major Depressive Disorder). The symptoms for these 2 conditions are very similar and overlap. Since having been diagnosed, I have started to wonder if I was MISdiagnosed . My husband also thinks I may have been misdiagnosed because the more I tell him about ADHD symptoms the more everything makes sense! His symptoms are different than mine. He's more neurotypical. 

    I just started treatment with Wellbutrin, even though it is not approved by the FDA to treat ADHD. We've noticed I'm a bit sharper, I can remember things and my mind isn't so foggy. The only problem I'm having now is sleep. I will give time for the Wellbutrin to work (can take up to 8 weeks) and if I don't feel much of a change by October I may request a stimulant instead. Had anyone been on both? What do you notice is the difference? Thx 

  • I need some help please by: Spud 5 years 2 months ago

    Hi everyone!

    I was diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago. I’m in my late 20’s with 2 kids and a fiancé G. Pre diagnosis was rough on all of us as the drs could say was it was just depression. But after 2 attempts of suicide a mental health worker suggested getting checked out.

    After getting diagnosed with ADHD and I started taking the meds I found I wasn’t as forgetful, the dark thoughts stopped and I realised I wasn’t useless anymore. The fighting stopped between my partner and I for a while and even tho I had pushed her away that many times, she stood by me and got me through the toughest times. 

    What I need help with is working out how to not be so forgetful with things like leaving food out, forgetting to lock the door and forgetting conversations. I am trying my hardest to be the best partner, father and friend but the little things I feel I have no control of are really putting pressure on the family. I’m starting to feel useless again and  that nothing I do is good enough. I’ve tried to tell her all this but it’s not helping. I can’t go back to who I was before. For me to say it’s just my adhd isn’t good enough, I need to work out how to do better. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

     

     

  • Finally a professional who sees it! by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 2 months ago

    My wife took our daughter to a play last night, so I met with the parenting coach by myself.  The parenting coach brought up the issue of whether my wife has ADHD and listened to my concerns.  I explained how the "Adult ADHD Special" I persuaded my wife to see has used a checklist meant for kids, not adults.  I also explained how our couples therapist--who was also supposed to specialize in ADHD--doesn't "believe in diagnoses."

    God, I hope that this parenting coach can finally give my wife feedback that will help her accept that she has ADHD and that it has caused a lot of problems for our kids.

  • How to make my husband accept that he is suffering from ADHD? by: LFZ 5 years 2 months ago

    Hey all,

    We got married less than a year and we have a baby boy, 2 months old now. And we are under divorce process for all the problems and challenges that are described in ADHD marriages. I already knew that he was suffering from hyperactivity when he was young and few days ago, i came into an article about ADHD and was illuminated because it was describing exactly it all. But he refuse to accept or listen...how can i convince him just to be opened to this idea and not look as "nagging" plz.

  • Trying to just get started by: mrhvmd 5 years 2 months ago

    We’ve been together for over 20 years and it’s never been quite right. I should have known something was up when she was an hour late for our first date. She’s rarely been on time since. Her father should have been a clue - he lives alone surrounded by boxes of junk that he can’t part with, so I am told because no one except his ex-wife is allowed to enter his home. His ex-wife is an enabler of the first order ... and perhaps so am I. 

    My wife and I have been in counseling for quite a long time with no progress. She never could complete any of the assigned readings, nor complete any homework between sessions. Most of these sessions just turned out to be traded recriminations.  I’ve known there was something amiss for a long time. ADHD had come up but I knew nothing about it and never investigated. 

    Two so years ago I retired (Im 17 years older) and we moved to a new state to the much smaller house my wife always wanted. I love it here, including the much smaller house, but some problems followed, including my wife’s inability to organize anything, especially her things. They accumulate in boxes all around. 

    I love to cook and do all of it. The deal is that she cleans up. This part just doesn’t happen. The odd thing is that I am forbidden from touching her stuff, nor may I do the dishes. I must wait until she goes to work before I do them. Sometimes she extracts a promise from me that I won’t touch them while she’s gone. She then gets home but won’t start the dishes till I start making dinner - so we bump around the kitchen. If I start accumulated dishes on a Sunday morning she hears me, jumps out of bed, races downstairs, angry, and insists she will do them. She starts in, in a snit, and doesn’t (I’m not making this up) get done til noon!  

    Last year the garden was all mine.  I love doing the garden - I plant it in square foot fashion and it produces abundantly, last year too much so. We were also building a barn last year (that’s another story) and my part took a lot of time so I did not get to harvest everything the garden produced. This year she insisted on being part of the garden, which is fine, but the weeds are completely overgrown on her portion that I am forbidden to touch. 

    We live in this beautiful house in a gorgeous countryside. Our beautiful perennial gardens are overgrown and full of weeds - I am forbidden to touch them, she will get to them.  The upstairs of our barn that is to be finished as an apartment for guests lies undone. I am forbidden to start. On Sunday night at 7pm as she started to can pickles (she intended to all day but lay in bed instead doing something on her iPad) she had a meltdown, which is very common. This one was different in that she confided in me that she had left unpaid bills from our last locale. I manage all finances of course but I knew nothing about these. She gave me some details and we can easily cover these bills. We talked about her newly diagnosed ADHD.  She is to get a heart study, meet with the doctor again in two weeks and finally start Meds, but these wheels turn with excruciating slowness. The conversation quickly turned, as it always does, to my issues.  I admitted, as I always do, to anger, frustration, and occasional yelling. No person with ADHD, I’m sure, has ever been married to a perfect human, and she is certainly not the first. 

    I realize that I cannot help her from close up, so I have left. It’s excruciating not to live in my house but our proximity only makes things worse. Since the diagnosis a couple weeks ago I have read two books, including Melissa’s, and scoured the web. Lots of “AHA” moments when I recognize typical patterns and behavior. She has read nothing, she can’t. My daughter married a wonderful fellow three years ago who was diagnosed when young and has been on meds. We have had some in depth discussions as her husband has described some very successful coping strategies. 

    There is hope but I really don’t know. I apologize for this long post and there’s much of importance that I haven’t told, but this is already too long. 

  • The end by: Fleur H 5 years 2 months ago

    Hi lovely people,

     

    i have got the courage to finally typ down how  and  where I’m at at the moment. 

    It all started 8 years ago. I met this fun guy through a mutual friend after a while we started dating. I got out a relationship and was 30 and  a single mom of 2 at that time. He was 28. Now I’m 39 and I can not find that little piece of me of how I was before. 

    He mentioned that he was diagnosed with adhd at the age of 6 but that it isn’t so bad as he thinks it is. He doesn’t want to take meds because that makes him not who he is. 

    He wanted to have children but during our time together there was something inside me told me not to. 

    The last 3 years have been a struggle. He always in to looking for action, flirting with girls and texting them in the night while I am longing for that connection we have when he is ‘normal’. Makes me become a nagging and angry woman, who I don’t want to be. Now we decided to live seperate so we give ourself some time out but I see this as a sign we will grow even further away. 

    My confidence is so low at the moment because he regurarly says he is handsome and lots of women are attracted to him but he stay still with me. He says he wants a younger person who is vived and not nagging but he loves me so he stays. The fact is that he is scared because he knows I am doing everything around and know how he really is. He is not attracted to me anymore but sadly he loves me so he won’t do anything. 

    I use to be this proud and strong women. I have a career and totally financially independent. It is too hard for me to leave him because I know how he really is but de adhd makes him this terrible person. I am now at te turning point to not fight it anymore and let him do his thing and leave all the worries behind. 

    However it feels so sad even though he mistreaded me and lies a lot but in the end I know how he really is when he come to sense. I can not save him but can save myself. 

    Thank you. 

    Fleur

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