Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Just "No Filter" or Cause for Concern? by: CoffeeMama85 5 years 1 month ago

    Hi there. So, a little background. My husband is 32 and I'm 34 and we have three beautiful little boys together, ages 5 and a half and under. We have been married for almost 7 years (this December). I believe he has ADHD, as he was diagnosed and medicated (Ritalin) as a child and still displays many of the symptoms to this day (he's not on meds now and hasn't been for years). His bio father also has ADHD. He is adopted and has wonderful adoptive parents. 

    Here's what's bothering me: When he gets upset, he has no filter and doesn't control his words. For example, when we're all riding in the van and he gets upset, perhaps if I take away his cell phone and prevent him from texting while driving, he'll make this comment: "I'll crash this van and kill us all." Or when he's depressed about work deals not going right, he'll say, "I should just throw myself under a bus" or "I just want to die". The most recent (and most upsetting) thing he said was the other night when we were about to go to bed and I was telling a story and he wanted me to be quiet. He said, "I'll smother you with a pillow." Really?!!! I didn't say or do anything that would justify such a terrible statement!! Since then, he's apologized, we talked it out, and things are supposedly ok between us, but I still feel very unsettled and upset. I told him he needs to go to counseling with me and I found a therapist that our pastor recommends, but he's very reluctant to go because he doesn't think there are any problems. I told him that he cannot make any of those comments ever again because it's not healthy for our kids to hear those statements (thankfully they were all asleep when he made the "pillow" comment). I still feel horrified. I serve this man all his meals, stay at home to take care of the kids, and things had been going so well with us prior to this. I always dismissed his inappropriate comments as just having "no filter" because of the undiagnosed ADHD, but how do I know if I should be more concerned? He's never hurt me or the kids. The most he's ever done is slam his fist down on the kitchen table. Am I overreacting? Does this sound like typical ADHD or something more severe? 

  • Loves to talk by: Libby 5 years 1 month ago

    Wondering if all ADDers love the sound of their own voice. My DH talks a lot. He never met a person who wasn't his great and wonderful friend. Very social and inappropriately friendly. But when it comes to things that do need to be talked about or communicated he refuses. He seems to be limited to weather talk and gossip. Or chattering about himself. Is this an add thing?

  • morning trance by: un12720 5 years 1 month ago

    previously, I had posted under the topic of 'morning rage' and received many helpful responses.

    Now, another observation..morning trance...really it appears as if my H is just NOT present, not mindful of his surroundings, activities, etc.  it is as if he is sleep-walking.

    Another question..how common is preservation in ADHD folks?  It seems as though H doesn't know when to quit.. whether he is being funny or nasty or erudite.

    any thoughts?

    Un

  • Question by: AdeleS6845 5 years 1 month ago

    My question is do you think people can change.

    I made the mistake of going on to another site and making some comments on a subject. I turned my email notifications off for this site so that if people responded to my post I wouldn't be getting notified anymore.

    I made a mistake this morning of going back onto this site just to read what other people are posting. I noticed that someone had responded to one of my comments. They blasted me it was horribly critical, and now I'm crying and upset. Not the way I want to start my day.

    So my question is this, just in general. Is it possible to marry someone and not really know them? Is it possible to marry someone and have them begin to change so much within the first 6 years or so, so much that you don't know what you got yourself into?

    That is what it was like for me and my marriage. No point in justifying my point of view. It took me a long time to recover what happened to me and now all it took was a few comments to bring me back to that point and have me crying again.

  • Overall, Is It Worth It? by: MXJ27 5 years 1 month ago

    I have started reading Melissa's book and had built up so much hope just because she is totally describing my relationship.  It has made me feel like I am not crazy for wanting to stay in it - we are engaged, and I said yes because I *want* to marry him, I *want* to build a life together, but I still have doubts. Then I came to this forum and reading all these posts has me so despondent.  Is it worth all the work?  I stayed in my first marriage through years of his alcoholism because I believed in the commitment and I thought we could eventually work it out.  Then he left me to marry one of our best friends - yes I know, very cliche.  Now, I live with someone who, well, all of you have described quite thoroughly....so another cliche?  Don't read my other post because I obviously shared too much too soon thinking this was different than it actually is.  Can an engineer who thrives on her life and home being organized really make a marriage work with someone who self-describes as "ADHD AF" and thinks "clean" means most of the dishes are in the dishwasher but the rest are piled in the sink and the counters and floors have not been cleaned (just as an example)?  I was planning to register for the couple's seminar - is it worth the time and investment?

    As you consider answering, please know that I am happy with my fiancee 80% of the time.  The other 20% is driven by mess, disorganization, and finances.  And I do love him so much and can't imagine life without him.

  • Money Problems by: MXJ27 5 years 1 month ago

    ......

  • morning rage by: un12720 5 years 1 month ago

    H is 67 years old and has untreated ADHD.  He has had a successful career and has recently retired.  

    In my opinion, he does not sleep well; there is a TV in his room, so when he awakens, the TV immediately is turned on, no matter the time.

    H is very agitated in the morning and becomes angry over insignificant things and basically goes on a screaming, profane rampage.  BTW! This is NOT new behavior.

    Would appreciate others' input.

     

  • Spouse is finally open to seeking behavioral therapy! by: moneypenny 5 years 1 month ago

    My husband was diagnosed about a year ago and is on medication #3 (Adderall) with some success. However, without behavioral therapy he's had the medication amount upped a few times and then it seems to wear off. He's struggled to find solid, reliable talk therapy and was feeling very frustrated until recently. My own therapist has extensive experience in adult ADD specifically with a trauma base, and she agreed yesterday during our session to let me bring him to my next one with her in a week. I had planned to find a new therapist who was more available so I am happy to transfer her to him if it goes well while I find a new one, and let him make progress with her. My hope is bubbling over that this is the beginning of transforming our marriage, young as it is (four years), so we can avoid a marriage of rocks and fractures all because of the ADD symptoms.

  • focus on the trash by: jennalemone 5 years 2 months ago

    My H has a focus on garbage.  He gets enraged every Saturday at me because he feels like I don't process the "throw aways" correctly.  He literally sits on the floor of the kitchen with the 2 garbage bags and sorts, rips labels off glass containers, shreds, and categorizies every fine piece for over 30 minutes.  He is always FUMING at me while he does this because I don't do this.  

    I have a choice.  I can do it his way (which to me seems out of proportion of time spent for trash) or..

    I can let it be and let him have the ownership of the garbage duty.  As it is, every Saturday he steams and cusses and slams thing. He cannot talk about it.  He is a hoarder. He tells me I must re-use Saran Wrap and when he takes it off a dish from the fridge, he folds it and puts it in a drawer. 

    Do I teach him that if he cusses at me that I will do things his way? Or do I keep my dignity and go about my own business of cleaning the rest of the house?  

    Do I spend my time categorizing the trash to keep the peace? Shall I take my own trash out clandistinely and bring my trash to the county dump myself...thereby taking the chore away from him? Do I just endure the slamming and hating?

    I know there is no correct answer.  I know that consistancy is the best policy since change upsets him.  But the slamming and cussing upsets me.  

    There is no talking about this. He has been stonewalling me for months. I refuse to start a discussion about it because it always starts a fight. My muscles are sore from tensing up and stuffing everything and knowing things are not good.

    Just sharing because I need to share this morning. I can't know if he is having personal problems in his head or if he is so furious with me. He won't talk.

  • Lost Power by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 2 months ago

    No, the hurricane had nothing to do with it.  It was because of unpaid bills.

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