Recent Comments
- by: Off the roller ... - Hopefully this doesn't make anyone with ADHD feel like they have to answer to any one of us...but totally this. I don't like any of these things either. Yet I do them because they have to be done in order to be a functioning member and really, just to make sure that I even like/care about myself in 5 days, 5 weeks, 5months or even 5 mins time. That's how I look at it. I can acknowledge that an ADHDer might not look at it that way... but then how DO you look at it? It sucks for everyone that has to do it....>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: alphabetdave - this isn't quite how I understand dopamine to work in the ADHD brain. It's not that we're addicted to dopamine and can only do things that give us a dopamine hit - it's more that we're chronically short of dopamine. Dopamine is a part of neurotypical brain functions too, it's just that your dopamine receptors actually function properly. Your ability to do things on the basis that they are necessary and adult, is due to either the fact that there's plenty of dopamine swimming around in your brain and your...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: honestly - ok so what i don't understand here is, i don't get dopamine from cleaning. i don't expect to get dopamine from cleaning. i just know it is a necessary and adult thing to do - like providing a balanced and varied diet for my kids, maintaining personal hygiene and driving the family car. Apart perhaps from feeling nice after bathing, I don't get any particular dopamine hit from any of this. Why do people with ADHD need everything to make them happy; why is there no acceptance of the adult understanding that...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: Swedish coast - I'd say a mess is fine if I choose it. When I was young and lived alone I had bachelor habits. Not disgusting as in rotten smell from under the kitchen sink, but messy, unfinished projects around the house. It was not a problem at all. When I share a living space, that's a different thing. Tidying in order to leave a room clean for the next person to enjoy is an act of respect and love. If a partner and I are both lazy but efficient when we want to, we could probably choose mess some days and order some...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: Swedish coast - Having children also changes us. It gives heightened receptivity and emotional connection. It may not be by chance that the arrival of children in an ADHD-non relationship makes the non suddenly accept things formerly unacceptable. As a strategy to keep family together possibly, but also I imagine by a not so conscious biological surge in empathy. Oxytocin makes it happen. And at a time where ADHD symptoms also might increase because of the challenges of parenthood. I know at least I went through a great...>>> on Forum topic - Can ADHD marriage make nons too empathetic?
- by: BurnedOutLady - Reading this old post, don't know what happened to this woman and her marriage, but Jesus what an abusive awful husband. I hope she left him.>>> on Forum topic - Husband Didn't Acknowledge Mothers Day...at all
- by: honestly - but am still in situ. Not for much longer though. Plans in place.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: BurnedOutLady - Or are you still in?>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: BurnedOutLady - So yes I do realize this plays into it. My partner also waits until the last second to do everything and I know there is some need for that rush and pressure in order to get it done. But why is it that his rational mind cannot, after all these years, overcome whatever other issues are play here? That's when it starts to feel like he just doesn't give a shit about me, it just isn't worth it to him to take the extra time to clean up his messes, even if he knows it is really unpleasant for me to live with...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: BurnedOutLady - Okay. So please if you will, try to give me more insight into this: "I don't really have any other options available, I certainly can't go round just, passively noticing mess and dealing with it as I go about my day. " Given that this is essentially what is needed in order to maintain a clean and orderly home, I would like to know exactly why you "certainly can't" do it. When you explained about the dishes I could start to understand your sense of overwhelm and it makes sense that you might break it...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: Off the roller ... - It's not lost on me that this thread popped up in my feed when I went to check the forum. All the comments and replies and back and forth are STILL RELEVANT in 2024. And for anyone who posted in this thread and is reading this: THANK YOU because your shared experiences really do help someone like me who is struggling right now. In so many ways. And a shitty Mothers Day that went in an unexpected turn is one of them. However, with that being said, I've taken the last year of doing the work on myself first...>>> on Forum topic - Husband Didn't Acknowledge Mothers Day...at all
- by: honestly - I had thought that there was something broken in me that made me tolerate what others wouldn't. The poor sense of self, heightened empathy, hyper vigilance, and lack of boundaries that come from being the child of a narcissist. But it's quite possible that the effects of being in a relationship with someone with ADHD kind could exactly parallel that. You either are like that already, or you become like that, or you're already outta there!>>> on Forum topic - Can ADHD marriage make nons too empathetic?
- by: BurnedOutLady - We will see. I would like to feel something akin to hope.>>> on Forum topic - Update on leaving ....
- by: honestly - I would also like to know - especially regarding the asked 10,000 times, and you love this person, thing. I was baffled by this at first, as i was politely asking for reasonable things, then I became frustrated, then angry (mostly internalised; hello Hypertension!) , and have now given up. I feel that he literally doesn't hear me when I speak. He has diminished me to almost nothing. I'm just this awful person that he won't, for some reason, let go.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: c ur self - I've watch my wife hoard and be messy for 16 years...Only at Christmas or when one of our family is coming in from out of town to visit, does she go on what I call a shame cleaning binge...With her hate for anything mundane (in her mind) or rhetorical, that lacks a dopamine producing feature like cleaning, organizing and things that doesn't have a thrilling element to it, she will always put off, dodge completely or half do it....It's a reality of mind we can't understand even if someone tried to explain...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: c ur self - We had so many good talks (by posts)....I never will forget the night we decided ADD wasn't a problem....As long as never use it as an excuse to hurt others...I still believe that...Hope you are well my friend.... c>>> on Forum topic - The Silent Suffers
- by: c ur self - Try to see her as an independent agent, when she starts down a road you don't recognize, and you would never go down...First, nothing good will come out of engaging negativity....It's not your's to own, no matter she is your spouse....The walking away and saying never mind is as close as my wife get's to looking in the mirror and trying to take ownership of her emotions...We must let them walk away.... c>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: alphabetdave - Mess doesn't really matter Hear me out!! So, I know a couple, one of whom has fairly recently decided to get assessed for ADHD (I should probably find out how that's going), and the other - I wouldn't be surprised at all if they have some traits. Their house is always very messy and cluttered, we're talking "they were expecting us to come over and we still have to make space to sit down amidst the clutter" cluttered. They have 3 kids which, doubtless doesn't help. But for the most part they just get on...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: Swedish coast - I'm so glad you feel some things are already better. I will hope for you to disentangle further in this peaceful way. It seems like you've been successful in communicating your needs and that he is willing to listen and treat you respectfully. I wish you all happiness going forward!>>> on Forum topic - Update on leaving ....
- by: BurnedOutLady - I am overly empathetic. I feel a lot of pain in this world. And I feel my ADHD husband's pain. I am empathetic to his childhood pain, to the PTSD in his family. Every time I have come close to leaving him (which I just did), I always started feeling the pain that would cause him and honestly I have never wanted to hurt him that much. Also, in order to avoid killing him many times, I have had to force myself into compassion and empathy that I honestly didn't really want to feel. It was the only way to...>>> on Forum topic - Can ADHD marriage make nons too empathetic?