Recent Comments
- by: The Bull - 3 month update: Situation turned for the worst. The person I spent 16 years with is now gone and looking back at what I originally wrote is interesting to see where my mind was back then. Every hopeful thing she said seems like it was a way to keep me at bay so she could finalize her move. It went from unsure to "I was just doing it to make you happy" "I've felt like I've never been in charge of any of my decisions" "I checked out months ago". I embraced the situation 2 months ago and decided to look out...>>> on Forum topic - Undiag ADHD spouse finally decides to get help possibly 16yrs too late
- by: Swedish coast - >>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Swedish coast - Thank you for replying Swampyankee. I'm so sorry you have this very same experience (the 22 years is our story too). Im struggling with stress still eight months after divorce. It's been so upsetting living with his fallouts, denial and occasional high functioning (that only made me angry in the end - it's hard to respect the necessity of a wheelchair in a person who occasionally walks and thinks nothing of it). My nervous system seems to have been re-wired to constant fight or flight mode and I've become...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: swampyankee - Swedish coast, this exactly. My spouse is brilliant. He's a great actor, he is a brilliant botanist. He's well spoken and he's...all those things. But at life and relationships? He's not. We're at the beyond breaking point now. I told him I was done...at which point he finally said he'd seek a diagnosis. But even if he did that now...it's way, way too late. I've had patience for his failures while being brilliant for 22 years and that well has dried up. I (and you) deserve a life uncomplicated...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Catterfly - Hi FinallyCrushing, You're such an inspiration. The fact that you're here, trying to learn about ADHD and how it has affected you, and making adjustments to how you operate in the world, is a game-changer. If I'd ever heard an apology from my husband, or a recognition that his rages are misplaced, then things would be different. But he is in complete denial. In fact he comes to this forum but doesn't see his own behaviour in the "extreme cases" people are describing. Including my posts. Thank you...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: c ur self - People with ADHD need extra neurotransmitters to make up for what they're not getting otherwise. This is where the need for stimulation comes from. The chase for outside stimulation will lead you right down the path of least resistance and avoidance of what is difficult, boring or takes energy away. Those things can be draining, not stimulating, for a person with ADHD. This was my thought process as I read what you just said C. Enter motivation. In my own life as a young man, this is what I had to...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Haveaniceday - Reading through this thread, it really becomes crystal clear, in my case at least, that the inner motivation only exists in a very narrow / hyperfocused way for my spouse. He did quite well in life in his 20's when he was fortunate enough to be paid to do his hyperfocus thing all day long. But this thing has a natural age limit to it, and as life has gotten more real, he hasn't been able to keep up with the normal growth curve because that option is now finished. It's very difficult for him to muster the...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: J - People with ADHD need extra neurotransmitters to make up for what they're not getting otherwise. This is where the need for stimulation comes from. The chase for outside stimulation will lead you right down the path of least resistance and avoidance of what is difficult, boring or takes energy away. Those things can be draining, not stimulating, for a person with ADHD. This was my thought process as I read what you just said C. Enter motivation. People have been known to do superhuman things in...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: c ur self - Everything feeds of self-awareness....IF any of us refuse to SEE and OWN, our thoughts, words and behaviors we become an unsafe person for others...This is true in aspect of life...Only self awareness of my reality allows me to see what other's see in me...Be it a wife, friend, co-worker, or my creator... c>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: FinallyCrushing... - I was on Adderall for several years and was exactly like what you described. It absolutely took a crazy event and then the pursuit of self-awareness to overcome. My marriage is now stronger than ever, but if I'm being honest, it's only been very solid (on my end) for the past 4 years and we've been married for 13 years. I guess what I mean to say is don't give up hope, but whether it's you or a spouse having the issues, I recommend both people try to learn as much as possible about ADHD. It really helps...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: FinallyCrushing... - Dang. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you guys. I was a mess for several years (minus any depression sympoms). I feel like medication CAN be really helpful, but it's more about the work I did for myself. Coming here, reading about symptoms and stories, seeing it in myself. It was really those realizations that helped me augment my behavior and headspace. Do I still get enraged several times a week? Yes. Do I let it out? Almost never. I've found that just calling it out inside my head ['rejection...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Swedish coast - This sounds very familiar, yes! The thing about highly intelligent and talented people with terrible executive functioning (ability to make things happen), is a partner can misunderstand their ability completely. For years! The impressive traits of the ADHD spouse fuel high expectations in the non-ADHD spouse. Those expectations aren't entirely let down. Later, the ADHD partner gradually lose their youthful energy, therefore can no longer compensate for their lack of executive functioning. Finally they...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: c ur self - Personality plays out in "how our minds work", is it a flexible trait? Yes, and No...I, or any person's attitude toward our own realities (awareness) is key....If I justify intrusive actions, then no, my interruption habit, might not be very avoidable...But, if kindly brought to my attention, and my desire is to not be intrusive, then I can view it as something I DO, and can give you the liberty to kindly point it out, when I get on a roll w/Interruptions.... Just something to consider....>>> on Forum topic - Advice on dealing with stream of consciousness talking
- by: c ur self - Motivation is key...If a person's view's and desires for themselves day to day, is of a self pleasing nature, and they invest their time and energy there, in activities outside the realm of responsible relationship demands, then the meds. only produce more focus and more energy for those selfish pursuits....Under pressure (hide their true self from others) the spouse might not even recognize this person's actions, (like I see w/my wife) because all of sudden her motivation becomes shame driven and drug...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Haveaniceday - Swedish Coast, I couldn't agree more. I think you and I have / had a similar type of dynamic in our marriages and I think it's not as common as the garden variety Non ADHD / ADHD couple. I cannot fault my H for all those above qualities, he is an exceptional human being, but I do feel that he is just not capable of functioning at the level required by today's modern society, especially the country where we live which is horribly complex and getting through a day is a huge challenge even for the most highly...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Swedish coast - Sometimes I feel a need to add when motivation is somewhat questioned in ADHDers as a group: there are also some, as I have seen, who lack nothing when it comes to motivation, devotion, loyalty, even self sacrifice. They still may not function to save their marriage. The non-ADHD spouse may hope that their love will make the ADHD partner change their ways. But like you can't make a person in a wheelchair walk to please you, you can't make a neurodivergent person change. By insisting on change you might...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: J - Hi @griffcat, There's been a lot of good information mentioned in this post already, mainly about what meds don't do. I concurr. From someone who took Adderall for over a decade, stopped for five years and now just last week, started taking them again, I have a fresh set of eyes on the effects meds are having on me much of which, are things you can read up on in countless sources including this site. I could talk at length on this subject and expand on the things already mentioned in this post. Right now...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: adhd32 - He is upset because he must now be responsible for everything in his life. Of course he is angry. Remind him why those boundaries are in place when his RSD surfaces then walk away. He can learn to control his anger if he wants to be your spouse. The choice is his. You have to develop a suit of armor against his feelings, those are his to manage. Old habits die hard and likely he knows how to push your sympathy button. Boundaries only work if you enforce them, do not allow him to manipulate you with...>>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy
- by: c ur self - Same...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Haveaniceday - Has anyone else noticed that putting healthy boundaries down to protect oneself elicits major rejection sensitivity from the ADHD partner? My husband told me the other day that the feeling he has now is so painful and unbearable because he really senses me taking some distance and sticking to my boundaries. I feel so sore for him, because i know he would never say this unless it was really severe (it took him many many years to even be able to talk about his feelings!), but at the same time I know 100%...>>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy