Recent Comments
- by: BurnedOutLady - I can imagine my partner doing that. I mean that has been the default theme anyway, but I can imagine him just kind of flipping completely in order to salvage his ego. It could be that your partner spoke with someone who doesn't really know the story and that person supported him in thinking that you are just too demanding. Anyway what's next is that you can continue being demoralized and beaten down and exhausted to the very depths of your being, or you can consider how to have a life on your own.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner no longer “the problem “
- by: 1Melody1 - I never experienced the shift because my ex husband maintained that state of denial the entire time. From experience I can tell you that the non-ADHD partner can't alone improve a relationship where negative ADHD symptoms are what's making it dysfunctional. Or rather you CAN for one of you... by doing everything and becoming nothing, your HUSBAND will feel like the relationship is great, but you'll be an angry, exhausted shell of a person. You only get one life... don't give it up for someone who refuses...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner no longer “the problem “
- by: alphabetdave - this sounds kind of familiar - hear me out in this comment as it's probably going to sound like I'm taking your partner's side for a while but this isn't my intention! It's interesting that you mention that he was diagnosed as a child, and that you've been together for 20 years - only mention this because, our understanding and approach to ADHD has changed massively in just the last 10 years alone, let alone his whole life. In particular something which is much more commonplace now, is an abundance of...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner no longer “the problem “
- by: honestly - Thank you for your explanation and very effective analogy. It does sound really difficult, and you seem like a thoughtful and caring person. To be clear, I did not mean to imply that people with ADHD were addicted to dopamine - I am aware of the baseline lack. My husband's particular teflon situation has been to turn away entirely from tasks he doesn't want to do - he is above the day to day pettiness of cooking, sorting out thr kids, or driving places in the car. I realise now it's probably RSD...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: honestly - I haven't experienced this as a sudden shift myself, but have been cast in that way for a long time. I am described as relentlessly negative, critical, and cruel. When tasked by a therapist to substantiate that final claim, all OH could come up with was a conversation we'd had 25 years ago, before we were even married, in which I'd reported something a wee bit harsh someone else had said about an ex of mine who had unceremoniously dumped me. Literally that was it. Not another single example. But I have...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner no longer “the problem “
- by: Nevergoodemough - I don't think anyone believes me the Jekyll & Hide thing either but I also don't talk about it much. i am however glad I found this forum. Definitely makes me feel way less crazy than years of therapy were able to. I'm in therapy for several years already for "inability to feel joy and relax". Some days I wonder why, some days I KNOW!>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: c ur self - Hopefully it will go OK, it's something I never wanted to be part of my life...But, I could probably say that for other hard places, and tough times...I guess the transition for us will be about as easy as it can be for any couple....She didn't take my name, her house is 2.5 miles from this one, it still has the utilities on...We make about the same money and never shared accounts...We do taxes separately also....Her life style for 16 years has been one that flowed from an Independent mind, (single minded...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: BurnedOutLady - Yes. That really does happen. And while it can't be true, there are times when it just seems like he is actually trying to make things worse for me. Particularly before any events. I have some events that I do that take a lot of work, and not only will he never help ahead of time, but it's like he throws firecrackers at my feet at the last minute. I can count on it. It does feel a lot like he is purposefully just refusing to allow me to lead, to do what I ask, just because I am asking. He doesn't want me...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: alphabetdave - or at least, I tried to give an answer to this yesterday but it didn't work out to be very coherent. I'm tackling this post in 3 parts as it's easier for me that way: When I say "I don't have the option to passively notice mess and dealing with it as I go about my day", what I mean by this is, I don't really have the option to consistently, passively notice anything. This is why ADHD is called what it is - the "attention deficit" part is a bit misleading because we don't actually lack attention, we just...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: 1Melody1 - Eeks! The dishrags!! My husband didn't feed our child either. HE would eat, but not feed her. ??? It got so that I couldn't go out for anything longer than a dental appointment and even then I'd generally return to chaos of some sort. It was imprisoning. Wish I'd left earlier of course but the threat of sharing custody with someone who couldn't meet our child's basic needs loomed large.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: 1Melody1 - I'm heartened you've found peace with a hard decision but sorry for the challenges you've faced and that still lie ahead. ❤️>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: 1Melody1 - 100% he thought this was helping. I agree. Here's the thing... Obviously I had gotten to that point alone, understanding I would receive no help from him... so after I've cleaned the whole house, planned the event, bought the food and am preparing that food... while he chilled on his laptop all week... to actively make my life worse just before company arrives when I've already bent over backwards to work around the ADHD as it is? It's just too much. And I did tell him that any other day I would fully...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: Swedish coast - Melody, this is so spot on. The anxiety, the rush, the fight just before guests arrive. Doesn't it make one embarrassed at the state of the household... I carry this shame still, like I can't entertain at home though there is no last-minute guest stress anymore. I see a lot of dysfunction in that scene you told. I think my husband was proud of himself when he one afternoon started some far-fetched project instead of feeding hungry children as he'd promised. When I came from work and said that thing you're...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: BurnedOutLady - So much of this. When he finally decides its time to act, he has no awareness of everything I've already been doing. He gets in my way, messes things up, rushing around like a crazy person, stressing everyone out. And of course having a rage attack if I get irritated or refuse to help him do whatever he decided should be done at the last possible second.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: c ur self - Melody my emotions were effected just reading this story! WOW...I have lived under these same pressures for 16 years...But thankfully I've come to peace with it all....If she doesn't start moving her stuff back to her old house in the next week or so...I'm going to see my attorney...I have been very long suffering, and loving...But I've finally started asking her...Why are you here?....She don't have an answer, but, I do...It's like a hotel here for her, I make her life easy....But, no more...Once I got...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: c ur self - Any time we justify poor habits, intrusive habits, w/ little to no regard to the spouse or family who share those spaces, it will always look like they don't give a shit...Why? Because the results of the action's are the same...Rushing means; "left mess's"...Mind's drawn primarily to dopamine producing activities means; uselessness or laziness's in responsible mundane area's of life...The reason you and I and so many who post here feel these burden's are because they are real...It don't matter why... When...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: alphabetdave - I don't think it's that we can't understand our partners' need to be prepared rather than stressed at the last minute, it's just that no amount of understanding will result in a change to one of the core things we wrestle with with ADHD, our own inconsistency. The fridge story is interesting as it sounds like there's a few things going on there. It sounds to me like essentially your husband recognised that there was in fact a need to tidy up before company arrived, and the thing he settled on as "my...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: 1Melody1 - The last minute rush was a huge source of stress for me. I'm sure it's fine for a single person with ADHD, but I found it unfair that I was expected to understand how dopamine worked and "work with" that rush while on the flipside he would never understand my desire to be prepared vs. stressed at the last minute and find a way to help with the cleaning in advance. It only worked one way. When we were having company, I couldn't wait for the last hour for him to be motivated to start the several hours of...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: honestly - I honestly don't mean anyone with ADHD has to answer to me, just that I really do not understand what the process is here, and I would like to.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: Off the roller ... - I've been where you are now BurndedOut Lady. And I'm actually there now and both times, I took a badly-needed trip that didn't involve the ADHD spouse and MY GOD, the battery recharge!!!!! It was incredible. Take that trip - business or whatever - do whatever is in your power (which you have more than you realise!!) to take these types of trips that allow you to get back to YOU. To reconnect to yourself. Laugh with someone, make jokes without having to be worried about reactions, drink a little (if that's...>>> on Forum topic - Update on leaving ....