Recent Comments

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.  To me it sounds like you've entered a survival mode, and it seems time in this marriage is still eating away at your strength and joy.  You and your spouse definitely don't deserve this, nobody would. I know what it's like to spend all your mental and physical resources on preserving a love for a good person but still see it wither away. It's so heartbreakingly disappointing, you don't want to believe it's true. No matter how strong you are, I doubt you can turn...
    >>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy

  • by: Catterfly - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Hi Off the Roller, I can't tell you how much this post meant to me this morning.   What you described sounds like exactly what I'm going through.  I've finally realized exactly the same thing (I think): that I've become bitter and angry and I'm not living in alignment with my self.     I've taken the summer off work to be with my daughter, who isn't well.  But as I've been thinking through how to help her heal, I've realized that I need to heal myself, too.  So in parallel I'm going to take myself on a...
    >>> on Forum topic - The frustration in communication!!! >:/

  • by: Haveaniceday - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    This hits me so hard. Our marriage has been a series of starts and stops financially because my husband has chose to work in his passion, which is neither financially great nor gives much time for us as a family. I think that working with one's gift and passion is amazing, often think that this capitalistic society can really kill people's souls, but also think that sometimes one just has to grow up and do what is necessary. My husband literally wont change what he does (he has major self-limiting beliefs...
    >>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration

  • by: Neuchatel81 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I do appreciate your comments. This has been going on for SO long that sometimes I feel as if I am the entire problem. I have always handled the household finances since he bounced checks in the first few months of our marriage (when I had never bounced a check before). As long as I do not question him, all is just fine between us. It is only when I ask about his business and profitability that all falls apart. He told me the other day that "profit" is not his goal with his business - once again I am...
    >>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration

  • by: Neuchatel81 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I realize I do need boundaries. They have been attempted previously, but when it comes down to it, he always justifies what HE wants without regard for any prior mutual agreements. It is difficult to make a stand even though I am confident. When he gets angry, he loses all reason, everything is black and white, and I am told I am the issue since I do not believe he will change. Another good discussion point for my therapy appointment tomorrow.
    >>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration

  • by: 1Melody1 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    "How do I determine if I am being unfair to want a stable retirement income ..." I know you're really close to this situation, but to an outsider, it's extraordinarily clear that you're not being unfair. A business that hasn't been profitable for 5 years? That's an instant no-go - especially when you're nearing retirement. There is no more discussion. There are other ways to make money and it's time for him to shut this down and get a job that brings in predictable earnings to fund your shared retirement...
    >>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration

  • by: swampyankee - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Our accounts are all joint--although, for reasons which may become clear as you read this, I'd like to separate them entirely.  We have separate (joint) accounts for different uses.  So: clothes money goes in the clothes account, car money goes into the car account, "event" (birthdays) money goes in the event account....you get the idea.  However, ADHD impulsivity still rears its ugly head, even in these "practical" areas..for instance my (un-diagnosed, in-denial) husband literally told me one morning that...
    >>> on Forum topic - Husband and I Disagree about what "fun money" should be used for

  • by: AdeleS6845 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I don't see anything wrong with your husband deciding to use his "fun money" towards new clothes as long as the bills are paid.  I don't see the problem with it. I'll admit this post was a little triggering for me because I have an ex husband who controlled every cent that I spent whether I was working outside the home or not. He got to spend money on whatever he wanted, but I did not.
    >>> on Forum topic - Husband and I Disagree about what "fun money" should be used for

  • by: adhd32 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Hard and fast rules are needed if you really want change and aren't afraid to put your foot down.  If you are hesitating because you are afraid this action will end your relationship consider that he is manipulating you now and not acting in YOUR best interest.  If you do nothing you will get the same from him. In order for a change to occur, something must change.  That change must come from you. To answer how you secure your own future, you tell him no more money.  No discussion.  You know it is not...
    >>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration

  • by: bnslr - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Hey there C! Thanks for the heartwarming comment. I "C" what you mean :-) This is indeed what's happening and I started noticing this when I talked this week with my spouse. This balance really needs to be considered as it's a lot lot more healthy to go with. I'm in realisation that lately I went into depressive feelings, emotions and habits. I was sleeping a lot, had no energy left, and my moral was seriously down. I'm trying and I'm learning! Thanks again!
    >>> on Blog entry - 9 Tips for When Non-ADHD Spouses Just Can’t Cope Anymore

  • by: c ur self - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I love it when I see spouse's work together (transparency)....And as most on this site know, if one spouse has some difficulty in spending, long term planning, or impulsive action's it can cause issues, it can lead to knee jerk decisions like attempting to mother, think for, or control....Which are all highly disrespectful, and will always lead to conflict and disagreements and inability to communicate.... I suggest in the area's you can't find agreement, that you find acceptance...If there are things...
    >>> on Forum topic - Husband and I Disagree about what "fun money" should be used for

  • by: Catterfly - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    That must have been so hard, Swedish.  Caring has to be the most important part of a partnership and I think it was so brave of you to accept that loss.  I've read some of your post history and I can really feel my courage picking up, having seen you already go through this.  Thank you so much for sharing with us all.
    >>> on Forum topic - Clarity

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Maybe you feel stressed by the family's economy or have experienced bad financial decisions in your husband. In that case I totally understand cold feet when it comes to fast spending. If not, I'd suggest you show generosity around your husband's wardrobe. If you encourage spending to make him look good and feel confident, that is a very personal and loving gesture. You could perhaps enjoy a little shopping together to celebrate his success and treat both of yourselves to something nice? / Read your post...
    >>> on Forum topic - Husband and I Disagree about what "fun money" should be used for

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 4 weeks ago
    Your description of non-negotiables is crystal clear and to the point. It applies to me too. My husband scored the 2, but not 1 or 3. That's why I stayed for so long. He was extremely caring, but had no executive capacity to act. I do think a lot of ADHD marriage problems appear in other marriages too. Have realized though that I will never be able to compare really. It's so hard to understand what's in another person's marriage, even your best friends.  Catterfly, I ache for you. With your clarity of...
    >>> on Forum topic - Clarity

  • by: c ur self - 5 months 4 weeks ago
    I know I have been in a bad relationship from the beginning....And I agree with everything you said here...Also, when I think about you (your posts) I see a intelligent lady, a lady who see's reality quiet clearly...But like myself has experienced the unwanted arrow's to her heart.... The reason I stayed for 16 years is simple (for me)...In simple terms....16 years ago I took a vow to God, and my wife...I was the one between the two of us that was married (for better or worse, in sickness and health,...
    >>> on Forum topic - Overthinking; & over analyzing

  • by: adhd32 - 5 months 4 weeks ago
    I honestly wish my ADHD husband cared about his clothes and appearance. He has gained considerable weight from sitting around on his phone and everything he owns is at least 10 years out of date.  If you aren't stretched to the max and have some wiggle room why is the purchase of something he needs relegated to thrift stores?  Buying and wearing new clothes one loves is often a positive experience and a way of outwardly expressing oneself.  I'm am not sure why part of his bonus cannot be used by him to...
    >>> on Forum topic - Husband and I Disagree about what "fun money" should be used for

  • by: c ur self - 5 months 4 weeks ago
    I feel for you, it' obvious by what you've written here, you see your self pretty well....No, no one deserves to be talked to like you said was happening....But, it sounds like it's coming from a person who is giving up hope...A person who feels unappreciated....In describing your weekend's your dark humor, alcohol, etc....What I am hearing is a man who is choosing to stand in the fire, while crying for help to be put out...Think about more self control, less being the life of the party, and more about...
    >>> on Blog entry - 9 Tips for When Non-ADHD Spouses Just Can’t Cope Anymore

  • by: scoullard@outlo... - 5 months 4 weeks ago
    Thank you. I hope both of our spouses will see themselves for who they really are. In the meantime I appreciate your support.
    >>> on Forum topic - I suspect my husband has ADD but he is in denial

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 4 weeks ago
    A thoughtful observation. Being somebody's crutch takes a lot of patience. If nothing is offered in return, and the helped one mainly spends their time enjoying themselves elsewhere, it's hard to keep up the help.
    >>> on Forum topic - Overthinking; & over analyzing

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 4 weeks ago
    "We were abandoned by our spouses long ago but continued to fight for the relationship we thought we had" That moves me. That is so true.
    >>> on Forum topic - Overthinking; & over analyzing

Pages