Recent Comments
- by: alphabetdave - just pushed back into "comment purgatory" (no malice in this label, only humour lol), am sure it'll reappear later, around when this comment appears!>>> on Forum topic - frustration with comment approval process
- by: honestly - because you're not really reading what I write. I have enough of not being listened to at home, and since I'm getting better at boundaries - bye.>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: Off the roller ... - I hear you and see that your comment was deleted! Not cool!>>> on Forum topic - frustration with comment approval process
- by: CANTGOBACK (not verified) - When a few unhappy people gather to vent, that's all they want to do. I will leave you all to it and I'm sure won't be missed. Good luck!>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: CANTGOBACK (not verified) - What it seems most here want is not to be challenged, and to meet any challenge with a call for compassion. However, there is nothing cruel in pointing out that it takes two, and that the path to freedom involves personal responsibility for one's circumstances. It may not be a welcome idea but it is valuable nonetheless, and anyone has a right to voice their opinions here.>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: CANTGOBACK (not verified) - I disagree.>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: honestly - I certainly never suggested that. It is a problem, it's horrible, and it's often part of what is recognised as an unhealthy dynamic between ADHD sufferers and their partners. The first time I posted on this site, I got directed by Melissa to read up on boundaries. I took my medicine. I don't consider my own messedupness a virtue nor am I now ashamed of my failings. They're the result of my upbringing. I'm doing the work. Boundaries have to be asserted somewhere, and the OP's boundaries were breached,...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: honestly - it's hard. And maybe we can show compassion, recognising how difficult and time consuming the work is to arrive at this understanding and self knowledge. And recognising too that it is not solely about the individual, but that that individual operates wihtin a wider society, a culture, and has absorbed established norms and expectations. And that these cultural or social expectations (of, say, patience towards loved ones, or that marriage requires 'work', or that if someone loves you, they listen to you)...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: alphabetdave - on the flip side of this, again anecdotally - people with ADHD can often seem to end up in relationships with narcissists/abusive partners, precisely because of the fact that we're incredibly reactive people - and fundamentally what these people want is to be reacted to, rather than a healthy relationship where healthy needs are met I don't imagine this describes the relationship of anyone here - I think forums for "survivors of ADHD relationships" are probably fairly unconsciously selective, in that they...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: CANTGOBACK (not verified) - But, it seems that half of this painful, toxic dynamic positions themselves as morally superior, or more intelligent, or more adult, when really they are acting out scripts learned in childhood and not improved upon.>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: CANTGOBACK (not verified) - They have reasons, you have reasons. ADHD impacts the ability to do things that a "reasonable" person would do, and the Non has conditioning or psychological obstacles to doing what a "reasonable" person might do. If the ADHD partner is alone responsible for recognizing and dealing with their issues that make a healthy partnership impossible, isn't is also true for the Non? It is. Both partners have grave obstacles to being healthy and each one blames the other, insisting that the other improve...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: honestly - is really hard to get over. I mean, between what seem like perfectly sensible expectations and the baffling response to them. It is genuinely hard to process that 'oh, that simple courtesy I asked for is not happening... still not happening... still not happening.' It can be genuinely hard to believe. That and the fact that people with ADHD often seem (anecdotally; I've observed this here and on other fora) to be attracted to/ have longer term relationships with/exploit people who have trouble knowing and...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: BurnedOutLady - And I see it in my husband. That is definitely how he feels.>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: BurnedOutLady - In my other posts I have described how actually I have just split with my husband and he has moved out. So this post of mine is really just me assessing what has happened over the past 13 years and trying to make sense of it.>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: Swedish coast - Removed that comment on second thoughts>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: CANTGOBACK (not verified) - I can't help but notice, you are beyond frustrated about why can't a rational mind, after 10000 incidences, not make a decision to override certain behaviors... Why does this not apply to your own rational mind, and the decisions you make? Are you averse to seeing how you ignore consequences of your own choice to stubbornly insist and expect that someone's behavior will be different than it has, for 10000 incidents? In spite of how frustrating things are, you are not and have never been a hostage to...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: Swedish coast - I'm moved by the efforts you've made in your marriage and hope you will be happier soon. What do your Elders say about ADHD? I imagine even though diagnoses we talk of today are recent discoveries, the religious communities must have thought about these things happening in marriages long before we knew the biochemical reason for it? All the best to you, C.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: alphabetdave - essentially women sometimes seem to be better at masking ADHD - usually at high cost to themselves, as masking is always at a cost from what I gather, they pretty much learn to put in place lots of coping mechanisms (not necessarily all good?) so that they get through life fairly minimally affected by ADHD on the outside menopause in particular seems to be a lot of women's "breaking point", all the changes involved throw them out of whack, their masks don't work nor do their strategies I'll not make...>>> on Forum topic - Any Nons here find out they too have ADHD?
- by: alphabetdave - When I read this I couldn't help but think that there's a parallel idea to this in my own experience, from the ADHD side. So parallel in some ways that I hope you don't mind, I'm going to adapt your first paragraph to what it often feels like from my side (disclaimer: none of this is necessarily accurate so much as it's an expression of feelings, and it might not correspond to every ADHDer's feelings either) I think part of the dynamic is when we, the partner with ADHD, imagines that if our partner...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: BurnedOutLady - Just an update -- my partner, who moved out a week ago, but only to the house next door - continues to come over because we do work together. He can work here but go to his house to eat and watch TV. But he has not taken the TV even though I keep telling him to take it. And so, I still find him here on the couch watching TV. The flash point of our troubles for months has been him making a mess in the living room while watching TV and eating. Leaving all his shit all over the table, crumbs, food sludge,...>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess