Recent Comments

  • by: Catterfly - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Hi Swedish, You've been a beacon of light for so many of us, so I will say that it matters very much that you're here.    I hear you though.  Contemplating 30 or 40 years alone is terrifying.  The reality though, is that you won't be alone.  You'll build new, even more meaningful friendships.  You'll move forward in greater and greater alignment to yourself. And then - as I told my 75 yo mom this week (she lost my dad at 57): there's always the nursing home for new relationships.  I've heard that they'...
    >>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Thank you for your kind words. It's such a comfort to hear you've been here too and know there's hope. 
    >>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone

  • by: sickandtired - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Swedish, you are still in the very early stages of healing. You have to give yourself time to reawaken your feelings after being shut down so long. You waited years to see him improve, so I know you have enough patience to see this through for your own health and peace of mind. I started over at age 60, and there's plenty of love and companionship for you to look forward to.  You've done the hard part. Be kind to yourself, and use this time alone to nurture yourself. You deserve it! Thank you for your...
    >>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    It's unethical for a therapist to do couples therapy and also see one of the partners in individual therapy. Siding with one person in therapy is also unprofessional. Both things are entirely unacceptable to licensed professionals in my country. Even as our couples therapist saw our problem clearly (my husband's illness) she would never put cheap labels on either of us, and never dismiss any person's feelings and perspective. Im sorry you've had these experiences with therapy. 
    >>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?

  • by: Haveaniceday - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Thank you for being so kind Swedish coast...
    >>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy

  • by: AdeleS6845 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Getting your own therapist will really help along with getting a different couples therapist. I experienced something similar when going to couples therapy with my ex-husband.  I didn't know it at the time, but the therapist that he picked out for us to go to as a couple had been his therapist for months. She only knew his side of the story. She took his side immediately, labeling me an "angry person", after only hearing me speak for 5  minutes. That was the first and only session with that therapist. 
    >>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?

  • by: Mamashazza - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I'm really grateful to know I'm not alone . I know it's not comforting bud you described my 36 year marriage in ways I can no longer pen or wish to hear myself speak.    It's sad to think I'm soo tired from the experiences of the constant highs and lows, love hate & poor parenting that hurt us all..  Sad that my suffering included self harm attempts as a means to escape and cope . Knowing that suicide became the most common thought every time we would do this dance and it was a cycle of frustration...
    >>> on Blog entry - What Does the "Child" Role Look Like in Parent/Child Dynamics

  • by: Catterfly - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Your words are so wise, Roller.  I needed to hear them; I've been so angry lately.  I love how you've reframed this into understanding and enforcing boundaries.  It's such a positive and empowering paradigm to operate from.
    >>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy

  • by: Off the roller ... - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Haveaniceday, I could have written this. We are one and the same. Same marriage, same exact position right now and I too, am wondering if the work and effort needed for my marriage to survive this will be worth the effort that i will be required to make (and expect/require/coddle for my spouse) with the knowledge that we just aren't sure or confirmed if our marriages will ACTUALLY survive and get through this in the end.  The sadness is grief. And you have to treat it as such. I signed up and completed...
    >>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy

  • by: 1Melody1 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I think being in relationships like this can make us feel crazy and make us question ourselves. But our gut knows when things aren't right. If you struggle finding a right-fit couples therapist right away I wonder if getting your own therapist might help in the meantime. When I first went to therapy myself it felt so good to be heard and validated. Finally someone validated that certain dynamics and behaviours were not okay and didn't try to make me shoulder blame I shouldn't or demand I continue to change...
    >>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?

  • by: Catterfly - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    You seem like a very empathic person.  You clearly love your husband and are concerned about honouring his feelings.  Even the time you took to brainstorm safe running options is evidence of that.    On the flip side, your husband hasn't been able to put himself into the mind of a toddler that wakes up and finds themselves locked in the back of a vehicle with their siblings.  That alone could be very very frightening to a child. It's so disappointing that your therapist didn't validate your feelings and...
    >>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?

  • by: Catterfly - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Hi Murph, What you're going through has some elements of what many of us have experienced: divorce threats, impulsivity, and emotional abuse.  But this sounds really extreme. I wonder if something else (in addition to or besides ADHD) is going on.  Is this a standard pattern of behaviour for her?  Or is it something new?   Regardless, this behaviour is obviously not ok and you need to take steps to protect your physical health and mental wellness - as well as for your son. I'm sorry you're going...
    >>> on Forum topic - Undiagnosed ADHD and threats of divorce

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I agree with Melody. Get rid of the therapist. I know who I'd choose in this case to take care of children and it's neither your husband nor the therapist. All the best to you.
    >>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?

  • by: Luvs2Run - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    One thing that has always really felt hard is feeling like I don't have freedom. When plans are changed on a whim and not communicated often it means the whole house has to revolve around his schedule. Something I've tried to do more and more is just go through with my plans.Even when it's hard and even when it feels like it will be less fun without him. Often, when he sees that I'm going to move forward with the plan without him he decides to join in. Sometimes he doesn't, but the more I do things by...
    >>> on Forum topic - The frustration in communication!!! >:/

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I wish he would find some good treatment that will take some of the load off you.    Take care, you are precious.
    >>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy

  • by: Luvs2Run - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    That's really validating. As much as I want to be better about accepting that there's more than one way to look at things I think having my barometer for reasonable challenged is a huge part of what feels so awful. It's a huge trigger that makes me feel crazy and so angry when I know that my perspective is reasonable and my husband claims I'm being unreasonable. I think that's why having the therapist sort of invalidate that reasonablity really felt terrible. It's like...ok I already have to ask myself "Am...
    >>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?

  • by: Haveaniceday - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Thank you Swedish coast, your posts are always so informative, tender and honest. You are right, I feel quite spent. I hope that my latest non-negotiable of getting therapy for himself, and then us finding a therapist together (I refuse to do the legwork alone) might still happen.  I feel like I  just have to sit in this space for now and wait, restore my energy, connect with myself again, and be on more stable footing before any huge decisions can be made. I hope that you are slowly but surely finding...
    >>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy

  • by: 1Melody1 - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I'm sorry but his plan for the children was 100% unacceptable. That's not at all safe or reasonable. It's a selfish decision. It sounds like his drive to run is so strong that absolutely everything else must bend to accommodate it. Who cares if four other people are negatively affected as long as he gets his fix?? To disrupt the children by dragging them out in the heat at that hour is ridiculous. They are much too young to be left in a car at a distance even without the heat. He wants strollers and iPads...
    >>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    Incredibly scary. I don't know what to do. Even when I tried to behave like I wanted, I came rolling out undignified from the disgusting mess that was our communication. 
    >>> on Forum topic - The frustration in communication!!! >:/

  • by: Swedish coast - 5 months 3 weeks ago
    I disagree with this therapist. No one I know would approve of your husband's plan of tearing small children out of bed in wee hours to leave them in the car. Any parent I know would instead ask a friend to babysit for an hour if they were really addicted to their running. And most parents I know wouldn't prioritize their running over their children or their partner's need to have a few days off once in a while. Even if there weren't any acute safety issues involved, it's just a strange plan that would be...
    >>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?

Pages