Recent Comments
- by: 1Melody1 - Pain/heartbreak and hope that treatment would change him are guiding how you feel right now. That's completely natural. But he needs much more help than you can support and he has to want that for himself. He knew this about himself and still put you at risk - he could have been in treatment years ago for this. You are not safe to be with him again in any way. I suggest no contact and individual therapy to help you move through this and keep yourself safe.>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
- by: AdeleS6845 - Hello, saudade. I am concerned for your safety and well being. I was married for 20 years to an abusive man. He had anger and control issues and would often fly into a rage over the smallest things. He never physically hit me, but I would cringe and cower when he raised his voice. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He criticized and belittled me regularly. The one time it became physical, was when he forced himself on me sexually. I stayed and put up with it until I couldn't anymore. I was in my...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
- by: J - I believe are a common thing with folks who have ADHD. Depending on what other things a person has going on, these cycles will vary from person to person for example: My main cycles are burnout and anxiety/depression associated cycles. I also believe they can be unique from person to person depending each individuals natural make up. I don't suffer from every symptom so some of these things don't apply to me. For example: I don't have trouble sleeping or falling asleep. I tend to sleep very soundly and...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Haveaniceday - This is not about the topic of the thread, but every time I read your posts Swedish Coast, I have the thought that you should write a book about your experience. The way you describe things makes one really feel the emotion very deeply. There is such pain but tenderness in what you write. I do hope that one day you'll find that playful, free and vibrant person that you truly are, again. Your writing resonates closely with my experience, and your words help me to understand so much more of myself. I am...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Catterfly - Hi Swedish, I just came to re-read this thread as it's become relevant to me personally in the past 24 hours, as you know from the thread I started (and I'm so thankful for your wise advice there). Reading your posts all at once told me so much more about how you're feeling. I hope you've been able to find a strong support person and/or doctor to help you through this time. I'm concerned for you. Sending virtual hugs. We will get through this.>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: Catterfly - Swedish, I've been following your journey with admiration. I know how hard it's been for you, as many of us here, and thanks to your honest and vulnerable posts, I understand what I'm up against once I leave. It's by no means the panacea that we hope for, at least until we process the trauma. But at least it gives us time to do so. I look forward to the day that you say you're doing better. Til then, we're all here to find a moment of peace and support together. I send you my very best wishes that...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Catterfly - Thank you, swampyankee, you're so right about this. We get raised to learn that we help our spouse "through sickness and health" - but there's a line that is crossed when they're the cause of the sickness, and especially when they've clearly passed it on to the next generation. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Catterfly - To all who replied so quickly, thank you so much. I needed to hear the tough love (stop over analyzing and go now!), the validation from all of you that this is really terrible and it doesn't matter what I've done to deserve it, or whether I've done enough to help him, your stories of tragedy (sickandtired, I'm so devastated for you and your sister), and your stories of hope (1Melody1, I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is thriving after you left). You've also given me a framework to think of this...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Swedish coast - To me, rage episodes seemed a last resort when my ADD ex-husband had exhausted himself and still couldn't make himself understood or approved of. I imagined rage is a desperate measure in the face of failure. A mind struggling in a world without rewards. It was sad, and I could understand that with enough frustration and pain, rage will surface in many of us. I thought rage was manageable, even though it couldn't be reasoned with and couldn't be made to follow any decency rules. Like an anxious dog can...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: 1Melody1 - Echoing everyone else here - get out as soon as you can. I think your daughter's idea of distance is a good one if legal and reasonable (won't upset the other daughter, won't take you far from your support system). I would say don't blame yourself. Most of us got to the darkest places slowly and getting out is never easy. Sometimes it takes an event. You are doing all the right things and there are massive weights on your shoulders right now, so be kind to yourself. My ADHD ex had no ability to hold...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: swampyankee - Although he hasn't turned violent, my husband's dysregulated temper tantrums, rants, and rages have always been traumatizing to me and to my children, and they have always been my fault in his mind. Even now that I've told him in no uncertain terms that I will not have that kind of energy in my life anymore, he still can't see that his reactions are his own and not "caused" by anyone else. I am still "doing stuff to him" in his mind. And until he does own his own actions without trying to blame others...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: sickandtired - I am so sorry you and your daughters have to endure his rages. How can he not realize his rages are traumatizing you all daily? I agree with others here that it doesn't matter what causes his rages. My ex raged daily about everything, large or small, and it was always my fault according to him. His rages traumatized me as a 60 year old educated worldly woman. I still have flashbacks of his abusive words almost 9 years after I broke up with him and forced him to move out of my house ... I can't imagine how...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: adhd32 - It doesn't matter what causes his deplorable behavior, it is affecting the entire family. It is terrifying to witness a raging person. I cannot imaging the depth of your daughter's anxiety from being subjected to his out of control behavior on a daily basis. He is abusive. Stop trying to rationalize this and save your children. Look into therapy for ptsd for yourself and your children.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: c ur self - Waiting until a behavior is grating on us to the point we are emotionally stressed, is the very worst time to address the behavior...Even if a spouse is very wrong w/ a behavior, they like us all don't want to feel scolded like a child...That in it self can produce defensiveness....Any time we address behaviors are habits w/ an adhd mind...It's best to do it in a calm moment...With their full attention (make sure you are being heard)....And do it calmly, quickly, and to the point...And w/ add minds it's...>>> on Forum topic - Advice on dealing with stream of consciousness talking
- by: Swedish coast - You describe dramatic months. So sorry it has developed this way. I share an experience of the relationship having taken so much damage, once diagnose and medication and awareness happened, trust and intimacy were in rags and couldn't be restored. As non-ADHD, I've been blamed for the entire thing by my ex husband. He's accused me of constant abuse and making him lose his will to live. I on my hand have felt his inconsistency, rage and deceit have almost destroyed me. There will never be closure in...>>> on Forum topic - Undiag ADHD spouse finally decides to get help possibly 16yrs too late
- by: Swedish coast - Catterfly, what terrible news. I can't grasp the level of pain. Nothing can justify your husband's attitude. He is concerned with his pride more than the survival of his child. It's a moral abyss. ADHD or not, I wouldn't care what the reason is, there is no excuse for it. He also shows a shocking ignorance and lack of ability to process information in a crisis. Please get yourself and the children out of there immediately. Lawyer up. Get the medical team to witness. You probably find yourself here by ...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: J - I'm only one person with ADHD, so I can only speak about my own experience but yes, intrinsic motivation can definitely can be learned. For me, I started learning it at 6 years old competing in sports. No one made me, in fact, if my parents had tried to make me I probably would have quit. It was 100% my decision and I could quit without consequence any time. I continued for training and competing for 12 years when I graduated high school. The lessons I learned from this stayed with me for my entire life...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Catterfly - Hi YM, I can't relate to this directly since my ADHd spouse mostly just avoids me and hides in his office. However, I have a job where I have the joy sometimes of hundreds of emails a day. I think the record is about 500. I dealt with it by scheduling email time in my calendar (daily), and adding to my auto email reply that I will reply in a certain window, either today if urgent or tomorrow - and also that they could text me if severely urgent. So I recommend doing something similarly proactive down...>>> on Forum topic - Advice on dealing with stream of consciousness talking
- by: YM - Thank you for that thought. I'm sure I can find a way to point it out kindly when it gets too disruptive, especially if we have a conversation about it to get permission to point it out.>>> on Forum topic - Advice on dealing with stream of consciousness talking
- by: StandingFirm - I have read words and phrases that have been in my head for so long, living with an ADHD spouse. Roller coaster of emotions, having to be on our toes to prevent or dodge a rage, tiptoeing around to not set them off. And exhausted. So much exhaustion from all of that and the patience...i want just one conversation free from defensive or narcissistic responses, walking away, blame. hang in there.>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?