Recent Comments
- by: 1Melody1 - If she's warming to online therapy, maybe Melissa's couples course would be a good option. I do believe the book is an important component, which would be a great way to share it with her. Maybe she's not in a place where she's willing to put in any more work or understanding. I've been there. Maybe if you positioned the book as "I read this and it helped me understand some of your frustrations better and I want you to see that I'm starting to get it." Another thing you can do is start taking action...>>> on Forum topic - How do I convince my wife to read ADHD Effect On Marriage
- by: Catterfly - Hi J, I can't comment on the specific nuances of your message. However, I'm seeing a theme that I think is really important, and that is introspection. You've clearly learned about ADHD and its impacts on others. You're trying to learn, and to build bridges with your loved ones. As a parent of ADHD kids as well as a non- ADHD with Dx spouse, I agree that the kids are never to blame for any of this. It's up to us with executive function and reasoning skills, combined with those with lived experience...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiving Yourself
- by: Swedish coast - Hello, I'm sorry about your crisis. I also tried to make my ex read the book, and failed. I think your wife is disturbed by dysfunction between you and she seeks to find her own solutions. She may not want to hear your suggestions since she doesn't share your problem description or point of view. This, sadly, seems to be what many of us face.>>> on Forum topic - How do I convince my wife to read ADHD Effect On Marriage
- by: J - Using myself as an example. Being the youngest child by many years meant my older siblings were gone long before I moved away from home. The difference between when my older siblings were there compared after was like night and day. The isolation and lack of support was felt almost immediately. From a modern sociological standpoint, this probably really plays out a lot more than say 100 years ago. A person with ADHD would likely have more support in a traditional large family with extended family member...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiving Yourself
- by: Photographyjunkie83 - This sounds a lot like my marriage. My husband learned in January that he had been living with undiagnosed ADHD for 58 years. We've been married on 3 1/2 yrs. We are currently in therapy, which just started. It took 7 weeks to get an appointment. I just want a sliver of hope that there are effective tools that he's also willing to try. I've read The ADHD Effect on Marriage while he read another book that he started in January. I encouraged him to read ADHD Effect on Marriage, too. It describes...>>> on Forum topic - Love and respect
- by: Swedish coast - I agree with you that often it's not helpful to put blame on top of the hurt that ADHD and non people cause each other. Have been thinking of family life now in relation to earlier in history. Could ADHD-non families perhaps have less inbuilt friction and stress if the nuclear family wasn't so isolated? It's always that one partner now, and the other. Between them everything is supposed to happen, and a family life shaped, and everyone is supposed to get their needs met. What if extended family, or a...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiving Yourself
- by: wes - This is my struggle. I feel like he is purposefully making my life harder and it makes me so resentful.>>> on Forum topic - Question for the ADHD folks about mess
- by: Swedish coast - Your shock is very easy to understand. What a terrible surprise. It seems ADHD and non partners misunderstand each other at a level I previously wouldn't have thought possible. Why hasn't she given you any hint during traveling, that she is through with your relationship? Intentions, thoughts, emotions of the ADHD partner, they all seem so opaque sometimes. I can relate to a feeling of living in a different universe. The lasting impression I get is there is no such thing as truly understanding anyone...>>> on Forum topic - Wife just left me
- by: MelissaOrlov - Her decision to 'just leave' don't reflect anything specifically ADHD, in my mind, but they do reflect how little she feels she can communicate with you. It's possible this was pre-meditated and she went on the trip for her own reasons (always wanted to go, didn't want to ruin your chance to go, thought she might like to see if things might get better...who knows?) You mention that you have followed many of the negative patterns in my books. That suggests parent/child dynamics that she may have tried to...>>> on Forum topic - Wife just left me
- by: Taminator1 - I'm sorry to hear that as this is something that really came out of left field. Although I cannot speak for either of you, what I can the tell you is that she very likely has thought this through prior to your trip and probably said yes to going so she didn't make you feel bad. Plus, going on that trip gave her that temporary dopamine rush that she was craving. The fact that she left is showing that she wants to keep having that rush is part of the ADHD symptoms, but the fact of just packing up and leaving...>>> on Forum topic - Wife just left me
- by: adhd32 - She's probably found someone else or a potential new lifestyle (singlehood) she is interested in (a new shiny object) and has worked up a fantasy relationship in her head of how perfect things are going to be. The other person may not even be aware of her adoration, it could all be built up in her head. It's likely that you are shouldering a great deal of the daily tasks and arrangements so she has no idea what is to come without her safety net. She probably hasn't planned ahead either, just made a...>>> on Forum topic - Wife just left me
- by: BoeBoe - I love this phrase giving loaves and getting crumbs. It really does sum up how it feels sometimes as the non-ADHD long term partner. I love her so much but sometimes wonder what life would be like with someone who loved me back the same. I guess that is the whole dilemma. I don’t want to end things but I also can’t look back at my life where I feel I have given so much for so little in return. Melissa’s books and this site gives me the tools I need though to give it one last shot.>>> on Forum topic - Non ADHD partner feeling unloved
- by: BoeBoe - Thanks for your reply Taminator1. We have started with marriage counseling and it has helped us get things out on the table a bit more. Also interesting for me to hear because she rarely opens up with me but has done in these sessions. So it has allowed me to really see things more from her perspective. She is telling me about the ADHD coach sessions too so I feel we are working together on it now. Good advice about the judgment free zone. I think now that I understand ADHD more I can see that many of my...>>> on Forum topic - Non ADHD partner feeling unloved
- by: BoeBoe - Thanks for your reply. I'm holding on to some hope because she is trying more actively to get help for the ADHD and is much more open to discussing it with me now that I acknowledge and understand it more. I'm also making a few positive changes in myself (getting more in shape, being more positive, taking her on date nights) so I'm starting to see some green shoots that she is responding more positively to that. Perhaps because it is a new and more exciting me than she is used to! I know we may never get...>>> on Forum topic - Non ADHD partner feeling unloved
- by: Swedish coast - I empathize with you. It's difficult to feel shut out by the ADD partner. No matter how treatment proceeds, if you aren't included in the work or the process, you won't feel much improvement. I share an experience of being excluded and trying so hard to reconnect. To be honest I think in retrospect my now ex-husband really left me long before divorce. Had he been less passive, he might have initiated divorce. Instead, I think he just silently gave up on us, but kept on leaning heavily on me. I hope for...>>> on Forum topic - Non ADHD partner feeling unloved
- by: Taminator1 - It's good that you are acknowledging her ADHD and reading up about it. It turns out that she is simply looking to escape the problem rather than to face it. Although she is working with an ADHD coach, is she talking to you about it? If not, it means that she is not really willing to work with you as you are working with her. The other thing I will suggest is marriage counseling because you two need to figure out how to function as a unit rather than as 2 separate individuals. There's obviously disconnect...>>> on Forum topic - Non ADHD partner feeling unloved
- by: Swedish coast - It does sound very hard. I'm sorry you are faced with such grim options too. Divorce is a beast. A peaceful post-divorce state has not yet set in for me six months after. But my children are happy. I can tell them and be proud, that I loved their father and did all I could for us to be able to stay together, but it was too hard. Now I can say with some authority to my child who might be too kind for her own good, that we all need to set boundaries in life and to respect ourselves as much as those we love...>>> on Forum topic - Doing the work on your part as the Non
- by: Off the roller ... - Thanks Swedish, this is where I am - literally and figureatively - right now. Sitting in my office while he has shut the door and shut me out. All because I forgot to do something and then things that were out of my control happened, and then I got blamed for the other things. It's so incredibly painful and I know family and friends can see it and just feel also helpless. Some days I don't want to vent or share with anyone because I wonder if I'm doing more damage. I have a 10 year to think about it and...>>> on Forum topic - Doing the work on your part as the Non
- by: Swedish coast - Yes I agree, it's very hard to regulate oneself. In fact, it's grief and anger and stress to a degree I suspect threatens health. I was calm, or at least kept my voice low and didn't say things I'd regret during his RSD episodes. It didn't help the outcome. He generally yelled insults at me and then left or shut himself in and refused contact. After, I was shaken, relied heavily on close friends and family to vent. I was painful for weeks and had a hard time reconnecting, which was up to me to do since he...>>> on Forum topic - Doing the work on your part as the Non
- by: Off the roller ... - Thank you for posting BoeBoe. I can tell that you are struggling. I don't know about the first part of your question...or rather, I don't have an answer. But I do have a thought relating to your 2nd question for the Nons. And unfortunately, from the last 4 years of going through this, it seems to me that you can't. You can't get your partner to DO anything - including falling back in love with you. They have to CHOOSE to do this, they have to CHOOSE what they want to do for their life and their...>>> on Forum topic - Non ADHD partner feeling unloved