Recent Comments
- by: Off the roller ... - Ah Swedish, I tear up reading this. I feel for you and I feel deeply for you and your post here because I know it well and you have literally just typed one of my biggest fears of what will happen on the 'other side' and why I can't face the possibility of this pain. I can read and feel and hear your pain and I'm so sorry. I don't want to say anything cliche bc we both know that this is so real and so hard and so harsh. I'm not being funny but do you have friends where you are that you can share this...>>> on Forum topic - Confidence
- by: Swedish coast - Catterfly just mentioned a book called This Is Where Your Marriage Ends. I got it and just finished reading it and recommend it in my turn. It deals with the mistake often husbands in particular make by not taking their partner's viewpoint into account when making decisions, and then invalidating and judging their partner in their resulting pain. The author is a divorced male journalist. The book also tells that not knowing your spouse intimately - preferences, fears, inner landscape - makes the...>>> on Forum topic - The stranger who now lives in my house
- by: J - In real life practice, my SO and I haven't had many, but there's been a few tense moments with anger involved. These moments all have one thing in common including the reason why they've happened. Same reason, same cause and same result every time. The symptom: Kicking the dog behavior or...just taking out the cumulative stress and anxiety of work (mostly ) on everything around her, which turns into anger about things in general, and everything seems to annoy her including me. Walking into the room and...>>> on Forum topic - Symptom, Response, Response
- by: Off the roller ... - I've been reading your responses from afar and this particular one made me smile - just think! There is DEFINITELY a market for a book like this, I feel like a lot of the time I'm inudated with books and all that about how I have to learn about ADHD, etc. And understand their shame and acknowledge their hurt, etc. Some days I'm here for it...other days I want to throw those books in the bin. There SHOULD be a book written from the non-ADHD perspective (@Melissa?? Are you reading this?? :) ) solely - so it'...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: J - Thinking about this..... If you respond to something, that implies you're doing so in a somewhat controlled and thoughtful manner. That's not really the problem is it? If anyone involved in this dynamic is reacting, that implies they are doing it from an emotional place...a place without thought or reason? But what if the person in position #2 does not react or respond to the symptom? Where does that energy go? The story of the emporer who had 3 sons comes to mind. An emporer designed a test to see...>>> on Forum topic - Symptom, Response, Response
- by: Will It Get Better - Except it is actually 'Symptom, response, symptom, response, etc.' Forever.>>> on Forum topic - Symptom, Response, Response
- by: Swedish coast - It's so nice to have virtual friends sharing this. I'm full of hope for us.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: hope for joy - I am so very grateful for this community! After 13 years of marriage to a suspected ADHD spouse and after reading Melissa's book, life finally makes sense. Unfortunately despite following Melissa's advice on how to broach the subject with my spouse, he remains in denial and not formally diagnosed. Now my only option is my own counseling for the chronic anger and resentment I am experiencing. And perhaps some guidance about how to encourage his buy in. I realize now that I am part of the problem and have...>>> on Blog entry - 5 Reasons He Refuses to Admit He Has ADHD - And What To Do
- by: Catterfly - Please rest assured that you haven't made me scared or impacted my choices. If anything you're showing that it can be done and helping me to think everything through by sharing angles that I hadn't even considered. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, whichever path you choose, and it's nice to have virtual friends on the path. :)>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Swedish coast - Catterfly, I could add those two things to my story as well - pushing a little for decisions and giving hidden emotions a breezy attention. I appreciate so much your nuanced approach to these issues. In fact I marvel that you - who could understandably have been both angry and discomposed after what has recently happened - have the ability to keep shades of grey in your thinking at this point. You're right. We need to forgive ourselves for when we were less than we wanted to. And for me - who was...>>> on Forum topic - I was critical and impatient
- by: Swedish coast - I'm grateful too for your observations that are so precise and thoughtful. It's invaluable for me to think all this through together. Thank you Haveaniceday for your presence.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Swedish coast - Thank you Catterfly. I just want to assure you a bit: life isn't that bad. Which means what you may be up against isn't so bleak! I can enjoy myself fully now from time to time, and I'm surrounded by loving family and friends. I come to the forum to work at grief and turn it, looking at it from all angels. It's helpful. But it's not the whole picture of my life in the present moment. I wouldn't want to increase anybody else's pain or anticipation of pain... Thank you for your kind words.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Swedish coast - I'm relieved and impressed that you've already done these things for yourself and your children. That is wonderful. Thank you for sharing. So glad you're on your way to a safe place.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Catterfly - Hi Swedish, A lot of this applies for me, too. I know for example that having patience for a decision that may never come was a source of frustration for me, so it's possible that I grasped onto hints of his agreement, vs truly making sure that he has completed his think-through process, or helping him to do so. Another area I think about a lot is validation. Did I get to a point where I was quick to dismiss his feelings? At the very least I can say that I didn't dig too deeply to find them out. It...>>> on Forum topic - I was critical and impatient
- by: Swedish coast - Thank you Off the roller. We'd like to be different than these relationships allow, I think. It's obvious on the forum - there is so much kindness and compassion. But then we all freeze in disfigured shapes in relation to our spouses. It's hard not being able to feel pride about our family life that we've invested everything into. Dear Off the roller, I think about you.>>> on Forum topic - I was critical and impatient
- by: Off the roller ... - Swedish, I really appreciate you sharing this. This is me and you and I are the same. I'm in the midst of this right now and finding it so so so so difficult. It wasn't always like this, I don't want to BE like this but we are in such toxic dynamics and I find that I'm just paralysied in communication. I can't even ask him to throw away his breakfast trash because I'm not sure on the reaction I'll get. It's really tough. You are so seen and validated.>>> on Forum topic - I was critical and impatient
- by: saudade - Dear Swedish Coast, thank you for your comment! I agree with you, I did protect myself, I went to contact, I have wonderfull friends (I never thought I had such wonderfull friends, who were so supportive), I have my apt, my job, I did all the steps for him to take the consequences. And he says he does. I am not living with him, I am independent in all ways. Still, I see there a will, I see there shame and guilt (as I saw today) and I needed that to understand that it has consequences. I am a person who can...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
- by: Swedish coast - Im sorry to hear this has happened to you. My history is having for many years excused bouts of emotional and verbal aggression in my ADD now ex-husband and consoled him after. Why I did it? Because the rest of the time he was incredibly loving. Because I loved him, and because I wanted to save our relationship, and because he was unable to make the repairs. As he was unable to choose anything better than rage when there was a conflict. You describe weakness in your partner. Since he's so frail, he seems...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
- by: saudade - Hello dear Melody, thank you for your feedback! As I met him by accident today, he is so down and in suffer that he wants to change it. We don´t live together (he was always at my place, but he has his apt.) I understand perfectly what you say and I would agree, if he would refuse to take help. I know his adhd and other syntoms and traumas will not go away, is a part of him, but he is muc more than that. I am not naive or not rational, I know exactly in situation I am, I could be dead, I am aware. But if...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner
- by: saudade - Thank you so much, Adele! I´m happy for you with your new relation. The problem with my partner is that he cannot control his syntoms when he drinks too much. I saw it happen before, with other people, but I could take him off the situation. This was the 1st time this happened and he got the consequences right away (now he has sevaral appointments with the police, and has to go to the court). I am not excusing him, but trying to understand and explain. I have to admit, I didn`t take adhd and the other...>>> on Forum topic - Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner