Recent Comments
- by: Swedish coast - That's so nice to hear! I've had CBT therapy on and off for years and it surely does help. I think the feeling of worthlessness comes from a sense of major life choice failure. Why did I stay? Why did I pick him to begin with? Why haven't I ever lived alone long enough as an adult to learn some valuable lessons about living? I used to think I was quite strong and talented. Now I mostly see my own weaknesses. On the other hand, others I love have weaknesses too, and that doesn't make them less in my...>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: Swedish coast - I was told by my high-level ADD then husband's excellent psychiatrist that we should expect the medication and therapy startup to take 12-18 months to give us a glimpse of the future. Medication apparently can need several adjustments. Also the ADHD partner's adjustment to the new situation will take time. Meanwhile, I was told to try and work with my then husband to create new routines and try to enjoy myself separately. So I'm under the impression it may take some patience. In our case medication...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Catterfly - Those are really poignant words from your mom. Thanks so much for sharing. I had the same understanding of marriage being hard work. I remember talking with my dad about it when we got engaged 18 years ago. At that time, he said that I can't expect a 32 year old man to behave as well as he would at 56. I adored my dad so I understood that I was likely putting unfair expectations on my then-fiance. Now my husband is closer to 56 and I can see that the problems were much bigger than, as your mom said,...>>> on Forum topic - Clarity
- by: honestly - All you've asked for is loyalty, kindness and respectful communication from a partner. I'd say this is not something YOU need to work on; you just need someone who can show up with that in their repertoire. We end up doing sooooo much work to try and achieve the basics - to be heard, to be treated kindly, to be supported - that we start to feel that it will all always be a struggle. I finally talked to my mum about this - about how I've kept on going for years because we are told that marriage is hard work...>>> on Forum topic - Clarity
- by: honestly - But pre-divorce. I have finally started therapy and it has helped immeasurably. I think often there is stuff to be dealt with that made us vulnerable in the first place to these relationships. I know I had a lot of issues caused by narcissistic parenting, so I didn't understand my own feelings or that they mattered, and had a very fractured and insecure sense of self. This meant that I let his needs dominate mine; I absorbed his RSD, blame shifting and neglect, because I didn't think I was worth better and...>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: Haveaniceday - Thank you so much for such a deep and detailed reply Off the Roller... I've taken a few days to reply, because as usual it was hectic, but I've had 48 hours basically to myself this weekend as H is away for work, and both kids have had weekend plans. I've thought deeply about your description of the sadness as being grief. And I think you're spot on. It comes and goes in rolls and waves, but most of all, the time I've had to think and feel this weekend has been amazing. I have had chats with 2 wonderful...>>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy
- by: Swedish coast - I think of you C.>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: c ur self - For years my excitement & anticipation turned into...(I should have known better :(....Beating myself up for trusting a self absorbed mind, who has no ability to make her me life an us life...So I've lived for years smothered in boundaries in order to smother my desire to freely love, and be loved.... My heart is dangerously dry, the least bit of nuture and I radiate to it...I have to be aware, and careful...LIfe is fun isn't it?>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: Neuchatel81 - Thank you for your words. I did speak to my husband yesterday about our retirement funds and his lack of business profit over the last 4 years. Despite my best efforts, he acts as if I am not making sense when I speak to him, but it seems as if he tries to make every conversation more complicated than it needs to be. I actually wrote down something I asked him for, and he told me I asked him for something totally different; when I gave him the note and showed him what was requested, he insisted he thought...>>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration
- by: Swedish coast - Digging through the grief work, that anticipation seems distant, doesn't it? I hope you feel some, C. Or that you will soon.>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: c ur self - I have very little true excitement or anticipation.... When you know that for years that you were committed, and invested, and put forth love and effort, with little to nothing REAL returning, it's damaging...A healthy marriage relationship supplies our excitement and anticipation...Maybe some day... c>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: c ur self - People who live in denial of their own reality, will always be hopeless to communicate about it....I am involved in separating from my ADD wife of 16 years....And this is (denial, refusal to see her self, refusal to own her behaviors) the main reason why...."It's the unyielding, self centered, attitude of heart and mind that creates the hopelessness" My hope for her is that once she is forced to deal w/ all disciplines of life alone, (that she uses me for now) she will at least come to some self awareness...>>> on Forum topic - The frustration in communication!!! >:/
- by: c ur self - Your husband's story is quiet common for many ADHD men (and women)...Refuses to take jobs working for others...Excuse's certain family responsibilities...Self Centered as it relates to what is good for them...It's obvious from your words here, that you have been a wonderful wife...This dynamic you are in with him, has been written here by other wives many times over the past 12 years that I've read and posted here....I want attempt to tell you what you should do, although I will say you got some wonderful...>>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration
- by: Swedish coast - Nature is the best remedy for most hard feelings, I agree. This week I've spent hours outdoors after work and it neutralizes emotions. Thank you for sharing. It's much appreciated.>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: c ur self - It's typical for people to want to excuse themselves for a moment of forgetfulness, distraction, or even a thoughtless moment or incident...Like you are doing here....(I did this, but she does this)....Accepting our spouse's lived out reality, along with self awareness for our own humanness, allows us to not have to say to much...It also encourages us to have grace for one another...Getting upset because your spouse does something (forgetting the form, or anything really) trivial, that you think they...>>> on Forum topic - What's the best response when your ADHD Spouse uses ADHD as an excuse?
- by: J - Swedish coast. When I've felt as you have, I found the loss of connection to be unbearable at times. Reconnecting with nature on a deep level always helped tremendously. There are miracles there everywhere when you look for them and find them. We're surrounded by them everyday. I never truly feel alone when I am able to do this. J>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: curiouscat - I keep notes on our conversations and then text him to confirm any decisions we have made. I also have a special notebook that I use to take notes in when we have a conversation and read the notes and the final decisions back to him at the end of the conversation. Sometimes we even sign the notes.>>> on Blog entry - 9 Tips for When Non-ADHD Spouses Just Can’t Cope Anymore
- by: curiouscat - Hey, I just wanted to encourage you to stay separate. I separated from my husband three months ago and it has helped our relationship immensely! I feel much better, no longer volatile and defensive in relation to him, I feel peaceful and happy and centered. I feel normal again, and I no longer believe that I was 50% responsible for the issues in our marriage. As my therapist says: I am a reasonable person. It was a great relief to hear her say that. You sound like a reasonable person too. The first week or...>>> on Forum topic - Divorce and questions on narcissism
- by: Swedish coast - Thank you Catterfly. I'm warmed by your generosity. Today I met with a mentor from childhood, who is now in their eighties. That too was very uplifting. They have always inspired by their unconventional and artistic choices in life. Now decades later, I could ask more questions, mirror myself in their stories and take part of their wisdom. It feels like reconnecting with one's young self through old friends is important at this stage. Who were we? is intimately linked to Who do we want to become? Again...>>> on Forum topic - Quality of life alone
- by: alphabetdave - I don't think this post really gives enough context to tell who's really "in the right" or not - we know a little bit about how your finances work but not a lot about the general dynamic But reading through this post I can't just automatically agree that he's in the wrong (full disclosure I'm an ADHD spouse, but I don't have any interest in siding with other ADHD spouses in their marital disputes - if anything it's easier to spot fault when you have zero investment in the relationship so my heart breaks...>>> on Forum topic - Husband and I Disagree about what "fun money" should be used for