Recent Comments
- by: Catterfly - Wow - that analogy is bang on. I've even said that I feel like I'm running a marathon while he's throwing chairs at me. We are just sooo disconnected. Your advice to leave slowly is also well taken. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and helping to validate what I've been feeling.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: shevrae - I agree with you 100%. And this is compassionate behavior for the non-partner as well. Self-compassion often gets forgotten as we try to empathize with how hard this condition must be for our partner. But it's hard on us too and we're often not getting a lot of care from our partner about it.>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: mstdn - Good one, thank you!>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: adhd32 - Boundary time. When she starts do not try to explain anything. When she is calm tell her you will no longer accept her verbal bashing. If she starts hold up your hand and walk away or drive away. Tell her that you will no longer be an audience for her imagined slights and if she can be a big grown up and have a big adult conversation, you will listen. I am sure she does not treat everyone like this so she clearly has self control. You must require her to treat you respectfully. You cannot change her,...>>> on Forum topic - How to compassionately respond to RSD
- by: adhd32 - Everyone has different reasons for the choices they make. The reward for leaving is a peaceful life, self respect, financial security, disentanglement from being codependent in order to keep the peace, a clean home, a healthy environment for their kids, freedom to make and execute your own plans. First, though, you have to walk through the fire not knowing what is on the other side. That is the daunting part. Of all the people who came on this forum in the last 7 years who were looking for support to...>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: adhd32 - Change in behavior requires constant effort by the ADHD person. If they are not doing anything different and not showing a commitment to change, you will remain as you are. Additionally, you may see some effort if you start talking about leaving but that is to keep you around until you fade into the background once again. A lot of advice on this forum for marital improvement is aimed at the non partner to be understanding, talk softly when spouse is in a good mood, blah blah blah. None of these...>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Off the roller ... - I really appreciate you posting this because this is me right now. I'm at the point that it's time to find out if he is interested in changing or not and then I'll be making my decisions about which way to go - same routes as you: stay and endure or leave. Both are hard. Choosing your hard is hard. I'm so sorry you are going through it.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Catterfly - Thank you so much. Your words don't sound harsh so much as they have a deep ring of truth.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Catterfly - Thank you so much. I see - accept and endure or make plans, but in any case stop hoping for change.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: Swedish coast - It didn't matter that he actually cared deeply about me and is one of the most loving and empathetic people I've ever met. He had no ability to see what his ADD did to me and he wasn't interested in facing it. It was more important for him to preserve his self-image. I left him, I had no alternative in the end. Am traumatized by the way my marriage ended. Still glad I left. I'm so sorry for your pain.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: 1Melody1 - "How can I get him to see how badly this has affected us," In my experience with a very similar-sounding husband, I could not get him to see it. At the end of our 20 year marriage, he still said, "IF I have ADHD, it's very minor." (He had a diagnosis by then even.) It's not minor. It's like landmines exploding in every single part of our lives every single day. Based on what you wrote, it seems like your husband is absolutely unwilling to see the chaos/pain/work he causes and like adhd32 said, you...>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: honestly - My OH has headphones on all the time. Once I thought he'd actually left me; I'd called everyone for dinner but he didn't come; the kids hunted all over the house but couldn't find him. I felt a moment's relief and joy- but then eldest checked the sitting room - right next to where I was calling from at the bottom of the stairs, and he was in there, oblivious, with them on. Hugely disappointing.>>> on Forum topic - Rude or unaware?
- by: adhd32 - You cannot make him see his behavior or feel empathy. Assume this is the best he will ever be. Become a spectator and observe what he does. Actions not words. Clearly he isn't interested in change. You cannot make him change. You cannot make him change. You cannot make him change. Really, your choices are stay and endure this life or start making plans to leave.>>> on Forum topic - Is it me
- by: honestly - How much they talk about themselves. Just going on and on. I don't think he's got clue one what I am like or what I like; he's barely given me a chance to speak in 20 years. When I do get a word in, he doesn't listen anyway. Or interrupts. Idk if this is just ADHD mirroring Nacissism, or as you say, full on narc. Or possibly he's just arrogant. I happen to be an expert on something - phd, publications, the lot. Very occasionally, my subject area happens to come up, and he, who knows next to nothing about...>>> on Forum topic - Is it ADHD or something else as well?
- by: honestly - Well done for getting this far! I have a very similar situation to yours - minus the puppies, sadly, but including the shared business. Death by a thousand cuts, over years and years. It's heartening to hear from someone who's made the leap. I'm gathering my forces to do the same. Solidarity. XX>>> on Forum topic - Leaving him
- by: Swedish coast - My congratulations. It sounds like you have made the right decision! I've divorced my severe ADD husband of 20+ years. As gently as I could, later than was good for my health, and only when the situation was unbearable and obviously affected the children negatively. It has been a hellish journey, mostly because he was aggressive and didn't respect my boundaries during divorce and I came out of it feeling totally unappreciated and disheveled, retroactively traumatized by his many rage episodes over the...>>> on Forum topic - Leaving him
- by: 1Melody1 - I promise you, there is something good on the other side of this that you can't see now. Leaving gives you the opportunity to find yourself again, to free your body and mind of the incessant stress of living with him and maybe to find happiness again with a new partner or career. If you need the rest and headspace, can you take as much of that as you need at your friend's? There's time for solutioning the "how" later. Maybe you pursue a new career. Maybe you get the house valued so you can get your half of...>>> on Forum topic - Leaving him
- by: BurnedOutLady - I grew up with a narc mom and yes, my ADHD husband has some narc traits. The thing about the narcs is that it can be just so insidious and hard to pin down. I won't say my husband is a full on narc, he doesn't tick enough boxes off. But I also think that perhaps it is more insidious than I realize and I am not seeing it clearly. For example, he will do a lot of things for me. There is so much he will do for me that I don't ask him to do. However, he will not do things I DO ask him to do. Like, clean up...>>> on Forum topic - Is it ADHD or something else as well?
- by: sickandtired - I dumped him 9 years ago because I was afraid of him. He distorts my fear into "hate" for him while he invariably has taken a victim role complaining about me to anyone who will listen. He lives over a thousand miles away from me, he doesn't know where I live, and I now own 2 large dogs over 70 pounds. One of them is a pit bull.>>> on Forum topic - My abusive ex boyfriend
- by: BurnedOutLady - Never mind about how to get your wife to forgive you. It won't matter if you keep doing the same things. She will forgive you and open up again when she sees you are actually doing the work consistently and really changing. Actually do this for a long time, like a year, and everything will work out.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD partner here who caused a lot pain