Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • New to this site - Frustrated by: sunnybird 5 years 5 months ago

    My husband of 30 years has ADHD. I was told by his family when we first met that he had ADHD when he was very young and it was controlled by Ritalin then he eventually grew out of it. Having no other knowledge of this type of wiring I believed everything his mother told me about it. I was given the impression that he was the only one in his family wired like this. Of course I was wrong about that. A couple years ago my husband and I went to counseling together, not for the ADHD but for the arguments that we would have about his family. We had become estranged from his family over dozens of behaviors and comments towards me over the last 30 years. It was cyclical and it would go like this. At family gatherings, something would happen or something would be said that was rude, hurtful, a false memory, anything really, and it was always a little crazy. My husband would not be a witness to it or deny he witnessed it, and then he and I would have an argument over it on the way home or the next day. At the next invitation my husband would forget anything ever happened with his family. Knowing he wanted to accept the newest invitation, I would start to have anxiety wondering what would happen at the gathering. If I said no to the invitation, he would not see his family and it would be my fault. If we went, we would have a disagreement the next day and it would fester until I forgot about it again and let it go. It has been a 30 year cycle of this over and over. It got to a point where I said I was not going to spend another Christmas with his family because of the behavior.

    At marital counseling my husband's childhood ADHD diagnosis came out in one of the sessions. This is when I was first made aware that ADHD isn't something one grows out of. It was a new day for me. Enlightened to no small degree. What I also discovered was that it is highly likely his entire family has ADD too, somewhere on the spectrum. Another moment of enlightenment. I discovered that their comments and behaviors over the years, which I would occasionally express at Turrets syndrome, were driven by their own ADD or ADHD. I started to see my husband in a new light. Even though his family had hurt me over the years, I started to see them in a new light. The truth is though; they still have responsibility for being unkind.

    Fast forward to today. We have managed to work on our marriage and be open about our behaviors - his ADHD and my anxiety towards it. I have more compassion and less expectation of my husband because I have a better understanding of how he is wired. We have been more peaceful because I accept and understand better where we can be our best and where we can get into trouble. To be very honest, I am the one that had to change. I had to change my behavior because it is nearly impossible for him to change his. There are days like today though where I get so highly frustrated that I want to cry. I occasionally get into what I call a comfort zone and forget that he won't remember a plan. An ADHD partner forgets so many things that are discussed. We have a trip coming up to Colorado over a work event (of his) in June. After discussing at length our plans, I made a separate hotel reservation to arrive a day early so we could have a day to ourselves. This morning I found out that he now has a work event planned for that day. This was not on his calendar at our lengthy planning session. As insignificant as this sounds, it really hurt me. It also made me angry and frustrated. It was a reminder that I sometimes feel like I have three children (we have two children) and that I can never let my guard down about planning. I was looking forward to the trip and now I don't really feel like going, which I realize sounds childish and petty. Anger is an emotion that is useless with an ADHD partner, but one that is a valid emotion. Occasionally I get my fill of the ADHD. Venting. Thank you for this site.

  • Daughter refusing meds by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 5 months ago

    Previously, we have found evidence of our daughter not taking her medications, including pills lying around the house.  Today, my wife told me that she has not be taking them for months.  She usually puts it in her mouth, takes a drink, and shows up her empty mouth.  It seems she has somehow managed to avoid swallowing them.

     

  • Advice on Confronting Wife by: billdo 5 years 5 months ago

    My wife has ADD.  It went undiagnosed for most of her life.  After a web search I figured she had ADD and I told her to ask a therapist about it.  Of course she was immediately prescribed Adderall.  At first it wasn't so bad.  Some things got better, she would clean up a bit better and not sleep in so late, and I sure it helped her with work.  This was several years ago.  With the Adderall her drinking has gotten worse, she drinks 5 to 6 drinks a night.  She claims she needs to drink to sleep.  In addition, her doctor has put her on thyroid meds and she had a Hysterectony.  Her chemical balance is all messed up.  If I even try to mention it she gets super defensive.

    Her behavior in the last few months has become very self obsessed andn mean.  She is always on her phone and just wants to hang out with her friends.  She is gotten very short and irritable with me.  Sometimes I think she is having an affair, but I checked her phone and no evidence of that.

    I would like to get her to drink less and get off the adderall.   However I think she may be addicted to at least one of them.

    Any advice.

  • ADHD meds and contra-indications with cardiovascular meds by: TimTimTim60 5 years 5 months ago

    Hi All. I was diagnosed ADHD (inattention) last week including taking a Qb Check (scored 99 so that makes me well into the spectrum). But the specialist couldn't issue me with meds, only recommend some, saying i need to check with my 'cardiologist' first.

    Three years ago I was treated for carotid artery dissection (I'm 60 years old), since when I've been on daily doses of statins, blood pressure tablets and aspirin. My heart is fine and so is blood pressure (122/59 yesterday).

    So finally to my question: has anyone also had a problem obtaining ADHD meds because of possible side-effect on heart/ blood pressure? If so, what alternatives did you have?

     

  • I Feel So Forgotten by: Surrounded 5 years 5 months ago

    DH had ADHD. He is on meds and really trying to work on himself. He works from home which makes it difficult for him to focus sometimes (working from an office is not up for discussion). Sometimes when I need his attention he will say things like "I need 5 minutes to focus on this first." I try to respect that and give him his space to focus on what he was working on before I came in. However, when a half hour goes by and I am still waiting, I get frustrated. If I try to remind him that I am waiting or go back into his office he gets angry and feels pressured. Yet, at least four or five times a week he ends up saying something like "Oh, I forgot you were waiting for me." I love my husband and want him to succeed. I just don't know how to deal with my own feelings of being forgotten about. 

     

     

  • Emancipation/Running Away/Grooming by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 5 months ago

    Our 16-year-old son is convinced that he is going to be emancipated at the end of the summer so he can move to another state to live with people he knows from the internet and a few video game tournaments.  He says these people are starting college in the other state.  He has very unrealistic ideas about how much it will take to support himself and seems to believe that these other peopel will help support him.  He has been warned that he will have to repeat math if he misses that classes three more times this year.  He has a zero in it right now.  He says that all of school is useless and boring.  We have offered to help him transfer to a votech school, but no, he wants to get out of the state.  Part of the problem stems from his anger at his mother/my wife.  He has also threatened to run away and disappeared a few times saying that we would never hear from him again.

    A couple of weeks ago a wrinkle developed.  He had come out as bisexual at age 12.  Two weeks ago, he told me he was afraid he is transgender.  I tried to be supportive and wanted him to talk to the GSA group at school.  He said he would.  Then he walked that back.  He decided he is not trans because he asked his internet friends to call him "her" for a week and it did not work.  I am very worried that 1) his feelings about his identity may be motivating the desire to leave the state and 2) people on the internet may be grooming him.

    This morning, I tried to use his guinea pigs as a life lesson.  He was bugging us to let him get them.  It would be so great.  Now that he has them, they aren't that interesting.  I tried to explain how something can seem great in theory but not be that good when you actually get it.

    I also told him about my sister, who thought she had nothing to learning in school.  Her best job every was being in charge of keys at a car dealership.  Then she got laid off.  She has spent years working under the table as a nanny--low pay, no benefit,s 7 days a week.  She also wound up saddled with a loser who went blind and had half his foot amputated because he knew better than his doctors when they warned him about diabetes.  I emphasized that we want him to have opportunities and choices in the future and that doing whatever he wants now will limit what he can do in the future.

    BTW, he does not want his mother to know about the trans issue.  He told her that he told me why he was missing school but was not comfortable with telling her.  Given her impulsiveness, I am sure she would blurt it out if I told her.  

  • Well I am still desperate by: Jasper 5 years 5 months ago

    I'm the non-spouse. It's been 11 years, most of which seem to have been hell. Again last night we had our every few months argument about the same old stuff. I've gotten my doctor to put me on welbutrin and had him up the dose at least once. She has even started talking about "separating our stuff." I'm 52, I changed my whole life to be with her. She's on Vyvanse and just as irritable as before. I'm massively overweight and she has been losing weight and is slim again. I guess at this point all options are on the table. The dog gets more attention than I do. God, I don't want to move again, don't want to start over. I'm the last thing on her list and she won't even touch me anymore. I don't really have any questions, I just want someone to know that I am out here.

  • Sometimes I Think I'm Just Fooling Myself by: overwhelmed wif... 5 years 5 months ago

    I have read the ADHD & Marriage book many times and tried to work through it and read through posts, etc. on this forum many times and tried to make sense of it all. But sometimes I think I'm just fooling myself. Sometimes I think that there are people with ADHD who do the work and take the medication and are able to have good relationships, even if it is a struggle for them. And then there's me, and really all of us stuck on this forum. And what I mean is that, I'm not married to someone whose problem is ADHD. I am married to someone who has ADHD. But if that were the problem, he would be able to do the work and take the medication and face life and relationships well. Instead, I am married to someone who won't do the work, and who takes medication sporadically and thinks that it is a magic wand. And here I am, reading the book and struggling to understand him, and filling the gaps for all the things he can or won't do, and pretending that I am in a marriage, when really, the book just doesn't apply to my husband, not because it is wrong about ADHD, but because he is too selfish to do the work. And the evidence for why the book doesn't apply to my husband is because after all these years and after all this work, I am still in a terrible marriage with someone who won't even go to a therapist despite me begging him to.

     

    What I'm trying to say is, maybe all of the people with ADHD who aren't selfish are able to work on their problems and make their marriages work, and therefore their spouses don't need this forum. And those of us who are here are married to selfish people who also have ADHD and we want to hold onto hope so we're pretending that ADHD is the problem and that someday we will be able to save our marriages.

  • Knowing I'm not alone, this is real by: Kateri 5 years 5 months ago

    I did a search on ADHD and marriage and found this site.  Reading this I was brought to tears (Not too hard lately) I read about non-adhd spouses, they were pretty much saying exactly how I feel.  I can see exactly how he is in the explanation of how the ADHD spouse feels and thinks too.

    I have been married 44 yrs to someone who has gotten progressively worse and worse.  He hasn’t gotten professionally diagnosed as of yet although he fits every single criteria to the “T”. 

     I’m sure there is some anger on my part but mostly I’m TIRED!  Tired of walking on glass, not knowing when the next words are going to blow up into an all-out attack.  There is no such thing as a disagreement with him, just an all-out war and do everything he can to hurt me!  (Then I’m supposed to forget it all as if it never happened!) Tired of taking care of the house, picking up, cleaning.  (Granted I could leave the food on the counter till he’s remembered hours later but with bug problems that isn’t the best option.)  Tired of me doing everything, paying whenever we go anywhere because he doesn’t want to lose his wallet so he doesn’t bring it, even though he's driving.  I do the bills, you name it. 

    Our kids are grown and we now have grandkids whom we love with all out hearts and frankly they are the best medicine for him but I am not well (lung tumors)  and am not supposed to be stressed. HAHA. I’m tired of being told I’m a liar because of trying to impress an older guy (my husband) when I was 16.  I admit I did stretch the truth and maybe told a few fibs back then but crap I’m 61 and still hearing about this!!  I’m tired of all of it!!  There is so much more that I am not putting, I know that sound trivial.  There's just so much!   I want to try to make it work, he says he’ll really try and he knows it’s all his fault.  That only lasts about 3-4 weeks and blows up again.  I’ve moved into the spare bedroom a few times to try to escape to silence. 

    The driving parts are so true!  He runs red lights because “no ones coming!”  Heaven forbid he has to wait for someone in traffic, he’ll go around.  Speed, pass oh yes.  After being in an accident with him (spending a week in hospital)  I now have to look at my phone or something because I am a nervous wreck when he’s driving!   I’m sorry, I know I’m rambling everything is just swirling around in my head.   It’s just nice to know that it’s not just me, this is all real and I'm not alone!

    I was up all night reading the ADHD Effect on Marriage.  I’m trying, praying,  I hope he will.  I just know I can’t take much more.

  • Dilemma in Separation by: browneyedgirl 5 years 5 months ago

    I don’t normal post to boards but I feel that I have no where to turn to. So, about a year ago I kicked my husband out of our house due to his anger issues, even though we had just started couples counseling, at the time I was upset and didn’t know what I was doing and just acting on pure emotion and adrenaline, we are both in our early 50's. And I didn’t know what type of emotional rollercoaster he was going on because at the time things were not going well for us both emotional and physically he knew that his job was going to be ending soon, he works at small organization that as of next month won’t exist, and I am a stay at home parent and getting help from my parents. Since separating almost a year ago and still not yet divorced he has gotten his own place and sees our two teen kids almost every day, does pickups drop-offs, cooks dinners, doctor’s appointments and tries to do as much as possible with them. I see he has been working on himself a lot through counseling, doesn’t smoke cigars or drinks anymore and I could see that he was really trying to better himself now, neither of us do drugs. He used to have anger issues which would explode and then 5 minutes later he was back to himself, he has apologized to all of us, which I am willing to accept and I know the kids miss him being here. Our younger child has ADHD and my husband has been helping him with the emotional ups and down of being a ‘tween boy with ADHD emotional issues with help through his counselor. But I lied to my friends, family, therapist, doctors and lawyers about the level of emotional and alcohol abuse and lack of intimacy but there were problems but not they, but not at the level I told everyone they were worst then what was reality. But now I am stuck in this lie that I cannot back out of, because without him having an income and the real possibility of me owning him in this divorce I could possibly lose my house. I keep telling myself that I would be better off without him but he has made himself indispensable in some situations especially now that he will be out of work at the end of the month. I also keep telling myself that the kids would be better off with him, but he keeps proving me wrong. My divorced friend tells me that being divorced is greatest freedom she ever had instead I am more exhausted without someone there to help in trying to keep the house clean, keeping food on the table and making sure the kids have their homework done and are dressed properly. I keep telling myself I don’t want to be married again, and keep telling myself that I have to be strong then our friends tell me that he still loves me, sigh and I can see he misses me. I often miss the physical warmth of him, his quirky sense of humor, the weird things he sometimes does, and now his new found devotion to our kids. Please help me solve this dilemma.

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