Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • 19 years of dealing with a man child by: greeneyes76 5 years 6 months ago

    I’ve followed this blog/community for a while...reading all of your posts,  trying to validate the things that I’ve been dealing with and I’ve found them all very helpful.  I’m starting to find my voice and this is my first attempt to tell someone what I’ve  been dealing with my husband for 19 years, married for 13 years on May 6th, and the last 10 years have been a train wreck.  When we first met we had all of the typical ADHAD hyper focus stuff. He made me feel like no other man had ever made me feel. I was his world. I was everything. And because no other man had made me feel that way I, being a nurturing person, had no issue with taking care of our household.  But as the years have waned on things have progressively gotten worse.  After several years of marriage we decided that it was time to have children.    At the time I was 36 so the potential for conceiving and possible miscarriage weighed heavily on me.  We were able to conceive but that ultimately lead to a devastating miscarriage.  I was broken!  He showed me no support.  And then he proceed to have an affair that I found out about a year later.  During his affair, I’m not going to lie I drank a lot, but he also gaslighted me. He insisted the I was the problem with our marriage.   All the while he was cheating on me.   After I found out about his affair and confronted him about it he insisted that it was only online and that he had no physical contact with her.  A fact I still don’t believe.  We were in counseling for two years and that is when our therapist suggested he has ADHD. He went to his primary care doc and was prescribed Adoral.  On the occasion that he remembers to take it things are better than when he doesn’t.  I probably should have left him years ago but I love the guy.  But, as I get older...I’m now 43, I’m starting to think that I deserve better.  He has systematically, over the years, separated me from the people who meant something to me.  The people who remember the strong woman I used to be. I am a broken woman. I want my marriage to work. But I also can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life.  

    So, what I guess I’m looking for is anyone who can relate.  Anyone who can maybe shed some light on what I am supposed to do.  

  • My husband just called and told me his boss just fired him by: daizzebelle 5 years 6 months ago

    I'm not surprised. Life sucks sometimes.

  • Tiny progress and huge setbacks...why did i wait sooooo long by: Feeling ADDefeated 5 years 7 months ago

     

    I'm 40, and I was only diagnosed two weeks ago after our couples therapist (literally in our 2nd session, it was wild), suggested I get tested.  It was the absolute first time anyone had even mentioned this as a possibility.  Of course looking back it makes sense (sound familiar?)

    I saw this as the "good diagnosis" so many of you all have talked about...finally it was the --potential-- answer to a lot of the issues we had been having around communication, dependability, etc.  As I've read more about couples in this situation (From Melissa's books as well as GIna Pera's) we are in the same exact spot and fell in the same exact traps as so many who start this journey.   When my nose is in those books, I'm filled with hope and optimism when i'm usually filled with dread and frustration and fear.  Even Melissa's own story very much mirrors our own.

    I've thrown myself into my ADD (inattentive), and given myself over to treatments including making therapy and medication (Wellbutrin, so it's not really kicked in yet) and trying (I think successfully) to start other good habits such as reminders and alarms.

    I literally had no idea until 30 days ago that I was NOT a smart, yet chronic underachiever who just had keep trying that little bit harder for elusive gains in organization and dependability.

    The massive issue, and difference between the couples in the books and us is that, even though the first few days after diagnosis were good for us as we joked and talked about it, my wife is now so angry that I waited so long to talk to a mental health professional that she isn't sure she can even start the process with me.  So it's not that I'm denying my ADHD or am hesitant to start treatments, it's that I waited about 2-3 years from the time she started urging me to see someone for my failing confidence (after our 2nd baby and things really started feeling overwhelming), to the time that I actually went.  FWIW I have talked to a therapist for the past YEAR, but even he missed this diagnosis!  

    The thing is, i don't know why i waited so long either.  It sounds so dumb in hindsight, but I really don't know.  I guess I just always thought I was so close to being 'good' that it seemed like too big or drastic of a step to take. 

    From everything in the books, it's a two person committed journey.  I know she may be in the grieving phase (and our therapist last night in our follow-up suggested she needs to grieve for the relationship she thought she was getting), but we left our session last night with the task to actually give each other space to work out our issues...for me to start to get a handle on my ADHD in daily life, and for her to work through being angry at me and grieving and then figure out if she wants to start this rebuilding process.

    So now I want her to be on this journey so badly and I just have to wait and endure this time where I know my wife is SO angry with me and she grieves and I'm not even sure that at the end of it I'll have a partner ready to go on this road to recovery.  Our therapist suggested specfically NOT talking about our issues for the next few weeks, but the only thing i want to do is show her the books, the underlined passages, the part specifically about grieving and tips and how it helps and the hope and optimism.  

    How will I get through these few weeks (while also working on my own steps forward)...and what if the reward for doing so is a spouse and best friend unwilling to be with me?

    why why why did i wait so long and at this point how can I show her it wasn't because i didn't care?!?!

  • Procastination and staying on task by: daizzebelle 5 years 7 months ago

    Saw something in the New York Times that could help with these issues: www.Focusmate.com

    I haven't tried it but it sounds good. It's free and sessions are unlimited. You need a computer with a camera. You sign up, get matched with a virtual co-worker, and you schedule a 50 minute work session. Having a virtual co-worker counting on you at a certain time helps you get started and stay on task. Sounds cool.

     

  • My Wish... by: AdeleS6845 5 years 7 months ago

    Is that more people with ADHD/ADD would read and post on these forums on this site.

    I read some of the posts to my BF yesterday, and he thinks some of the behavior that  ADHD partners exhibit is ridiculous, and in his mind have nothing to do with ADHD.  Perhaps his ADHD is not severe, as I am sure there are varying levels of ADHD.  Once he learned strategies and coping mechanisms from his behavioral therapist, he found that his life was made easier through routines and schedules.  

    That said, it would be very helpful to have input from more than a few men and women with ADHD.  Being that this is my first relationship with a man with ADHD, I don't know which behaviors are ADHD related and which are not.

     

  • Individuality....VS....Unity in marriage..... by: c ur self 5 years 7 months ago

    Can a person keep their Individuality, and still be responsible to their commitment as a spouse?....You can find many differing opinions on this particular subject....My thoughts on this subject is Yes....But! (Big But)....Any one who say's (or lives it out)  their individualism is a reason to not discipline their lives toward unity in the relationship, don't want a unified relationship....They want their way (Selfishness)....

    There are many things that hinder our relationships, (add/adhd can be one of those things, when used as an excuse) but, nothing I've experienced is a bigger hindrance, than a life mate who excuses themselves selfishly...What does a healthy marriages take?? How do we get there?? A desire for unity, love and sharing that is bigger than our own personal desires and self interests?? Two committed people who do not make excuses for not disciplining their lives?? Is it OK to say I don't want to spend time with my children?? (meals, baths, home work, play, discipline) Is it OK to make these kind of statements to my spouse?? (You should have found out who you were marrying!!) OR (That's just who I am!!) There is one thing many counselors agree on....Selfishness is the biggest hindrance to our relationships.....

    I have found out in my own marriage, and in my own life, that I need to be careful about identifying ***my wife's problems*** She has them, and so do I....But, I've learned (through much pain and sin against her) that I can't say anything to change her....I can say some things that make it worse LOL....A lot worse!....I can do some things that help...But those things aren't manipulative in nature....They are simply just never enabling or mothering, being quiet, letting her watch her husband hopefully be calm, patient  and live peacefully, no matter what's going on with her. (Acceptance). When I do speak, speak love and kindness, and never expect a reply...(Just be what I want)

    The truth is...(IMO of course) Many of us, including me, really do not think we have any type of an A typical marriage....And again, just my opinion, but, we probably never will, with our present spouses....But I also think that is OK, I don't think it gives me an excuse to not do the work of the marriage that I vowed to do... No, my happiness isn't her responsibility as much as I would like to blame it on her at times....

    IMO and experience what keeps a dysfunctional living spouse (one who excuses selfishness and irresponsibility) happy and thriving in their present lives, is comfort....Comfort??? Yes comfort....My spouse has a mind that is dominated by many interests...Our marriage use to be the least of these...(Saw the responsibility of it as a ball and chain)...It's definitely still her reality in many ways, but, she has improved quiet a bit over the past year or two...Why? When I quit complaining, when I quietly just started living my life....When I wasn't setting here just waiting for her to take time for me (put me on her schedule) she got uncomfortable....I can accept my wife, and I can be a positive and loving husband...But, when she puts people places and things ahead of our marital relationship (to busy for us) my life doesn't go on hold any longer....It use to, because that is what my late wife of thirty years and I had...So I was stuck in a mind-set that said...****Marriage means two**** So all pointing that out for years did was create arguments and hurt feelings for both of us.....

    Are you making it easy for your spouse to not confront themselves about their behaviors?? Are you keeping them comfortable, by allowing your life to be dominated by their life styles? Enabling? Mothering? Let them watch you live the life you would want for the two you....Don't get old with a lot of regrets....You can love and be faithful to your spouse, and still enjoy your own life....It will shock them, but, when it does, don't allow their false sense of lost control cause guilt in you....My wife goes and does, and does w/o out much more than a text, and that is just some times...If she can't put her finger on me....The questions start....Where were you when I got up?...Who were you with?...What were you doing?....I never play games....I give her kind answers....But I also may say...Hey what is up w/ the third degree....I don't know where you are, much of the time....Yep....When they see we have a happy life, with OR without them...They might re-think their life styles....Hmmm...not so comfortable, with my spouse living like I do....LOL....

    c 

  • So this came up again last night by: daizzebelle 5 years 7 months ago

    in conversation re: when I feel hurt by him how do we resolve that.  I want to talk about it. He wants to forget that it ever happened. Actually he does forget bc as he often tells me Time for him is Now or Not Now. Nothing else exists. Whereas I remember every detail and if it is emotionally intense I remember it very vividly. This is a long standing intense conflict for us. Once again I found myself thinking that my ADD husband just isn't capable of imagining what it is like to be married to him and it is not possible for him to imagine my feelings. He believes that I am hurting and he is apologetic but he seems truly unable to imagine how he would feel if he were me. Is this typical for people with ADD? It feels like a lack of empathy which makes me nervous bc I have a history of abuse by a 1st husband who has no empathy no remorse and no conscience. So I freely admit that I am extra sensitive about this. Yet. as an empath it is so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of being unable to imagine how it would feel to experience another person's pain. I asked my husband how he would feel if I hurt him the way he hurt me. He was silent for a long time. I asked him to put himself in my shoes. He said he guessed he would probably feel hurt but he wasn't sure. He sounded almost a bit bewildered by the idea of trying to imagine what I was feeling.

  • Feeling hollow by: daizzebelle 5 years 7 months ago

    I feel empty. I've invested and invested in him, I've invested and invested in trying to make our relationship better. I've invested time, love, money, and energy. He hasn't.

    Our latest conflict is the same old familiar pattern. He does something that hurts me.  I remind him how much it hurt me last time and ask why in the world he would do that again when he knows how much it hurts me. He is silent. I get angrier and angrier. Finally I break into tears and say when will I learn to stop hoping that he will remember. When will I learn that expecting him to behave differently only leads to me feeling disappointed. I am very sad. I don't see any way forward for me. I think he would be content to stay together this way for a long time. I guess I would too if I were him. I make all the plans. I make all the decisions. He has no responsibilities other than his job, paying the rent and the car payment and taking the trash out. I don't expect anything else of him. I pay every other bill. I anticipate needs and expenses and I take care of them ($$ for school trips, school supplies, new shoes, birthday presents, birthday celebrations, family vacations,  Halloween costumes, Christmas. I do everything for Christmas. All the gift selection and purchases for our children, parents, siblings, and extended family.  All the cards. All the baking. All the cooking. All the decorating.) I plan everything. I do the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and clean up. I do the laundry. I clean the apartment. I arrange all of the child care. I schedule all of the children's appointments and activities. I make sure everyone gets to where they need to be. Whenever there is a change in the schedule, I remind him over and over again. Otherwise he forgets and the children end up stranded somewhere. I have tried and tried over and over again to assign small tasks to him. He doesn't do them and I have learned that I feel resentful when he still hasn't done them after multiple reminders. 

    It's less stressful if I do it myself. When I feel like his mother, it kills my interest in sex. So I'd rather do it myself than nag him. I get the mail bc he forgets every time and the mailbox gets overstuffed and I don't get important info on time. Like bills. Changes to our healthcare. I call maintenance when the ceiling leaks, the microwave stops working or the tub isn't draining. I schedule the car maintenance and take the cars in when they need oil changes or a tire is losing pressure. I do our taxes. It would take him at least 3 months to get it even halfway done and there would be multiple errors. The last time he did the taxes there were so many mistakes and problems we ended up owing the state and the IRS over $8,000. I cashed out my retirement because we did not have thousands of dollars lying around and we had to to pay the bills to avoid paying mega mega high interest. He feels extremely anxious about making phone calls so he won't call to schedule anything. He also finds it impossible to work out all of the details involved whenever there is a wrinkle such as one of our cars is in the shop and how will we get the girls to school on time or to choir practice or youth group. He won't ask anyone to give the girls a ride. He hates to ask for favors and he hates talking on the phone. So I do it. He hates conflict and avoids it at all cost. He hates discussing anything that is likely to bring up strong emotions. When my mother in law died he wanted to wait to tell the children until we were in the car on the way to the funeral. I said Absolutely Not. He complains often about how stressful life is with his "messed up brain." But he won't use the system developed for him by his coach. It was effective when he used it consistently. He said it's too time consuming. I think it would actually save him tons of time. Without it he can't remember anything and he can't find anything. I used to work full time as a mental health and disability rights avocate and prior to that I worked with disabled babies and their families and before that I was a special ed teacher. I've helped many many adult and child clients and before that babies and children with autism, CP, Down syndrome, ADHD, auditory processing problems, dyslexia, dyscalculia, language processing problems, written expression, reading and comprehension problems. Adults and children with visual impairments, hearing impairments, cognitively impaired, explosive behavior, defiant behavior, mental health diagnoses. Children in foster care. Children with one or both parents in jail. Children whose relatives stole everything from them so they could buy drugs. Adults in long term psychiatric facilities. Forensic patients. Adults under the guardianship of APS. Children in long term residential treatment. I had a client with Prader Willi syndrome. I am skilled. I am experienced. I am patient. I am very, very persistent. I am worn out by my husband's limitations. He leaves food out to spoil on the counter. He leaves the front door unlocked. All night. he leaves the freezer door cracked. The food defrost and spoils. He leaves the refrigerator door cracked. I have to toss everything. He leaves every cabinet door open in the kitchen and the bathroom. If he ruins something or breaks something he doesn't replace it. He left his lava lamp on my desk. It leaked. I asked him to sand it down and refinish it. He didn't. He broke a huge picture frame. I asked him to buy another one. He didn't. He scratched up my favorite CD by leaving it in his car out of the case. He broke the blender, the toaster, the food processor, the toaster oven. Our salad plates kept cracking and I asked him to please stop putting them in the microwave. He didn't and they all cracked and now we have no salad plates. He broke my vintage dishware and my favorite mugs. Didn't replace anything. I asked him to stop doing laundry bc he forgets to put the soap in and then he leaves the wet clothes in the washer for days and they grow mildew. It's easier to do all of the laundry myself than to rewash every load that he puts in. Years ago our daughter needed to see a specialist for a skin issue. I asked him to take care of it. I didn't think it was a huge task. I was working 3 jobs. I left home at 5:30 am and didn't get home til 8 pm. He was home all day. The girls were in school from 7:45 to 2:30. I felt sure he had enough time to do it and I also thought that he could overcome his resistance to making phone calls and take care of this one thing. After 4 months he still hadn't gotten her an appointment. He can't remember shit. I can't forget anything. Not a good match. He makes me laugh and he's an amazing lover. He is my younger daughter's father and she adores him. He adores her. It breaks my heart. I can't do this anymore.
  • Effect of ADHD diagnosis: positive, negative, or neutral? by: PoisonIvy 5 years 7 months ago

    My ex-husband was diagnosed at about age 53. Initially, he seemed enchanted by the diagnosis, but that dissipated.  He seemed to like taking the medications; he was okay with talk therapy; he put very little effort into making behavior changes other than taking the medications.  So I would say the diagnosis at best had a neutral effect and at worst, was negative.  How about you? Feel free to respond whether you're a "non" or a person with ADHD.  Thanks.

     

  • Why? by: repeat that please 5 years 7 months ago

    I feel strongly about helping ADHDers and those who care about them. Why? Because we are not monsters. Because I wasn't a monster. Not at the beginning of my voyage, at least, I was the opposite of a self-centered, aggressive, unpleasant, demanding, hate-filled, trouble maker.  But no one knew that--except for one friend I made in the fifth grade.*  TRAITS we often share in common are BIG HEARTEDNESS. SENSITIVITY. GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT. I ached to have my folks "get it." They were so highly educated, if they believed I was no good, I had to be no good. At the same time some dying voice inside reminded me that I was not who they thought I was. It tormented me. "If they only knew me!" I thought.

     

    * We were playing a game called 4-square during recess. Instead of slamming the ball into a weaker player's square, I gently guided the ball to ensure the player could handle it and stay in the game. He saw me doing that and wanted to be friends. We just spoke on the phone. We remain good friends 55 years later. 

    That brings up emotions. Whenever I'm reminded on some deeper level that I wasn't all bad, it brings tears to my eyes.

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