Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Thankful to have found this community - feeling lost and alone by: bishopsh 5 years 4 months ago

    This is my first time posting and I'm thankful to have found this community. I need help!! My husband of almost 20 years was diagnosed last year with ADHD at age 41. While it has certainly shed some light on some of our marital issues over the years I am having a hard time "accepting and understanding him" for what he is. We were college sweethearts and married young at 22, had our first daughter at 24 and went on to have 2 more boys. Kids are now 18, 14, and 11 and both my 18 YO daughter and 11 YO son were diagnosed in the last couple of years with ADHD as well. It was their diagnoses that prompted my husband to get formally tested. He is a good man, and I know he loves me, but it is so hard functioning in a family with 3 ADHD'ers. My husband (as well as children) are on medication and involved in therapy but I don't see a big difference. I suppose it's worse when they forget to take their medication but our daily lives haven't improved much. If I'm honest with myself I know that I am very resentful of my husband, have lost a lot of love for him and am mourning the life and marriage I could have had.

    I am very type A and a go-getter and have anxiety so my daily life is a struggle living with this chaos - and makes it extremely difficult for me to accept and give my husband the benefit of the doubt. My husband now owns a pretty successful business but relies a lot on us to help him with it. He has always struggled with holding down a regular job, he gets frustrated easily and has anger management issues, and is very disorganized - leaving a trail everywhere in our home (along with our children). Like many others have mentioned, 90% of the time travel and plans get messed up or aren't any fun because of his moods. He creates a lot of chaos around him and is also very accident prone. While he is a good father to our kids, I truly feel that being married to him is like having a 4th child, and I'm at my wits end.

    I love him and don't want our family to break up. But I know in my heart if it weren't for my kids I would have been gone a long time ago. Somewhere along the way I have lost myself being married to him, and now I worry even more for my kids futures (and their future relationships) because of their own issues with ADHD. I am depressed, unhappy, and unfulfilled and while I want to be supportive, I don't know how I can ever be OK with living this life. It adds so much to my already anxious mental health and I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest on a daily basis. The house is in constant chaos, and we fight on a daily basis. If we're not fighting I'm walking on eggshells and that's no way to live.

    Nearly 4 years ago I had an affair and I struggle with this guilt as well - I wasn't raised to believe that was every OK and it's something I NEVER thought I would do. I was honest with my husband and he has been very forgiving and gracious and I am thankful for that. This was before his diagnoses and I know no matter what I have myself to blame for the indiscretion. I have just been so unhappy for so long. As you can imagine this just adds to our laundry list of other issues. My husband also had an absent father and he struggles with this childhood trauma as well - this has had it's own affect on our relationship.

    There are days I fantasize about a life where we are divorced and I live on my own without the anger and chaos. But then I think about how it will affect my kids. And having 2 with ADHD also, I worry they will think I am rejecting them as well by rejecting their father. We are in therapy (we have done both individual and couples) but I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know in my heart the only way to be content in this marriage is to change myself and how I react to his condition. But I feel so resentful in having to do that. His burdens have become mine and in turn I'm so unhappy.I'm just lost as to what to do.

    Thank you all for reading with an open mind. It helps just to be able to write this.

     

     

  • Dare to make a scene by: jennalemone 5 years 4 months ago

    I had stopped daring to make a scene.  I would stuff, deny, shut-up about anything and anybody.  H would lie in front of me and I would "let it go". H would forget a promise, say mean words, slam things, tease me, make me the butt of his jokes....I would ignore, pass off, pretend he hadn't.  I did not have a mentor/model on how to respond without going to that "nasty" place myself.  I had not wanted to be a loud, yelling, in-your-face person.  I don't like to live like life and love were a sparring event.  So, how does a person hold their own ground with grace and peace and love?  

    Tho I haven't made many scenes, those that I recall were some of my best moments.  My contribution to my marriage's failure is that I did not want to make a scene.  I must have been boring and seemed inconsequential to H all these years for him to treat me with so little respect and carelessness.  I did not realize it but I know it now, that H would have better paired with a screaming, yelling, demanding verbal sparring partner.  I still don't want to be that person or put my thoughts and efforts into bickering.  

    So, anyone have a model in their lives who are articulate and able to command respect with love? I have not had that mentor/model.  But I would like to be that model for my kids and grandkids.  Mostly I have been a model in how to "take it on the chin" and "turn the other cheek"...yuk.

    One thing I learned is to not be afraid to make a scene.  Have that conversation at the time immediately when those words need to be heard.  Don't be afraid someone will think you are a nag or bossy or un-nice.  You don't need to be loud, but bad behavior needs to be called out right away.  Even if it is to say the rude person's name back to them with an incredulous tone.  Bad behavior just can't be ignored.  

    I knew this when we were first married and I was not afraid to make a scene when needed.  But I let myself be spoken down by words I didn't want to hear from a husband.  H would want to win rather than discuss or debate.  I couldn't bear the mean/cussing words or the sarcasm.  I didn't want that to be part of my married life.  Well,  that was wrong.  

    Now I have to build up my verbal abilities and not be afraid to call out rude and bad behavior.  Make a scene, if necessary.

  • Parenting or Not? by: Surrounded 5 years 4 months ago

    It is 10pm. My husband and I are supposed to go on vacation in the morning. We have strict dietary needs and while I arranged accommodations and activities, he was supposed to look into restaurants. He has not done this yet. I don't want to be stuck without food. If I make the calls at this point is that parenting behavior? How would you handle this?

  • Husband undiagnosed and very emotionally abusive by: scaredandalone 5 years 4 months ago

    I am fairly certain my husband has undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. I could explain all the valid reasons why, but please trust me.

    I am also currently going through IVF and have just had my second chemical pregnancy (an early miscarriage)

    This is a very hard time for me needless to say. My husband has been unsupportive and downright emotionally abusive. I don't know what to do. He has said for months he agrees that he has a problem and will seek help, but he hasn't. Oftentimes he'll say he doesn't actually have a problem. Other times he'll say he is the worst person and get extremely down on himself and leave me, crying and scared. He did that today, and I literally just found out about my 2nd chemical pregnancy.  I am grieving and dealing with that.

    I don't know why I am posting. I am very scared and alone and don't know what to do.

  • Living our own lives by: jennalemone 5 years 5 months ago

    If the path before you isn’t clear, you’re probably on someone else’s. – Joseph Campbell

    I was always a "good girl".  At least in my mind.  I tried to be a good girl with my parents, in school....with the world.  I needed permission/direction from other people for what to do.  I didn't trust my heart or my needs...I looked for validation and was afraid of making mistakes, or offending someone, or seeming selfish. I even believed that if I followed the rules/laws/people in charge that I was strong in doing what was best because I believed laws were good. You know what happened?  I made mistakes...because that is what being human is. Not everything that we are taught are good laws or good for us.  I offended ME. I wasn't selfish...to the extreme --- I wasn't a whole person. I was not living my life in tune with my own heart and soul.  If I had listened to my own self, I would have been more valuable to family, community and to myself. I would have been truer to who I really am.  Trying to be a "good girl" kept me from living authentically.  I have been a child who has been blown by winds outside of myself thinking I was being strong but I was also being weak in character because I looked outside of myself for who/how to be. 

    I am trying, at this old age, to BE ME.  So that I can feel more joyful and spread that joy and faith into the world.  And now encouraging others and my children to give themselves permission to be themselves and make their own mistakes and judgments.

    This means I am taking my hyper focus off what/who was making me a victim in my own life...my marriage and my husband....and putting my focus more on WHO I AM and who I want to be. Lately I have been letting my H just be who he is (and letting myself not like him as he is - as I am becoming sadly more aware.)  I am working on showing up as me and not trying to change him.  That, for me, means talking and directing less right now as I just reflect and accept.  I am seeming more quiet and meek these days but inside I am finding better footage and saying fewer things "off the cuff" in emotion.  I am talking to H less and talking to my children more (as an adult).

    I am ashamed of how I kept doing things I really didn't want to do throughout my younger life --- but I thought I HAD to.  But as I reflect, I realize I was taught and conditioned to do what others told me to do long ago from by parents, culture, feminine expectations.  And then I was resentful because I was doing things I really didn't want to do. 

    Hopefully I will learn how to stop "playing small" and listen to the words... "to thine own self be true". Thanks for sharing my journey of arrested development.  Hopefully, I will be a "real girl" eventually.

     

  • Drained mom of ADD son and husband by: wifeandmomofadd 5 years 5 months ago

    I just discovered this forum after reading the book. After struggling for 20+ yrs in marriage and raising my son with ADD, I'm really really worn out!  Many days I just want to run away and start over. Things came to a head last fall when my husband forgot our anniversary.  In counseling, a lot of attention has been on my tendency to feel lonely and insecure, as a result of childhood experiences, but I have had this nagging feeling like we weren't getting at the real issues.  My therapist recommended this book to me, and OMG, this is my life!  It described my experience in my marriage so well.  My husband has many wonderful qualities, but he really lacks follow-through and forgets a lot.  Over the years he has improved his ability to pay attention to me when we are talking, but it waxes and wanes. He doesn't have a formal ADD diagnosis, but I;m hoping he will seek one out in the near future. 

    I am the mother of 3 kids.  My teenage son has ADD and is taking medication for it.  He's really struggling emotionally and academically though, so we are thinking of changing that up and I'd love to see him embrace more strategies to help him stay organized, but he is always very resistant .  My daughter has a lot of anxiety and is newly diagnosed with OCD.  Thankfully, my 3rd child is much easier to parent.  I've got a lot on my plate. 

    One thing I'm struggling with right now, and perhaps amplified after reading the book, is that I don't like myself right now and especially don't like the role I play in this family.  I feel like I'm always the stick in the mud, trying to keep it all together and everyone on track.  I am very worried for my son and daughter's future and have been trying so hard for years to help them and my efforts feel unappreciated and in vain. It is lonely being the worried parent while my husband says "it will all be fine".  Some days I really just want to give up and run away.  My husband has a more relaxed attitude, which means the kids respond better to him.  My daughter is literally pulling her hair out now, and my son was considering suicide, so I don't think this is the sort of thing that we can put off and ignore. I'm so tired of being the parent who does all the worrying, scheduling and planning. I realize now that I am angry and I am resentful.  Even when he is helping (at my direction), I feel resentful that I have to direct him, or I feel like I shouldn't have to be grateful because he should be doing it anyway.  I guess I am also resentful that he needs the ego stroking for doing what he should be doing anyhow and wouldn't be doing if I hadn't reminded him or alerted him to do it. I'm always resentful of the kids who are not trying to improve their situation and push away my attempts to help them. This really feels like a no win situation for me. I want to have my own life (think about me for a change and go back to work), but I worry that my family will fall apart if I let go of the reins.      

  • I'm so tired and overwhelmed by: jenivanton 5 years 5 months ago

    I'm new to this whole thing and my husband is not being treated. I dont think he thinks it's a problem but after my  counselor suggested he might have ADD which he had as a kid and he hates meds, but when researching ADD and marriage I'm like a lightbulb went off. The whole hyperfocus dating where I felt like a queen and now am soooooo lonely and so hopeless and just frickin overwhelmed. i have no idea where to start and I'm so over it. I know there's a person I loved somewhere in there but I'm tired and feel almost done. In addition to the ADD we also are dealing with a blended family. I don't know how to suggest to him that this is a big issue. I also may suspect that he might have slight (if possible) RSD. 

  • Working through acceptance by: workingonit 5 years 5 months ago

    I'm new here and finally got the courage to create an account and post.  I'm 33 and was diagnosed 3 years ago with ADHD-C.  I've been with my SO for 15 years now and this explained so many of our issues.  We have worked through a ton of our struggles but there is one struggle that I can't seem to get past.

    Acceptance.  Acceptance of my limitations.  

    For years we talked about the person I "could be"... and sometimes I can be her...I have days where I get everything done plus some, and live like a normal person... but I am having to accept there are days I cannot.  Some days I just can't do the things as fast or as good as we want.  Some days I just can't handle a conversation because it's just too much to pay attention and listen.  Lately we are planning a big change for our life and we are seeing all the little ways in which my ADHD holds us back (usually with delays in decision making) and I am feeling so much shame. So much guilt.  My SO is very supportive but of course is also having to accept that the person he thought I was (or could be) probably is not going to be who I am.  At least not 100% of the time. 

    I just feel so alone and so lost in these moments, where I have tried my best and I am seeing just how it's not good enough.  How I am not meeting his expectations.  How I am letting him down.  It breaks my heart to see him frustrated and know that I simply cannot change it.

    How do I deal with these emotions?  It's going to be something I deal with the rest of my life, and feeling depressed every single time I encounter a set back due to my ADHD is exhausting (emotionally and physically).  I don't know where to go from here, it feels like a cycle I'll repeat every time we want to move ahead in life, or make new changes, or do anything out of my comfort zone.  It is so hard to feel like an adequate partner when my SO has to do so much on his own in terms of decision making, research, etc. when wanting to improve our life.  

    Any advice is greatly appreciated, or even just to hear from someone else that I am not alone in feeling this way.  Thanks to all who read and share :)

  • Lingering effects of marriage to a person with ADHD by: PoisonIvy 5 years 5 months ago

    I'm sharing this here not because I expect advice but because I know that many of you will understand my experience.  

    I've been divorced for more than three years.  A significant reason for me to file for divorce was my desire to separate myself as much as possible from my now ex-husband's financial matters.  We live in a marital property state, and so our finances were even more tied together than most married couples' finances would be.  Well, here it is three years after the divorce, and I'm still under the shadow of my ex's "whatever":  I've discovered that he hasn't been filing tax returns and this failure to do so could still affect me for the year of the divorce.  I knew for many years (while we were married) about his desire to be a tax cheater so I took the necessary steps to protect myself while we were married.  But now that we're divorced, I can't do anything to ensure his compliance with the law. He said more than once that he didn't want to hurt me and that our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he has been referred to as a "saint" because he takes care of his aging parents, but I continue to feel cruddy because of the financial issues.  

    Thank you for letting me vent.

  • Less Tension by: repeat that please 5 years 5 months ago

    "Next time you disagree, I encourage you to overtly seek the ‘and’ in your conversation."

    I felt my body unclench itself reading your thoughts on this. Thanks

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