Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • How do you let go by: BIGREDDOG 5 years 6 months ago

    I have posted here several times recently. My wife has told me she wants a divorce for the third and I’m pretty sure the last time. Although I do not want a divorce it’s not my decision to make alone so I don’t see any way of stopping it. It hurts to admit it but what has ruined our marriage has come from me. When I put myself in her position I can understand why she wants out and I can’t blame her. She is fighting for her own life and just wants to save herself. The way she describes it is that she is shell shocked and needs space and time to herself. 

    I would love to be able to address all of the issues that I know I have and be the man she needs and wants but I know it’s gone on for far too long and too deep for that now. So as much as I really don’t want to accept this new reality I have to find a way. I know the most loving thing I can do is let her go and rebuild her life without me and the chaos my life brings. The problem is that I just don’t know how to do that. Every time I think about it I literally want to throw up. I can’t imagine a life without her in it. 

    So how do you let go of someone you love so much? I know it’s the right thing to do, but the pain is so great, how do you come to terms with it?

    If anyone has had to do the same, I would really like to know how you managed to get through it and live without you partner. And how long did it took before you wanted to live again?

     Thanks, 

  • One thing at a time by: jennalemone 5 years 6 months ago

    I have come to accept lots of things about my H that, in the past, I was not willing or able to see and accept.   My eyes are opening slowly as to how little my H is able (willing?) to handle.  I really have to stop expecting him to be able (willing?) to process more than one thought a day.  So, I have to be mindful to not bring up more than one subject a day. Then I must speak in shorts sentences and not too many at a time....or he will go into offense/defense mode. He seems to not need conversation or connection with another person at all unless he is ranting about the government. I must permit our relationship life to be so small that it feels like death to me.  And I just have to accept that and find community where I can because I need human connection.

  • RSD misdiagnosed as Bi-polar by: BIGREDDOG 5 years 6 months ago

    I’ve been on this site a lot lately because my ADHD and the lack of understanding and control of the symptoms has driven my wife to wanting a divorce yet again. I don’t blame her for how she feels and to be honest if I were in her shoes I would want out as well. She has endured a lot and is simply worn out by me. My hope and prayer is that if I can get a sold grip on my ADHD and a miracle from God that my marriage will be spared. 

    I have been digging deep and working on a well rounded plan to address all of the symptoms, habits, lifestyle, etc. I found a good psychologist, adjusting my diet, learning to use meditation and mindfulness, getting better sleep, stopped watching tv, reading a lot to better understand what I am dealing with, etc. 

    A few days ago I was poking around some of the other area on the site and found a section that Melissa had posted about RSD ( Rejection Sensitive Dysphasia ) and I nearly fell of my chair. The more I read the more that some of my issues and problems made sense. I was reading about myself and what felt like my life story.

    I am one of the minority that have known about my ADHD since I was ten years old, forty five years ago. Unfortunately my father didn’t want me to take Ritalin because it supposedly stunts your growth. (Thanks doc for telling him that) So I went unmediated for most of my life. Thanks only to my wife I finally went to a psychiatrist ten years ago and was diagnosed as bipolar 2 and ADHD (which I already knew) as a result I was prescribed Adderall for the ADHD and Lamictal for the bipolar. 

    I have never felt I was bipolar, I never felt overly manic. I have a couple friends that are bipolar and when they get manic it’s very apparent, they are bouncing off the walls. So I spoke with my current psychiatrist about it on the phone and he seems to think that I am correct and wants to meet and explore this further. If what I think to be going on with me is true it will be a game changer for me. I’m not foolish enough to think it’s the magic bullet that will fix all my problems but it will be one big piece of the puzzle. So with some luck I am one step closer to being a better and happier person. 

    C

     

  • I think I should change my user name to by: daizzebelle 5 years 6 months ago

    Perpetually Frustrated lol ;)

    So...once again I am beyond frustrated. Just completely exasperated. H and I agreed in Jan. that we would move out of our apartment 6 weeks from now and rent a house. We gave notice to the manager 2 mos ago. Yesterday I got an email from the apt manager that said please confirm that you are staying on month to month. I asked  H what was up and he said he is not ready to move and he needs an extra month to get everything packed up. I said well how do we save up enough money for a deposit and 1st month's rent to rent a house if we stay on here for another month. He said he didn't know. I said what is the plan. He said I don't know. I told him I cannot live like this anymore. It is wearing me out. I do 90% of the grunt work and 100% of the planning and implementing and following up work for us. I'm not doing it anymore. It isn't fair to me. I told him  he needs to step up and take on half of the load. He says he wants to try taking Melissa's seminar again. I said why? Why should I pay for that again when you didn't participate last time?? More importantly why should I get my hopes up again???

  • ADHD and rigid thinking by: Brindle 5 years 6 months ago

    How much is rigid, inflexible thinking a part of your ADHD partner’s life?  

    Rigidity in ideas plus the quick-to-judgment reflex and an impatience/intolerance for thinking things through thoroughly... those are what I see here, and wow.  This is one area that threatens to kill our relationship in more and more ways.  

    I’ve observed that rigidity causes the most trouble for him in the relating to others, rather than habits or perfectionism. 

    What about your ADHD partner?  How does that rigidity affect your marriage?  If you are divorced or separated, did rigidity in any way play a role in the demise of your relationship?

  • About to cross the crossroads by: Nini Rain 5 years 6 months ago

    Hi,

    I am new to online communities and new to living with a partner with ADHD; obviously I am in a crisis moment. 

    My partner of over 13 years was diagnosed with adult ADHD last summer and began medication after we had a three month separation. He started with a counselor but gave up because he did not have the time to do the work.  We have two boys aged 4 and 12 and well after reading some of the posts here I guess I don't have it that bad.  My partner picks up the 4 year old and makes dinner every night, he does laundry, can grocery shop (although never looks at prices and buys a tone of junk not on the list), cleans and takes care of  the house and is able to work full time at a good job.  He is French and I am English and when we met we could not communicate and now most of our communication is in english which I know can be very hard for him.  He has been trying for the last  8 months to please me and I have shut him out which resulted in him leaving 2 months ago. After he left I found empty alcohol bottles hidden all over his room as we were sleeping in separate rooms the last month. 

    I have read Is it you me or Adult ADHD and I am in the first third of The ADHD effect on Marriage. I do not know if my marriage is worth saving or if it can be saved or even if my partner or I want to save it.

    He is putting the blame on me as I am very angry and yell at him all the time he says that he lives in a state of fear and I get it, I do all those things.  I also do all the planning, take care of all financial decisions (including all of the accounting for my partner's business), dentists, doctors, school items everything  that is not included in the tasks above. I also make most of the money, live in a half renovated home (that he wanted and was going to renovate but it is not done because I have not done the plans).

    I am in a city where I have one friend and no family. I have a great job that I love and get wonderful satisfaction from  but it also requires me to work 12 hour days and some weekends as I am in a high level managerial position in a large company. I feel guilty because I have put my career before my partner but honestly it was because I was in crisis mode at work for the last 4 months and had to do a lot of work to make deadlines etc. and my partner just kept asking for my attention and love and I just did not have the time or energy to do it.  I tried to explain but he just didn't get it so now he has left me and the children.

    I have made an appointment to get professional help.

    All my partner wants is for me to lower my expectations and to show my love and appreciation for him.  He deserves this. He deserves to feel love as do I.

    I do not know if I can give this after 13 years of managing the home and falling into almost every trend that I have so far read in the ADHD effect on marriage. I am his mother, I am no longer interested in sex and I am so tired, I nag, I yell I do anything I need to do to get the job done.  I am tired of working so hard with nothing to show for it. I went back to school when my oldest son was one and I worked really hard and got a undergrad then a masters certificate all while my partner was financially supporting the family.  Then I got the career I wanted, we had another baby, saved for a home, bought the home he wanted in the neighborhood he wanted. If we divorce we lose everything that we worked on together and start at the beginning as all of this happened in the last 7-8 years. I know I will be ok in the long run, I set up my life so that I could do it without a partner as I believe that this is an unfortunate reality but I worry about what will happen to my partner, the father of my children.

    I want a partner who will ask me how my day was and listen.  A partner who will not constantly interrupt me.  A partner who will do shows of love and appreciation for things that I actually want or am interested in rather than things that he wants to do that also benefit me.  Ie. Making the family a breakfast that I don't like (fatty foods) but then leaving the mess for me to clean up as he goes off to the next thing on his list.  I want a partner who will plan in advance so that I am not stuck having to do it all,  I want a partner who can have empathy and actually understand how much stress I deal with on and off the job.

    Interesting enough I can mange all of this as I have been doing the single mom bit for 2 months and I don't yell anymore and my house is cleaner and I am happier and I know it is because my partner is the straw that breaks the camels back.

    Has anyone is this group had success of being in a relationship and working out the issues so that you could have a healthy and functioning relationship?

    I am willing to work on it if it could lead to results but if not then I am giving up and moving on to a happier life. Regardless of working on my marriage I will be working on myself as I am not happy with the way that I am or the person I have become.

    I just want to be happy.

     

     

     

     

     

  • She’s gone for good this time by: BIGREDDOG 5 years 6 months ago

    my wife told me last night that she want a divorce, she’s done. 

    My heart is broken and I’m bleeding out, the devastation and sense of loss I’m feeling is so painful I want to crawl into a hole and die.

    I love her with all my heart, she is my world and I’m completely crushed. I take the medication, I read the books, I try very hard to control my ADHD but over our seventeen year marriage all the little things have piled up into one giant pile until she got so worn down that she wants out at any cost. I understand, if I was in her shoes I would want to get away from me as well. But that doesn’t stop the agony I’m feeling from losing her.

    I do not deny any of the symptoms that affect our marriage. I know they are there and I’m willing to do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to change my ways and save our marriage. Like I said, she is my world and I want to grow old with her and take care of her for the rest of our lives. 

    This is the third time she has said she wants a divorce and I don’t know if I can stop it this time. I know that I have to try my hardest and give it everything I have to earn her love and respect back. 

     

     

  • Taking responsibility by: daizzebelle 5 years 6 months ago

    Was sayingto H last night that when I say "You hurt me deeply. I am hurting." It is not ok for him to argue with me about whether or not I have the right to feel hurt. It is also not ok to blame me for something he chose to do. It is also not ok to say it's not that big of a deal. I told him that as my husband if I feel hurt he needs to own his behavior. Found this info about the 4 denials of responsibility and it is on point. Posting in case it's helpful to someone else.

    http://billherring.com/article/four-denials-responsibility

  • Soooo frustrated by: daizzebelle 5 years 6 months ago

    DH says now that he is using a calendar again he feels like a drunk who was on a binge but is now going straight. Makes me want to scream and pull all my hair out. 

    He says he can't fix everything overnight. I agree. But he had a system that worked and *he* decided to stop using it bc it was "boring". 

    I am beyond frustrated and I am so angry at him for not using the tools that he was offered 3 years ago. It is not my fault that he chose not to do the work. 

    Speaking of which he said yesterday that he could have held onto his job if he had asked his mentor for help. He says he didn't think he needed more help but now he sees that he did. AGGHHH

    This is too little too late for me. I have been very patient, very persistent, and very understanding. I am all out of patience, persistence, and understanding after 3 years of asking then pleading then begging him to use his calendar and to implement the skills we learned in Melissa's seminar. 

    On top of everything else he saw his psychiatrist yesterday but didn't tell him that he was feeling depressed!! I asked him what they discussed and he said that his psychiatrist said he was sorry to hear that he had been fired but that was something DH needed to talk about with his therapist. I said well I thought your therapist wanted you to see your psychiatrist for an eval for depression. He said yes my therapist did a screening for depression last week when I saw her and she thinks I am way more depressed now than I was the last time I saw her. I said then why didn't you tell your psychiatrist that??? Then I said you know what, forget it, it is not my job to micromanage what you discuss with your psychiatrist. It is up to you. Your life is up to you. I.am.done. 

     

  • So so tired... by: teary lucy 5 years 6 months ago

    I am just tired, sorry but needed to vent. 

    My husband said he would have ADHD since his son was diagnosed. He was just like his son when he was a kid. We have tried counseling/treatment, took Dr Thomas Brown's test but the result was, he didn't have it. He was surprised about it though. We didn't know this test takes a patient's word, not family member or friends who are close to him/her. The doctor had some serious health issues, closed his clinic. End of the treatment.

    The biggest issue I have is his abusive behavior. He is verbally abusive, has got physically abusive too. He says things are not true about me and this makes me so angry. Often times I can't hold but yell him back. Then he yells me back more and says "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!", goes to his room and close a door. When he got physical, I called 911 but I regretted it. Once police involved, people who I have never met were discussing about our issue. I had very hard time to contact my domestic violent advocate or police officer, not being able to know what was happening or what was going to happen clearly. I felt helpless/hopeless. After that, I stuff to myself even more. I feel I am more frustrated, irritated and angry. Then once things get smooth, which means I am the one to break the ice, his nice personality comes back but it doesn't last long.

    We had an argument recently again, we didn't talk for 6 days, I broke the ice again. We had nice Friday and Saturday but last night, he became irritated because I couldn't tell who that was on the TV screen. He asked me if I knew that guy but I didn't, plus I was doing something else with my laptop. He gets irritated when he doesn't get my full attention. He doesn't give me his attention often times though. I get ignored often.

    I probably just leave and get a divorce since I am complaining instead of being positive or trying to make some changes. I used to be like that but I am so so so tired being put down constantly. I wish I have energy to leave.  Or at least I could have someone to talk without being judged. I feel like I stuffed inside too much, I became so heavy and tired.

    Appreciate you are reading what I have in me now. Thank you so much.

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