When you converse with one of us, and in response to something you've said, we begin to work on a task, probably impulsively, it is difficult for us to shift our attention back into an ordinary kind of conversation. This raises the issue of the facets of this disorder. Paying attention involves more than zooming-in on a topic and staying fixed on it, although that's very important, obviously. To interact effectively with our world and the various demands we all face, we must be able to zoom-out at will, too. That's tricky. Even with meds, my brain doesn't like repositioning itself. I want to be all in. If I have to shift my attention constantly, that's tough. I can do it, with meds, but it is difficult. 

I said all that to say if your ADHDer seems to take off in the middle of having a talk with her, that could be a factor. 

Also, if we seem inclined to shut you out, remember that we get frustrated too. 1. It isn't fun for anyone to fail repeatedly nor 2. to be reminded of it. Like everyone, we can only handle so much hurt and disappointment. Without meaning to, my SO does a heck of a job bombarding me with a tone in her voice that says, "You big idiot!" We get locked into ways of relating to one another that can be annoying due to years of conditioning. You know? I have to remind myself what hooking up with me was like for her pre-dx. She needs to remember that she doesn't have to tell me the same thing 63,000 times. I occasionally say, "I heard you the first time." (What a treat that is!) 

"It’s incredibly fulfilling work – I get the honor of helping couples learn to love again and keep their families intact." Ms. Orlov

Of all things anyone can aspire to and to achieve during his/her lifetime that is of ultimate importance, it is exactly what Ms. Orlov and her team are doing. Children need loving parents who strive together to make a healthy, warm, nurturing environment and everyone needs to love and to be loved. To dedicate one's life to assist families to reestablish loving bonds is the summum bonum. 

As you may know, I taught college for a couple years as a visiting faculty member.  I adjuncted for a few years during grad school, but promised myself I would not be one of those people who continues to adjunct years after they complete their doctorates.

This is from a recent Chronicle of Higher Education article talking about the toll of adjuncting:

"The grief of not finding a home in higher ed — of having done everything as well as I was capable of doing, and having it not pan out; of being told over and over how well I was doing and how much my contributions mattered, even as the prize was withheld — consumed more than a decade. It affected my physical health. It affected my mental health. It ended my first marriage. It reopened all my fears from childhood about abandonment and rejection." https://www.chronicle.com/interactives/2019-03-27-childress 

As I read this, I realized it also described my family life--being told how much I am valued and respected, but not actually being treated with consideration and respect.  Quite often, it is the H in ADHD that prevents family members from being respectful in the moment.  Whatever thought comes into their heads--even if motivated by rage at someone other than the target--has to be said or acted upon right then and there without any further reflection.   This creates incredible conative dissonance when I am told, "Of course we respect you!" 

So, last night our couples therapist laid out some "alternative" medical theories, including how not following doctor's advice about ovarian cancer had worked so well for her.  (I brought up the counter example of Bob Marely, who turned to alternative medicine for skin cancer on his foot and wound up dead.)  A lot of this was director toward my needing to stop focussing on negative things and to look for positive things.  

I explained that it was hard to be positive when I can't depend on anyone and I am constantly afraid that something is going to blow up in my face.  I compared it to a recent bus trip I had (the after a bad therapy session) in which the bus got stuck in traffic and then two other busses crashed right in front of us.  I was trying to be responsible and get to the work-related event on time, but something completely out my control happened and screwed me over.  It felt like a metaphor for my life.  It is hard to look for the positive when a tornado can erupt in our home with no warning.  A few days ago, my wife kept telling me she wanted to have sex.  That night, she got into a throw down fight with our 10 year-old daughter.  Our daughter had a tantrum on our bed and said she would not leave until we listend to her.  I said I was listening.  Oh, but Mom isn't listening.  I asked my wife to listen.  She would then say things that basically amounted to "OK, I will listen to her tell lies."  Our daughter then responded that she would not say her side of the things because her mother was refusing to listen.  Yes, I did not expect her to be honest.  But I thought that listening would help deescalate the situation.  My wife is all about escalating.  Result--no sex.

The words vs. actions is this.  I have said that I feel unimportant that that the dog is the only member of the family who respects me.  My wife seems to think that saying "Of course we respect you" is the same thing as actually respecting me.  I need to SEE respect in their ACTIONS.

When I was a teenager, my father (severe ADHD and OCD, BTW), would often lavish praise on how smart I was.  But he treated me like an idiot.  I would tell him over and over again that my car stalled, for example.  Then my sister's friend borrowed the car.  "Oh, he said the car stalls.  Did you notice that?"  Or when he bought this devise to convert a dial tv to remote control.  The channel number did not change when you pressed the remote.  He cleaned the coax cables with alcohol.  I told him that the channel number still did not change.  Well, I must have been wrong because he cleaned the coax connections with alcohol!  I explained that if the coax connections between the remote control box and the tv were the problem, then the channel number would change and the problem would be with the TV, not the converter.  Oh, no, it must not be problem because he cleaned the connections.  I was brilliant in the abstract, but I was an idiot in practice.  All of his telling me how proud he was of my intelligence meant nothing because he treated me like a moron.  My wife telling me that she and the kids respect me and believe that I am important does not mean anything if I am ignored and trested with disrespect.

The therapsist said that of course our kids think I am important because they look sad when I say something negative.  My wife brought up how our son is so upset because I say "Oh, God" when I get stressed (nstead of yelling and scream like she does.)  BTW, our son said "Oh God" in relation to something our daughter was doing last night.