I understand my partner has ADHD, but I don't want to raise a man-child. My anxiety about this manifests itself in insomnia, vomiting for no reason, and inability to function on some days. On one hand, I feel like I should just be able to walk out but on the other I feel a huge amount of guilt and obligation to stay. Just this morning, he volunteers to "clean" the kitchen. I walk in there and the dishwasher is half empty and dishes still piled up in the sink, he apparently lost interest half way through. Forget about putting a salad dressing cap on all the way or closing a ziploc bag - I can not tell you how much food I throw out because he can't be bothered to close a container all the way. In our bedroom, god forbid a freaking dresser drawer gets shut or clothes make it to the laundry basket and forget about making the bed. This transfers to even the front door in the middle of winter, he can't shut it all the way closed. Seriously wth. The kitchen cabinets, the dryer door, honestly I feel like I have a kid I didn't want, not a partner. This is all compounded by the anger - he can not deal with anything that requires effort. I mean seriously if he thinks making a sandwich gets too difficult because the mustard isn't in clear sight he will get frustrated and walk away. He complains that I have no attention for anything, that I am the problem. Admittedly, I do have some ADD myself. I forget where I put my phone, I am easily distracted at times. I just signed up for counseling, this is not the first go around. This time I am looking for the help, the courage to leave this all behind. I want freedom without guilt and I just want to live my life. I am exhausted with all of this nonsense. Just needed to vent. Thank you
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- I am at the end of the rope by: kat67 5 years 8 months ago
- The person who invests feels love. by: jennalemone 5 years 8 months ago
C ur self, this is another form of boundaries.... and this is why boundaries are necessary. Found this online. I know this to be true but have never seen it put in words so clearly. If you both are nice to each other, that is a good partnership. If one is nice and partnering but the other takes it for granted...then you may be too nice to that person and they do not respect you or put in the energy to care for you or the relationship.
1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest Whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Moral of the story—don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.
2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior. People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions. As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly.
3) Nice People Are Too Available. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible. Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable.
So, learn from the jerks and divas—but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love...without being so nice others walk all over you.
- Horrible Morning by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 8 months ago
My 10 year old daughter woke me up at 4 am. She said she did not "get a wink of sleep" and wanted a drink--she is afraid to go downstairs by herself. I used the bathroom and then went downstairs. I was fortunately able to get back to sleep after she got a drink.
She was asleep when I woke up.
She often keeps claiming that she is coming down for long periods of time only to then finally announce that she is looking for some missing article of clothing. She did this today and claimed she did not have a shirt. I found several shirts in the dryer and gave them to her. She spent a long time telling me that she was putting on one of them and that I my asking her about it was preventing her from doing it.
Our 16 year old son slept through school yesterday. Today, he was up early and ready to go. He was getting mad that she was not coming out of her room to leave. I had to tell him to stay out of it several times. I gave her a minute to finish putting on the shirt. He opened her door (we removed the lock a few months ago because she pulls this so much) and announced she was hiding under the covers. I had to struggle to get the covers away. She was wearing a bra but had not even started to put on a shirt. She then complained that she would be too hot because it was a gym day. I pointed out that I gave her several shirts, including T-shirts. I finally had to put one over her head. Then I had to lift her out of bed. She went downstairs and complained. I had to find her shoes among all of the mess in her room. Then she refused to put them on. I had to try to put them on her. I started ordering an Uber ride to school for my son, but she was finally ready. In the car, I asked why she did not ask for help and said I needed her to communicate with me.She kept giving nonanswers--I shouldn't communicate with her. Then my son interjected that he thought she was just tired. She latched on to this explanation and said she did not get sleep because Alexa was not working right. I dropped her off and then my son was late to high school. Given all of the hassle of getting her ready to leave, I was not able to take the time to get her to take her medications.
Earlier in the week, she kept saying she was coming out or getting her shoes on. When I finally opened the door, she was watching something on a tablet that she was not supposed to have--and did not have any shoes. That evening, she repeatedly called me on the way home from work crying about how unfair it was that my wife would not let her watch anything as punishment for sneaking the tablet in the morning.
Last night, we got to sleep late because my wife discovered that our daughter had wet her bed and failed to tell us or clean it up. She had had an accident in her room over the weekend and said that she cleaned it up with her old clothes.
- Life Is Short by: AdeleS6845 5 years 8 months ago
Life isn't short.
Its the longest thing any of us will ever do.
Let that sink in.
- Vyvanse question by: cebart 5 years 8 months ago
I started taking Vyvanse on Wednesday. I’m on 20 mg for the first 15 days, then I’m going to 30 mg for another 15 days, I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in 28 days.
I realize that it’s a new medication and it takes time for the body to adjust but what has other people’s experience been. How long has it taken to adjust.
- Just saw a divorce lawyer by: 1Melody1 5 years 8 months ago
I need a place to vent. I saw my first divorce lawyer today to ask some questions and get a better picture of where I would be if I split from my husband now.
It wasn't ideal. Basically, it is challenging for me to get custody at my daughter's age. She is 11. When she is 13, it would likely be a lot easier for me providing she states that her preference is to live with me (at this point she unequivocally would). A lot of you will understand why custody is so important to me because of the effectiveness (lack of) in parenting with ADHD. My husband has a terrible relationship with our daughter.
I am struggling. I know I want out and the anxiety from staying in this marriage is so detrimental to me. I don't sleep well and my body is in a constant state of unease. I want so badly to take action that I know would be healthy for ME. But I can't take an action that would ease my suffering but put my girl in jeopardy of living with her dad part time. Looking at a minimum of two more years like this feels so insurmountable to me physically, emotionally, mentally.
I just need some consoling from people who get it. Or something. I don't even know.
- Please help counter my irrational thoughts by: PoisonIvy 5 years 8 months ago
As many of you know, I'm divorced. My ex had been diagnosed with ADHD around 2007 or 2008. He has issues with money and with honesty, which sometimes overlapped. Specifically, he wanted to cheat on his taxes. I insisted that we pay taxes and I actually filled out the forms because I didn't trust him. But now we're divorced, and he apparently hasn't filed tax returns, and apparently he's in trouble with our state's department of revenue. (I know because the mail is still coming to my house. It's addressed to him but he never changed his address. I haven't opened the envelopes but it's not too hard to figure out what's probably going on.) Part of me is so relieved to not be married to him anymore. But part of me, the irrational part, is thinking, "Being honest and not cheating are important to me. If we were still married, I would be making sure that ex-H wasn't cheating on his taxes. It's my fault he's getting in trouble."
Talk me off the ledge, folks! Thank you.
- I saw this on Facebook. by: AdeleS6845 5 years 8 months ago
Unpopular opinion:
The attitude of "that's just how I am take it or leave it" is still a sign of immaturity.
As an adult, it's your responsibility to figure out which of your traits are toxic and are negatively impactful towards other people and the ones you love, and to eventually learn how to fix them.
At some point we all got to start making ourselves better individuals. If you truly believe you don't have to change anything about yourself even at the very least the worst in you, and that people will just have to deal with it then sorry, you're still a child.
- This little girl's singing blessed me, I hope you enjoy it as well.... by: c ur self 5 years 8 months ago
This little 10 year old girl has autism and ADHD....https://epicpew.com/girl-autism-singing-hallelujah-will-blow-away/
- Shaking My Head... by: AdeleS6845 5 years 8 months ago
Has this happened during a conversation with your ADHD spouse or significant other?
They go on and on about "High Functioning" people, whether it be at work or outside of work? My BF was telling me about how he likes to go outside on lunch or break at work, to chat with the people who are out there smoking ( pot, mostly ), whether he is smoking or not. Apparently all of the employees that are "high functioning" smoke pot daily, then return to work. Hey says they need to smoke it, and this is where my SMH comes in, along with an eye roll.. (In my previous posts, I spoke about him having problems with substance abuse, and him in his own words "smoking too much pot". He quit smoking it again three days ago. ) I find this annoying, mostly because of the way he says it, like the rest of the population has low IQ's and aren't very bright. Or, that people with high IQ's are better.
I would rather be as I am...a highly observant empath, who is able to pick up on subtle cues from others, and tune in to what they are thinking/feeling. I am compassionate of others. I would rather not rely on using drugs of any kind, legal or not to "deal" with my life. From my experience with depression and anxiety, all pills and drugs do are mask the symptoms. If I don't get to the root cause of my issues and deal with them, that issue will rear its ugly head at a later time, because I haven't dealt with it.
Frustrated.