Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I need some comforting by: Angie_H 5 years 9 months ago

    Hi, all,

    I am so frustrated I am ready to cry. I'm away from home. I've been reminding my husband to do things he promised to handle while I'm away. Today I pulled together a list and ran through it with him. He has not done a single thing that he committed to do during the past few weeks. To top it off, I was expecting a package - a food item that must be frozen. He threw the mail on the kitchen table last night. Later he looked at the package and realized what it was. Then he decided it would be ok to refrigerate it instead of freezing it, and I could freeze it when I get home in a week. He has been procrastinating on planning a business trip. Now he decided to go when I'm home, and during a week when we already had plans.

    I'm not seeking advice. I'm venting. I'm so sad and frustrated.

    Angie

  • the "gift" of ADHD: "My husband is not in denial of his diagnosis but refuses to deal with it" by: PoisonIvy 5 years 9 months ago

    Someone posted this in another thread, and it rings so true for me that I decided to make it a new topic.  

    My ex would acknowledge the ADHD when doing so suited him.  Specifically, he seemed to like the "I am a victim" aspects of having a diagnosis but not the "Now you need to do something about it" aspects.  

  • My husband, the petulant princess by: jennalemone 5 years 9 months ago

    There is a TV show called "Princess" on the Lifetime channel.  It is SO interesting for me to see these "usually young" women who have been living carefree off the generosity and love of family and friends. They ALWAYS have an impish grin and seem to believe they are particularly cute and smart.  I see my old husband in them and want to kick myself for letting him drift along while I strived and worked so hard.  With him believing that he is smart to not have had to work too hard for his own home and family. He likes to say he does the work but doesn't actually do it. If he does do some small task, he talks it up for a long time to "get credit" even though he does not take the real responsibility of a husband and father. So here is a TV show showing it up in my face what it looks like from the outside. 

    Watching the show is a great reality tool.  I suggest you hunt it out. Sometimes we can't see ourselves as others see us.  Why didn't I fight?  Why did I give too much?  That is what I am looking at these days and learning that I wasn't so much the long suffering spouse, strong and sturdy, but I was the person who did not believe in myself enough to stand strong and find happiness and pride.

  • Day Eight by: Sollertiae 5 years 9 months ago

    I am not sure how to introduce myself on this board, so rather than a 'hi' post, I thought I would contribute here with brief on the progress my partner and I have been making in building our relationship. I am a thirty seven year old professional in Australia who is currently two and a half years into a long distance relationship with a lovely, forty year old American. We met on a fan board for a band that we both like and were firm friends from the first ridiculous joke. As a general rule, I do not pursue relationships with people I meet online and he is such a good friend that I did not want to risk losing that by misreading his intentions. So even a year later when I was in the US and planning on attending various concerts with him, it was still only as a friend. From that trip though, we have been as inseparable as two people can be with 9000 miles in between and one Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (impulsive, hyperactive type). Things are slow, as I can only afford that type of trip once or twice a year, and he counts relationship growth face to face. He is right though, and somethings should not be rushed even while others speed past at break neck speed. ;P

    Long distance, especially that far, is hard on everyone, but it is made just that little bit more difficult because his ADHD is untreated, and will probably stay untreated unless I can persuade him to up and move across the world where health care is something affordable. I knew he had ADHD, even before he told me. I recognise the symptoms pretty readily - in my former role I would work with university students who come to me for specialised assistance, especially those with ADHD and anxiety disorders. Still, he is one of the sweetest, funniest, and kindest people I know and one of the few who can keep up with me at full tilt (I do not have ADHD, but I loathe being static and have done things like completed a phd because I was bored).  I am willing to work for this. Some stress points are relatively simple - I am not a fussy person when it comes to things like timeliness (in truth, I have to organise so much at work that I do not care to when at home), am  pretty zen when it comes to chores and the state of a house (I share housed for 17 years with a wide variety of people and abilities to clean), believe in partnership but also in not living out of each others pockets, and have no interest in being anyone's parent, and zero interest in wealth for wealth's sake. I won't lie though, it is not easy for either of us - especially how we both respectively handle being apart and the terrible loneliness that comes with it: I want more contact, and he needs distraction. This means that once the initial period of excitement wore off, and he began to be more erratically in contact with me with long periods of silence between intense bursts of communication, I began to struggle. After a year though, I worked out what is normal and what I can handle. That he will vanish for a week or a week and a half before cycling back around to me in a burst rapid fire story telling. Then he will gently taper off contact after a few days of intense conversation, until he needs to cycle back again. As long as he doesn't escalate over two weeks (personal reasons for me), then we are fine. I am also now prepared for him vanishing into a ball of frenetic preparation anxiety when I am coming to visit, and then again into a puddle of utter exhaustion and mental regrouping when I have left (the stress of trying to keep his plans for what we should do together nearly kills him). And I know that when he has work, I really need to find something else to do because he has to use all his reserves to hold that together (and it is good for him). In turn, he makes sure to at least use social media to signal he is not dead even if he is not up to full conversation, he is more relaxed about me arriving, and is working on being able to talk to me no matter what state he is in. Although that is still easier when I am there in person. 

    As long as I can manage my own anxiety about abandonment (absolutely nothing to do with him) and find the trust that it is not deliberate, then it is okay. Some weeks I am better at it than others, and I can remember that he is in fact off telling everyone he meets about me, racking up adventures to regale me with. Other days, when work is wearing me thin or the distance is killing me, it is harder to convince myself that I am worthwhile and that he isn't deliberately ignoring me. It does not help that both of us are hopeless when it comes to communicating emotions (I know, and he knows but we don't say), but I have made extra effort to make sure he knows how I feel, even if it means writing a damn letter and sending it via snail mail. In his own way, he has also done the same although it is heart breaking to witness. I mostly can remember that I am the person he most consistently makes an effort to communicate with, and am determined to be far more secure in the knowledge of his affections. Certain friends remind me I am being an idiot and that all evidence points to this, and my best friend (who has ADHD) very kindly lends me her insight when I am at my bleakest. Most days I am optimistic that if we can survive this distance we will be in with a chance. From his previous relationships, I know that he is less absent than when he has to deal with a lack of physical connection, being unsure whether he is imagining me being fine with him at less than his best. He is painfully self aware and it takes a lot to get him to stop hiding. It is reciprocal - he will draw me out into conversation, and remind me to not be dismissive of experiences. Right when I least expect it, he will surprise me by calling when I am sick and being on the phone the entire time, or ring me to share a road trip without realising he is recreating those he travelled with me; or sit with me and let me have a small breakdown about my cat dying. 

     I returned last week from spending a month in the US, and as it is day eight of him vanishing to regroup with Netflix, with no cessation of absence in sight. This post serves both as an introduction, and a reminder to myself of where and who we are, and most importantly - to maintain hope. :)

  • Finding Freedom.... by: c ur self 5 years 9 months ago

    Have you ever wished that you could be free from pain? The pain that you attribute to your marriage relationship? I sure have....I have found in my own life, that this freedom I have sought has taken me through many stages of psychological realities....I have been stuck in some of these stages for years...Because I would determine it to be a safe place (really I was just trapped there, due to expectations I was placing)....But when the reality would eventually set in, that it wasn't going to ever bring me to the place of real freedom....I knew I had more work to do:(.....

    Some of you who have marriages where there is ownership instead of denial, probably have an easier time than myself in finding this freedom, maybe:)...Stage 1 was placing expectations on my spouse, and then fighting tooth and nail to force it to happen...The product for myself was, anger and bitterness...I was a most miserable human, felt totally unloved and unappreciated....(over 4 years here)....

    Stage 2 was a transitional stage....repentance, finding healing, some acceptance,  (acceptance of our huge differences about most things related to daily life) boundary setting (for survival, and protection for us both). I was in stage 2 for a couple of years at least...

    Stage 3 Perfecting Acceptance, which has meant several things...a. freeing myself from ever trying to think for her, or point out what is right or wrong for her. b...allowing myself the freedom to find my own peace, no matter what action must be taken for that peace to be had..(this is when I came to peace with living alone, if that was what it was going to take)... (3 years here) ...I have just recently moved into a new stage...

    Stage 4...This stage is about healthy attachment....It's about self discipline for my self...discipline to not regress back to things like expectations, pressing or pointing out differences, it's about managing my own life (ONLY) to be the kind of husband every faithful wife deserves...My wife's denial is slipping away (slowly) but in reality...My wife can't coax me into a fight any longer (So she doesn't want to fight any longer, she never really did, but, denial must be excused or justified)....We are learning how to truly trust, (not just one another)....I am learning how to respect the sufferings of her mind, and be at peace with the disciplines it forces on us....And what I have experienced from her the past several months has been an amazing amount of self awareness, kindness and thoughtfulness...Even when she starts to blurt out something, she stops herself....And because I have been experiencing enough Grace to not react/ reply....Then it goes away, and later we may even celebrate the small victory....

    I will take this opportunity to thank my Lord, for his mercy, and the power of his faithful presents...which makes all things possible.... 

    Finding freedom from the pain.....Never confuse willful sinful acts (choices), with thought processing challenges....Never justify wrong (There is just no right way, to do the wrong thing)....I have to be 100% responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors (no matter what anyone else say's or does). And I have to forgive in order to be forgiven...

    c 

  • whats the payoff by: Incoming 5 years 9 months ago

    Hello like to get some advice , my wife is adhd she a special ed teacher who cant hold down a job , mostly from what i see no flexibility (black or white) and usually has a hard time with staff members, what i find is she is constantly negative

    its a real struggle for me financially , Im on dialysis and i go to work everyday, what iam trying to do is not react to her problems , nobody want to be around her because its constant neg about someone or something ,

    you would think she would learn off her mistakes, i heard that adhd people like to seek out conflict to stimulate themselves, what im really trying to do is not to react to her.

    i just don't want her to bang in my ear anymore , she must be getting some type of payoff with me listening to her ,right she just started another job , don't get me wrong these kids she has in class are bad , but she only been there 3 days.

    Im not ignoring, her but shell call me at work , im trying to be a little more distance or not engage in the conversation she wants to talk about.

      

     

    .

  • What being a Non has taught me by: Brindle 5 years 9 months ago

    There are some things that, being in a marriage, are important.  But when you’re the Non in a dysfunctional adhd marriage, they suddenly become more important. 

    By nature, I’m a pretty accommodating person.  That’s a good trait... as long as you are accommodating because you have a good balance. (“These are my boundaries.  If what is requested doesn’t cross my boundaries, then I don’t mind doing things they way they wish.”)

    But I mostly didn’t have good boundaries. I didn’t realize some issues should have been a place where boundaries were necessary. And I didn’t hold some of my boundaries very long because I could be made to feel like the bad guy rather easily.  All he had to do was react poorly to my boundary and accuse me of whatever he wanted (being the actual problem, not trusting him, not being nice, etc), and I would back off. 

    So lesson one: approach any and all relationships with attention to boundaries that keep the relationships in a healthy place.  

    Lesson two: have the strength to stand on your own and not be cowed when your boundaries are being challenged.

    Another thing I wasn’t able to do well (but am practicing to be better) is have a radar for tactics of avoidance. People who don’t want to change will try all kinds of things to get you to leave the issue alone.  And I mostly fell for it. Which made me feel crazy!  

    Lesson three: feeling crazy and confused is a sign that they are manipulating you and/or the situation. 

    And all three of those lessons are part of a bigger lesson - you have to be mentally strong to be when dealing with the effects of an adhd’er who does not want to have to work on their part of a relationship. 

    I think these lessons are true of anyone with any kind of dysfunction.  But when you’re dealing with brain-driven dysfunction (adhd symptoms that aren’t being treated) plus chosen dysfunction  (denial and avoidance of responsibility), there is suddenly so much more at stake for your mental health.

  • Is there ANY way of making an untreated ADHD Spouse understand THEY choose this hell by: Cherelle731 5 years 10 months ago

    My bf of 10 years has ADHD, diagnosed as a child. However, as an adult refuses to seek medical advice and treat his ADHD. We lived the honeymoon phase, believe it or not for 6 years. And when we were forced to endure a series of catastrophic events, one which was my father's sudden passing, the honeymoon ended quite suddenly without us even realizing what had happened. We are now stuck in a parent/child like relationship, so much so he sleeps on the couch. 

    He will not seek medical advice and seek medication and has the worst angry out bursts over the most random ideas of what HE hears me say. I really miss the guy I fell in love with, and I desperately want our lives back. 

    I am a very independent woman, and until recently could handle the physical and mental responsibility of running the house, as long as he "got up and went to work every day". One of those events mentioned earlier was exacerbated by him. Which has left me unable to continue to be employed in my chosen career of 25 yrs, and unable to walk with out assistance now. He has either chosen to ignore his part, or avoids accepting what part he played in me now needing him physically to carry any weight I literally used to so whenever I ask him nicely to please, take out the garbage, or to put the roaster down in that cupboard, or to sweep the floor, it is WWIII. I can't even ask him to please come cuddle with me in bed because i don't feel good without resistance. And being made to feel like I am a huge burden and what I ask of him is such an inconvenience. 

    Any opportunity to discuss how really unhappy I am about certain things, we need to work on or fix, or change the situation in general results in more hurtful things yelled and never apologized for, more time in silence and loneliness. And I feel 3 more steps back. I am more than open to creating charts, or making adjustments to help him to not forget so many things I have asked of him, and he won't have any of that. He can't or won't see how much he DOES forget, either what he said, what he was going to do. I know that if he took some kind of meds he would be better able to "take charge of his life" and better equipped to start taking charge around here. He won't even decide what to order for pizza for me! It's been 10 yrs, and he doesn't even know what my fave flavor of chips are! I don't know when he last walked into a grocery store. I need to be able to rely on him more, and I don't know how to get him to realize that if he doesn't step up, he will have to step out, and all he has to do is make that choice. I have no doubt that if I could secretly drug him and point out in a few months the difference it makes in our lives I would. Then he could finally admit his ADHD symptoms are ruining our lives now. 

    I hate the things he says, his lazy selfish attitude towards me, and where we are headed if he doesn't seek help soon. 

    WHAT CAN I DO!?!?!

    Drag him there kicking and screaming!? Been there, embarrassing beyond belief, and lucky nobody was arrested. Police attendance due to our fighting is to be expected at least once a yr. But it's happening more often in public, and I can't hang my head in shame much longer. 

     

    DESPERATE TO FEEL LOVED AGAIN

  • Calling them on lies by: Libby 5 years 10 months ago

    I'm just wondering if you call you person on their lies. I'm not talking about huge life changing ones but everyday smaller incidents. We have been having issues with our furnace. The technician said it is because the filter isn't cleaned enough. I can remember one time my DH cleaned it. He swears he does it once a month. Such a huge bald faced lie. I cannot even believe that he would say that. What do you say in these kinds of instances?

  • really zero listening--I may as well talk to the wall by: dvance 5 years 10 months ago

    So this is nothing new to any of us who post here, I'm not looking for solutions, I just had to get this out.  I bought the oldest son (19) Apple Air Pods for Christmas and DH thought they were cool and wanted some.  That's fine--he makes a decent salary, we both got a fair bonus, he can take calls on them instead of his bluetooth, fine.  So I stopped on the way home from work today at the Apple store by our house and bought them (they were out of stock for a while).  I called him walking back to my car after purchasing the Air Pods and said I just picked up your Air Pods, I am on my way home, what are you up to?  He was picking up the younger son from track.  Okay good, see you in a few.  He says okay, so you're just leaving school then?  Um...I just picked up your Air Pods...that you said thank you for...that you were excited to have...like three minutes ago I said this.  I get home before him, they are sitting on the desk, he comes home maybe 30 minutes after me, sees them, says OH COOL, where did you get them?  Oh my good lord--I just cannot even stand it some days.  This is nothing new to any of us that are here regularly, sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks how many deficits he has and how little attention is paid to anything.  But then I did a bad thing.  When he said where did you get them I just looked at him and he said WHAT???  I called you when I was walking back to my car from the store and told you I had picked them up and you said thank you--that was like 45 minutes ago--how do you not remember that???  And he got so mad.  I tried to talk about it in a reasonable way but that did not go well.  I said listen, I am saying this out of concern--he has not had his hearing checked and he really needs to, I said I am concerned and he was having none of it.  I said what if you did this kind of thing at work--that's what I worry about.  He says people would tell him.  I doubt that, but whatever.  I should know better by now--why did I even try to talk about it??  He went storming out to get gas but wanted to say something and said never mind, I won't say it.  I am sure it was some version of "you forget things too".  How is it different when we forget things like normal people and our ADHD people forget things?  To me it's the sheer volume of what is forgotten and how quickly, like within minutes sometimes, and how little remorse there is about that.  Remorse is probably too strong a word--I don't know what word I am looking for.  I too forget things but I will preface a statement that I suspect I may have already said or a question I already asked with a disclaimer, like "I am so sorry, I am sure you already told me this and it fell out of my brain--can you tell me again??" but with DH there is none of that--it's the instant defensiveness that is tough to live with.  With my 8th graders I joke with them--I tell them if I repeat myself please tell me because I don't want to be that person and they will kind of shyly raise their hands if I launch into something and I will stop and say--did I already say this and they all nod vigorously and I say so you don't want to hear my spiel again?!?!! But at least have some humor and humility about it, don't act like it's everyone else's problem, you know.

    Do I sound petty and lame???

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