Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Is there ANY way of making an untreated ADHD Spouse understand THEY choose this hell by: Cherelle731 5 years 10 months ago

    My bf of 10 years has ADHD, diagnosed as a child. However, as an adult refuses to seek medical advice and treat his ADHD. We lived the honeymoon phase, believe it or not for 6 years. And when we were forced to endure a series of catastrophic events, one which was my father's sudden passing, the honeymoon ended quite suddenly without us even realizing what had happened. We are now stuck in a parent/child like relationship, so much so he sleeps on the couch. 

    He will not seek medical advice and seek medication and has the worst angry out bursts over the most random ideas of what HE hears me say. I really miss the guy I fell in love with, and I desperately want our lives back. 

    I am a very independent woman, and until recently could handle the physical and mental responsibility of running the house, as long as he "got up and went to work every day". One of those events mentioned earlier was exacerbated by him. Which has left me unable to continue to be employed in my chosen career of 25 yrs, and unable to walk with out assistance now. He has either chosen to ignore his part, or avoids accepting what part he played in me now needing him physically to carry any weight I literally used to so whenever I ask him nicely to please, take out the garbage, or to put the roaster down in that cupboard, or to sweep the floor, it is WWIII. I can't even ask him to please come cuddle with me in bed because i don't feel good without resistance. And being made to feel like I am a huge burden and what I ask of him is such an inconvenience. 

    Any opportunity to discuss how really unhappy I am about certain things, we need to work on or fix, or change the situation in general results in more hurtful things yelled and never apologized for, more time in silence and loneliness. And I feel 3 more steps back. I am more than open to creating charts, or making adjustments to help him to not forget so many things I have asked of him, and he won't have any of that. He can't or won't see how much he DOES forget, either what he said, what he was going to do. I know that if he took some kind of meds he would be better able to "take charge of his life" and better equipped to start taking charge around here. He won't even decide what to order for pizza for me! It's been 10 yrs, and he doesn't even know what my fave flavor of chips are! I don't know when he last walked into a grocery store. I need to be able to rely on him more, and I don't know how to get him to realize that if he doesn't step up, he will have to step out, and all he has to do is make that choice. I have no doubt that if I could secretly drug him and point out in a few months the difference it makes in our lives I would. Then he could finally admit his ADHD symptoms are ruining our lives now. 

    I hate the things he says, his lazy selfish attitude towards me, and where we are headed if he doesn't seek help soon. 

    WHAT CAN I DO!?!?!

    Drag him there kicking and screaming!? Been there, embarrassing beyond belief, and lucky nobody was arrested. Police attendance due to our fighting is to be expected at least once a yr. But it's happening more often in public, and I can't hang my head in shame much longer. 

     

    DESPERATE TO FEEL LOVED AGAIN

  • Calling them on lies by: Libby 5 years 10 months ago

    I'm just wondering if you call you person on their lies. I'm not talking about huge life changing ones but everyday smaller incidents. We have been having issues with our furnace. The technician said it is because the filter isn't cleaned enough. I can remember one time my DH cleaned it. He swears he does it once a month. Such a huge bald faced lie. I cannot even believe that he would say that. What do you say in these kinds of instances?

  • really zero listening--I may as well talk to the wall by: dvance 5 years 10 months ago

    So this is nothing new to any of us who post here, I'm not looking for solutions, I just had to get this out.  I bought the oldest son (19) Apple Air Pods for Christmas and DH thought they were cool and wanted some.  That's fine--he makes a decent salary, we both got a fair bonus, he can take calls on them instead of his bluetooth, fine.  So I stopped on the way home from work today at the Apple store by our house and bought them (they were out of stock for a while).  I called him walking back to my car after purchasing the Air Pods and said I just picked up your Air Pods, I am on my way home, what are you up to?  He was picking up the younger son from track.  Okay good, see you in a few.  He says okay, so you're just leaving school then?  Um...I just picked up your Air Pods...that you said thank you for...that you were excited to have...like three minutes ago I said this.  I get home before him, they are sitting on the desk, he comes home maybe 30 minutes after me, sees them, says OH COOL, where did you get them?  Oh my good lord--I just cannot even stand it some days.  This is nothing new to any of us that are here regularly, sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks how many deficits he has and how little attention is paid to anything.  But then I did a bad thing.  When he said where did you get them I just looked at him and he said WHAT???  I called you when I was walking back to my car from the store and told you I had picked them up and you said thank you--that was like 45 minutes ago--how do you not remember that???  And he got so mad.  I tried to talk about it in a reasonable way but that did not go well.  I said listen, I am saying this out of concern--he has not had his hearing checked and he really needs to, I said I am concerned and he was having none of it.  I said what if you did this kind of thing at work--that's what I worry about.  He says people would tell him.  I doubt that, but whatever.  I should know better by now--why did I even try to talk about it??  He went storming out to get gas but wanted to say something and said never mind, I won't say it.  I am sure it was some version of "you forget things too".  How is it different when we forget things like normal people and our ADHD people forget things?  To me it's the sheer volume of what is forgotten and how quickly, like within minutes sometimes, and how little remorse there is about that.  Remorse is probably too strong a word--I don't know what word I am looking for.  I too forget things but I will preface a statement that I suspect I may have already said or a question I already asked with a disclaimer, like "I am so sorry, I am sure you already told me this and it fell out of my brain--can you tell me again??" but with DH there is none of that--it's the instant defensiveness that is tough to live with.  With my 8th graders I joke with them--I tell them if I repeat myself please tell me because I don't want to be that person and they will kind of shyly raise their hands if I launch into something and I will stop and say--did I already say this and they all nod vigorously and I say so you don't want to hear my spiel again?!?!! But at least have some humor and humility about it, don't act like it's everyone else's problem, you know.

    Do I sound petty and lame???

  • Mission Impossible? by: MostlyFeelingHu... 5 years 10 months ago

    My husband (and the love of my life) has ADD. 

    For the past 11 years, I have accepted that his strengths lie mostly in inconspicuous places: he is thoughtful with others, focused when fixing big machines, grateful for his hard work, observant of all that is going on in American politics, fun and jolly when talking with other guys, goes above and beyond the call of duty at work, full of zeal when it’s time to go to the bar to meet his buddies, super extra talkative with other women... That last one, is the killer.

    I have read a lot about adult ADD... I try as best as I can to be the good wife, the good friend, the patient assistant, the caring coach... It seemed all worth it until I found out that my husband was leading a double life... Telling women he met that I was his good friend and roommate.

    We went to couples’ counseling for about a dozen sessions... but in truth, I do not feel that the psychologist really understood what it means to live with ADD for either of us. My husband seemed to feel that he needed someone to listen to him, apparently something I was not doing. We agreed to turn a new page and went on a super vacation... I felt that getting the affair out in the open had helped some, and some discussions indicated that he felt really badly about the whole thing...  Maybe, there was some hope for us... 

    Just about a year later, a couple of weeks before Christmas, I found some chats my husband took part in with 2 women, one chat from the women he had been involved with for six months, and another where he was engaging in some silly sex talk with... an old teenage flame rekindled through Facebook. The first seemed to be breaking up with him, telling him that she didn’t want to loose him completely... the other, trying to figure out a way to meet up on a vacation, without me knowing... Yada yada yada... I feel so hurt and discouraged... all the time.

    When I confronted him, we agreed to deal with our problems after the holidays, because my in-laws were coming for a two week visit... But now, I’m not quite sure how to approach the topic. I never know if he is telling me the truth, and for sure, this is not a conversation that neither of us are looking forward to. Whether the cheating was (is?) physical or emotional, I’m not sure. Either way, it is destroying the relationship. 

    Is it even possible to reason in honesty with the ADD mind? 

    There are no qualified psychologists that specialize on adult ADD around here to lean on for support... 

  • Does your partner or former partner cheat financially? by: PoisonIvy 5 years 10 months ago

    I'm divorced.  Ex apparently hasn't changed his address yet, even though the divorce was finalized in May 2016 and he had already been living with his parents nearly full time for three years by then.  Yesterday, for the third time, mail arrived from the state department of revenue. It was clear from the envelope that ex hasn't been paying his state income taxes.  It's not for lack of money.  I think he doesn't pay taxes for a combination of reasons: partly from the ADHD and partly because he thinks he's poor (he's not) and is happy to cheat people out of money when he can easily do so.  

    How is your partner or ex with money?

  • Could use some advice by: barneyarff 5 years 10 months ago

    As you know I moved out of the house several months ago.  We are still married and have joint property.   One of the things I've been trying to do is to get my husband to either remember to put money into his old account to pay for the automatic withdrawals for his insurance or change the payment withdrawals to his new account.  I check and more than half the time since I've been gone, I've had to put money in the old account because he hasn't done it.   I went so far as to send him the paperwork to change the payment plan.   I even offered to help him fill it out.   I have not ever asked to be reimbursed for when I cover him.   Rarely am I thanked.

    So late last night I got a text saying he had put money in that account to pay for the insurance payment.  

    Here's my question.   Many times he has criticized me for not giving him an "attaboy" when he does something that he is supposed to do.  My attitude is, OK, I'll say thank you but I'm not going to stage a ticker tape parade.    Goodness knows no one throws me a parade for every time I do something I'm supposed to do, much less PAY HIS INSURANCE PREMIUM FOR HIM.     So why does he think he should get all kinds of praise?   Isn't that really immature?   Should I overload him with praise just to (perhaps) change his behavior?    Does that mean I'm going to have to "flood the curcuits" every time he does something?    I thought people got over that when they were 3.      If I'm wrong please tell me.

    Thank you

  • Divorce - how to approach my partner by: 1Melody1 5 years 10 months ago

    If you've read some of my other posts here, you know I am at my wit's end and that I feel divorce is inevitable. At this point, I am waiting to get some ducks in a row, which could take months or could take a few years.

    One day last year when I was hurt by something my husband did, I wrote a letter to him that said I wanted a divorce. It was an issue-by-issue breakdown of why. I feel lonely, like his last priority, I need intimacy in a marriage (we have been sexless for 8-9 years), he refuses to hold traditional employment while I have always worked hard, I do 99% of the parenting, 99% of the meals and cleaning and I am simply worn out, etc., etc. There are more issues and most/all are related to ADHD symptoms. The issues in the letter are ones I have raised several times in the past decade with a great will to work with him. I hoped for years he would join me in trying to improve our relationship. He has not so they are still issues and I no longer have any "will" left on my end. He is in denial about ADHD or he truly cannot see it.

    Anyway, the letter is many pages long and writing it helped me stabilize my emotions at that time so I did not give it to him.

    My question is... when the time comes, should I... give him the letter? Or not? Virtually every piece of advice I have read online says to keep your statement that you want a divorce simple and kind/compassionate. The advice says to basically say the marriage isn't working for you and you would like a divorce. The general consensus from experts/lawyers/psychologists seems to be that this conversation sets the tone for divorce proceedings and a friendly coparenting relationship so you shouldn't rehash the issues. And the future coparenting relationship is vitally important to me. BUT... it makes me oh-so-mad to leave these things in my letter unsaid. I want him to know why the marriage didn't work. Even though I've raised these issues before over the years, no doubt he has forgotten what they are because they were never important to him. He thinks he is a fantastic father and husband. If I simply ask for a divorce and keep it that simple, my fear is that he will see the end as all my fault and it is really really not. He will get to tell his family I am the one that did this "out of the blue for no reason". Because of his impulsivity, he will likely tell our daughter the same. And that last one is the one that gets me because she and I have an incredible bond I don't want undermined. I don't deserve that.

    But will taking the high road by not mentioning the issues pay off for me? Do I have to let it all go like I have with so many things? I honestly feel like I can't be objective right now because I am still mired in the issues and feel very resentful over what his denial and untreated ADHD has done to us. We could have worked so well if he were only willing. But he's not and I accept that I can't get him there.

    Can anyone who has experienced a divorce give me some advice here? I think it is natural emotionally for me to want to say "I want a divorce and here is why," but does it serve me better to hold that last part in? Honestly, I have held a lot in over the years to my detriment...  denying/suppressing my feelings has hurt me... so will I later wish I had let it all out and have no opportunity to do so?

    Just looking for opinions I guess. This is so hard.

  • How to make and keep plans without arguing? by: Angie_H 5 years 10 months ago

    Hi, all,

    I would appreciate hearing about your experiences (potential solutions!) in making plans with your ADHD partner and getting him/her to execute them. What worked? What didn't? Last night my husband agreed 'we' would make some phone calls for appointments, then go do some errands. This morning I had to tear him away from watching news on TV to make the calls. As soon as one number came up as incorrect and I tried to google to check the number, he tried to jump and and leave the room. He said I was wasting his time having him sit there while I looked for the number, and he had other things to do. Before he got that sentence out, I had already found the number. I tried to discuss why, when we'd agreed what we would do today, he felt it was suddenly urgent to go do something else. That went badly. We had only spent ten minutes making calls, then we argued for half an hour. Obviously it makes him feel too busy to have some scheduled commitments, and he started thinking about things he has let go undone for weeks and months. He fussed about how his day will be taken up running around, and it will keep him from doing other things. The 'other things' rarely happen due to procrastination and distraction. But the commitment to do some needed errands with me are making him so miserable that he can't even be civil to me this morning. How can we do better? I put things on calendar, and he lets them pass unremarked. I remind him of the calendar entries, and he gets angry. We agree to sit in the evening and make plans, then evening comes and he wants to 'do it some other time'. If he agrees to run errands, then while we are out, he starts complaining about being busy and wanting to skip some of them, even though we are driving right past those places. For today he is already saying we can't do everything we planned. He expects to take some things off the list. I look forward to hearing how other couples are handling planning and execution (follow through) struggles.

    Thank you,

    Angie

  • Central Auditory Processing as an additional obstacle by: crl@5 5 years 10 months ago

    I would love to hear from some of you who also have (or their spouse also has) Central Auditory Processing Disorder in addition to the ADHD.  Both of my sons have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD as well as my husband.  One of my sons was also diagnosed with Central Auditory Processing Disorder in addition to the ADHD.  It was very obvious to me that my son had it because in addition to having to repeat things sometimes, I would have to re-explain and/or re-word things.  And, not only that, sometimes when things are inferred or implied he misunderstands the meaning or intention of what is being said.  

    This is exactly how my husband is...in addition to poor memory and distractibility contributing to confusion and miscommunication, he will often misunderstand the "meaning" or "intention" of what was said.  Sometimes he uses the wrong word for what he is trying to say, so I can also assume that he is misunderstanding a definition or meaning of a word or saying, and that takes a conversation in a whole new direction also.  

    I was never able to find a speech pathologist or program for my son that might help with the auditory processing and maybe that is because there really isn't anything.

    ANY ADVICE OR GUIDANCE would be so greatly appreciated!!

    Thank you,

    crl@5

  • Are you the yes person or the no person in your relationship? by: PoisonIvy 5 years 10 months ago

    The following was part of today's Weekly Marriage Tips email, from ADHD & Marriage:

    "I remember my own years of saying ‘no.’  I felt confined.  I felt like the ‘bad guy’ in the family.  My kids even joked about ‘mean mom coming out of the glove compartment’ one day in the car when I was particularly cranky.

    You don’t have to say ‘yes’ all the time, as Rhimes did for her book experiment.  But what would happen if you said ‘yes’ 50% more?

    And, no, I’m not talking about saying yes to anything that puts you or your family in danger, or that will ruin you financially.  I’m not suggesting you become stupid…only more open to the possibilities that life sends your way.

    Here’s what I discovered when I started to say ‘yes’ much more often.  ‘No’ was getting in my way.  ‘No’ took away my power.  ‘No’ kept me isolated.

    I dare you – try it!"

    I didn't keep count, but I'm pretty sure I said "yes" more than my ex-husband did.  Why is it assumed that the non-ADHD partners are the buzz killers? 

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