Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • It's the Chaos by: barneyarff 5 years 10 months ago

    Excuse me while I blather here

    I've noticed that since I've moved out of the house, some of my anxiety over chaos in day to day living is disappearing.  I'm smiling more and sleeping better.

     

    Last week my husband texted me wondering if we had any plans for Friday (we celebrate Yule)  I texted back no.  And that's the truth.   I was kind of wondering (and hoping) maybe he would invite all of us to the house for Yule but I haven't heard from him since.  I even got him a lovely little gift that would make him smile.

    Last night I took my daughter to dinner for her birthday.  I got there a little early and while I waited, my son called.  (My son and his dog are living at the house with my husband and our old dog at the moment)   Most of the conversation was cheerful.  Then he mentioned that my husband had gone to his Mom's house for Christmas and my son was supposed to take care of the dogs.    I was surprised that my husband went to see his family but it's no big deal except it would be nice to have known especially since our son is not that dependable.   I should add that my son has been staying away from the house because it's so messy it makes him anxious too.  He mostly stays with a friend (but leaves his dog at the house which is upsetting to me.  No dog should be neglected like that. Both his Grandma and I have talked-very gently-about our concerns that his dog is being neglected)

    Not one minute later my husband calls me telling me that he went out of town and he could not get ahold of our son to make sure the dogs were taken care of and that my husband did not want to be a part of any animal neglect etc etc etc so would I make sure all was taken care of.   So I allowed myself to sucked into drama that was not mine

    Called the son back and used my Mommy Voice to get information from him.  Evidently those two dogs had been cooped up in the house for over 24 hours.   I'm livid.  It's not the epic mess I'm sure they caused.   It's not that my husband went out of town without telling me .  It's that 2 living creatures who are dependent on humans have been neglected.  I would have gone over myself to take care of them however the son's dog is a pit and doesn't know me well.   

    I can't even parse this out.   My son, who has crossed so many lines with me to the point where I practically disowned him, has once again done something that crosses ethical lines for me.  One does NOT neglect one's dogs   Period.......   No excuses....   end of story..... don't ask again.

    My husband, instead of letting me know his plans, went away willy, nilly and while he was gone,suddenly expected me to solve a problem.

    And 2 dogs suffer....... 

    Tonight I'm suppose to meet with my children for a lovely evening on Christmas Eve.   My reactive self (that has been triggered) wants to call my son and tell him not to come-ever.  I'm done.  

    I want to tell my husband that he is an idiot for setting up this problem but of course I'm only supposed to be kind because of his fragile ADHD ego.  (who thinks that crap up?) 

    And on top of all this, my daughter (who is really mature and getting her life together) did not even get a phone call from her dad for her birthday.   And I bet you a quarter that if I asked him about it he would say (with massive petulant tone)  "Well, SHE didn't call ME on MY birthday!"

     

    And after my daughter arrived for dinner, I had to put on my cheerful face because that's what a Mom does.

    Life with ADHDers sucks.   

  • Don't be cruel - to your self by: jennalemone 5 years 10 months ago

    I just saw this posted on Facebook.

    The most important lesson I've learned over this past year is don't let anyone make you cruel. No matter how badly you want to give the world a taste of its own bitter medicine, it's never worth losing yourself.

    I also know the wisdom of "You teach the world how to treat you."

    The world can be crazy and difficult and none of us is perfect.  Even if you balanced on the duty/right line in the BEST way you could, sometimes we beat ourselves up for not doing it BETTER. I don't like myself even while knowing I did the BEST I could....I really did give it 150%.  Even in that, I blame myself for giving too much. I lost my self.

    So, the first steps in changing something is to see it clearly.  That is what I am doing most often these days....is seeing things, accepting things as they are (not as I wish they were) and accepting that I and the world are not perfect. I am not the Master of the Universe. Friends and family are not perfect. I am not perfect.  I wish everyone a peace-filled holiday and hope we remember that we are not put here to be perfect by our or other's standards.  I vow to myself to be grateful and forgiving - especially to myself. And to balance my life with good and supportive people and give myself a break. Happy Holidays!

     

  • ADHD Chronicles, Vol 1 - The Bet by: rainbow 5 years 10 months ago

    My partner has untreated ADHD. I want to tell you guys a story about something that just happened to him at his job. Things like this only happen in ADHD land…

    There have been a lot of things changing where my partner works. Within the last year they fired the two big bosses and replaced them, and as a result of that just about everything has changed a bit in some way or another (some good changes, others bad). They are trying to get the place running more “efficiently,” but you know how that can sometimes be. None of you will be surprised that my partner thinks they’re doing a crappy job and, being who he is, feels he just “has to” to say something about it. Ugh.

    Anyway the other day my partner’s supervisor told him he will now be able to leave work early on Saturdays. The plan is for everyone to have certain tasks done on the weekdays so he can just focus on one particular thing on the weekends (watering – he works at a greenhouse).

    The boss said he should be able to leave at 2:30 or so instead of 4. My partner scoffed at that, was sure he’d be done even sooner…as long as everyone else had actually done their part beforehand (insinuating the other employees were slow/dawdling/otherwise not being productive).

    He is a poor judge of time, but in this case, that wasn’t what struck me as significant – it was mainly how bizarre/pompous/overboard his reaction was. During the same conversation, another person would nonchalantly say something like, “I think it may not take me that long, but let me try it out a few weekends and we’ll see.” Then they’d follow through and prove it and go from there. Not my partner though, lol. I can just hear his excited, argumentative, high-pitched, and too-long spiel.

    Yesterday was the first day he was to do this new routine. He called me at 2:30…still at work, though almost done (OF COURSE, someone didn’t do their tasks all of the way the day before).

    The real kicker, and what he was calling to tell me: his boss told him that he and the other supervisor MADE A BET on whether he’d be done before 2:30 or not. For $200!! The one who told him about it had won.

    My partner was really upset about it. On one hand, I don’t blame him, I think they’re absolute jerks…especially the one guy for actually telling him about it. But on the other hand, I realize how ridiculous and over-the-top he can be, and I can see why they’d think the way he behaved was funny. A part of me does too, sorry to say.

    Of course, my partner doesn’t put all this together. He has 10,000+ excuses as to why what happened was his co-workers’ faults, the equipment, the wacky, ever-changing company, etc…

    This isn’t the first bizarre situation he’s gotten himself into in the 11 years we’ve been together. It is so, so hard to be loving/supportive when he’s chattering on and on about something that he isn’t seeing accurately and is very defensive and opinionated about. He wants to explain, explain again, and re-explain to me (and everyone else) why he does and thinks certain things (I get why he does this, I am just venting).

    Years ago, before I learned about ADHD, I handled these types of situations by trying to “set him straight” (i.e. telling him exactly what I think and giving him advice based on that). There were many times I INSISTED he was dead wrong, and I know I made him feel worse than he already did, and we would end up in a huge argument, which was not even logical given the circumstances and made us both feel unsatisfied and sad.  

    Now I try to do a kind of modified version where I still tell him what I think, but more lovingly, and I make a point to validate his perspective in some way (something I was really lacking in years past and now understand the importance of thanks to various ADHD resources as well as experience). It helps keep things from escalating as much, but there are still times he talks about things way beyond what my patience can tolerate (which he doesn’t pick up on – even if I request we close the topic, he keeps bringing it up “by accident” – I actually have to shame him into shutting up sometimes, or actually physically leave).

    I expected that to be the case yesterday, but for whatever reason he did not do anything like that this time...luckily.

    Overall, I am sad for him. Sometimes I think, almost accidentally: “at least it isn’t my problem, thank God it isn’t me.” And then my heart kind of sinks for a moment, because I have to face the fact that, albeit indirectly, it still IS my problem.  

    Oh, the crazy stuff life brings us!! Thanks for reading…

  • ADHD spouses.Their parents and upbringing, how was it? by: dedelight4 5 years 10 months ago

           I am interested in the upbringing of the ADHD people.( Mostly the ones of us whose spouses HAVE this.) How was your spouse brought up? And when did they (or not) know about the ADHD? We didn't find out my H had ADHD until he was around 50. And, later on we learned his mother was bipolar and had Alzheimer's. 

        H's mother was strange, (I know now because of the bipolar diagnosis) but she taught him so many weird things, and didn't teach him better things. She emotionally neglected all her kids, and all of them had serious problems. Fear, guilt, neglect, anger issues were all there. I guess in part I'm talking about the "nature vs nurture" thing. How much is nature and how much of his behavior was caused by lack of nurture and wrong nurturing. Then add in ADHD, and poor coping skills. Anyone else care to add?

          I've tried to talk to H about his mother's lack of nurturing skills, and how this affected him. He defends her and shuts down, so I quit trying. So many of the spouses here don't want to examine the reasons they do the things they do, and why their lives are always in some sort of chaos. It's also the reason why so many of US are here on this forum......because....our spouses don't want to examine their ADHD issues. Just asking, curious.

  • Why Do i Keep Making Decisions Without Thinking about Consequences? by: tbleything 5 years 10 months ago

    I'm new to the community, but my marriage is in a really bad space because of a recurring pattern of making decisions and keeping them from my wife.  Two weeks ago, I started a new job and there was so much information coming at me, and I was excited to learn as much as I could so I quickly signed up for a $300 class without telling my wife.  She asked about it a few days later and I was defensive and shut down and turned away.  About a week ago, my Psychiatrist, NP agreed that I might need a small afternoon dose to get me through the afternoons because I was not having much success focusing.  I didn't tell my wife because I knew it would make her nervous and she would disagree with the decision.  This has been a pattern that's gone on for most of our 16-year marriage.  I get afraid to talk with her about things she will disagree with and so I decide it's worth the risk of not telling her.  Never works, I always regret it.  My question to anyone who is willing to respond,  is this pattern connected to my ADHD diagnosis and if so, what are some things I can do to start to prevent this from happening?  

    I look forward to any encouragement and advice,

     

    Tony

  • Effects of Poor Memory by: crl@5 5 years 10 months ago

    I would love some guidance on this topic.  I totally get that my husband has poor working memory and short term memory.  Here is my dilemma...How do you do LIFE with someone who has poor memory when the consequences of that poor memory can effect you in some big ways.  I try not to involve my husband in things that need to be done that if he forgets would impact me too much.  Not only is that very challenging when you are supposed to share life with someone but it also puts a lot more stress and responsibility on me.  That aside, sometimes he does things completely out of my control and it still effects me.  For example, he "helped" by putting some clothes in the laundry that I had set aside to do but hadn't gotten to yet.  Because he didn't think to check what was in it, he put 3 pairs of my jeans in the dryer on high heat and shrunk them.  Might not seem like a big deal but I don't shop for myself much and I had just bought one or two of them and they were expensive as far as jeans go.  Another example, our dog has diabetes and we have to give him insulin twice a day.  I had left early this particular morning and my husband gave the dog the insulin.  BUT he left it out on the counter and I didn't find it until I got home a few hours later...when it is out at room temperature too long it denatures and is no longer any good.  So in addition to what I still had to do that day, I also had to find time to go to the vet before dinner to get more insulin.  It was not even a consideration to ask my husband to do that because there was still a very good chance he would forget and I would be scrambling sometime later to do it.  These are just some SMALL examples of how the memory issues effect me/us.  I just can't see how you can do life with someone who can't remember things or doesn't think of things that impact the other person, sometimes in a very big way.    I feel very hopeless and would love to hear some stories on how some of you handle this...some strategies, programs...anything that can give me a little hope that this is doable.

    Thank you,

    C

  • I feel sad about this by: PoisonIvy 5 years 10 months ago

    My younger daughter is arriving this evening from out of state.  Here is something that makes me feel very happy and grateful:  My sister is hosting her overnight so that I don't have to make the three-hour round trip to and from the airport in the dark.  Here is what makes me sad about the situation:  My ex-husband not only spends less time with our daughters than I do but also spends less time with them than do my sister (their aunt), my brothers (their uncles), and my sister's ex-husband.  In what universe is this kind of parent-child relationship okay?  I know, that was a rhetorical question.  It's not okay. 

  • Several barriers to communication: ADHD, CAPD, language by: crl@5 5 years 10 months ago

    Hi,  my husband and I have been married 27 years.  We have been in marriage counseling 5 times in those years with no real improvements.  He was finally diagnosed with ADD a few years ago but also shows signs of language issues and Central Auditory Processing Disorder.  Communication and conversation are very difficult and I have gotten to the point where unless we are talking about something he is interested or involved in, I avoid a lot of conversation with him.  There is a lot of misunderstanding, misinterpreting, forgetting, repeating, arguing and frustration.  I find it is much easier not to talk much.  This has both of us feeling very lonely and unfulfilled.  I honestly can't see that this would ever change because he truly does not seem to be able to notice when it is happening and is so convinced it is not him.  I really thought I was crazy until I started seeing him have the same types of arguments with our kids as they got older and then I realized it wasn't me. 

    crl@5

  • Keeping a positive attitude by: Libby 5 years 10 months ago

    I feel that I have become a very negative person as the result of living with my ADD husband. Does anyone else struggle with this? I do not want to be this way and not sure how to turn things around as far ad my mental state. 

  • A little consideration by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 10 months ago

    A couple weeks ago, our couples therapist asked what would make me feel more loved.  I said consideration, with the example that I should not have had to do all of the leaf raking with my bad shoulders.  My wife responded that she would but I needed to remind her. I pointed out that she had offered to help, then said she would help after the she did something in the kitchen, then said that she thought (finally) taking down the Halloween decorations was all the help I needed, and did not rake any leaves.  I reminded her several times.

    Our bed was covered with my wife's clothes that needed to be put away last night.  I had been feeling very tired since Saturday night and had made her aware that I needed to get to bed early.  Our son did his usual sneaking of electronics, setting off a fight between them.  I reminded my wife that I was not feeling well and needed to get to sleep.  She continued fighting with him even when the argument wasn't going anywhere.  "OK, you're sorry.  What does 'sorry' mean?"  I reminded her several times I needed to get to sleep because I did not feel well.  Besides the clothes covering the bed, the noise made it impossible for me to sleep.  The fight lasted a long time and she finally cleared her stuff off the bed.  (She claims she "wrapped it up" right after I said I needed to get to sleep.)  I went to bed.  And then she read very loudly to our daughter--so loud that at first I thought she was fighting with our son again.  

    This morning, she said she was sorry and promised it would not happen again.  Given her fight with our son last night, I could have asked her what "sorry" and "promise" mean.

    Here's one of the great kickers about when she is inconsiderate about my need for sleep.  I get up at 5:30 on workdays.  She almost always asks me to let her sleep until 6.  Then she runs late and gets angry.  I have told her that I would feel less resentful of her sleeping longer if she let me get to bed on time.

     

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