Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Several barriers to communication: ADHD, CAPD, language by: crl@5 5 years 10 months ago

    Hi,  my husband and I have been married 27 years.  We have been in marriage counseling 5 times in those years with no real improvements.  He was finally diagnosed with ADD a few years ago but also shows signs of language issues and Central Auditory Processing Disorder.  Communication and conversation are very difficult and I have gotten to the point where unless we are talking about something he is interested or involved in, I avoid a lot of conversation with him.  There is a lot of misunderstanding, misinterpreting, forgetting, repeating, arguing and frustration.  I find it is much easier not to talk much.  This has both of us feeling very lonely and unfulfilled.  I honestly can't see that this would ever change because he truly does not seem to be able to notice when it is happening and is so convinced it is not him.  I really thought I was crazy until I started seeing him have the same types of arguments with our kids as they got older and then I realized it wasn't me. 

    crl@5

  • Keeping a positive attitude by: Libby 5 years 10 months ago

    I feel that I have become a very negative person as the result of living with my ADD husband. Does anyone else struggle with this? I do not want to be this way and not sure how to turn things around as far ad my mental state. 

  • A little consideration by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 10 months ago

    A couple weeks ago, our couples therapist asked what would make me feel more loved.  I said consideration, with the example that I should not have had to do all of the leaf raking with my bad shoulders.  My wife responded that she would but I needed to remind her. I pointed out that she had offered to help, then said she would help after the she did something in the kitchen, then said that she thought (finally) taking down the Halloween decorations was all the help I needed, and did not rake any leaves.  I reminded her several times.

    Our bed was covered with my wife's clothes that needed to be put away last night.  I had been feeling very tired since Saturday night and had made her aware that I needed to get to bed early.  Our son did his usual sneaking of electronics, setting off a fight between them.  I reminded my wife that I was not feeling well and needed to get to sleep.  She continued fighting with him even when the argument wasn't going anywhere.  "OK, you're sorry.  What does 'sorry' mean?"  I reminded her several times I needed to get to sleep because I did not feel well.  Besides the clothes covering the bed, the noise made it impossible for me to sleep.  The fight lasted a long time and she finally cleared her stuff off the bed.  (She claims she "wrapped it up" right after I said I needed to get to sleep.)  I went to bed.  And then she read very loudly to our daughter--so loud that at first I thought she was fighting with our son again.  

    This morning, she said she was sorry and promised it would not happen again.  Given her fight with our son last night, I could have asked her what "sorry" and "promise" mean.

    Here's one of the great kickers about when she is inconsiderate about my need for sleep.  I get up at 5:30 on workdays.  She almost always asks me to let her sleep until 6.  Then she runs late and gets angry.  I have told her that I would feel less resentful of her sleeping longer if she let me get to bed on time.

     

  • ADHD Therapist Best Practices by: felixfrancine 5 years 10 months ago

    My ADHD husband and I have begun to see therapist who specializes in ADHD adults.  Prior to our first session, she had us each fill out one of the evaluation forms/tools that "test" for ADHD, my husbanding answering for himself and I answering from the perspective of a spouse.  My answers indicated my husband has ADHD; my husband's answers revealed no definite sign of ADHD.  The therapist told us during our first session that she could not make a definite diagnosis because the results did not jive.  She suggested that if we wanted to work on our relationship, she would be happy to do so with us.  We have now seen her four times.   She has not mentioned ADHD once.  I have shared a few examples of how I believe ADHD has harmed our marriage during the sessions,  My husband is in denial about the impact that ADHD has had our relationship.  I am wondering if the therapist avoids broaching the topic of ADHD because she observes this denial and does not feel it would do any good at this point.  What concerns me is that everything I have read about treating ADHD calls for a combination of medication and therapy and/or couples counseling.  I'm skeptical about us making any meaningful progress if the ADHD is not identified and treated.  I would appreciate hearing from those who have done couples therapy with an ADHD specialist.  Have you had a similar experience?     

  • What can you do without your spouse that he or she used to do with or for you? by: PoisonIvy 5 years 10 months ago

    Buy (easy) and set up (very hard!) the Christmas tree.  How about you?

  • Those who divorced your adhd spouse by: Brindle 5 years 11 months ago

    Did you have emotional resolution or closure before you divorced or after?  Did you only grieve for the relationship and the loss of hope?  Or did you grieve the loss who the specific person you lost?  What else were your losses?

    We are not divorcing in the foreseeable future but the topic has come up over the course of our marriage, and it has been more seriously considered at various times. 

    I’ve done a lot of heavy grieving over the years.  He doesn’t just have adhd going on - he has also become an unkind and bitter person.  So if he isn’t ignoring the kids and I and living for his hobbies, then he’s stressful and has mean comments to make. 

    Whenever divorce has seriously been on the table, I used to feel a loss of him - but not anymore. The him I’ve lived with the past however many years is so hard to live with and so neglectful of the family that I think I’ve already grieved the loss of him over the years.  

    Right now, divorce is being brought up again (by him), and the only tears I have are for the concept of losing the marriage itself and the loss of a certain kind of future.  Edited to add: I do care about him and for him.  It’s just that the relationship with the him that I love... that guy is either gone or very deeply hidden.  And the ongoing pain and neglect has killed so many things.

    I’m not even sure he can ever follow through on his talk of divorce. He never has before. Thinking back... the last long term and significant goal that took real commitment and hard work to reach that  I can remember him achieving was, oh, 15+ years ago.  

    I don’t think he is capable of long term love, the daily effort and the sharing of himself. I think he’s a broken and fragile man on the inside who just has nothing to give to real relationship.  Falling in love- that was easy for him. It’s fun, feels good, and you don’t have to work to invest yourself. But the long term stuff where he has to support the people in his life and be there... he not only doesn’t have the skills, but he also doesn’t want to do the hard work of it. I think that’s why he has no friends, is losing/has lost  the hearts of his family, and has poor relationships with his extended family.  He can’t give.  It is a combo of very out of control adhd symptoms (including the big emotional ones) and hiding from growth.

    So if we do divorce, eventually, I’m not sure how much closure I would need. Seems like it has built into my experience already. 

  • Birthday, Thanksgiving and now college weekend by: dvance 5 years 11 months ago

    So it's been a LOT of togetherness the past few weeks and I am about at the end of my tether.  DHs 50th birthday was November 17th and all four of us went downtown (Chicago) overnight-we had a super fancy dinner out then stayed at a fancy hotel overnight then had brunch the next morning and came home.  It was fine but taxing.  It made me sad that we have no couple friends that I would even have invited to join us and that DH has no friends period that would have made for a party or something.  He has two ways of being-sarcastic or sullen.  That's pretty much it.  I know many of us have posted here about similar things-odd ways of being.  Immature, inappropriate, acting too young or silly--all of those things.  So those two days were exhausting even as I wanted the four of us to be together.  I have brought up separating in the spring many times and both of our boys are probably headed to college in the fall, so lots of changes next year, but I figured 50 deserved some notice, so that's what we did.  Then Thanksgiving.  Again, just the four of us.  Neither of us has any extended family. DH does all the cooking and the amount of praise he needs for that is not to be believed.  Exhausting.  Yesterday and today we took the youngest to visit a college he was accepted to and again--sarcasm, weird inappropriate comments, asking questions about things that were literally just covered and then getting mad when things are repeated.  So strange.  He is f***ing 50 years old.  Grow up.  Act your age.  You are not your 17 year old son's peer.  We are on the walking tour of the campus, the three of us with one other mom and son, plus two students that lead the tour and they walk three steps ahead of me like I am not even there.  There was a presentation prior to the tour and the two of them sat there joking around and making fun of everything until I finally said something and they both got mad.  Seriously-I teach junior high and my students don't even act like that.  Bad enough my 17 year old son does, but what do you expect when that's how his father is acting.  Everything's a joke.  Nothing is serious.  Call me crazy, but if I have to figure out how to pay $20,000 a year for college, I'm gonna take that kinda seriously.  DH didn't go to college--went into the military right out of high school and has no use for education in general-we have battled this our entire married life.  He has the GI bill which is free tuition at any in state school.  No interest.  His work sends him to seminars-he comes home and says how useless they are, he could have taught the thing better than the expert, he never reads the book, he knows better, blah blah blah.  And both our kids are terribly underachieving--wonder why.  That is my single biggest regret.  They are both so smart and in large part because of their father's disdain for education they have not lived up to their potential.  Of course I am oversimplifying and there is not a straight line between those two things, but I would wager DHs attitude accounts for some of it.  

    But I digress.  Just a lot of togetherness that reminds me why I need to get the hell out of this or I will die.  These behaviors are just so bad.  I really don't know how he functions at work AND I know why he gets fired every three years.  Just so many weird behaviors.  

    thanks for letting me vent...

     

  • Non-ADHD Share of Blame by: Spinach 5 years 11 months ago

    My ADHD husband and I have been in counseling together for several months now, and are working to get our marriage into a better place. We have already seen real progress, though we do have a long way to go. (At what point does it start to get easier.. six months? a year?)

    We are both dealing with a lot of hurt and anger, and I am trying to take responsibility for my part in our issues, but I am starting to feel like I'm being unfairly villainized in his memory of our life together all these years.

    To hear him tell it, I had everything my way for over a decade, not caring for what he wanted at all. It's true that I be oblivious and pushy, but some of my getting my way was because A.) I was the person taking care of things and making plans because he didn't, and B.) he didn't communicate to me that something was important to him or he was truly upset about it. He says it was easier for him to just let me have my way instead of arguing about it. I see that point, and he's not wrong... however instead of taking the time and making the effort to really communicate this to me, he just disengaged from our marriage. We were disconnected for years, though we still did things together and played the part of a happy family, we were broken and I didn't even realize it until it was almost too late.

    My husband has a million relatively small things that have built up into powerful resentment over the years, and now every little thing is symbolic, a type of power play. I feel like I have to watch every tiny little thing, and let him have his way. It's good for me to learn to choose my battles, and walk away from most small things, but it's at the point now that I'm wondering if in his mind I have to let him get his way every single time now to make up for all those years he felt his preferences were ignored.

    Our counseling sessions have been mostly focused on some significant bad behaviors on his end, betrayals that I am working to forgive and move past so we can keep our family together. I understand that things don't happen in a vacuum, and I don't want him to think that I don't take responsibility for my part, but I think he is still in a bit of denial about how much of this is on him... his unmanaged ADHD symptoms (hyper focus on work, not dependable, no time management, irritability), his lack of communication, his lying, his detachment from his wife. He just didn't even try, and the only reason we are working on this now is because I pushed it and forced the issue after a potentially relationship-ending betrayal.

    I have not been perfect, but I have kept it together and been the steady one for a long time. I am deserving of a husband that makes me feel loved and cared for more than he makes me feel like an annoyance or inconvenience. He says he loves me, he says he will do better, and he has started to show me with actions as well as words, but I am still uneasy that he seems to think the blame of our issues is shared 50/50 when the objective reality is a very uneven split. I don't believe I was the monster he's making me out to be, and it hurts that he remembers things that way.

     

  • I went back to the marriage counselor..... by: c ur self 5 years 11 months ago

    My wife and I went through 8.5 months of marriage counseling 5 years ago...With a very good counselor....I was an angry man, hurt and bitter then...On more than one occasion, I would get up to angrily walk out, but, never did...My W would never own her behavior, and always blamed, denied, or justified it....She just wanted a referee, not help....

    So fast forward though much prayer, (deliverance from the anger and bitterness) study, and coming to grips with having to set boundaries, and realizing only acceptance of my wife's reality would ever stop me from wanting to fix or change her. And also coming to peace with (it's ok to leave and live permanently separated) if we can't stop the conflict, and, if she wasn't going to start doing the work of the relationship willingly, w/ out the victim attitude....

    We talked an hour...I told him about the boundaries, the walking away from (not engaging) due to the inability for ownership, or healthy communication....We discussed her add, he asked if she was taking her meds, etc...He said he could tell that I was in a good place...He also pointed out to me, that it may never change...I said I know:)

    He ask me why I waited so long to check back with him...I told him because I was so ashamed of who I had become when I was there last....I told him that I knew, that I had a lot of work to do on myself. He gave me a sheet of anger triggers....

    Hurtful words

    last minute changes

    feeling neglected

    feeling disrespected

    stress in the work place

    unrealistic expectations

    a stubborn person

    unmet desires

    when my children disobey

    yelling/nagging

    feeling my rights have been violated

    having no plan of action

    not talking through issues

    After considering this list a day...I text the counselor and thanked him for his time...I told him in looking at this list (I could check off about 7 or 8 of these) I could see 10 years of past hurts, and the dysfunction that revolved around our relationship....But, on the bright side...I could also see much deliverance and growth since our meetings w/ him 5 years ago....I know my W has meet w/ him a couple of times over the past few months...I didn't mention it, nor did he....

    c

  • Sure, I'll help... by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 11 months ago

    The leaves had really piled up by last weekend.  Our son had done a poor job of raking them earlier in the fall and now said he refused to do yardwork because I always tell him it is not good enough.  You know, I am picky about things like raking the leaves that are against the fence,bagging the leaves once you rake them into piles, and not raking them into the bushes in the hopes that no  one will notice.  On Saturday morning we went to a movie.  On the way, my wife offered to help me rake.  After the movie, she said our son should help me rake.  I reminded her that she offered to rake.  She then said she would help me rake after the water boiled for making pasta.  She came out and said that she would (finally) take down the last of the Halloween decorations while she was waiting for the water to boil.  I kept raking until sundown and filled 16 bags of leaves and a plastic bin full of fallen branches.  She never came out again.  She then made arguments about how our son should have helped.  OK, but the leaves needed to be raked and arguing with him all afternoon would have meant that no leaves got raked.  I reminded her that she OFFERED to help and said she would help after the water boiled.  Oh, she thought that taking down the Halloween decorations was all she was supposed to do.  No, I reminded her, she was supposed to rake.  

    Keep in mind that I have had surgery on both of my shoulders and that I also currently have the remnants of bursitis in one knee.

    She then said that she and the kids would rake the back yard on Sunday morning.  They did about 1 hour before my wife, our daughter, and I left for a play we had tickets for.  Our son was supposed to fill at least one more bag of leaves--which he did not do.  He didn't even bag the pile of leaves that had already been raked.

     

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