Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Enabling denial. by: zcuaina 5 years 12 months ago

    HI there, I have been following this post for quite a long time to understand and support what I see and think my wife struggle with ADD is.

    We all know how incredible is to be with someone that shares my same dysfunctional brain, by some description, gilt if managed by me. I'm 41 years old, and I was diagnosed with ADD back in my early years, around 3 or 4 years of age, and dealt with the pain of living in an education system that did not know how to manage my distractions. For that reason, and without proper treatment and medication, I began a journey to find out what kind of behavior is more appropriate as well as finding out my strengths and weaknesses. While I still have all the signs of someone suffering adult ADHD, I feel I have mastered my coping and ritual skills to minimize the impact that the gift has one me. 

    Fast forward to the present day; I'm married to an incredible woman that gave me the best thing in my life, a reason to keep fighting every day by supporting and understanding her so we can both raise our incredible daughter together as a reliable and lovable family. Before the birth of my daughter, we lived most of the time at my place, where I keep it very clean and organized. After her birth, she wanted to go back to her old home, since its larger and asked me to support her, which I did. As soon as she moved and I began to interact with the real person, I entered a world of chaos. I entered a world of impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, disorganization, lack of empathy, really good at remembering peoples names but never remember any of the promises she told me, always looking for someone else to do versus focusing on the important stuff, most of the time fatigated.... and the list goes on, so I wonder what happened to that woman that I loved and I still love so much. With that information in my arsenal, I began to look for the causes of this new behavior pattern, and I explored many possibilities. Postpartum depression, she does suffer for depression and countless other options.

    Ironically the one that fits my relationship with her was ADHD, the same gift I have been suffering my entire life but have learned to cope with it and forgot about it. 

    At the verge of a divorce, and spending a ton in couples counseling, I decided to bring the topic to her attention and talk about getting her tested. Originally the idea was not well received by her but agreed to go to an expert to get her checked. 

    The expert met us and gave us the test, she has to fill the questionnaire and I have to do the same about her. The results were in, and we were there for a shock, quoting the expert he said; "in my years in practice I have never encounter results like this". Her perception of herself answering the questionnaire was so opposite than the one I filled that he didn't know how to process that information. At the time, I felt betrayed and hurt, that my wife, seeing how close we are to lose everything and have to break a family will choose to answer the test with misleading information just to keep her self-image intact and not being label. 

    Furthermore, a day after receiving the results we had again to visit our counselor, whom got mad at me for diagnosing my wife and he told me I should stop trying to help her, you are not a doctor, and you cannot diagnose her. He said. My only argument is that I live this life every day, that the person they are meeting is a version of the person I live with and I'm in an excellent position to analyze and contrast her behavior and struggles with my knowledge of the gilt. 

    At this point, I need to make some decisions, since the situation is not going to change and most likely it's going to get worse. Should I keep fighting for the relationship? Fight her denial by looking for second opinions? What should I do about counseling, where they are focusing on the relationship not on the gift as part of it? Should I leave and hope that time will fix things and my daughter will have a functional mother? If we both have it, means my daughter most likely will be suffering it, how can I handle the situation when my wife will be on denial about the situation and keep looking for people in her life that enable her behavior instead of re-enforcing coping strategies? I'm living a lonely marriage, with no intimacy, no love, no time for me, no interest for me, nothing, but at the same time she is suffering when I bring this issues since she doesn't see them and it frustrates me. 

    If anyone has ideas please I will love to read them. I'm running out of options but not love for that woman!

    Thanks in advance. 

  • Lasting Change..... by: c ur self 5 years 12 months ago

    I've worked very hard over the last 5 years to try and understand what is going on in my wife's mind, how to deal with it, and way's to stop the conflict between us....I did most everything wrong the first 5 years of our marriage...I was lost, offended, and had no clue about this dead end, and hopeless mindset...(denial)...Fast forward to the last 5 years, and the place we've come today, is light years better than those early years.....Why?....Has she changed? Not much;)....But I have, simply put, it took me a long while to accept that she had no desire to do different....And even if she did, she was helpless in most instances to make lasting changes...

    I've known this for quiet some time, but, I haven't shared it here, not in the matter of fact way I received it in my dreams last night...The best I have to offer myself for a peaceful existence, as it relates to my efforts living along side my wife and her behaviors, and the effects and denial of them, is acceptance. Once I proved to myself that I was helpless to DO or SAY anything to impact my W for change...All that was left, was acceptance, and self change....But even that (acceptance) is a band-aid...

    So this is what I am trying to share....We spend years and years talking at the same time, and enduring all manner of dysfunctional activity (and taking part in it, I might add). But never seem to be able to have any lasting change...So we blame it on add/adhd...So how do we eliminate the chaos? Is it possible? Probably not all of it, because add/adhd is a real thing...But what can change is the denial of the effects of add/adhd on themselves, their spouse's and children. Attitude's can change for both parties, The whole focus of mind can change for both parties....Why do so many of us never get there?...It's not lack of self effort and worry I can tell you that for sure....

    So speaking for our situation we have spent years, (over 10 now), passing out lollipops, and putting band-aids on these problems. And what do we get? We get momentary pacification at best....We get temporary relief for a while...But it never lasts for very long....So what is the answer? What can give my wife and I real lasting change? The spirit of carnal selfishness must die out, and be replaced with the spirit of love and life....When the working of a mind is such that it doesn't have the capacity to control itself, or even have a full awareness of itself...The spirit of that person better have something bigger going on with in it than themselves....If the spirit of pridefulness doesn't get replaced by a spirit of humility...Then our eye's never open... 

    The reason I have turned to hopelessness at times, when the relationship goes south, when we are both angry (pridefully defending our turf) and talking at the same time, is because the spirit that is driving us in those moments is helpless to produce anything but destruction....Yes, for my wife and I to experience the good life, it will always come out of the death of our stinking thinking because that spirit has no power for change....Just lollipops and band-aids...and we only apply those after the destruction is done....

    c

     

  • Finally seeing an expert by: bowlofpetunias 5 years 12 months ago

    A couple of months ago, I gave my wife a list of possible psychiatrists who have experience with adult ADHD.  She "left a couple of messages" for one of them, but did not follow up--too busy!

    Earlier this week, I went on psychology today.  I reached out to woman she tried to contact and heard back shortly.  Unfortunately, she is not taking new patients.

    I then reached out to some others listed on psychology today and found a woman who is a psychologist and a nurse can prescribe medications.  Her office assures me that she has experience with adult ADHD.  My wife actually made an appointment!  I can't take off work to be there, but I am going to try to call in.  I have also made a list of behaviors that I believe stem from ADHD so that my wife can't say, "Oh, I forgot to talk about those things."

  • ADHD COUPLES COUNSELLING by: LucyC 5 years 12 months ago

    Hi everyone! I’m new to this forum and looking for advice. Is there such a thing as relationship counselling with an adult ADHD expert? I’ve been looking for ages and either the websites are out of date or there are huge long lists of therapists that seem to focus on general couples stuff and in our case that has been tried numerous times and failed. We need couples counselling from someone that appreciates / understands some of the ADHD symptoms, impacts and strategies for addressing them. We’re in south London UK.  Thanks if you can steer me in the right direction x

  • Is this adhd thing - lack of responses by: Brindle 5 years 12 months ago

    If I say thank you, he says nothing. “Thank you for bringing the vacuum upstairs.”  Silence. “Thank you for how hard you work to provide for us.”  Silence. 

    If we are on the phone, he just barely manages to mumble a goodbye. Each and every time. If I didn’t know what the word was supposed to sound like, I wouldn’t recognize it as a goodbye.

    Texting. I can make a request - no answer. I won’t know if he is going to do it or not. If I say something sweet to him, no response. If I printed out our texts, you’d see me doing a lot of reaching out.  He isn’t bothered.  But if I turn it around and do the same... he notices and asks why I’m not answering.  So he is aware of what is expected.

    If I email him, I’m lucky to get a response, even if it is super serious. The response is always suuuuuper short.

    It is all very unsatisfying and feels like “why do I talk to this man?”  

  • Say Something I'm Giving up on You. by: jennalemone 6 years 3 days ago

    There is some grief in your life when you accept the reality that something has died or that something was not what you thought is was or could be. Today I am just feeling that grief that I cannot change the things I cannot change. So I guess I must do the lonely work of changing what I can.  But today is just a rest and accept and grieve day. 

     

  • Handling Conflict.... by: c ur self 6 years 5 days ago

    I've been my own worst enemy over the years, when conflict arises...In the name of seeking peace and resolution, I find my self taking a lot of abuse, because I feel as a husband I should be the aggressor in the restoration process...And that's fine and good at times (where we both took up the sword)...But it's wrong when I had no part in (took no part) her own internal anger, failed manipulation attempts, or when she disrespects boundaries and attempts to justifies it, with blame and silence.... 

    We just spent 4 days at the LBL...(Land between the Lakes), and it was probably the best four day's we have spent together in quiet some time....We prayed together, we hiked several trails, we rode horses, we saw a fun 60's musical play...there was intimacy and love shared between us...Something we really needed as a couple....But it all ended about half way home....(Just to clarify, most of the 4 day's I allowed her to choose the activities just because it matter's more to her than to me....What matter's to me is love and peace between us)....

    Because of our difference's we have...."Boundaries....(Acceptance and mutual respect for those differences)"....She thinks nothing about heading into rush hour traffic driving 50 or 60 miles in order to shop at some specialty store that isn't available in our town...I think it's ridiculous and wasteful when we have no less than 10 grocery stores with in 5 miles of home....But, it's her choice, her car, gas and  money....So I just say...I love you, and drive safely,...And that's it....

    She know's the only reason I would ever go to that larger city (barring an emergency) is when I absolutely couldn't find an item here, or maybe once a year to eat out...But those times would always be at low traffic times mid-morning or night....So she decided she was going to force me to abandon my boundary, and do something I hated, in order to appease her want....So when I told her, she knows I would never do that, but, that when we get home, she can do what ever she thinks in wise....So she got angry, and told me that I was going to PAY!...LOL....I told her, that is so sad...We just had four of the most beautiful day's of our marriage, and she couldn't even make it home before she turned disrespectful and evil....So it was quiet....And it's been quiet....

    The mistake I've made so many times is trying to break the silence, and instigate a healthy environment of love and interaction....Which does a couple of things...One, it lets her off the hook, she needs to apologize for her actions (she needs to recognize she needs to apologize!) ....Secondly, a childish mind like she lives in ( frivolity seeking, selfish and unconcerned about others feelings, especially (me) the spouse) struggles to realize she is wrong, and I'm just being the bigger person trying to restore the peace between us.....(So blame and justification becomes her reality in these instances)

    So what am I going to do about it ??  I'm going to just live happily, and thankful....(Keeping my 10 and 6 year old grandchildren tonight, fun fun :)...(be thankful for the 4 great days of closeness we had)...And live just like she doesn't exist...Because If I harbor emotions about her actions, I am being held hostage by her behaviors....I couldn't stop it, nor can I change it....

    I will let her come to me, and If she takes ownership, then hopefully I will hug and kiss her and we will move on....If she doesn't take ownership, I want be drug into talking about it with her, if she is just looking to blame or justify it....I will just quietly move on....I can live with it, if she can....All it does is decrease the chance I will look to put myself out there for her....And it for sure makes us have to discuss boundaries in every little aspect of a trip...From the time we leave until the time we arrive home.....It's tiring, and doesn't seem worth it at times...LOL....

    Thanks you for allowing me to see this self encouragement in writing....

    c

  • Minor Emancipation by: bowlofpetunias 6 years 1 week ago

    Our about-to-turn-16 son has decided he wants to be emancipated.  He has started looking at apartments and is convinced that he can earn enough money to support himself (including rent) while working part time and going to school.  He even told me he thought he could make $50,000 a year.  Oh, and the insurance won't be an issue--he doesn't plan to get sick.  (Never mind the cost of his current ADHD and anxiety medication!)

    This comes in the context of him blaming his failure to clean up after himself and do his chores around the house on us for not raising him right.  He wants "real world experience, like balancing a checkbook and writing code." I pointed out that cleaning up after himself at home is real world experience.  I also reminded him that I had offered to teach him how to program, but he had not been interested.  (He said he "loved" me but did not think I had the "skills" necessary to teach him.  For reference, I have shown him programs I have written to demonstrate trigonometry, format colorful signs using photos of Salvadoran wooden letters, encrypt text files based on a user-supplied password or using a photo as an encryption key, and add turtle graphic functions to RFO Basic for Android.  I also explained the importance of learning things that apply to all programming languages, like data structures and functions/subroutines.)

    The main reason he gives for wanting to be emancipated is that he does not want to live with his sister.  I suspect the frequent fights with my wife/his mother are also an important factor.  (And add to that a desire to avoid doing any chores!)

    My wife had gotten into one of her "everything is so much better" phases and believed that he was doing much better with school work--until an English teacher wrote us about missing assignments.  Crash.

    Also keep in mind that he has slept in several times so far this school year, earning himself detention for being late and even missing one complete day of school because he did not wake up until it was almost time for school to let out.  Yet he somehow thinks he can manage on his own.

    I also explained to him that emancipation is usually used by estranged parents who do not want to continue paying child support.

    Oh, and I told him about all the times my sister swore up and down that she was leaving our parents' house the second she turned 18.  She was still living there in her 30s!

    Last week, we finally met with a specialist to address our daughter's bathroom issues and her OCD symptoms.  Unfortunately, the therapist does not think she will be able to do anything because it sounds like our daughter will not cooperate.  Exposure and Response Prevention therapy, the gold standard for OCD, requires a great deal of willingness and effort.  She is going to try meeting with her one time to see if there is anything she can do.

     

  • Husband Lost Job by: abbyrd16 6 years 1 week ago

    Husband had 3 jobs in 6 months. He was let go of his most recent job last Thursday. We have four young children. Moved out of state for this job. (Fifth move in nine years).  His 6th job in 9 years. Accountability is not a strong suit for those with ADD. Need words of hope please.

     

     

  • Therapy - how did it help you? by: 1Melody1 6 years 1 week ago

    I am having a hard time lately. I am staying in my marriage for now to avoid sharing custody with my adhd spouse because of how detrimental/dangerous that would be for our daughter. But I have a long road ahead if I stay until she is 18 (she's almost 11 now) and it is wearing on me.

    I don't want couples therapy (well, I did in the past, but my husband repeatedly refused). Rather I am wondering if anyone could pipe in on their experiences with individual therapy.

    For me it will be an expenditure that I can barely afford, but I'm wondering if my mental health is worth it. I feel sad and angry a lot and fantasize about my life after this dark period is finally over. I am having a hard time dealing with staying for so many more years, with maintaining civility with my husband and with doing so much of the earning/parenting/household work on my own.

    I live in Canada and there are some limited free counseling options. However, in my past experience with seeking cheaper free counseling for my daughter (for anxiety), I found you get what you pay for. 

    Anyway, can anyone comment on if individual therapy has been worthwhile and how so? Why type? If it was not worth it for you, or if something else worked for you (a book, meditation, exercise), I would also like to hear that.

    Thank you all as usual. :)

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